To want to go and get my baby back now!

[blueberrypudding]

Just dropped my 9mo off at nursery for the first time. (I'm not back at work yet but we're trying to let her get used to it.) When she woke up this morning she was happy and grinning and when I left her she was crying and clinging and screaming "mama". Felt awful having to leave her like that but her keyworker said it's normal for them to be a bit upset on the first day.

So now I'm sat in my living room crying and wanting to rush back and pick her up immediately, when I should really be relishing the first bit of non-baby time I've had in nine months. Am I being a total velcro-mum or is being this upset about it normal?

Oh, and ask the staff if they'll text you when she calms down, so you don't imagine she's screaming all day long. DS3's nursery sent pictures of him grinning and playing during his first week, which meant I could relax and get one with some work.

This was me in April, it broke my heart to leave my DD, however her going to Nursery has been brilliant.! She loves it, she still gets upset when we leave her, but she soon gets over it and starts to enjoy it.

I think its worse when you are at home, when you go back to work, your day will be busier.

Hopefully you will pick her up later, go in earlier if you wish and she will have had a good day

Oh bless you - I bet you are watching the clock

I go back to work in two weeks and next Monday my DS (aged 9m) had got his first settling in session with the childminder.

The childminder is absolutely lovely, I have no qualms about her looking after DS but I'm nervous about the thought of DS feeling abandoned by his mom and being scared

The only positive in my mind is that when I go back to work my DH will be doing all the CM drop-offs so I won't have to listen to the cries

I agree with nott I am a cm and am outstanding but know equally good/bad cms and nurseries.

You can't generalise.

And for goodness sake most of us have to work!! So there is no alternative to child care.

I don't work for holidays I work to pay the bills.

Op I am absolutely sure your dd will settle. It's far tougher on mums.

During trial sessions, I went into town and kept busy. I'd have gone mad if I'd stayed at home. Try and do something positive to distract yourself.

All these people who say ' don't work', 'I wouldn't leave MY children' etc etc etc are spectacularly unhelpful. I can't afford not to work and also wouldn't want to give up my career that I worked bloody hard to get qualified in. Ds has just started nursery after 2 years at the CM and that is the right decision for us now. It's hard when they cry when you leave them, but chances are that the children are loved and cared for by kind lovely people who genuinely want to be there. Ds has only done two days and every single member of staffI have seen at the nursery at drop off and pick up have had a positive thing to say about him/how he's settled in/what he enjoyed at lunchtime.

How you feel is totally normal and reasonable.
I an sure that your daughter will settle in very quickly - my 2 both went to nursery part time (2 days/week) and loved it. Before that I always thought that when working mums claimed their kids loved nursery that they were saying it to make themselves feel better, but the children honestly do enjoy the time with other kids.
Pick her up early today, or drop in at lunch time and peak through the window to see how she is doing. (make sure she doesn't see you or she will start crying.) The nursery will not think you are ridiculous - do what you need to do.
There are all sorts of other benefits from nursery - for example the kids get into great routines with naps and start eating all sorts of new foods. The down side is the colds and bugs they catch.
Your daughter will be happy and you will get used to leaving her. All will be well.

Our settling in sessions were:

• 30 minutes with us there
• 1 hour without us
• 2 hours without us
• 4 hours without us
• full days

So nursery won't think you're silly for getting her early, I preferred that gradual build up. Even two years on from that start, I sometimes get DD early just because I can!

In the early days I remember phoning to ask how she was and she was fine. She now loves nursery and I much prefer it to a childminder.

Everyone comments on how confident she is and I think part of that is due to nursery.

She'll be fine and so will you. My pair go to a CM and I swear they are in that door and coats off with a cursory "Bye Mummy" over their shoulders before I blink. They're 2.5 and 16 months and have been going since 7 and 6mos respectively.

You will get used to this, as will she. 9 months is a hard age - but most of 'em get over the clingy bit quite quickly.

Maybe go and do something nice you couldn't do without her. A swim / nails done / a quiet coffee... If you want to - definitely pick her up early.

I was more upset that DD when she started nursery. She was fine and at 3 1/2 still loves it there.

