to be so sick of being the only one who complains

[sliceofsoup]

DH is all big talk when we are in the house (I tune out mostly) but as soon as he is out and about he turns into "mister nice guy" and its really pissing me off.

Tonight he wanted to get a chippy for tea so we stopped off on the way home from his work. Get home and realise that even though he ordered chicken goujons (for me) they have given us chicken nuggets which are obviously cheaper, and rank. So we have been charged goujons prices for cheap crap I could have got in Iceland.

His meal is fine, so he says with a big sigh do you want me to go back. By which time his will be cold so I can hardly send him back, and as it wasnt me that ordered it I dont want to go back. I am pissed off. Even if he lifted the phone and complained I would feel like he actually cares, and if it was his meal he wouldnt have asked me should he go back he just would have. So they are all enjoying their dinner while I am not. At all. Its going in the bin.

Its not just this. In restaurants if we have bad service, or in shops, he will just wait until I say something even though hes pissed off too and is telling me so.

It just feels like he never sticks up for me.

I have been in a shitty mood today so maybe thats making me overreact.

[FestiveChopinLizt]

Cross posts

So it does seems to be about who's complaining..

[willowisp]

Oh NO permenantlyexhausted I am absolutely not some little women that needs looking after. I've got bigger balls than most men

As I said, I feel you're frustration OP.

The fact of the matter is that the majority of men don't like confrontation. My DH would rather eat his own hair than complain. If I complain on his behalf, I think it makes him & likewise, your DH's/DP's, look like wimps. I have no respect for wimps.

[KatieKaye]

Do you not think that a man complaining on behalf of a woman (over small matters like chicken nuggets) can be demeaning and can make her look ineffective and incapable, willow? Many women prefer to sort things out themselves.

IMO most people don't enjoy confrontation. It's not a sexist issue at all. If yOu don't like something, then you do something about it, rather than expect someone a man to do it on your behalf simply because he has a penis.

[sliceofsoup]

Generally he is nice. He does do loads to help, hes good with the DCs. He does listen to me, so if I go to him tomorrow and tell him how this all makes me feel he will take it on board. He will even try to change. But in a few weeks he will be back to the same.

Other than that, we are into the same things, I trust him (which says a lot) and when I had PND he absolutely stepped up. I still had to remind him that washing needed done and bills needed paid, but day to day he was there for me and helped me through it.

And the thing is, the atmosphere in our house tonight is fine. He was being a martyr and so was I but there really was no passive aggression. I gave it to the dog because it wasn't going to get eaten, and uneaten food goes to the dog. It really was that simple. We very rarely row. It does annoy me so much that he needs to be told everything, step by step, but I am not sure he actually knows that that isn't normal. He is a bit hapless, I don't think he is doing it on purpose IYSWIM.

Its just so bloody frustrating to have to remind a grown man that yes the dishwasher does need emptied, or maybe you should put a wash on. He doesn't mind doing it, rarely moans, but why can't he see it needs done?

[sliceofsoup]

But he placed the order Katie.

This isn't about who has a penis. He placed an order that came back wrong, therefore it is his complaint to make. The person in the shop had no idea if the person eating that meal had a penis or a vagina.

[Permanentlyexhausted]

I totally agree KatieKaye.

DH and I just get on and sort out what needs sorting out. If I need to complain about something, I do, and vice versa for DH. And if I'm dealing with something, he doesn't look like a wimp and nor does he look less manly. And quite frankly, wtf would it matter if he did? Neither of us need approval or admiration from others to validate us.

[KatieKaye]

It matters not one jot who placed the order - except to you. It's totally irrelevant. The shop won't care and DH doesn't care. Nobody here has agreed that the person pacing the order has to be the one to change it. You do know that people go back to shops all the time and change goods for family and friends, don't you? and that nobody bats an eye as long as they have the receipt. It is 100% normal.


It just doesn't make any sort of sense. It was your meal that was wrong and you wanted it changed, but you didn't want to go back out and do it yourself sounds more like the truth. DH had no complaint - you did. Therefore you, and only you are the person to go back and ask for the correct order. Not complain over the phone, because obviously that would achieve nothing and just be a waste of time.

It is your meal therefore it is your responsibility to do something about it or just to accept that a mistake was made and make the best of things.

the problem in this instance is not your DH but the strange insistence that only the person placing the order can change it. real life doesn't work like that.

[sliceofsoup]

Aye ok.

[DodgedAnAsbo]

ChavA complains that partner ChavB will not whine about something that only ChavA can see a problem with

[TheHermitCrab]

I had the same thing last night OP. We ordered takeaway, they forgot my desert. It was only 99p but I had my heart set on it. OH ordered it and paid, so he was like "bastards! they can come back and bring the dessert!"...etc I say "noo it's fine its only a quid they won't bother moving for that" He says "They bloody will it's their mistake, I don't pay for nothing" so I give in and say ok complain.. and he hands me the phone to do it! "you're better at negotiating" Hang on, I thought it was non negotiable, now I have to do the talking?

I got my desert in the end (I complained), and he was all smug that he was right of course.. but he wouldn't have dared complain to them himself, only to me :)

so he says with a big sigh do you want me to go back

[Bulbasaur]

TheHermitCrab DH does the same thing except he calls and complains, and makes the driver come back out over a tiny desert or side. Though he is normally polite about it. Sometimes it's a little embarrassing if it's just a tiny thing at a restaurant that genuinely doesn't bug me, there's not much else I can do but awkwardly smile and say thank you when they fix it.

That said, one time DH got frustrated because a place was refusing an order over a flimsy reason. Nothing personal against him just a "new policy". He hung up on them all upset and wound up. I called back, spoke to the manager and got our order placed and the person that showed up was relieved I answered the door and not stroppy DH. So, I do have his back also and often feel like we're playing good cop, bad cop. Not just a one way street.

Anyway OP, I would have made DH go back and I have done so in the past. He should have checked it before he even drove off. Now we write things down and check it next to the itemized receipt when doing take out/pick ups.

[2rebecca]

Normally in chippies don't people actually watch what is being selected and wrapped? I do as fish is often fried specially for you and all items are wrapped in front of you with "salt or sauce" (Scotland) asked per supper. I wouldn't go back and complain if my husband or I got the wrong thing from a chippy as I'd feel it was partly our fault for not saying when they selected the wrong thing and wrapped it in front of us. Different if you ordered over the phone and arrived to pick it up prewrapped. If I was returning it then the person whose meal it is should return it so the others can eat. Sounds like a crap chippy if the chips are inedible though.

[Moniker1]

But apparently I should be very grateful to him because he works

Think the bottom line is that you are fed up being an unappreciated SAHM whilst DH considers himself a hard working dutiful DH who deserves respect and appreciation from you (and free time due to his job).

The way to change is maybe you stop doing everything at home because you are studying/ doing voluntary work (possibly with a view to getting a job later) / looking for work / working part time.

Or just get firm and insist he helps after work. Ask him what he is wants to do to help rather than telling him what you want him to do.

Not unreasonable that you both sit down at the same time in the evening.

[TheChandler]

YANBU OP. An overly timid DH outside the house who is all mouth in it is nobody's friend.