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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think friend is trying to sabotage my diet!

33 replies

WendyBloomers · 10/01/2015 12:15

I've been going to the gym and eating healthily since around June last year, and so far I've lost about 2.5 stone so I'm quite chuffed!

I was pretty addicted to chocolate, biscuits and the like before I started so the best thing for me to do is to go cold turkey on it all, I don't really miss it too much when I'm into it but I do get a craving now and again.

The problem is one of my closest friends is forever offering me this, that or the other saying 'go on, it won't hurt you!' I know it wouldn't hurt but the point is I'm being disciplined and abstaining! It's really annoying me, she's quite snarky sometimes too, for example if she wants to meet up for food I'd rather go somewhere with a wider ranged menu so I can pick something not too unhealthy but she'll always insist on going for a Chinese or Indian instead and eye roll if I say I'd rather not!

I guess it might sound quite petty but it's starting to really get on my nerves, and just to be clear I never bang on about my diet or gym routine or whatever as I can imagine it's pretty boring to listen to.

Come to think of it she hasn't actually once said I look like I've lost a bit of weight which does seen strange as it's not as if we're not close friends and I'd be offended!

I've always been the chubby one of the group and I'm starting to think maybe she doesn't want me to lose any more weight as we're more or less the same size now, and all the snarky comments and suggestions of meeting up in dieters nightmare locations (last month she suggested we go to an ice cream parlour- but she didn't want an ice cream!) is starting to seem like a deliberate act of sabotage! I haven't mentioned this to anyone in RL just on case I am indeed the unreasonable one..

OP posts:

CaptainAnkles · 10/01/2015 12:19

She's happy with your place in the group as 'the chubbier one' and doesn't want to be moved into that position by you becoming slimmer than she is. Her self esteem is probably rooted in 'well, at least X is bigger than me / the same size as me.'
She also probably likes the option of having junk food and wants a companion whilst eating it so doesn't want you to change because she might have to as well.

ZenNudist · 10/01/2015 12:20

Just stick to your guns.shes not much of a friend of she can't respect you wanting to make healthy choices.

Actually now you've got her on the ropes you could use her attitude to your advantage to 'thinspire' you to further slimness. Make her sick !

DoItTooJulia · 10/01/2015 12:24

It's either that or she's specatularly selfish, only ever wanting to go where she wants to go.

I think the best policy here is explain in an assertive way that she's being unhelpful. That your diet is important and it would be great if she could be supportive in her choices when suggesting places to eat out.

Otherwise avoid her at mealtimes! Suggest meeting after lunch. Or ditch her altogether, she doesn't sound like a great friend tbh!

honeysucklejasmine · 10/01/2015 12:26

Wow, what a meanie. Agree that she might feel wrong-footed by your changing appearance.

But really, if she can't be happy for you... Is she worth it?

skinnyamericano · 10/01/2015 12:26

She's jealous. Was your relationship based on coffee and cake before? I have a friend like this and if either of us are dieting, it is really hard!

You are doing brilliantly though, so don't let her stop you with her issues.

SunnyBaudelaire · 10/01/2015 12:28

I dont know but there are some really strange women about - at school I had one 'friend' who only hung about with me cos I would make her look slim.
Just do not eat out with her!

HappenstanceMarmite · 10/01/2015 12:32

Agree with pp. You are upsetting the established group dynamic with your selfish success! I had a "friend" like this...

Does anyone remember that episode of King of Queens where the usually overweight Doug loses a lot of weight/gets fit? His wife Carrie is very threatened (she was always "the hot one") and sets about sabotaging him. Yes it's a fictional programme, but it quite accurately portrays what often occurs when one person seeks to improve themselves, thereby disrupting the imposed 'pecking order'.

Well done you. Do not let others ruin it for you

claraschu · 10/01/2015 12:32

I just want to say that Chinese and Indian food can be very healthy: steamed rice with vegetables or dhal. There is some oil, but that is not necessarily bad.

A lot of people want other people to share their bad habits, so they don't have to feel guilty. It is very selfish.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 10/01/2015 12:33

I agree she's being made to feel insecure by your success, and she's quite happy to keep you looking chubbier than her, but you shouldn't always insist on being the one to choose the restaurant based on your fears and preferences either. Go to the Chinese or the Indian occasionally, even if it means you'll have to be a bit more disciplined when you are there. Otherwise you'll just get a reputation for being obsessive and controlling and a killjoy.

SunnyBaudelaire · 10/01/2015 12:35

btw well done on your weight loss.

If I go to a Chinese restaurant, I ask for mixed roast meat and rice, with no sauce. This is not a fattening choice!

Original poster

WendyBloomers · 10/01/2015 12:36

Thanks for the replies everyone!

