to be so sick of being the only one who complains

[sliceofsoup]

DH is all big talk when we are in the house (I tune out mostly) but as soon as he is out and about he turns into "mister nice guy" and its really pissing me off.

Tonight he wanted to get a chippy for tea so we stopped off on the way home from his work. Get home and realise that even though he ordered chicken goujons (for me) they have given us chicken nuggets which are obviously cheaper, and rank. So we have been charged goujons prices for cheap crap I could have got in Iceland.

His meal is fine, so he says with a big sigh do you want me to go back. By which time his will be cold so I can hardly send him back, and as it wasnt me that ordered it I dont want to go back. I am pissed off. Even if he lifted the phone and complained I would feel like he actually cares, and if it was his meal he wouldnt have asked me should he go back he just would have. So they are all enjoying their dinner while I am not. At all. Its going in the bin.

Its not just this. In restaurants if we have bad service, or in shops, he will just wait until I say something even though hes pissed off too and is telling me so.

It just feels like he never sticks up for me.

I have been in a shitty mood today so maybe thats making me overreact.

[TheChandler]

YANBU OP. An overly timid DH outside the house who is all mouth in it is nobody's friend.

[Moniker1]

But apparently I should be very grateful to him because he works

Think the bottom line is that you are fed up being an unappreciated SAHM whilst DH considers himself a hard working dutiful DH who deserves respect and appreciation from you (and free time due to his job).

The way to change is maybe you stop doing everything at home because you are studying/ doing voluntary work (possibly with a view to getting a job later) / looking for work / working part time.

Or just get firm and insist he helps after work. Ask him what he is wants to do to help rather than telling him what you want him to do.

Not unreasonable that you both sit down at the same time in the evening.

[2rebecca]

Normally in chippies don't people actually watch what is being selected and wrapped? I do as fish is often fried specially for you and all items are wrapped in front of you with "salt or sauce" (Scotland) asked per supper. I wouldn't go back and complain if my husband or I got the wrong thing from a chippy as I'd feel it was partly our fault for not saying when they selected the wrong thing and wrapped it in front of us. Different if you ordered over the phone and arrived to pick it up prewrapped. If I was returning it then the person whose meal it is should return it so the others can eat. Sounds like a crap chippy if the chips are inedible though.

[Bulbasaur]

TheHermitCrab DH does the same thing except he calls and complains, and makes the driver come back out over a tiny desert or side. Though he is normally polite about it. Sometimes it's a little embarrassing if it's just a tiny thing at a restaurant that genuinely doesn't bug me, there's not much else I can do but awkwardly smile and say thank you when they fix it.

That said, one time DH got frustrated because a place was refusing an order over a flimsy reason. Nothing personal against him just a "new policy". He hung up on them all upset and wound up. I called back, spoke to the manager and got our order placed and the person that showed up was relieved I answered the door and not stroppy DH. So, I do have his back also and often feel like we're playing good cop, bad cop. Not just a one way street.

Anyway OP, I would have made DH go back and I have done so in the past. He should have checked it before he even drove off. Now we write things down and check it next to the itemized receipt when doing take out/pick ups.

[TheHermitCrab]

I had the same thing last night OP. We ordered takeaway, they forgot my desert. It was only 99p but I had my heart set on it. OH ordered it and paid, so he was like "bastards! they can come back and bring the dessert!"...etc I say "noo it's fine its only a quid they won't bother moving for that" He says "They bloody will it's their mistake, I don't pay for nothing" so I give in and say ok complain.. and he hands me the phone to do it! "you're better at negotiating" Hang on, I thought it was non negotiable, now I have to do the talking?

I got my desert in the end (I complained), and he was all smug that he was right of course.. but he wouldn't have dared complain to them himself, only to me :)

so he says with a big sigh do you want me to go back

[DodgedAnAsbo]

ChavA complains that partner ChavB will not whine about something that only ChavA can see a problem with

[sliceofsoup]

Aye ok.

[KatieKaye]

It matters not one jot who placed the order - except to you. It's totally irrelevant. The shop won't care and DH doesn't care. Nobody here has agreed that the person pacing the order has to be the one to change it. You do know that people go back to shops all the time and change goods for family and friends, don't you? and that nobody bats an eye as long as they have the receipt. It is 100% normal.


