finding it hurtful that DM is slowly giving me everything I did as a child including hand made gifts and school photographs

[r80s]

Maybe I'm being strange, but my dm seems to slowly be giving me everything do to with me from her home.

She's just dropped off another box that includes paintings done when I was 4, all my school photographs that she bought and even badges and pots I made as gifts for her when I was little.

It's really upset me, aibu to think these are her possessions not mine and she's being hurtful?

I haven't rtft (sorry, a mortal sin I know) but I would say YABU. Dh's mum did this in one massive wham, and then slowly it continues in dribs and drabs. Dh was and is hurt by it because he says it feels like she's trying to clear him out of her life. He doesn't expect her to keep endless nicknacks and crap from primary school, but stuff like crockery he had as a child (which her gcs could use when they visit) would be nice to have.

You should be happy OP. My evil mother has my stuff in her house and I'll never see it again. I'd love to have my things, but I never will.

I even go on eBay to search for replacements.

She even stole childhood photos from me and I had to give her £200 for her to give me them back.

My mum is 65 as well and has reached the stage of wanting to downsize and de clutter. She wants to do it now while she is fit and able to do it because when her and my dad eventually do downsize she may not be as able. It has become a bit of a joke now that my sister and brother must be delighted that they don't actually have any children because they get to miss out on having generations gone crap foisted on them at every visit.
Even the things I made and gave my mum as gifts I don't feel just getting them back. I assume things I've made as a child she has kept a hd of to give me back at a later date. I've certainly kept stuff belonging to my own dc in a box in the loft because I think they will enjoy it later in life not because I have any huge attachment to it.

Is it possible that your hurt feelings are coming from a different place? That you are on some level realising your parents are ageing now and are planning for their twilight years now.
I have a similar kind of thing in my head just now. I seen my dad bend down to pick something up and he was much stiffer than he used to be and it brought home to me that actually he is nearly 70 now. He is elderly.

I wish people wouldn't project their own family into a situation, and fondly imagine it's being done in a different manner from the way the OP is clearly describing!

Yes, it would be nice if it was being done in all the different ways suggested, and I can understand that people would want to check for misunderstandings/ misinterpretations first of all, but with the relationship that's being described here, and the way it's being done described here, the OP is perfectly within her rights to feel sad about it or want to question it.

OP, I wonder if saying something to your mother might help her see how it's coming across? She may mean it differently and is being thoughtless rather than actually shoving gifts back at you and other child hood tokens of love. I'd give her the chance to correct that impression.

On the other hand if she does really think it's ok to give back gifts and mementoes because she doesn't value them or the emotions behind them (I'd want to check all of that chain of logic myself!) then yes, poor you, that's not nice at all.

MIL did both this and the wholesale binning of stuff when she first began to suffer from dementia, before being diagnosed. I know which DH preferred - he still is sad about some of the binned stuff -and in my case, in retrospect, a lot of her giving things to me was accompanied by a rather definite assertion over who gave it to her, almost underlining her diminishing ability to actually remember where she got things from in the first place.

Yes, it did smart a bit at times - giving back a present - but actually it was part of a now-permanent reconfiguring of the relationship from the child being the person whose needs and emotions are always considered first.

YANBU to feel that way, given the manner in which your DM is returning your stuff to you.

My DM has some stuff of mine in a drawer. I don't think she looks at it at all as she has exorcised that period of time from her mind. I took my school reports and books when DD hit sec school age - highly embarrassing compared to hers!

I have only kept a selection of their stuff in the loft and certainly don't look at it all the time! Photos and film, now they are different

((((hidden))))

If this happened to me I would be pleased that my parents had kept them.

My parents have no school photos, drawings, crafts or reports from my childhood.

Very relevant topic! DS1 just got married and I was thinking of packing up some of his artwork, Xmas decs, etc as I thought he & DiL might enjoy having them in their own home.

I think I'll wait a bit, maybe when they buy their first home or if they have a child.

My mum kept all ours until she could no longer live alone.

It was a massive job to sort it all out after our parents died. It would have been much better to start house clearance years before. You are lucky your mother is doing so. Also why should we continue to house boxes of children's stuff. I have at least 25 boxes in my loft of each of my daughters plus their stuff all over. I am keeping it for now (and the other children who live here - their things) but I am looking forward to the day when every single bit is cleared out and I get the space. That is not because I dislike the children and I certainly will retain photos and digital images.

Would you rather she chucked it all in the bin? YABU.

My mother did this. I got a massive parcel, unannounced, in the post containing the few things she had kept of my childhood, just about all the photos she ever had of myself/DH/DCs, loads of stuff my DC had done for her, cards/pottery etc.

This was after a phonecall in which she tried to tell me I was a crap parent for getting DTS2 assessed for ASD. I then told her what I REALLY thought of her parenting (abusive) and she hung up on me.

