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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so sick of being the only one who complains

89 replies

sliceofsoup · 08/01/2015 17:24

DH is all big talk when we are in the house (I tune out mostly) but as soon as he is out and about he turns into "mister nice guy" and its really pissing me off.

Tonight he wanted to get a chippy for tea so we stopped off on the way home from his work. Get home and realise that even though he ordered chicken goujons (for me) they have given us chicken nuggets which are obviously cheaper, and rank. So we have been charged goujons prices for cheap crap I could have got in Iceland.

His meal is fine, so he says with a big sigh do you want me to go back. By which time his will be cold so I can hardly send him back, and as it wasnt me that ordered it I dont want to go back. I am pissed off. Even if he lifted the phone and complained I would feel like he actually cares, and if it was his meal he wouldnt have asked me should he go back he just would have. So they are all enjoying their dinner while I am not. At all. Its going in the bin.

Its not just this. In restaurants if we have bad service, or in shops, he will just wait until I say something even though hes pissed off too and is telling me so.

It just feels like he never sticks up for me.

I have been in a shitty mood today so maybe thats making me overreact.

OP posts:

revealall · 08/01/2015 19:41

I agree with the Op. If you take an order on behalf of someone else then get it right.
If it isn't right try and do something about it and/or accept you got it wrong and they will be pissed off
I did this with a chippy order and put vinegar on one of them despite him not saying that he wanted his without.

At least the Op binned hers. Mine just sat there looking mardy, slowly eating them with bad grace.

And he was the same. Whatever he did that he cocked up would end up being sorted by me. He was quite happy to moan but not up to sorting it out.

TheWitTank · 08/01/2015 19:42

Actually it would have pissed me off as your OH if you just ignored my question about returning for the goujons and I also would have sat down to eat if you hadn't given me an answer. Can't stand martyrdom. Just answer yes or no! If you would rather he have gone then you should have said yes and put his dinner in the oven. It's sulky and childish not to reply.

KatieKaye · 08/01/2015 19:44

TBH, it sounds as if you were the one indulging in the martyrdom.

Why didn't you go back and change your tea?

It makes no sense to expect him to go back just because he was the person who placed the order. You were the one who didn't get what you wanted - so go back and change it and let the man eat his tea while it's still hot.

Original poster

sliceofsoup · 08/01/2015 19:48

I didn't answer because he wasn't really wanting an answer, he asked in the middle of a rant about how hes sure he ordered correctly.

And me going back and changing my tea is just what I was fucking expected to do. As usual. Leave it to me. I will sort it all out.

OP posts:

ToyStory3 · 08/01/2015 19:51

In this situation, it made the most sense for you to go back though...

Though it is clear that this really isn't about chicken goujons

FreeWee · 08/01/2015 19:55

Are we married to the same man sliceofsoup?

I've had this similar argument with DH on numerous occasions! Because I'm the assertive one I'll get things sorted but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish he'd grow a pair and sort my or our problem out himself. Your big sigh comment echoed round my head as I can hear my DH's exact one. He loves a good moan and then does jack shit about it! Drives me nuts! I moan and then I get off my arse and fix it or make sure it doesn't happen again. He's such a frigging martyr. I feel your pain and I don't care what anyone says YADNBU!

KatieKaye · 08/01/2015 20:09

The shop got the order wrong. that happens. Of course it wasn't his fault - it would be daft to blame him or to expect him to go back and change it. It sounds as if there was a real atmosphere over a simple (but annoying) mistake by the shop that really pissed you off and DH felt he was being blamed for something outwith his control.

Why wouldn't you be expected to go and sort out something that only affects you?

That's a genuine question, because it seems so totally unreasonable to expect him to leave his tea to get cold/dry out in the oven, to go back to the shop, while you sit at home. You are the person who is affected, so why do you want to "spread" the inconvenience onto your DH?

angeltulips · 08/01/2015 20:20

Yabu for ordering chicken goujons from a chippy. Rank.

Original poster

sliceofsoup · 08/01/2015 20:44

Why wouldn't you be expected to go and sort out something that only affects you?

Thats actually a really good question and one I will ask DH 200 times a week when I am sorting out all his shit that doesn't affect me.

We are married, we are in a partnership. I put myself out for him on a daily basis, sometimes because I want to, and sometimes because he expects me to. Why shouldn't I expect that back?