It just doesn't make any sort of sense. It was your meal that was wrong and you wanted it changed, but you didn't want to go back out and do it yourself sounds more like the truth. DH had no complaint - you did. Therefore you, and only you are the person to go back and ask for the correct order. Not complain over the phone, because obviously that would achieve nothing and just be a waste of time.

It is your meal therefore it is your responsibility to do something about it or just to accept that a mistake was made and make the best of things.

the problem in this instance is not your DH but the strange insistence that only the person placing the order can change it. real life doesn't work like that.

[Permanentlyexhausted]

I totally agree KatieKaye.

DH and I just get on and sort out what needs sorting out. If I need to complain about something, I do, and vice versa for DH. And if I'm dealing with something, he doesn't look like a wimp and nor does he look less manly. And quite frankly, wtf would it matter if he did? Neither of us need approval or admiration from others to validate us.

[sliceofsoup]

But he placed the order Katie.

This isn't about who has a penis. He placed an order that came back wrong, therefore it is his complaint to make. The person in the shop had no idea if the person eating that meal had a penis or a vagina.

[sliceofsoup]

Generally he is nice. He does do loads to help, hes good with the DCs. He does listen to me, so if I go to him tomorrow and tell him how this all makes me feel he will take it on board. He will even try to change. But in a few weeks he will be back to the same.

Other than that, we are into the same things, I trust him (which says a lot) and when I had PND he absolutely stepped up. I still had to remind him that washing needed done and bills needed paid, but day to day he was there for me and helped me through it.

And the thing is, the atmosphere in our house tonight is fine. He was being a martyr and so was I but there really was no passive aggression. I gave it to the dog because it wasn't going to get eaten, and uneaten food goes to the dog. It really was that simple. We very rarely row. It does annoy me so much that he needs to be told everything, step by step, but I am not sure he actually knows that that isn't normal. He is a bit hapless, I don't think he is doing it on purpose IYSWIM.

Its just so bloody frustrating to have to remind a grown man that yes the dishwasher does need emptied, or maybe you should put a wash on. He doesn't mind doing it, rarely moans, but why can't he see it needs done?

[KatieKaye]

Do you not think that a man complaining on behalf of a woman (over small matters like chicken nuggets) can be demeaning and can make her look ineffective and incapable, willow? Many women prefer to sort things out themselves.

IMO most people don't enjoy confrontation. It's not a sexist issue at all. If yOu don't like something, then you do something about it, rather than expect someone a man to do it on your behalf simply because he has a penis.

[willowisp]

Oh NO permenantlyexhausted I am absolutely not some little women that needs looking after. I've got bigger balls than most men

As I said, I feel you're frustration OP.

The fact of the matter is that the majority of men don't like confrontation. My DH would rather eat his own hair than complain. If I complain on his behalf, I think it makes him & likewise, your DH's/DP's, look like wimps. I have no respect for wimps.

[FestiveChopinLizt]

Cross posts

So it does seems to be about who's complaining..

[FestiveChopinLizt]

The first line of the op suggests that her dh's behaviour is different in and out of the house. He is nicer to other people than he is to her. I agree that would feel frustrating and demeaning.

It's not about who's doing the complaining (as the misleading title suggests) it's about a lack of emotional engagement from her dh.

What are his good points, op?

[sliceofsoup]

Yes I am a SAHM because that was the decision that we reached together. I got a job in the summer when he was out of work and we were trying to get a business off the ground, so effectively he was a SAHD and I still did all the things I do now. Like I say, he does do stuff. But he does nothing unprompted. And then he got the job that he has now which was better money than I was making, and childcare was impossible between our hours, so I left after a month so he could work. But apparently I should be very grateful to him because he works.

If I left him to his own devices he would sit on the sofa. All day. Seriously.

This is painting him in a bad light. Day to day it doesn't annoy me that much, but today, even before the nuggets it was pissing me off.

