To think that DH should cancel this (to him) very important event?

[caycepollard]

I think I might be and am totally prepared to be told so. DH is currently training for a marathon, which I am being supportive of. There is s half marathon in the lead up that he is registered to do and regards as important.

We have just realised (because we are fools) is on the same weekend as DM's 70th birthday; 300 miles away. The race is the day after DM's do, meal in the early evening with all GC etc.

DH is suggesting leaving that evening so he can get back for the race the following morning. I will travel back a few days later with the DC. DH will have to drive as public transport won't work with times.

I think he's mad and should cancel the race. It is essentially a training run that can be done another time/with the group he is training with (not all of whom are doing the half) or do a different half a couple of weeks later (still spaces available, but he likes less due to hills).

I am being a cow aren't I? I just feel like it will be an issue for DM/DF of feeling like he isn't taking the birthday event seriously and will result in awkwardness. So as not to drop feed DM has been unwell this year and has just had the all clear do this is an important celebration.

Ah, I see, OP. I apologise.

I think YANBU. Probably.

Is it his first marathon? He is probably quite anxious about it and needs the reassurance of doing the half with his training mates under proper race conditions. He will have put a lot of time, sweat and tears into his training and will want to do the best he can.

But...you say there is another half he can do the following week? I think, if he can still register (there is often a deadline for entries) YWNBU to ask him to switch to the later one.

If he can't switch to the other half HINBU to do as he is planning. Won't your mum appreciate the effort he has made to attend the meal?

Oh look failed to step away; he has done two half before; both last year, as well as mini triathlons; he knows how this works. I did not just thank people who agreed with me;I thanked two posters who seemed to get where I am at emotionally. I am thankful to you all as it has helped me see the full picture from different povs.

Now I really am buggering off!

I think YANBU. I imagine that you have had to sacrifice lots of things to allow your DP to train for a marathon. Assuming he works full time and doesn't run his commute/run at lunchtimes, then Ill bet it impacts on every weekend and a few weeknights every week.

Have you ever totalled up the hours he spends on this while you are committed to watching the kids? Do you get a similar amount of time to yourself where he is the sole parent in charge?

Relationships and parenting involves a lot of compromise, but one of the best things about running is that you don't need to be in a specific location, you can run anywhere. He could easily run a half marathon by your parents house, and if he can't see that is the right compromise to make, maybe he should be made more aware of how much you compromise your life for him.

You all sound like op's dh is going to make or break the event all on his own... It's a big party, by the sound of it; not an intimate little meal for four!

It is a meal for 6 adults and four children flogging so yes small!

There would only be six adults, including him, at the do. Plus the grandchildren. So it is an intimate do.

Sorry OP, cross posted as i really do get where you're coming from.

Thank you Hiawatha.

Ive done a HM before too and I would do another one as part of training for a full marathon. Although I did spend the last 3 miles wondering why anyone wants to run a full 26.2 miles . Doing this HM this time is to see how he is now, not last year. He may be faster, he may be slower, he most likely will have different running shoes now.

YANBU to be upset that your DH would rather do this HM than be with you at an important family event and probably dont understand why this HM is important to him, but unfortunately it is important and I can see why.

Anyway you have said you are letting him go, just working out your emotions in regards to how you feel about it.

OP I know where you are coming from. DH did something similar with another activity and it really made me feel that his interest was more important than our family (and me and the dcs).

I also agree that as it happens, that that particular activity has taken a step back. Mainly due to me starting to say 'I want' the same way than he does (so my needs are taken into account as much as his). But also because the people he is doing that activity have moved on. One of them had to stop for about a year as his dw was very ill, another got engaged etc...

What you DO need is a discuission about his 'wants' (his marathon, the training etc...) and your 'wants' (spending time together, maybe time for yourself too, not as much running around to enable him to do his stuff etc...). I would keep a note of how much he is doing and putting next to that what you had to do to allow it to happen (eg you rushing back home, taking him to the train station ...), what hasn't happen (eg meak for your DM birthday, day out with the dcs etc...).
See also what you are doing and what he has to do to enable you to do it (it might be very little)
Then discuss.

Another way I found quite interesting is to look what has to happen for you (eg a day out as a family everty month, one day together a week, one evefning where you can go to do your own stuff etc...), what is no negociable for him (his marathon, the training ...). And what you are prepare to negociate (again see what works for you. It can be not going to that yoga class, or taking the dcs to your parents on your own) and what is negiciable for him (eg training only 5 days a week instead of 6 if need be etc...). Then it will probably be easier to find a compromise.

But you won't be able to stop him to train for that altogether.

Also I don't think that the issue is just this HM. Or about the feelings of the OP about her DH doing that HM even though it means travelling 600km etc...

It's about the fact that this training has taken over his life and she feels she (and the family in a wide sense) has taken a second place in his life. And that doesn't need 'just to work trhough the feelings', it needs to addressing if you don't want ressentment growing.

I think he's offered a fair compromise. I'm fairly new to running and have done a half marathon. Running solo in training is very different to an event- the mental pressure has a totally different effect, which if you're wanting to measure / gauge pace, does matter. Courses count too, not just the hills/ flatness, but also the surface. My joints spent two weeks telling me that they hate 13 miles of road running compared to the grit trails that make up much of my distance route.