OP posts:

KatieKaye · 08/01/2015 21:09

I think that is the real issue.
Expectation.

Why did you expect your DH to sort out your tea instead of doing it yourself? It's not fair to expect him to leave his tea while you just sit at home. It was a mistake, he didn't do it on purpose so why try to punish him?

Would I work towards a partnership where we both expected to pull our weight? Yes.

Would I expect the unreasonable (which for me would be the case of DH having to leave his tea because you didn't want to eat the wrong order). Definitely not. It's just mad. It comes across that you consider yourself and your needs to be more important and worth really putting your DH out, just so you can feel superior because he's gone to sort it out when there is no reason for you not to do it yourself. And I wouldn't ask for it or create an atmosphere about it either.

And yes, I appreciate it can be a small thing that makes you realise that you are really unhappy, but beyond saying that you have to nag your husband and that he doesn't complain in restaurants (I'm not sure why you can't if you are both there) you haven't said why you are so fed up with him.

Sometimes you have to chose your battles and chicken nuggets wouldn't figure on my radar.

Original poster

sliceofsoup · 08/01/2015 21:27

Did you read any of my posts Katie?

Because if you did and you still come to the conclusion that I think I am more important than him then we really don't read from the same page.

And no, I would not walk back into a shop where I did not place the order, to complain. That just seems really weird. He ordered so they gave him the wrong food, regardless of who was going to be eating it. If it was his meal that was wrong, or the DCs, he would have gone. But when its mine I am just expected to sort it myself because thats what I do. I sort everything.

I have spent my life choosing my battles with one dickhead or another. This wasn't about the fucking nuggets.

OP posts:

weeblueberry · 08/01/2015 21:32

To be honest it doesn't sound like he doesn't complain because he's 'too nice' or 'can't be bothered' or is trying to piss you off. It just sounds like stuff generally doesn't bother him as much as it does you and so he shrugs it off and doesn't see the point in getting upset about it. If he doesn't see the need to complain, he won't complain...

willowisp · 08/01/2015 21:39

YANBU & I completely get where you are coming from. Yes you could complain, but so can DH. It's not terribly manly to leave this sort of stuff to the women all the time.

I say to my DH, so you'd rather inconvenience me than other people ? That normally does the job

KatieKaye · 08/01/2015 21:41

Yes, I did read them and did come to my conclusions based on what you wrote: that you were unhappy at a mistake and expected him to stop eating his tea and go back to the shop while you stayed at home.
And I thought that was very unfair and unreasonable.
Again I ask: why didn't you go yourself? Your reasoning that you didn't order it just doesn't make sense. It's totally illogical. You have a receipt therefore you go back with the item whether or not you purchased the item.

It was you that was affected and who placed the order is totally irrelevant. You didn't want to eat eat it (so much so that you fed it to the dog which really was passive aggressive and virtually guaranteed to hack people off), but you couldn't be bothered to actually change it yourself. It comes across that what you wanted was to inconvenience DH as much as possible. And that he should have been delighted to do it.

Permanentlyexhausted · 08/01/2015 21:45

Oh good grief! I've entered some sort of parallel universe where it is still the 1950s and the little women sit at home and need their big strong man to go and complain on their behalf because they too sodding pathetic to do it themselves.

Original poster

sliceofsoup · 08/01/2015 21:49

The dog eats scraps. Nothing PA about it. If I hadn't given them to the dog DH would have.

He had the card slip but not an itemised receipt. It seems illogical to me to go and complain about something I had no part in. So we will have to agree to disagree on that.

And when in restaurants/ shops, he tells me its been a ridiculous wait or the foods cold or just whatever is bad about the service. I usually agree so I have to complain, but I can't think of a single time where I have complained and he hasn't been complaining to me beforehand. If it was only me that was annoyed then I wouldn't care that he doesn't complain. But tonight he was the one who placed the order and watched them pack it and walked out with it, so this time it should be on him to complain when that order is wrong.

OP posts:

MooMaid · 08/01/2015 21:50

I think people are being a little harsh - it more sounds like OP is having bad day and at the end of her tether. The drip feed comment was pathetic too.

Yes OP you could've taken your own dinner back and not (potentially) been a martyr about it but sometimes it's nice to feel like you're being looked after...

maybe OP is just cheesed off today....?

