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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be peed off with a 3am phone call?!

115 replies

SquidgyMaltLoaf · 11/01/2015 04:51

I probably am but hey ho. DB's wife had a baby at 2am and he rang me at 3am to tell me - texted, then tried my phone, then DH's when I didn't answer (mine was purposely on silent!). I can't get back to sleep and as I have a five month old myself, sleep is now very precious!! We purposely waited til morning to phone people when our baby was born. There's no way I can go back to sleep now and I've only had two hours

I know I'm being a grumpy cow but could he not have waited just a few hours?! I have no idea how I'm going to get through tomorrow with a lively baby. WIBU to thump him when I see him after I've cooed over the baby?!

OP posts:

FishWithABicycle · 11/01/2015 07:24

I mainly think yabu, but in general people should ask in advance what their nearest and dearest want to happen in this situation. I would have been seriously miffed if I hadn't been informed of a new niece or nephew asap - waiting to tell me till morning would be upsetting for me as it it would say "you aren't important enough for this to be a big deal" so your db may have been treating you as he would have liked to have been treated himself. Both of you should have asked in advance.

Mrsstarlord · 11/01/2015 07:28

Now that you have said that you have depression your reaction makes more sense.i think if you had put that in your OP you may have got a more sympathetic response. Things seem much bigger when you're depressed (read about thinking distortion in depression and something called catastrophising- but not today!) Ask your husband to work through the plans of the day with you and work out where you can make things easier. Your brother still isn't in the wrong but your reaction is more understandable now.

PrettyLittleMitty · 11/01/2015 07:28

Yabu. I agree with fish and would be quite upset if my siblings/il's didn't tell me asap. I want to know when I have a new niece or nephew! This is something that has been discussed in our family prior to the arrival so that we know who is happy to be contacted and who doesn't. He was excited and wanted to include you in that excitement.

esiotrot2015 · 11/01/2015 07:30

Cancel where ever you're going this morning and try to rest

Congratulations on the new arrival to your family xx

RedToothBrush · 11/01/2015 07:34

There are few thing that excuse a call at 3am. But this may be one of the very few.

Your problems are actually a separate issue to that and I think its rather unfair to have a moan at your brother for them. I am willing to bet that you haven't told your brother you have depression and PTSD either.

paperlace · 11/01/2015 07:36

Everyone I know texted or waited til a decent hour including ourselves so I get what you mean BUT it's only one night for gawd's sake so why don't you see it as sweet he was so excited? You are going to be tired every day forevermore so I'd really get over yourself and rejoice in a new baby! Please don't mention the call or you being tired to your db or his dp or they will always remember that was your response.

batgirl1984 · 11/01/2015 07:37

Sleep deprivation is horrible. Depression is horrible. Your brother was misguidedly trying to share his excitement with you. Its a case of whinging on here or to your OH - not worth ruining things with your brother and his partner by pointing out his unreasonableness.
I do know what its like when every bit of sleep is sacred though, that and the depression need tackling.

RoganJosh · 11/01/2015 07:42

I would be upset too, but you need to put your phones both on silent, non vibrate if you don't want to be disturbed.

BathshebaDarkstone · 11/01/2015 07:42

DS2 was born at 2.26 am. I think I rang people at 3pm as he was constantly feeding until then and I was exhausted. It wouldn't have occurred to me to ring people in the middle of the night.

GreyjoysAnatomy · 11/01/2015 07:45

Sorry, for all of you saying sibu, he did text first before calling so he had already told her? He did not need to then call repeatedly to make sure she was awake and got the text. It wasn't an emergency ffs!

MrsKoala · 11/01/2015 07:47

i am surprised at how many yabu on here. i would feel exactly the same as you (even without the small baby). I would have texted and let people respond when it was convenient for them. I can't imagine thinking anyone - even close family - would want to be called at that time with news which would still be as good at a more reasonable time.

yanbu.

paperlace · 11/01/2015 07:51

Koala/Grey - most people are agreeing he was unreasonable to call at 3am but that it's something to let go of as it's just a one off. No need to be create ill feelings over a misjudged incident.

Sprinkfest · 11/01/2015 07:58

Unless there is action required by the receiver, there is no good reason in earth to ring someone at 3 am. I don't care how excited he was.

YANBU.

