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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD demand money with menaces?

81 replies

IAmAllImportant · 10/01/2015 14:02

DD is 9 and is pretty obsessed with loom bands!

DP is 50 and pretty obsessed with rugby!

So far, so driving me crazy good!

One day DD asked if she could take her loom bands to the rugby club, so she had something to do. The kids have all been going to the club since they were tiny, so are pretty much free range!

It took quite some time for me to realise she had been selling her loom bands to the big hairy arsed rugby players. All fine, all fairly drunk good natured!

The next time we were at the club she did it. Again, fine! She told me after she waited till the men had had a drunk and were 'being silly', before selling them! My thoughts were that Alan Sugar would be proud!

We have come again and told her she can bring her loom bands and do them but not harrass people! Not really sure she was actually harassing people but just in case!

She had brought them, showed off over the £2 she made selling a couple! Then been rude to the steward/barman, saying 'See,I told you I could sell them' in a mocking tone of voice! She has been put in time out, loom bands surgically removed and locked in the car! She has also been made to apologise!

She thinks I am being unreasonable! What do you think?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 10/01/2015 15:12

I think people have probably complained. I would stop her taking them.

EatShitDerek · 10/01/2015 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HandMini · 10/01/2015 15:18

A well off child making a nuisance of herself every time she's at rugby is a bit tacky tbh.

This.

As a parent, you do need to be careful that your children's interactions with others are welcome and not a nuisance. People are usually outwardly polite but may be inwardly fucked off.

It's good that you're aware enough to get this.

I don't see why she can't have the loom band kit in the club as long as she doesn't sell them.

Original poster
IAmAllImportant · 10/01/2015 15:19

I honestly don't think anyone has complained! I have stopped her though! I have taken her to the field her Dad is playing on and she is being water girl! A suitable and we supervised occupation for her! She is busy, she is happy, her Dad is supervising her. She did try the car door on the way there and knows it is not locked! DP will be told asked to remedy that when he comes back, before he showers.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 10/01/2015 17:06

OP you don't need to lock the door, just tell her she's not to have them. If she won't do as she is told aged 9 then you have a bigger problem than loom bands tbh.

Original poster
IAmAllImportant · 10/01/2015 17:52

A well off child making a nuisance of herself every time she's at rugby is a bit tacky tbh.

Oh the wonderful assumption that all on MN are well off. Thanks for that.

If she won't do as she is told aged 9 then you have a bigger problem than loom bands tbh. Yup! ADHD, which I am fighting, and yes it is a fight, to get diagnosed! She is the third child of four I am bringing up! The other three have been a breeze compared to her! I know we have bigger problems, but thanks for pointing it out even though I already had!

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmAllImportant · 10/01/2015 17:56

I don't see why she can't have the loom band kit in the club as long as she doesn't sell them. It's not that simple! She does not do as she is told. She will ask people if they want to buy them, they say yes, then she tells me she is right I am wrong! She either is allowed to sell them, or not allowed to have them!

As it happens, a couple of people asked her, in front of me if they could buy one! They wanted them for other people. She had not asked them, they asked her.

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmAllImportant · 10/01/2015 17:59

ESD, an angle that had not occurred to me! She has apologised for being rude, I will make her go and say sorry for stealing his business!

OP posts:
MassaAttack · 10/01/2015 18:03

Her confidence and enterprising spirit will take her far. She sounds ace (if hard work) :)

Yanbu to rein in her sales at the rugby club though. She's had her day there - time to move on to another scheme.

Original poster
IAmAllImportant · 10/01/2015 18:09

I don't see why she can't have the loom band kit in the club as long as she doesn't sell them.

You've clearly met her, lol!

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmAllImportant · 10/01/2015 18:10

Sorry, last most was meant to be

Her confidence and enterprising spirit will take her far. She sounds ace (if hard work)

You've clearly met her!

Not sure how I pasted the wrong thing. I had copied correctly, I was sure of it.

OP posts:
hesterton · 10/01/2015 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 10/01/2015 18:21

I certainly wouldn't be encouraging this selling spree. She sounds an absolute nuisance and brat.

Original poster
IAmAllImportant · 10/01/2015 18:26

I can't wait to see her on The Apprentice in 15 years time!

Do you want to be the care taker until then? Grin

She sounds an absolute nuisance and brat.

Read that back and work out what you sound like! I already said I had reined her in. Do you have an inability to RTFT? Is that similar to ADHD, in that it requires understanding from others? Or is it just nastiness?

OP posts:
Bulbasaur · 10/01/2015 18:44

I have ADHD and my parents still got me to listen, they had to be strict with firm boundaries, but I was not allowed free reign wherever I went. I have a cousin who has a severe LD and ADHD and same deal. We got into trouble, yes. Alot, yes. But you can bet if we were out and about our parents were on us like flies on shit.

Loading her up on Ritalin or Adderall isn't going to be a magic cure, and unless she's struggling in school or having severe problems, it's doubtful she'll even get a diagnosis let alone medication.

I couldn't even get a diagnosis until I was an adult after a 3 day assessment, and this was in the US where it's easier to get a diagnosis than the UK.