We do still go for coffee every week like always, but suggestions of where we meet up are so much more food based now- she never just invites me over to hers for a chat anymore.

Zen you're completely right, I do think of her snarky comments when I'm at the gym as inspiration to keep me going! Apparently as she so kindly asserted everybody who loses weight puts it back on and more...so I've got a point to prove!

Cake anyone? It won't hurt you!

OP posts:

wobblebobblehat · 10/01/2015 12:40

Sounds very mean and not much of a friend.

If she persisted I wouldn't bother eating out with her. Opt for the easy life...

FightOrFlight · 10/01/2015 12:40

If she said to me "it won't hurt you" I'd reply that I am fully aware of that but fortunately I have enough discipline to resist it. Alternatively I'd say that since losing all that weight my food tastes have changed and sweet/fatty things give me the boak.

Agree that she is worried about being seen as the bigger lass in the group.

thegreylady · 10/01/2015 12:46

Go Chinese and opt for chicken in black bean sauce with boiled rice. That is approved by Slimming World :)

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/01/2015 12:47

Wow OP I think you need to lose 9 more stone, permanently. As in your "friend". What an unhelpful, unkind, vindictive woman.

specialsubject · 10/01/2015 12:52

plenty of good choices in Chinese and Indian restaurants.

I agree - lose this boring 'friend'.

BabyOnBoob · 10/01/2015 12:59

I think she's jealous OP. Someone at work did this to me. She tried getting into better shape but found it too hard so gave up. My salads and healthy food were ridiculed and made fun of daily.

Keep going, you're doing brilliantly

formerbabe · 10/01/2015 13:03

I have known loads of women like this. Most people don't want others to look better than them so its in their interest to keep you from losing weight. Ignore.

VivienneRuns · 10/01/2015 13:09

She's not a real friend, she's sabotaging you to keep you in your place. I'd cut her out, changing your lifestyle and mentality is hard enough without selfish people trying to drag you back to square one.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 10/01/2015 13:11

When she says 'it won't hurt you' you should just look her straight in the eye and say 'Actually, it will. I prefer being slimmer, thanks.' And just close it down.

gaggiagirl · 10/01/2015 13:16

A friend of mine constantly tells me 'you don't need to lose weight' 'a biscuit cant harm your figure' 'just have chips' stuff like that. Well I do need to lose weight, a biscuit is not a great idea and I cant just have chips.
Its hard to describe but there is a look of pure glee in her eyes if I ever talk about eating pizza or failing to work out.

ChickenMe · 10/01/2015 13:19

Well done, that's a great result.

What have you been doing at the gym (interested)? What eating plan have you been following

Btw I had the exact same experience with an ex-friend. I was never the fat one but I was average. I got really into fitness and Paleo/Primal. Ended up very slim indeed (size 6). All my friends were like wow, envy, admire your discipline etc. None sabotaged-they wanted tips!! Ex-friend was the only person who never once complimented me on what was a considerable effort and what took a lot of discipline. I was really fit-it wasn't just about being thin as I was training for a specific physical test to do with my job which traditionally many women have struggled with. She got mad with me and accused me of being like a religious zealot. She tried to force feed me and accused me of having an eating disorder. Btw she was and still is fat.

Her "anti" ness kept me going and pushed me further.

Original poster

WendyBloomers · 10/01/2015 13:56

Thanks for the advice on healthy Chinese options, I don't mind going now and again for birthdays and the sort so I'll have to stay away from anything that starts with crispy and go for the rice chicken and blackbean sauce!

Chicken I've been using myfitnesspal to help keep the calories under control and have been eating clean for as much as I can.

In June to October I did straight cardio which did help with the weight loss but I've seen much better results when I started doing strength training. Time seems to go much faster at the gym when I'm going from machine to machine or squat to lunges and whatever so it doesn't seem as much as a chore than doing a straight hour on the cross trainer! I do 10 minutes of interval training on the treadmill to finish each session too

OP posts:

ALittleFaith · 10/01/2015 14:23

She doesn't sound very nice! I lost a friend when she lost loads of weight. We were both overweight (her more than me) and I have to admit I was intimidated by her discipline as she started to lose weight and get thinner than me! I never so sabotaged her though. We drifted apart because she was very different - not bubbly like before she lost the weight - but also she wasn't there for me when I really needed her...
I would seriously review your relationship with this woman. I don't think she has your best interests at heart.
Curry wise your healthiest option is tikka meat with salad :)

ChickenMe · 10/01/2015 15:03

Yes strength training is fab and bloody addictive.
Have you got into coconut oil yet?
Marks Daily Apple is a good site for the food.
I think just press on, you don't need to debate with your friend. Frame it as being about health and enjoyment rather than weight loss. Your discipline is admirable.
I'm hungry now you mention food.

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