CinnabarRed · 08/01/2015 21:52

Could you perhaps give us another example? Because I too am struggling with the goujons/nuggets thing, and I suspect it's not helping you make your case.

Also, are you a SAHM?

Original poster

sliceofsoup · 08/01/2015 21:52

ODFOD.

I am not some liitle housewife. If only!! I do all the phone calls, the budgeting, I sort out the car repairs (even though he is a qualified mechanic though not working in that field currently). I do DIY. I don't need a man to look after me. Never have done.

But yes, I am a pathetic woman who is such hard work. Poor fucking DH.

Jesus.

OP posts:

KatieKaye · 08/01/2015 21:57

I thought that too, Permanently.

A strange world where men are manly and complain on behalf of women and it is impossible to return an item because you didn't place the order yourself.

It's like last century never happened.

And giving the dog your chicken nuggets is not giving him "scraps". Scraps are the remnants of a meal, not the main part of the meal. It was totally PA.

Permanentlyexhausted · 08/01/2015 21:58

Actually, my comment was aimed at Happyyoni and Willowisp. You didn't feature at all. But if the cap fits sweetie, you go right ahead and put it on. You seem very keen to have it!

Redhead11 · 08/01/2015 22:02

Honestly, if he annoys you that much, why are you still with him? It comes across as though you are so fed up of him that he couldn't win whatever he did. If you don't want to 'sort out his shit' then don't do it. Either do it cheerfully or don't do it at all. you definitely are chasing martyrdom here. Why should he leave his meal to complain that your's isn't what you ordered? And the whole thing was not right - i don't think it would have been right whatever would have happened. You appear to be in that kind of mood. I bet the atmosphere in your house is charming tonight. YABU.

SaltyandSweet · 08/01/2015 22:02

It might be well too late given the weird responses you've received OP, but for what it's worth, I totally get it. It is very hard to always be the one to look after everyone (DH, kids, animals, parents, animals ..) and to feel like you have to actively ASK for some basic consideration. It's like you have made sure everything is running smoothly for everyone else and when there is a hitch with something really basic for you no one even notices enough to help out without being asked. The point is to do it to help out right?

I was in your situation and, not being good at confrontation and liking to avoid a row, I swallowed my resentment a lot. When it all eventually came out it turned out my DH was flabbergasted at the extent of what I was feeling. After some plain speaking about it, he's made more of an effort to help out with me and notice my needs like I notice his needs - what he used to do before the DC. And while we still have bumps here and there, the very fact that the topic has been laid open and picked apart means we are more open and more comfortable in talking about it. I would wait till the initial irritation from tonight has receded a bit then broach the conversation without blame (e.g. not "You never ..."). It'll be hard but it's worth it.

Original poster

sliceofsoup · 08/01/2015 22:03

Yes I am a SAHM because that was the decision that we reached together. I got a job in the summer when he was out of work and we were trying to get a business off the ground, so effectively he was a SAHD and I still did all the things I do now. Like I say, he does do stuff. But he does nothing unprompted. And then he got the job that he has now which was better money than I was making, and childcare was impossible between our hours, so I left after a month so he could work. But apparently I should be very grateful to him because he works.

If I left him to his own devices he would sit on the sofa. All day. Seriously.

This is painting him in a bad light. Day to day it doesn't annoy me that much, but today, even before the nuggets it was pissing me off.

Another example, we were in a restaurant and it was taking ages, 45 mins had passed since we had placed our order, and tables that had came in after us were being served. The DCs were getting restless and he was pissed off. Sighing and shifting around in his seat. Muttering under his breath and then telling me how ridiculous it was. I was annoyed too but we were all chatting and I was colouring with the DCs. I said that he should catch the waitresses eye and ask where our food was, as I had my back to the restaurant, and he sat on and sat on until it gone to over an hour since we ordered and I had to get up and go get the waitress.

OP posts:

FestiveChopinLizt · 08/01/2015 22:06

The first line of the op suggests that her dh's behaviour is different in and out of the house. He is nicer to other people than he is to her. I agree that would feel frustrating and demeaning.

It's not about who's doing the complaining (as the misleading title suggests) it's about a lack of emotional engagement from her dh.

What are his good points, op?

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