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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

finding it hurtful that DM is slowly giving me everything I did as a child including hand made gifts and school photographs

101 replies

r80s · 10/01/2015 13:40

Maybe I'm being strange, but my dm seems to slowly be giving me everything do to with me from her home.

She's just dropped off another box that includes paintings done when I was 4, all my school photographs that she bought and even badges and pots I made as gifts for her when I was little.

It's really upset me, aibu to think these are her possessions not mine and she's being hurtful?

OP posts:
DeckTheHallsWithBartimaeus · 10/01/2015 14:35

We did get first dibs on everythig though and I was the one who sorted through my school ad 'art' work

StrattersThePreciousSnowflake · 10/01/2015 14:35

I'm surprised too by some of the remarks. You must feel like she's almost exorcising you from her house :(

TheWoollybacksWife · 10/01/2015 14:36

My mum does this too. Most of the time it is quite nice to be given something and we sit and reminisce about the time I made it or the photo was taken. I have all my old school reports, all my certificates and even my maternity notes from when I was born.

However, she recently gave me a sampler that I made in the first year of junior school. It was a piece of fabric with different embroidery stitches worked in different coloured thread and had my initials and the year I made it. I was delighted and started to tell her about making it when she told me that she had initially tried to give it to my older cousin who has the same initials as me. I was very sad to think that her first thought on finding it was not to give it to her own daughter but to think her niece must have made it. To be honest I have put it in an envelope at the back of my wardrobe as I can't look at it. I know that makes me sound like a petulant toddler.

christmaspies · 10/01/2015 14:39

I've kept lots of things but feel quite sad when I read my dis' school reports because they are full of negative remarks from his teachers. He has turned out well academically with a PhD but I wouldn't like him to read what his teachers thought of him when he was at school. I ought to bin them really

StrumpersPlunkett · 10/01/2015 14:41

My parents have done this over the last year or so.
I don't like it. I though they kept stuff to remind themselves of cute things that I did.
Mum for years had a framed mothers day card that I made for her, she gave me it cos it was clutter. And yes that upset me as well.

Don't know about my boys stuff, I do keep things but am much more tempted byg the idea of a friend who scans things and has them made into photo book annuals about the kids.

I8toys · 10/01/2015 14:42

My mum gave me a box of my stuff when she moved. Never gave it a second thought - shoved it in the loft. My boys won't want it when they are older so it will stay there gathering dust. Not really a sentimental person though and I prefer to live in the here and now.

Bulbasaur · 10/01/2015 14:43

christmaspies Why? He turned out well.

He could use it as inspiration if his own kids don't do well in school or have behavioral problems.

I think my school reports were pretty good on paper. But we have parent teacher conferences here, and everyone always offloaded onto my mom all the things I did. She'd come home exhausted from it and was relieved when I finally got a teacher that actually liked me.

StrumpersPlunkett · 10/01/2015 14:43

Christmaspies. Re your sons school reports. It may help when he is a dad himself to read them and acknowledge that teachers can sometimes misjudge a child's ability? Don't bin them!

emms1981 · 10/01/2015 14:50

At least she kept them. My mum walked out and doesn't have any pictures of me and my brother as babies or childre and has never asked for any. I have 2 children and I don't understand this

fluffyraggies · 10/01/2015 14:51

My mum did this about 15 years ago. It didn't coinside with anything else going on particularly. She suddenly gave me all my certificates from school, school photos, and some other bits and pieces.

I was a bit Confused to be honest. If she didn't want them, why did she think i would? I don't have any sentimentality about my 7 year old self! I can plainly remember learning to swim, doing my ballet exam and running about with an egg on sports day, i was there, it was me! It's her that should be keeping the 'keepsakes' of my childhood.

Plus her house is twice the size of any i've lived in (and with half the people living in it) and these bits and bobs had a choice of 3 empty bedrooms to languish in!

drbonnieblossman · 10/01/2015 14:52

She's getting Her house (life in order). Don't be offended.

My mum did the same - big envelope of school reports, certificates etc. had been in her loft for 30 odd years, safe and sound.

Gave them to me and they mysteriously vanished got binned by husband less than a week later.

mytartanscarf · 10/01/2015 15:02

Sparkling - but how old are they?

These things - they aren't important in your teens but when you get a bit older and (sorry) especially if you lose a parent they become so important. My mum kept all my cards (from when I was born I mean) and it helped knowing that even when my life was a disaster there was a time when everyone was just delighted with a new baby.

DancingDinosaur · 10/01/2015 15:08

My mum has been doing this. I know she's doing it because she thinks she will die sooner rather than later, so she's getting her house in order, so to speak.

christmaspies · 10/01/2015 15:11

Bulbs see and stumpers, thank you for making me see the positives. You are quite right. Even though I didn't agree with the teachers at the time I dispaired that they didn't think he had any real talent or potential. It certainly hasn't detered him frm acheiving his goals and I'll tell him so

Gruntfuttock · 10/01/2015 15:17

My mother never kept anything to do with me, including any photos, so I have nothing from when I was younger.