She cut me off after that. Very glad to see some beautifully written letters I wrote to her and my stepfather when I was 7 though. Proves that I was not the nasty,evil child she made me out to be .

Oh my mum is doing this, I think that now I have dc, they will like looking at mummies things and that I will too, she is nearly 80, mabey wants to pass them on before she checks out.

My mum got rid of loads of this sort of stuff from her loft. She had just had to go through her mum's things and found it really upsetting.

Her reasoning was that she didn't want us to be upset by having to sort it out. I can understand her point even if I don't agree with it.

I forgot to respond to the OP.

It depends on your relationship with your mother.

I'm not sure, but I think my parents just slowly lost or got rid of old childhood DIY stuff. What's the point in keeping something you no longer proudly display? I have a few mother's day gifts I made for my mom in my house. I think they were just silly school projects, nothing I really put too much thought into, but it's fun to look at now that I have DD.

My mom hung onto things like photos and scrapbooks she made. I think I have a baby book, but by the time she had DB she didn't have time to make one for him.

Oh hidden that's absolutely TERRIBLE!! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such a toxic person!

I wish you luck in your searches for replacements. If any of the items you are wanting to replace are books, there are some good websites out there that have or look out for old, out of print books. Also websites for dishes if you're looking for childhood crockery or such. Not sure about toys, but I wouldn't be surprised.

I thought the point of keeping childhood stuff was to keep it for your children.
My Mum gave me some stuff when I got married and some more when I turned 30. I wasn't offended.
PIL kept every school book DH ever used, all his cub and scout uniforms, all his football kits, school reports etc gave him the lot on his 30th. Then was really annoyed when he got rid of half of it.

I think yabu. People can't keep everything forever. My dm gives me old tat she finds from my childhood. It annoys me because I try so hard to keep my house clear and instead she gives me more shit to bin. I couldn't quite bring myself to throw out a hideous crochet blanket my dgm made nor the wooden Easter eggs that my dc quite enjoy playing with. The rest I bin. I get where she's coming from because she's trying to give me the option of keeping things for sentimental reasons.

When ds1 was born she gave me the baby towel that was over 30 years old that had been mine. It had threads pulled out all over and was really scratchy. I binned it. No one needs a sentimental towel. I figure she can't bring herself to throw things because she kept stuff do long, so giving it me is the easier way to declutter.

I don't understand what you expect your dm to do. Keep these things indefinitely? It's not that important. It's nice to declutter. No wonder she's gleeful. It doesn't mean anything about her love for you.

Look at it this way. When you have grown up children you can pass on all their shit, just in case they want 'mementos of childhood'.

Some people are thicker skinned than others and it would be a mistake to assume there has to be any significance in her actions.

If the stuff was in the loft, she might just think "aw look at this. Shame to keep it in the loft, I'll give it back to r80s so she can reminisce/laugh/bin/whatever"

She is decluttering and getting ready to move on to the next stage of her life. It really isn't about you. When downsizing, she won't be able to take a whole pile of stuff with her.

She is 65 and fit, but the fact is that she doesn't know how many good years she has left and decluttering and downsizing is a job that needs to be done while she is still fit and capable of it. My own mother did it about the same age and that goodness she did. Going through someone's life and all their accumulated clutter after they have died is hell.

YANBU to be sad that your childhood is being dismantled, but life has moved on since then. You've grown up and moved out and have your own adult life and home. Your Mum is allowed to move on to a new phase in her life too. She doesn't have to keep her home stuck in the past because you like to remember your childhood things.

By the way one thing I did with some childhood things I'd kept for years - old teddies, 1960s jigsaws was take some digital photos before they went to the charity shop so you have the memory but don't have to store them. i still have masses of stuff, my daughters' 50 boxes in the loft and even just yesterday I moved my son's very large drum kit which completely filled a cupboard upstairs but at least the living room looks a bit better. It is a constant job keeping the house from looking like a hoarder's place. I got all the VHS home videos put on one hard drive. Of the non family ones I just took about 60 to a charity shop after offering each child any they wanted to keep. I want to get it all sorted before I die rather than leave my children to a massively packed house when I die.

Once we'd taken what we 2wanted from my parents' house when they died the company I hired to clear the rest of it said there was 7 tonnes of stuff about 2.5 times more than most houses.

i like the photo tip

Oh goodness, I'm up to my arse in glittery sticky stuff and drawings done by DD2 (8), let alone most of the belongings of student son, and all the random stuff of my own I have accumulated in 47 years. Don't say I'm supposed to feel guilty about boxing up all the clutter belonging to DD1 when she got a home of her own? It's not that I don't love her, but she was the one moaning about the chaos when she came home and suggesting I did some decluttering....
I didn't feel I had the right to decide whether the stuff that was hers was precious or not, so I gave it to her to deal with.

I have about 10 boxes of childhood things relating to my Dc. Can't bear the thought of them going down the tip. Will prob ask children if they want them when I'm old. Think your Mum doesn't want to throw them away either.