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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

finding it hurtful that DM is slowly giving me everything I did as a child including hand made gifts and school photographs

101 replies

r80s · 10/01/2015 13:40

Maybe I'm being strange, but my dm seems to slowly be giving me everything do to with me from her home.

She's just dropped off another box that includes paintings done when I was 4, all my school photographs that she bought and even badges and pots I made as gifts for her when I was little.

It's really upset me, aibu to think these are her possessions not mine and she's being hurtful?

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 10/01/2015 14:04

My Mum does this sort of thing. She did it with a lot of my sister's stuff - she emigrated abroad and wrote a lot of really interesting letters home; she is a really good writer. My Mum decided she didn't want them cluttering up the place so she gave them to me. I felt hurt and insulted on my sister's behalf.

(I honestly can't remember what I did with them, whether I refused to take them or whether I have got them up in the loft or somewhere.)

ProfYaffle · 10/01/2015 14:04

My Mum (same age as yours) started doing this once I had the dc. She seems to be kind of handing down the family mementoes, passing the baton down to the newest generation iyswim. I'm also getting things like Grandad's medals, Uncle Ernie's death certificate (!) too.

However if it's being done with more of an air of decluttering then, yes, I can see it would be hurtful.

christinarossetti · 10/01/2015 14:04

My mother is doing this too, in conjunction with a general clearing out of unwanted cheese boards, plastic containers, curtains etc. She sees it as 'getting rid of what I can now' I think because the process of sorting out my aunt's flat when she died was very upsetting for her.

The cheese board etc she won't use again is one thing, but I know what you mean about the home made cards, stories, bits of pottery I wrote at school. For me, it feels hurtful/unsettling/bewildering/irritating because yes, they're her things and I thought she'd hung on to them because they meant something to her.

Also, it seems to be some sort of one-way communication about her advancing age and declining health - like she's trying to communicate something about moving towards the end of her life, but in a way I don't get a chance to 'say' anything. It's like she's trying to act out something going on internally, and my role is to be a bit of a dumping ground with no place or way to express my own thoughts or feelings.

Don't know if that makes sense. For me, it doesn't feel 'sweet', I feel like I'm being put in a position of being the recipient of something.

Don't know if that makes sense, but I'm with you on not liking it.

Original poster

r80s · 10/01/2015 14:04

No hasn't been recently widowed. I know they eventually want to downsize. But its more the way she comes beaming like a Cheshire cat eager to bit rid of all of "my stuff" with no thought as to how I perceive it. I don't have children and recently single and live alone. So no one to share it with, just seems like she wants none of my stuff, even things that were gifts.

OP posts:

ChocLover2015 · 10/01/2015 14:04

My mum has done this too.

minionmadness · 10/01/2015 14:05

I would love this. Save a couple of photo's, I don't have anything from my childhood. It would bring me such joy to look through things I did when a child.

My parents loved/love us dearly and we were/are the centre of their world but they weren't very sentimental so never kept anything that we made.

For this reason I am keeping lots of things that my dts's have done for me, along with school reports and work books, and will continue to do so.

If you think it's your mums way of getting rid of clutter then there must be more to the situation than you are saying.

SukieTuesday · 10/01/2015 14:05

So the stuff was mostly in the loft? It wasn't sitting around being cherished?

My parents never bothered to save any of that stuff. I'd imagine yours put it away partly for you!

Inkanta · 10/01/2015 14:05

It seems kind of normal to me - a mother keeping your childhood things, and then passing them on to you when you are an adult and have your own place.

I also think that people as they retire naturally want to downsize and de-clutter - it's just a natural process. Not something to take personally unless there is more to it than this ... some difficulties in the relationship.

christinarossetti · 10/01/2015 14:05

Yes, it's the "no thought as to how I perceive it" that doesn't sit well with me.

Rebecca2014 · 10/01/2015 14:06

Least your mum gives you your old stuff. My dad has chucked all of ours school books etc, stuff I would love to have kept myself.

Personally I think your being unreasonable. To be honest I keep my daughter drawing, photos etc not just for me but for her to look at one day when she is older.

Skatingfastonthinice · 10/01/2015 14:08

We moved around a lot when I was a child, and my parents never kept anything of ours like that from one move to the next.
Your mother has kept these things for decades, and she could have binned them after a few years. It seems a bit unfair for you to want her to keep them until she dies.
I could understand if she was returning presents you gave her in the last couple of years, but paintings you did when you were 4? Really?

Sparklingbrook · 10/01/2015 14:08

My Mum doesn't have any stuff like that and she hasn't given me any of it with the exception of school reports, I don't think she could have kept anything. I am doing similar and being very selective what I keep of the DSs.
I just don't think they will want it in years to come TBH.