I did used to phone them up for the first few times though. Just to make sure she was ok. I was the one sobbing.

Go and get her at lunchtime Blueberry as the Mother of two older DC I promise you that these things come back to you later and you think "Why on earth did I put myself through that!!" she's a baby and she won't settle any better or worse if you get her early today.

Who cares what the nursery think. You're paying them either way.

Just an old gimmers POV here to balance the nursery haters...

My older 2 went to nursery from 5/12 through to starting school and the youngest to a childminder then nursery at 3 (needed school pick ups etc and the nursery had changed hands too)

THe nursery was fab, run by an amazing hands on lady.

All 3 are well rounded amazing individuals ( I know I would say that). Difference- DD2 can cook and always has been able to as from very small she had a plastic knife and mushrooms to "cut for lelly tea" whilst CM cooked. She also still has a fantastic CM auntie as a friend and since secondary has arranged to go for a cuppa every now and again to catch up etc ! ( the biggies go too when they are home ). She's 15 now.

Just called to check up on her and they said that she's been getting upset on and off but has been playing. They've put her down for a nap now but she refused her lunch! :(

They used the words "hasn't been hysterical" - I'm not sure I'm 100% reassured by that! :(

I feel silly. I should go do something other than watch daytime telly. I'm definitely to go get her early-ish though. Try again for a longer session next week.

YANBU. The posters saying 'don't work' and 'nurseries are evil' are though.

My kids cried at first, I think nearly all of them do. They very quickly came to LOVE nursery though, I mean really love it. The nursery were great at reassuring me, happy to take my panicky phone calls for the first couple of weeks etc.

I am sure it is as a result of their nursery attendance that my kids have settled into school like an absolute dream, because they are used to time away from me/being in an environment with lots of other children.

Not being hysterical is good. I've seen hysterical children at nursery and it aint good! By the sound of it she's behaved as expected for a baby new to nursery...that's good!

Could I have said "good" any more times there!?

it is normal behaviour for you both!

My DS started on a Friday for a full day, then weds, Thurs, fri the following week for a full day. He was fine (8 months). A month later he cried when I left him. This went on for a full year!!!mbut as a teacher, I knew it was just normal separation anxiety and when I looked back through the French doors, he had stopped crying - like 9/10 kids who cry when left at the school door, they stop as soon as 'mum' disappears from view.

Even if she has had a horrid day today, stick it out for at least a month. If after that time, she is still crying and upset during the day, it may be worth trying a different nursery. Nothing wrong in the nursery she is at but sometimes the relationship doesn't gel. A friend changed her child's nursery after three weeks and she settled into nursery number two from day one!

By the way, DS is now aged three, asks to go to the childminders during school holidays every friggin day!!!!! He loves going.

Take yourself out for lunch and have a glass of wine if you don't have to drive later.

Go with a book and distract yourself - she'll have a ball, I bet.

Agree with pp being unhelpful. I was really put off using a cm because of a friend's incredibly bad experience, but that doesn't mean all cms are bad.

Similarly I viewed a couple of nurseries that over my dead body would I have sent dd to. Agree it has to be right for your family.

You have my utmost sympathy OP. It's so hard and both your and her reaction is entirely normal.

Don't be afraid to pick her up early if you want to; straight into a full day is a lot. I did half days with both mine for a week or two till they were a bit more settled. Starting her at nursery before you go back to work is very sensible.

Comments about not putting children into nursery are fantastically unhelpful and unfair. This is not what the OP asked.

FWIW I still have guilt about dropping DS2 at nursery and he LOVES it (DS1 did too, despite tears at drop-off that went on, on and off, till he went to school).

PS If it helps, there was a little girl who started at the same time as DS2, who cried all day and didn't eat for the first two weeks. It was so hard on the parents, but I now see her jumping up and down outside the nursery door ready to go in (she's a little older than your DD - early toddler stage). So many/most children do settle in after time, but that process is so hard on you.

Theas my previous mindees come visit me too. It's great. They know I really really know them inside out

It's funny to have a glass of wine brought for me by an 18 year old whose nappy you used to change back in the day.

Sounds like a normal first day op.