Mrsstarlord · 11/01/2015 07:58

He wanted to talk to his sister about the biggest, most significant event in his life! My view is that this is significantly more important than one nights sleep.
I really can't believe how many people would be upset by losing a few hours sleep because their brother had thought they were important enough to want to share that news with them.
Just shows how families are different, my DSD called me at 2am to tell me, I'd have been gutted if she waited till morning to share the news because she didn't want to wake me. And if a close family member waited to 3pm the next day I'd have thought it very odd.
DHs family on the other hand don't tend to speak to each other, we found out his niece had died almost 24 hours later. Sleep is nothing compared to news like this.

watchingthedetectives · 11/01/2015 08:01

I think you YABU but obviously others don't. I

t's not going to happen again - you can always mention it it if they have number 2 but leave it for now - no point ruining their excitement and you'll just come across as a misery.

RedToothBrush · 11/01/2015 08:02

Just a thought, but the OP's brother may well be excited but he also may be in need of a touch of emotional support too. Why do we automatically assume he is just an over excited fool?

The OP says she suffered PTSD as a result of the birth of her baby. This is something not restricted to women though its not terribly well acknowledged. The OP's brother can hardly talk to his partner about that at this stage. Or even much less severe emotions of being overwhelmed or feeling helpless. His job is, quite rightly, to look after his partner at this stage and to put her before his own feelings.

However perhaps he just needs 5 minutes away from her to speak to someone in his family for reassurance and support even if he doesn't outwardly express such feelings. Just hearing the voice of someone in his family might be sufficient. It sounds trivial and minor, but it actually might be really important to both him and his partner for that reason.

I'd actually expect someone who had suffered from a difficult birth to perhaps have a greater understanding and sympathy for others as a result.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 11/01/2015 08:03

To be honest I think YABU even with a small baby, but then I have a baby and insomnia so never bloody sleep anyway! You'll survive, it's just one night. He was excited and proud and wanted his sister to know he had a baby. I think it's lovely (may also be coloured by the fact that my DB died when he was 27 ).

hiccupgirl · 11/01/2015 08:07

YABU I think but I get that lack of sleep and depression is going to make it hard for you to not be annoyed about being woken up. And there is little worse than being woken early when you know you've got the day ahead with children to get through.

It's lovely that your brother is close to you and wants to share the most exciting news of his life with you. Also he probably had no idea what time it was. I know when my DS was finally born after being in hospital for 2 days neither DH or I had any idea what day it actually was or time - we were in our own little bubble.

When DS was waking every 3 hrs at night to feed I had a stage of getting back into bed after feeding him for an hour and being really angry because I knew I'd be up again in 2 hours. I found it really helped to just focus on enjoying lying in my lovely warm bed and trying to not worry about what was coming next. Sometimes I did then go back to sleep for the 90 mins till he was awake again.

guiltynetter · 11/01/2015 08:09

YABU. it's one day.

heartisaspade · 11/01/2015 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Violettatrump · 11/01/2015 08:12

I think a text at that hour would be fine as a one off. A phonecall at that hour would make me think of an emergency

MrsKoala · 11/01/2015 08:13

Well i suppose i don't understand the desperate urge to tell anyone that much really. The important people would know i was in labour (called if it was a reasonable hour and txt if not.) if they were up they could txt/call back.

After i had ds1 i was on the ward for a week. a couple of nights people were brought in in the middle of the night after having their baby and then they called every bugger they knew.

Personally telling people wasn't really high on my list. I just wanted to look at the baby. I only had 2 people to call/tell (parents and a friend) and DH only had 1 (his parents - with ds2 they said they were in the middle of something and could they call back and then didn't. dh had to call them again 3hrs later and they had forgot. With ds1 i think it was days before his dad spoke to him and with both i don't think he ever said congratulations or even asked anything, just passed the phone to mil).

We aren't close to many people. So it seems alien to share this much really.

BackToTheFuschia · 11/01/2015 08:16

Sorry I think YABU! It's a one off, and with a small baby someone could call at 9am to find you've just dozed off after a feed etc.

He was just excited to share his news with you, I would just let it go.

GreyjoysAnatomy · 11/01/2015 08:19

I get that paperlace I just don't see why the text wasn't sufficient? And if she didn't answer the phone the first time, because she had put it on silent as she clearly didn't want to be disturbed, why then call a different phone to make sure and wake everyone up? I'd be really annoyed if that was me, unless it was an actual emergency or news that required some input from me like a parent in hospital or something. Maybe I just a miserable cah

RedToothBrush · 11/01/2015 08:21

I'm not speculating he has birth trauma thank you.

I am speculating that he might still need a bit of support and pointing out that its not just women who find the birth of a child potentially emotionally challenging (yes, potentially to the point where it is traumatic in a small number of cases, which I think is perfectly understandable.)

It can not be easy to watch the person you love most in so much pain and not be touched by it yourself. The idea that everyone supporting someone else comes out the other side unaffected is rather naïve in itself. I'd actually like to believe that men are not living in an emotional vacuum and are robots.

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