I am about to chuck all the new arrival cards from when the DSs were born, now they are teenagers.

MaMaMarmoset · 10/01/2015 14:10

I think it's nice.

sanfairyanne · 10/01/2015 14:11

she has kept them for a long time. many parents dont bother at all you know? just tell her to bin them if you dont want them. she probably cant bring herself to throw them away but is decluttering in the way a lot of older people do, sorting their lives out to spare you a job later on.
i have slowly been given a whole load of my childhood. i just stick it in the attic.
(hoarder family )

CatsClaus · 10/01/2015 14:11

would you rather she just threw it out, cos if it's all up in the loft then it's hardly cherished stuff?

tbh I am a good deal younger than your ma and have LONG since ditched most of the children's tat....and with the best will in the world that IS what it is.

sanfairyanne · 10/01/2015 14:13

my kids now have some rather tatty homemade items i made when i was about 7. they insisted they wanted them as ornaments

arlagirl · 10/01/2015 14:14

I've just done that *sparklingbrook"
No idea who half of them are from.

I am decluttering prior to divorce

SukieTuesday · 10/01/2015 14:14

If you want another way of looking at it, she has you. She has her DD and all her memories of you as a child.

I'm sure parents the world over sort through their children's things and get rid off the pictures they painted and the gifts they made. Some parents do this during their DC's childhoods. Some do it when their DC leave home. Some, like yours, have stored the things away and are now clearing them out. Even those who have mentioned keeping things on this thread are only keeping some things and are partly doing that so their DC can have see them when they're adults. When children are tragically lost people tend to hold on to these things very tightly. When we're lucky enough to still have our DC we can afford to have a looser grip.

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/01/2015 14:17

The trouble is, much as she may have loved it when you were 7, it is tat. My DCs are currently bringing home stuff every week. They make cards for me all the time. We have junk modelling, plasticine and clay models. Collages and bits of fabric stuck and sewed together. Realistically, while I love it now, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have the same attachment to it in 20 years time. And certainly not if I keep accumulating it at the current rate. It isn't intrinsically brilliant. I think seeing her giving it back to you as some kind of rejection is unreasonable. She has moved on in her reationship with you as you have grown. You aren't the person who made those bits of pottery anymore. She may be a bit more attached to the present than the past.

Fairylea · 10/01/2015 14:25

I'm surprised by the replies. I'd be hurt too op. Those were gifts you made your mum as a child and you want her to treasure them forever. I can't believe someone upthread said basically she's going to die anyway! Wtf?! Yes of course we all die one day but you'd hope the things remained loved by her until then and then they would pass back to you.

Haahoooo · 10/01/2015 14:28

My mum has done this and it didn't occur to me to be upset.

I think maybe it depends on the context. My mum said something along the lines of: here are all your things, they are wonderful, we've just been crying and laughing going through them again and we'd love for you to have them now".

To be honest I was impressed how much she kept. Every little note I scribbled it seemed!

Ragwort · 10/01/2015 14:28

There is surely a limit on how much of these home-made tat people can keep - my DS is only 13 but I making myself be ruthless because there is just no point in holding on to all that 'stuff'. Yes, it may just be boxed up in the loft but it is actually quite liberating to clear stuff out. Would you rather she just threw it all away, she probably feels she is doing the right thing to hand it back to you. Do you honestly expect her to hold on to all those craft items you've made over the years? .

My DS made a clock in woodwork a few months ago, it's awful, it doesn't work and it looks horrible & he's not at all proud of it but just dumped it on me ........ I made the decision to chuck it out today. I feel 100% better. .

Sparklingbrook · 10/01/2015 14:30

arla I have looked at them about twice since the DSs were born. I got them down to show them and they could not have been less interested, so they are going. I can't ever imagine them saying 'Mum I need to see that card they got you at work when I was born'. And YY to not knowing who some are from.

A good idea is to photograph stuff, like any works of art the DC do that you want to keep, but then there's no cluttery paper.

DeckTheHallsWithBartimaeus · 10/01/2015 14:34

My parents started decluttering when DB and I left home aged 18. Its done them a world of good mentally and practically. It meant their downsizing was a lot easier. And they only kept stuffthey really treasure.

I admit Im far happier with that than MIL who is a hoarder and never throws anything away.

morethanpotatoprints · 10/01/2015 14:34

My dc will have their childhood boxes when they have their own homes. Ds1 is only temporarily at gf parents so his is being stored in his old room, but as soon as kids go, their keepsake box goes too
I don't see why you are so hurt.
What is it about it that is hurting you?

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