DazzleU · 10/01/2015 15:17

I've kept lots of things but feel quite sad when I read my dis' school reports because they are full of negative remarks from his teachers.

I was given mine - my parents were re-doing the room and asked if I wanted this box of stuff. The room was being changed from a dumping ground of stuff to a new use - so it was a good idea.

I read through them - found them uniformly negative despite me getting good exam results. There would be a good exam mark then a really low effort mark and some neutral and then negative comments.

I was badly bullied and was later diagnosed with dyslexia - but even so reading through the reports you'd think I was a stupid lazy person - instead of the child who got second best GCSE marks in the entire school.

I thought about it and decided I didn't need such negativity about me hanging round - and chucked them. TBH I did find them a bit upsetting to read.

My DC haven't always found school easy already - but we've found enough ways of dealing with that without using old school reports. Plus both DH and I and our parents have stories about low expectations being proved wrong that are trotted out to our DC on occasions.

My parents have done this over the years - found things and asked or just brought over stuff. I wasn't offended - but then they kept all the Christmas home made decorations we made. I also like getting my baby book given when pg with first - that was nice.

I think the difference is my parents have employed a bit of tact - it's less here have this stuff we no longer want and more oh look what we found though it would be of interest.

So I think YANBU.

nocoolnamesleft · 10/01/2015 15:22

Coincidence of timing... was talking to my dm about her dm: my mum really wishes that her mum had done this. Because one of her first signs of dementia was starting to clear the house. And she binned almost all the old photos and mementos. Nothing left. Better to be able to choose what to keep.

ispyfispi · 10/01/2015 15:27

Yanbu in my opinion OP. My mil does this to dh and he finds it very hurtful. She showed him a childhood photo once and said 'who's this?' (genuine question!) he said 'uh...me' to which she replied 'you want it?'!

Romeyroo · 10/01/2015 15:29

My mum dumped everything which had been mine or I had done in my garden when I was pregnant with DS Hmm. Obviously a longer history of weird behaviour but that was kind of the last straw.

I am putting DC stuff in folders; I don't keep everything but it adds up.

BingBong36 · 10/01/2015 15:31

My mum did the same thing, I did not find it hurtful but assumed she was just wanting a clear out and that I would like to see them!

yABU

blueshoes · 10/01/2015 15:35

I think the fact you are not a parent might explain your perspective. As parents, we all know most of this stuff is tat. It is sweet for a moment, then it becomes a storage issue. I would love to throw it all away but for the fact that I think my children might be interested to see what they did when their own dcs are at that age for comparison. I therefore sort and keep the best of it for the sole purpose of handing them over to my dcs when they have children of their own, when it is interesting to them.

But for that, I would throw it away in the name of decluttering, Maybe your mother did not declutter when you were little but is just doing it now. Did you have a lot of siblings? How old are you? I imagine you can keep all this only if there aren't many children otherwise it gets unwieldy pretty quickly.

christmaspies · 10/01/2015 15:39

Dazzled thanks for you comments. I ve got no plans to hand over anything to my dos at the moment so have plenty of time to think how to handle it. I think I'l continue to talk to him about how well he's done and have separate conversations about how potential isn't always recognised in schools and elsewhere. Some school reports were better than others so I might just 'lose' the worst ones. The main criticisms were his lack of effort and the fact that he didn't contribute enough in class actuall he's still quiet but that hasn't really held him back
(Sorry if I've high jacked the thread a bit)
My own dos hardly kep any of my childhood stuff. I would have loved to have some of it just as a reminder of what I was like and what I did. I think most people have a hankering to know about their past as they get older

MonstrousPippin · 10/01/2015 15:39

Op, I can definitely see what you mean so I think YANBU. It depends if it was things you always intended for her. When I was at school I made and drew things with my mother in mind as gifts. I made a vase in pottery class for her and a necklace in jewellery club etc. I'd find it quite upsetting if she tried to give those things back to me as if they were mine all along. Just because you were young doesn't mean it wasn't a gift. Re. photos, my mum has kept them all except the "whole school" ones which are obviously more interesting for me. If they are photos that have always been displayed then I suppose it would feel like she doesn't want to look at them any more so I'd feel a bit rejected but if it was stuff that's been sitting in the loft then it's not worth getting upset about.

gotthemoononastick · 10/01/2015 15:41

Many of we older ones wake up with palpitations at night!

The ghastly spectre is a huge skip on a pavement somewhere filled with our lives!

We need to pass on the baton!

Be kind...'the times they are a changing'.

thegreylady · 10/01/2015 15:45

Oh gosh I was about to give dd some of her school books from infants because her own dc are that age now. I suppose I could leave them in the loft till I die.
Many people love their dc as much as I love mine but I bet no one loves them more.

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