If you truly believe she has ADHD then you need to research discipline methods and act accordingly. It's not a free pass to sit back and throw your hands up. It means you need to work harder and work with her. You know she has ADHD, so you know need to keep a better eye on her because simply telling her to behave will quickly be forgotten. Adapt accordingly.

Original poster
IAmAllImportant · 10/01/2015 19:00

Thanks for that. I thought I had said that I gave her time out, removed the loom bands and made her apologise!

Was that not enough?

I do not think I can just throw my hands up and sit back! Chance would be a fine thing! You volunteering for a shift?

I know ritalin etc are not a magic cure, not even sure I want to go that route, but a diagnosis and recognition would be just, you know, well a bit of support for all we go through as a family. For the lack of sleep, the lack of any personal space, the lack of being allowed to parent DS without interference from DD.

I have adapted accordingly. Where do I say I have not! It is hard, it is relentless, but I do it. My 'time off' is spent relaxing at the rugby club, but it is not relaxing because I DO rein (no need for the extra G) her in. I DO control her. I was asking if I was as unreasonable as she thought I was to do so!

OP posts:
isitsnowingyet · 10/01/2015 19:14

Biscuit and yes - I've read the whole thread.

My tip would be don't your 9 year old to a rugby club bar to 'relax' as no doubt she is bored and will find endless ways to amuse herself that you don't like.

And no, before you ask, I don't want to look after her

Bulbasaur · 10/01/2015 19:15

Why would I volunteer for a shift? She's not my kid. I have my own rambunctious child to take care of.

You say you don't want to watch her more because she's high maintenance, and when people pull you up on it, you throw around ADHD as an excuse, and then an insult to another poster. I don't think you even know what ADHD is to even claim it. It's not just being unable to listen or pay attention.

You've got two problems:

  1. You're already clinging to a diagnosis that you may not even get and she may not even have. Lots of disorders mimic ADHD, and ADHD is usually co-morbid with something else making it hard to pick out.
  1. You have a child "with ADHD" and don't have a clear or consistent discipline method. You don't have firm boundaries with her or she would not be arguing with you, the fact that she tells you she was right and you were wrong means that somewhere you gave her negotiating power. If she is this high maintenance she needs black and white X action gets X punishment. That's what I mean when I say you need to research and find a better discipline method.

and as a side.. There's plenty of people that don't believe ADHD exists, and plenty of articles misquoting the guy that discovered it as saying it's made up. Even if you get a diagnosis, be prepared for lots of eye rolling.

MassaAttack · 10/01/2015 19:18

I imagine if you have two older children, it's difficult to adjust your parenting when a third appears to have ADHD or similar. Not saying that you've not adjusted btw, op, I just think a few posters are being unfairly harsh.

Disclaimer: I have no experience of raising a child with ADHD and I'm the mother of an only.

Could you let her take her loom thing once a month, and insist she doesn't approach people but rather installs herself at a table with a sign advertising her wares? It seems a shame to try and stifle the positive (ie the confidence and the enterprise).

Janethegirl · 10/01/2015 19:20

I'd say most rugby players will be able to deal with a 9 year old girl. They probably enjoyed the banter, she enjoyed the interaction. It's the barman who is being unreasonable Grin

Original poster
IAmAllImportant · 10/01/2015 19:21

WTF is the biscuit for? I don't actually expect to relax there, I am over that. I accept I don't get to do that while being her parent. Unless I leave her with DP and escape, which I get to do sometimes.

She is not bored, she has countless children to play with, including her brother. She has things to do to keep her amused! She just wanted to make some money and I did not allow that. WIBU to stop her? wonders if someone can stick to the point

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 10/01/2015 19:22

I know we have bigger problems, but thanks for pointing it out even though I already had!

No, you hadn't pointed that out.

Original poster
IAmAllImportant · 10/01/2015 19:23

I'd say most rugby players will be able to deal with a 9 year old girl. They probably enjoyed the banter, she enjoyed the interaction. It's the barman who is being unreasonable

That's nice of you to say Jane. He wasn't though, he is lovely! Such a nice guy and good with the kids on the whole.

I am sure the rugby players are well able to deal with a 9 year old girl though, but I don't think they should have to. I dealt with her.

OP posts:
TooHasty · 10/01/2015 19:31

It's a bloody rugby club.They go to pursue a hobby , relax with their friends in the bar after.They have been very kind in humouring her so far.Don't push your luck!

Oh and enterprise is about providing something people want at the right price, it is not about manipulating friends and family into parting with their cash.

Original poster
IAmAllImportant · 10/01/2015 19:31

I know we have bigger problems, but thanks for pointing it out even though I already had!

No, you hadn't pointed that out.

My post at 14.24

Fair enough but she misinterpreted that as she wouldn't be able to, a sort of challenge! Not unusual, as she had ADHD. Not officially diagnosed, but I know! Life is a constant battle to rein her in!

My post at 14.42

This is the child who never sleeps! This is a child who challenges the need to wear a coat, wear a jumper, go out in actual clothes, not pull her brother about!

That not quite clear enough for you, Fairenuff? Really? Or are you one of those who just reads the OP makes your mind up you want an argument and then has a go at the OP regardless of what they say?

OP posts: