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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be worried that this is the end of sex?

35 replies

partypigeon · 06/01/2015 12:55

4 months post-birth and I'm just not the slightest bit interested. I look at do and think he's nice in an objective way but have absolutely no desire to jump him. I feel all "touched out" (am ebf) and sex just feels like one more demand on my exhausted battered body...

we've tried a handful of times but it's just felt mildly uncomfortable, it's as if I've lost all sensation. I had a few stitches which seem to have healed ok but nothing feels like it used to. Is this just how it is? What's a typical amount of time to feel sexy again? I'd be really grateful to hear some of your experiences.

OP posts:

leedy · 06/01/2015 13:03

I definitely didn't feel in any way back to normal sexywise until my periods came back (about 8 months pp first time, 5 months second time), which kind of makes sense when you think about it - if your periods are back it means your body is vaguely feeling like it might get pregnant again and hence kicks off the ould sexual urges. I do remember feeling like I MIGHT NEVER WANT IT AGAIN, but I did and have the second child to prove it. :)

Also give your poor old body a break, it's just made, expelled, and is feeding AN ENTIRE OTHER HUMAN, it takes a good while for everything to get back to normal. I know you hear all these stories about people who are so filled with lust postnatally that they're practically at it in the delivery room but I suspect they are few and far between.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 06/01/2015 13:07

It took me over six months to even want to have sex. It's not that I went off my dp I just went off sex. I didn't have a traumatic birth as I know that can put some women off I just couldn't enjoy it

gybegirl · 06/01/2015 13:14

It can take a while:-). there are a few points I think.

Lack of sensation is probably down to the fact that your pelvic floor took a beating. You can have this checked by your doctor. Look up Kegel machines and kegel exercises. This is so very important in the long term if you're an active person (bitter, bitter experience for me now with two prolapses and not able to run or lift anything heavy again ever).

Keep off my body. I get it! I ebf my two daughters and from the neck down and the chest up was just off limits. It is worth trying relaxed, no pressure, messing about though. If you don't feel like sex, ask for a back massage or foot massage or something. Physical contact doesn't have to be about sex but without any physical contact, ime you do drift apart a bit. It takes work, but doesn't have to be work.

Best advice... Keep showing you care for each other, small things like a cup of tea in bed, holding hands, talking to each other and listening to each other, funny movies and remembering that you're feeling different because you and your body are adapting but actually he's still the same man and your still the same woman.

It does get better (much better) but for me took about 12 months to feel back to normal (now it's much better than normal). :-)

Writerwannabe83 · 06/01/2015 13:23

My DS is 9m/o and I'm still waiting for any kind of sexual urge or desire to return.

StrawberryTot · 06/01/2015 13:54

I can't remember exactly how long it was until I had sex after the birth of my 2 DC's but I do remember the lack of libido and that it returned quicker with the first DC. I had stitches with the 2nd and also had a toddler so I'd put that down to tiredness as well. I breast fed both my DC's, so the breasts were an absolute no go area.
Sorry I don't think that's much he'll :(

StrawberryTot · 06/01/2015 13:55

I don't that'll help much! Argh sorry no idea what happened there!

Original poster

partypigeon · 06/01/2015 13:57

Thanks for really thoughtful and reassuring replies. I've been getting reply tense and anxious when we get anywhere near having sex and thought the solution was to just push on through but am going to rethink that. Doc appointment booked (foolishly didn't bother with 6-week check as I was feeling fine and a bit over-confident at that point).

OP posts:

53Dragon · 06/01/2015 13:58

I once read that about half of couples don't have sex for a year after giving birth. Don't fret about it - having babies is exhausting and often not very sexy!

FayKorgasm · 06/01/2015 14:03

I think you do have a point Leedy as a fair amount of women seem to have very low sex drive while ebf. I was in a LLL group and it was a frequent complaint of dh/dp to the mums ([angwhi. which made me want to squirt them in the eye,insensitive arses.)

FayKorgasm · 06/01/2015 14:04

Don't push yourself into doing something you are not 100% ready to do. .

NutellaLawson · 06/01/2015 14:31

I could have written your post just two montgs ago. Your libido can recover. Really.

In my case I breastfed dc1 for 13 months (not by choice. Bottle refuser) and became pregnant again 3 months before ceasing breastfeeding. Other than 2 weeks ago I've had one period since November 2011!

During all that time I did not fancy sex at ALL. I had no interest in it and found it boring at best. We did it only for his sake and his enjoyment. Many times I cried about it as it left me feeling so hollow and cold.

Two months ago we had a long talk about it. i had stopped even hugging or kissing dp for fear of it leading to sex. He was very understanding and he promised never to escalate things. A hug is a hug.

Recently though, now that dc2 is 9 months old, my period came back. Boo, right? Then this week I ovulated. My libido came back out of nowhere. I was making filthy remarks. I'm back in my nice (not nursing) bras and junped his bones. I had my first o in over 2 years!!

Only 2 months ago I thought our sex life was ruined and would be this shit forever. It goes to show what a difference hormones make. Give it time until your cycles have reestablished. If you fancied him before you can fancy him again. With the right hormones.

leedy · 06/01/2015 14:51

Yes, definitely think hormones play a MASSIVE role. As I said above, I didn't feel in any way sexual until my periods were back again (I was still BF but that didn't seem to affect things much once I was ovulating again, other than me not really wanting any more touching of the boobs right now, thanks).