Another example, we were in a restaurant and it was taking ages, 45 mins had passed since we had placed our order, and tables that had came in after us were being served. The DCs were getting restless and he was pissed off. Sighing and shifting around in his seat. Muttering under his breath and then telling me how ridiculous it was. I was annoyed too but we were all chatting and I was colouring with the DCs. I said that he should catch the waitresses eye and ask where our food was, as I had my back to the restaurant, and he sat on and sat on until it gone to over an hour since we ordered and I had to get up and go get the waitress.

[SaltyandSweet]

It might be well too late given the weird responses you've received OP, but for what it's worth, I totally get it. It is very hard to always be the one to look after everyone (DH, kids, animals, parents, animals ..) and to feel like you have to actively ASK for some basic consideration. It's like you have made sure everything is running smoothly for everyone else and when there is a hitch with something really basic for you no one even notices enough to help out without being asked. The point is to do it to help out right?

I was in your situation and, not being good at confrontation and liking to avoid a row, I swallowed my resentment a lot. When it all eventually came out it turned out my DH was flabbergasted at the extent of what I was feeling. After some plain speaking about it, he's made more of an effort to help out with me and notice my needs like I notice his needs - what he used to do before the DC. And while we still have bumps here and there, the very fact that the topic has been laid open and picked apart means we are more open and more comfortable in talking about it. I would wait till the initial irritation from tonight has receded a bit then broach the conversation without blame (e.g. not "You never ..."). It'll be hard but it's worth it.

[Redhead11]

Honestly, if he annoys you that much, why are you still with him? It comes across as though you are so fed up of him that he couldn't win whatever he did. If you don't want to 'sort out his shit' then don't do it. Either do it cheerfully or don't do it at all. you definitely are chasing martyrdom here. Why should he leave his meal to complain that your's isn't what you ordered? And the whole thing was not right - i don't think it would have been right whatever would have happened. You appear to be in that kind of mood. I bet the atmosphere in your house is charming tonight. YABU.

[Permanentlyexhausted]

Actually, my comment was aimed at Happyyoni and Willowisp. You didn't feature at all. But if the cap fits sweetie, you go right ahead and put it on. You seem very keen to have it!

[KatieKaye]

I thought that too, Permanently.

A strange world where men are manly and complain on behalf of women and it is impossible to return an item because you didn't place the order yourself.

It's like last century never happened.

And giving the dog your chicken nuggets is not giving him "scraps". Scraps are the remnants of a meal, not the main part of the meal. It was totally PA.

[sliceofsoup]

ODFOD.

I am not some liitle housewife. If only!! I do all the phone calls, the budgeting, I sort out the car repairs (even though he is a qualified mechanic though not working in that field currently). I do DIY. I don't need a man to look after me. Never have done.

But yes, I am a pathetic woman who is such hard work. Poor fucking DH.

Jesus.

[CinnabarRed]

Could you perhaps give us another example? Because I too am struggling with the goujons/nuggets thing, and I suspect it's not helping you make your case.

Also, are you a SAHM?

[MooMaid]

I think people are being a little harsh - it more sounds like OP is having bad day and at the end of her tether. The drip feed comment was pathetic too.

Yes OP you could've taken your own dinner back and not (potentially) been a martyr about it but sometimes it's nice to feel like you're being looked after...

maybe OP is just cheesed off today....?

[sliceofsoup]

The dog eats scraps. Nothing PA about it. If I hadn't given them to the dog DH would have.

He had the card slip but not an itemised receipt. It seems illogical to me to go and complain about something I had no part in. So we will have to agree to disagree on that.

And when in restaurants/ shops, he tells me its been a ridiculous wait or the foods cold or just whatever is bad about the service. I usually agree so I have to complain, but I can't think of a single time where I have complained and he hasn't been complaining to me beforehand. If it was only me that was annoyed then I wouldn't care that he doesn't complain. But tonight he was the one who placed the order and watched them pack it and walked out with it, so this time it should be on him to complain when that order is wrong.

[Permanentlyexhausted]

Oh good grief! I've entered some sort of parallel universe where it is still the 1950s and the little women sit at home and need their big strong man to go and complain on their behalf because they too sodding pathetic to do it themselves.