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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go and get my baby back now!

46 replies

blueberrypudding · 08/01/2015 11:04

Just dropped my 9mo off at nursery for the first time. (I'm not back at work yet but we're trying to let her get used to it.) When she woke up this morning she was happy and grinning and when I left her she was crying and clinging and screaming "mama". Felt awful having to leave her like that but her keyworker said it's normal for them to be a bit upset on the first day.

So now I'm sat in my living room crying and wanting to rush back and pick her up immediately, when I should really be relishing the first bit of non-baby time I've had in nine months. Am I being a total velcro-mum or is being this upset about it normal?

OP posts:
MrsTawdry · 08/01/2015 11:05

Flowers when do you start work? It is a normal reaction for you....when are you meant to get her?

Toizzy · 08/01/2015 11:06

Totally normal I think! i felt the same when ds started nursery about 2 months ago and he was older (16 months)
How long is it for today?

Icimoi · 08/01/2015 11:06

Pretty normal. But it is true that the baby's initial upset wears off very quickly.

Faffyduck · 08/01/2015 11:08

It's completely normal to feel that way. DS is 2 and starting tomorrow, I shall feel exactly the same... He on the other hand after a little upset to begin will be fine.

Maybe you could call them and ask how she is doing? Might reassure you, I expect she's calmed now.

wishmiplass · 08/01/2015 11:08

Hi blue. All normal reactions for both you and your 9mo. It will get easier I'm sure. Hope you can wind down a little. xx

Showy · 08/01/2015 11:08

Oh it depend on so many factors. How long until you go back to work? Have you taken your dd there before? Can you have some shorter settling in sessions with you there? When do you collect? Would you prefer a childminder?

I couldn't have done it but thousands do and it's your choice of how you do it and you should work with the nursery to make it as easy as possible. Have you telephoned to see how she is now?

fluffymouse · 08/01/2015 11:10

How long until you are going back to work? If it is shortly and this is just settling in I would continue, but if you are not going back for some time I would postpone nursery as 9 months is tiny. Totally normal reaction though.

Theboodythatrocked · 08/01/2015 11:10

As a cm I would send you pictures of your child happily playing to reassure you.

Can't your nursery so that?

And you do know its far harder on mums than the children this working malarkey! Wink

loudarts · 08/01/2015 11:11

Call them they will be used to parents worrying on the firstday. When ds1 started he screamed at drop off time every day for the first 2 weeks, I called the nursery when I got home to check he had settled down and every day he was fine within minutes of me leaving.

Reekypear · 08/01/2015 11:12

Personally I always listen to my gut instinct.

Original poster
blueberrypudding · 08/01/2015 11:13

I start work in a couple of weeks but as she's only there once a week we thought we'd start her early so she gets a few full sessions in while I'm still available to come get her if she panics.

We're paying for full days so I'm really meant to go get her around 5 or 6, but I might just nip in at 4 instead. That should be giving her enough time to get used to everyone, right? We had a shorter settling in session yesterday and she was fine when I left but when I got back they told me she had been a bit upset.

She's just started a really clingy phase as well so it's probably a lot worse because of it! A few months ago I don't even think she would have noticed. :(

OP posts:
willowisp · 08/01/2015 11:14

I sent my 1st DD to nursery & regret it so much. I couldn't cope with sending DD2 & so never went back to work.

You could a) take a year off or b) find a childminder. So much better for babies to be in a home environment.

I hate nurseries Sad

NutBiscuit · 08/01/2015 11:16

This was me a year ago - although DS was a little older - 11 months. He only had 2 settling in sessions where he stayed for about 2 hours. One with me there too and then the next on his own. When I went to pick him up from the second session he was crying and looked so upset and I was devastated. Really questioned whether I could do this to him for the long term.

Fast forward 4 weeks and he absolutely loved nursery. Yes, he cried on drop-off for the first couple of weeks but we were reassured by nursery staff that he settled quickly. He's made some lovely little friends there that he talks about all the time and his development has come on so fast since being there.

I didn't have much choice about going back to work - we needed my wage - so DS had to go to childcare of some sort, but as I say, he is so, so happy there and I look back on those first settling in sessions a year ago in wonder that I ever thought it wouldn't work.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/01/2015 11:18

I thought it was usual practice to build up to a full day rather than just leaping in after one session?

I would go up and get her around lunchtime, do the same next week and then do a longer day the week before you go back to work.