Trooperslane · 06/01/2015 14:57

totally identify with the all touched out feeling.

It was horrible. Good idea for the docs and for us at 16months I'm really wanting to get our groove back.

Mix fed (90% bf) til 8 months.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 06/01/2015 15:00

DD is 14 months, and I'm 14 weeks pregnant which was a bit of a shock to us as we were literally having sex about once a month! It took until she was about 6 months old until I felt vaguely like having sex (we did try before but it really wasn't enjoyable) and even then I was exhausted, touched out and felt completely unsexy. On the plus side at 14 weeks pregnant the hormones mean that I can't get enough, DH is making the most of it as he knows it won't last long . Seriously it is completely, 100% normal to not feel sexy at 4 months post birth. It will come back.

Writerwannabe83 · 06/01/2015 15:01

When posters say they didn't get their libidos back until their periods returned, was this once your normal cycle resumed and you were having regular periods?

DS is 9 months and I had a period of sorts (very light and shortlived) last July and then nothing until I had a more 'normal one' about three weeks ago.

We haven't DTD since DS was born and I feel stifled when DH hugs me or kisses me - it's really strange. I feel like I just want my personal space and him being tactile with me makes me feel annoyed. DH is making comments about our lack of sex life and asking when I'm going to have my Mirena put back in but not one single part of me is even thinking about sex or wanting to have sex. I look at him and still find him very attractive but that's where it ends.

leedy · 06/01/2015 15:06

"When posters say they didn't get their libidos back until their periods returned, was this once your normal cycle resumed and you were having regular periods?"

More the latter, it's the ovulating that gets your mojo back and it's not uncommon for your first couple of cycles after baby to be anovulatory, especially if they're really irregular/weird (more like your body gearing back up to cycle rather than proper periods, IYKWIM) - now that I think of it I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate in the first couple of cycles after DS2, though was straight back regular as clockwork after DS1.

FayKorgasm · 06/01/2015 15:20

I had a couple of light periods before they came back properly and so did the old libido.

BestZebbie · 06/01/2015 16:13

Ooi, how does going on the minipill affect this? (as you wouldn't be having natural periods, but at the same time, you would have changed your hormones)

editthis · 06/01/2015 16:29

I was worried enough about this to consult my doctor when in your position! She said it was the body's natural contraceptive, as it is definitely not physically ready to have another baby. So try not to worry about it; your libido will return.

I understand, though: I hated the thought that my husband would feel rejected by me. Needless to say, of course he didn't - and I'm sure yours will understand too.

wishmiplass · 06/01/2015 16:34

writer You've summarised exactly how I feel (DS is same age too). We have DTD a couple of times since May, and it's been really good, but I just can't seem to find it in me to WANT to in the first place. It's like I'm constantly worried he's going to mention it and I'm avoiding it. Horrible, horrible feeling.

Bellwether · 06/01/2015 17:13

gybegirl, can I ask what you mean by " Look up Kegel machines and kegel exercises. This is so very important in the long term if you're an active person (bitter, bitter experience for me now with two prolapses and not able to run or lift anything heavy again ever)."

I am an active person. What should I know? I'm worried now!

Writerwannabe83 · 06/01/2015 17:31

It's a bit of a white elephant in our house. I have told him not to take my lack of interest as being anything personal but I'm not sure he believes me when I explain it's hormonal. It doesn't help that I feel shattered and after being with DS for 12 hours everyday as well as doing the housework stuff all I want to do is sleep when I go to bed. I don't have it in me to see to DH's needs as well as DS's.

Original poster

partypigeon · 06/01/2015 17:52

That feeling of trying to dodge possible advances is sooo horrible, especially when we used to enjoy it so much. We have talked about it but I don't think we really appreciated how long it would take to heal and be up for it again. I was in a relationship when I was younger where I felt pressured/guilt-tripped into having a lot more sex than I really wanted and I'm only now realising how scarred that's left me - I've been getting really tense and panicky whenever we've been in a situation where sex could theoretically happen. Thanks for all your advice, I'm feeling much more "normal"!

OP posts:

Whatisaweekend · 06/01/2015 18:23

Took me a year to fancy it again after pfb (less after second born). Don't worry - the time will come when you do feel more like your old self, libido-wise. Be kind to yourself - physically and mentally you have been through a big upheaval!

The most important thing is to keep talking to your dh - let him know how you are feeling and together you can ponder the reasons why (touched out, breast feeding, sore under carriage etc etc). It ensures that you both understand how you are both feeling and he can be reassured that you haven't "gone off" him but it is the whole giving birth/new mother/hormones thing.

Penguin0fMadagascar · 06/01/2015 19:48

I remember after DS1 was born the idea of sex just seemed mad to me - DH and I tried it a few weeks post-birth and it wasn't all that much fun (although that wasn't unexpected) but it was more that I just seemed to have an instinctive "what do you want to do that for?" reaction to the idea.

I do clearly recall the moment about eight months later that I looked at DH and started to feel that sex wouldn't just be another box to tick. I don't know what had changed, but I think on reflection the combination of hormones and the intense physical invasion that birth had felt like had just started to recede a bit.

After all, lots of people have subsequent children (including me - DS2 was born 21 months after DS1) so the first one can't kill sex permanently

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