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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

finding it hurtful that DM is slowly giving me everything I did as a child including hand made gifts and school photographs

101 replies

r80s · 10/01/2015 13:40

Maybe I'm being strange, but my dm seems to slowly be giving me everything do to with me from her home.

She's just dropped off another box that includes paintings done when I was 4, all my school photographs that she bought and even badges and pots I made as gifts for her when I was little.

It's really upset me, aibu to think these are her possessions not mine and she's being hurtful?

OP posts:

Blackout234 · 10/01/2015 13:41

Is there more to this? Why do you find it hurtful?

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 10/01/2015 13:42

YABU she's going to die eventually so what do you want her to do with your childhood things?

Haggisfish · 10/01/2015 13:42

Yabu-she's probably just trying to save you a job when she dies. She's allowing you to choose what you want to keep slowly-I'd be fine with it.

mytartanscarf · 10/01/2015 13:43

It's hurtful because she is saying (as the OP reads it) - "take these, they are yours."

When presumably she kept them in the first place for sentimental value.

Indantherene · 10/01/2015 13:43

At least she's kept them. I would love to have stuff I did as a child but it's all gone. Seems an odd thing to get upset about.

arlagirl · 10/01/2015 13:44

Why is it hurtful?
Maybe she's decluttering.

I will give things like school photos to my dcs when they leave home

Frusso · 10/01/2015 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mytartanscarf · 10/01/2015 13:44

And "she's going to die eventually"

Yeah and OBVIOUSLY chucking out anything to do with your childhood before she does will really soften the blow, won't it.

MissBattleaxe · 10/01/2015 13:44

My Mum does this and i think its' quite sweet. She is kind of giving me things I did at the same as my children are now. It puts a kind of perspective on it and I rather like it, as do my children. "Was that your homework when you were my age" etc.

I wouldn't take offence, she is probably taking stock and thinks that now you're older is the time you might find it all interesting.

chocolateyy · 10/01/2015 13:46

My DM is doing the same.

I asked her & she said she would rather I had it all now, because she feels I would find it hurtful to go through it all when she "goes", & see how much of it she kept.

Fuckmath · 10/01/2015 13:46

Yabu

It actually seems thoughtful of her as far as I can see? Surely she is giving you childhood things that she thinks you might like for sentimental value. It's not saying she wants nothing to do with you in her home! Unless there is more to it?

Tbh I am amazed she has even kept your artwork from your 4 year old self this long in the first place so may be I have a different approach on this

GretnaGreen · 10/01/2015 13:46

We're all going to die eventually, OP's mum could be in her 30s or 40s for all you know

Perhaps she thinks you'll want them for yourself or your own children, OP. When I moved out I took a lot of stuff I'd done. It does also sound as if there's quite a lot of it. I mean, my parents didn't keep most of the paintings and things I made them but I'm not offended as there would have been boxes of stuff which whilst created with love had outlived its purpose. I would just say to her that you'd like her to keep some of the things and maybe pick them together?

Canyouforgiveher · 10/01/2015 13:49

My mum did this too. Once she reached about 70/75 every letter she sent me had a copybook or a picture or card I made her. I loved it. I got a complete set of my school reports one time. I liked it. She treasured those things when I was a child and still treasured them enough to want me to have them.

Original poster

r80s · 10/01/2015 13:50

Well of course she's going to die one day. But she gleefully turns up with a box of "my stuff" very happy to offload it. Its not a you might be interested in this, its more a Im so happy to get rid of this stuff. The fridge magnet I made when I was little out of that stuff you baked was hardly taking up room on her fridge and has been there 20+ years.

OP posts:

JustTenMinutesPeace · 10/01/2015 13:50

I would think she treasured these items enough to keep them all these years.

Obviously you any help how you feel but what would you want her to do with them now? Display them? If they will just sit in a box for another lot of years, where is the harm in her giving them to you so you can find bits you might treasure?!
Also, if there's anything you would really like her to have, you can give it back go her. Maybe with a wee note saying how you remembered making it/ the photo being taken etc.

I loved seeing the stuff my gran kept that I made her. For that reason I keep all the random clay sculptures that my dd1 made even though they don't resemble anything... Dd can choose to let them go eventually.

petalunicorn · 10/01/2015 13:53

My dm did this, although volumes weren't large, she did it because she wanted to give it to us whilst she was young enough to be able to look at it with us and not come across it all when sorting the house when she was dead. It also coincided with first grandchild, which I suspect wasn't a coincidence. I didn't find it hurtful, but as I have put away a few mementos from my own child I can't imagine wanting to hand them over, but maybe I will, who knows?

Original poster

r80s · 10/01/2015 13:55

Mother is only 65 and in good health. I don't think many of these items are treasured , they have a big house and they've only come across most of them as they are clearing the loft.

OP posts:

mytartanscarf · 10/01/2015 13:56

r80s, how old is your mum and has she by any chance (so sorry if I'm way off the mark!) recently been widowed?

My dad started doing similar stuff after my mum died.

Flomple · 10/01/2015 13:56

I am the same with my mum. She has given me all 'my' baby photos. I felt a bit rejected, like she didn't need any mementos of my childhood now that she had grandchildren to replace them with. Logically this is silly, I know, but part of me wishes she thought a baby pic of me is worth hanging onto. Binning them without offering to me first would put an even lower value on them IYSWIM, soshe's in a no-win situation really.

I have a similar dilemma with handmade, extremely unique things she knitted for my children as babies. You can't hang on to everything, and when the time came to get rid I felt I should offer them back to her first rather than give them away elsewhere. However, that risks offending her for failing to keep the cardis forever.

Viviennemary · 10/01/2015 13:57

I can see why you are hurt by this. But perhaps she is intending to downsize or just has too much stuff to fit in her house. But if they have plenty of room she should just keep it or chuck it. Not give it back.

squoosh · 10/01/2015 13:57

I can see why you're hurt. She isn't cherishing your childhood the way you'd like her too, she sees it as clutter that needs to be cleared.But some people just aren't sentimental types and don't need 'things' as mementoes.

mytartanscarf · 10/01/2015 13:57

Sorry, we cross posted with her age :)

Bonsoir · 10/01/2015 13:58

I don't like "mementoes" of my childhood. I find them a bit creepy.

paxtecum · 10/01/2015 14:00

Are they planning to move house?

DuchessofBuffonia · 10/01/2015 14:02

I would be a bit hurt too, particularly the gifts you made, rather than the photos.

Are they thinking about moving / downsizing, so are decluttering in preparation?

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