Where is she going to be the other days? Many childcare settings won't take children for less than 2 sessions a week because just 1 isn't enough for them to become used to the routine.

Nishky · 08/01/2015 11:19

A bit of balance to willow's post- both my children went to nursery- I DON'T hate them!

I think that a full day may be a lot for a second visit- we did an hour (while I cried in the supermarket cafe)- an hour then a morning, then almost a full day and then a full day.

MrsTawdry · 08/01/2015 11:19

Go after lunch. She's a baby. It won't matter and one day a week is not enough to get used to anyway. I'd keep her home now...until you go to work.x

nottheOP · 08/01/2015 11:20

willow that isn't helpful. Childminders aren't better for babies, you prefer them which is an opinion you are free to have but it isn't a fact!! Not working isn't always an option financially either.

OP we sometimes put DS into nursery when we're off work so we can go to the cinema or something. I don't do the full day as I like to see him when I'm off too and he's always happy to be collected whenever.

The dropping off gets easier. Fast like tearing off a plaster is better than long and drawn out. Quick kiss and a cheery 'see you later' works for us.

Nishky · 08/01/2015 11:21

Sorry-that should be an hour then two hours!

MrsTawdry · 08/01/2015 11:22

No...childminders are not always better. My friend has taken her child out of the CM and put her in a lovely nursery and she's very happy.

ButtfaceMiscreant · 08/01/2015 11:22

I've just done the same, although DD is nearly 12mo so a bit older. I've given them a call and she is doing fine, much better than me! Could you ring them and ask them to check with her key worker how she is?

Your DD is probably having a whale of a time, she's will settle and she will love it!

a2011x · 08/01/2015 11:23

Yes this feeling is normal and I cried myself out of the nursery doors, and all the way home.

It will be good if you can contact nursery and ask if she is OK. She will get used to it, they all do in the end.

Mine was like this and we had to do reduced hours, me staying for a while and a whole settling in routine and now she runs off without evening saying goodbye to me! It was 4 weeks of increasing hours and decreasing the time I spent there.

Try to enjoy the peace and quiet because I bet shes loving it by now!

RiverTam · 08/01/2015 11:24

aw, you poor thing. It's all very normal, if it's a good nursery they will give you good feedback and you can make some decisions then. For now, I would ensure that you have something specific to do while she's at nursery so you're not just brooding about it at home. Go to the cinema (I think I had the first Hobbit film lined up for DD's first days!), go shopping, meet a chum for lunch, whatever you can absorb yourself in.

Drop can be hard but in many cases the child is perfectly cheery 5 minutes after you've left.

11-6 seems quite a long day to begin with, when DD started (though she was 2) the settling in period was over about 4 days and was initially 2 hours with me, then 3 hours with me for the first half hour then I went home, the morning plus lunch, then a full day (9-4). They would extend the settling-in period if the child wasn't settled by then (DD was). It may be different for babies, but have a chat with the staff.

365ThingstoDo · 08/01/2015 11:25

Definitely collect her early on the first day. I was like you and thought we should both tough it out until the end of the day, but 6 years later I look back and think I must have been bonkers! School children only do 6 1/2 hours you know.

Keep it shorter and fun and she might not be so resistant. I made mine do full days from the off and his distress grew and grew. He was 13 months when he started though. I'm embarrassed to say I never did go back to work and this was a big reason behind it. My third loves nursery though and is very happy and learning lots there - nursery is a Good Thing.

Good luck!

Original poster
blueberrypudding · 08/01/2015 11:25

Before the settling in session yesterday we had an hour where I was in there with her and she was obviously fine the whole time (was quite happy, actually, around the other kids). So I guess there was a bit of a build-up? I still feel like it's a bit of a stretch though, from a couple of hours to a full day without me (for the first time, and with strangers!).

Will the nursery think I'm the most ridiculous parent in the world if I pop back too early? I know it doesn't really matter what they think but I get so easily embarrassed about things like that. My DH thinks it'll be better for her if I stay strong and tough it out.

OP posts:
maleenteringfemalefacilities · 08/01/2015 11:25

I used to drop DD to nursery and she would cry (for about a week, not all the time!), I'd ring from the platform of the train station (3 mins walk) and invariably she would be happily playing by the time I called them.

A teacher of hers when she was 5 introduced me to "hug and drop" - if a child looked like they were going to get upset at a parent leaving, a quick exit and subsequent distraction worked wonders.

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