If you need to have a longer term discussion about the impacts of training commitments then fair enough. I found that two hour training runs didn't balance with my work/life/family balance at the present time so am focusing on 10k. When those needs change, I can scale the running back up should I wish.

I actually took the running up following DH who was training for the Three Peaks Challenge, except I got more into it than him! He missed my grandfather's birthday because he was doing the challenge. My grandfather passed away a few months earlier so it was the first gathering since his funeral, and an important milestone of the first year. There was no offence caused.

You have been really reasonable, but so you don't end up a martyr to his sport, I suggest you add up all his training time and then tell him he has to allow you an equal amount of time off whilst he looks after the DC. That way it is fair.

I once went all the way to south America for two weeks with a friend, just to make this point

I don't get the "you owe me time off" argument. The OP's issue is that she want's to spend time with her family, which includes DP, not be given the opportunity to escape from them.

Do people really add up how much child free time the other parent has? Really?!

I'm so so glad my H doesn't do that with the amount of running or gym classes I do, he would be away for about 3 months if I had to back date it!!

By all means take time away from the family to do your own thing, but if you chose not to then it's unfair on the other parent to moan that they have outside interests!

Nicky The issue that one person isn't taking the time out to do what they want and then moans about it.

It's the fact that one person is 'hugging' all the free time available in the week to do what they want wo a backward glance at what their partner would like to do.
So DP1 is training for a HM and spends 2 hours a day training 6 days a week. All thanks to DP2.
DP2 wants to spend time as a family but .... oh look, DP1 can't do as there is some training... So there is just no time for DP2 to do what they want. It could be also that DP2 wants to train to do a triathlon but as DP1 would need to look after the dcs and he can't do it because he is training ... then DP2 can't do the training for the triathlon/go to a yoga class/meet friends.

Do you see? One partner in a cuple doing so much classes and training is only sustainable if the other is happy to spend all that time on their own, taking up the slack left by their partner (assuming they have dcs. If you don't then of course, it's much easier. You can both do something you enjoy on your own)

Me too NickyNacky, my DH would end a few months away too if he added up my leisure time and wanted the same refunded to him.

I am just wondering if the OP would be as bothered if her OH had to work on the day of her mothers birthday celebrations and couldn't attend the meal. Is it really about him missing part of the celebration or is she just resentful that he is missing it to do something that he wants and benefits only himself. I do lots of things that only benefit myself, good job my husband understands that those things are very important to me.

Hmm ok. None of that was previous.

Actually I think BU. This event is 'the last straw' event. I see you're at tethers end, but there's been an awful long time then involved to get to here. You it appears forgot the two weekends were combined as well as him, if I read right. So, whilst I get your frustration. I think you BU to be so manipulative now. There were an awful lot of times you could have discussed this before now but haven't. 50/50 responsibility.

Both BU!

TheFriar, if you read my last sentence you will see I pretty much said that!

I would like to think in most relationships DP1 and 2 are capable of talking to each other and sorting out some sort of schedule if needed.

I'm sure there are many relationships where both partners are engaged in hobbies that can be time consuming. My H is a home body, I'm not so he doesn't mind that I take 10 hours out the house a week (rough guess, I haven't added it up).

My issue was several posters telling the op to tally it up and take the equalivalent. One partner shouldn't owe the other partner time.

I think he's being incredibly rude. Even if you take the MIL/birthday issue out of it, he agreed/planned a trip to a place 300m from home with his family. He's now realised that he's double booked himself.

Instead of rearranging the second event he is taking the OP and kids, leaving early and leaving them to get home by public transport as he's taking the car.

So his 'compromise' leaves the OP to do the bulk of the childcare, all the bedtime child wrangling and faff about on the bus/train with the children. What exactly is he compromising on apart from a bit of driving?

Nick actually I think one partner WILL own the other time if that partner wants some time for themselves too but never get it.

You are lucky that your DP is a home bird and don't resent being at home on his own.
But not everyone is happy with that. The OP clearly isn't and doesn't feel there is a give and take situation.
In that case, then yes, highlighting the number if hours spent doing said activity and asking for the same can act as a big wake up call.

I used to have a similar issue due to the fact DH has/had a time consuming issue and was travelling for work. I wanted time at home as a family but somehow DH had this feeling that I was getting what I wanted as i was spending so much time at home with the dcs (but wo him).
A simple 'you are away or out of the house 7 days out of 14' had much more impact than ranting about the fact he was never there.

TheFriar I think you and I are looking at this from opposites view points as I'm the partner that leaves the family home to do my hobbies lol! I think the key is to balance your own interest with family activities. But H and I don't consider the nighttime routine, for example, as family time as such. We always do things with the kids and everyone is happy.

However, if H added up the hours I'm out the house, then I expect that would spark an heated discussion! I don't lose my interests because I'm a wife and mother. But again, balance is key.

I asked my DH what he would do or expect me to do in OPs situation. He said if I had a half marathon to do and he wanted us to attend his DMs birthday meal he would insist that we both left earlyish and that he drove us back so that him and the kids could come and support me in the race. That's another compromise OP and her husband could make: they could all come back lateish after the meal as her DH could sleep whilst she drives, hence he gets rest before the race and DM gets everyone at her meal for a reasonable amount of time.
Don't think OP will like my husbands ideas though....

TheFriar you talk a lot of sense.