To wonder how working mums manage when I can barely keep it together

[CountryMummy1]

I am a SAHM with a 3 year old DD and 10 month old DS. Many of my friends have gone back to work with children the same age as me and I just wonder how the hell they manage.

I was struggling so much when DS was born that I took Mumsnet advice to get a cleaner....and I still have her! She cleans and irons and is a godsend.

We go to a group everyday but I really struggle to get everyone sorted to get to the 9am ones. How do people manage to get their DC to childminders etc. and get to work on time?

I have a cling DD and, to be honest most of the day is spent just doing stuff....shopping, tidying, cooking, doing a class....then it's time for bedtime routine and bed. Evening is spent cleaning up dinner, tidying, paperwork, household stuff etc. And I still never get everything done.

I have days when I make a big effort to do some proper 'educational' things with DD or something creative but it's at the expense of other stuff which I end up doing at night when I'm knackered.

The final straw was DS in Law putting a facebook picture on this weekend....she was only building a while bloody ship out of cardboard with the DCs.... And she works full time as well

Where am I going wrong or am I just crap???

I think the worst would be FT working AT home - the best working PT 2-3 days a week - mainly out of home, maybe one day at home with DCs in childcare

This has cheered me right up!! I'm going back for 2.5 days and have been wondering whether to use childcare one day when I'm off just so I can have some recuperation time and time to myself

Relate to vrsahm, three hours a day commuting is hard going, and to the poster who said that spice short days is hard. At the moment I really envy the SAHMs I know with school age children!

My theory in mess is it's partly down to how many meals are eaten by DC and adults at home! For a long while my DC ate at breakfast club, hot nurser/school lunch then a home cooked meal at lovely CMs which was fab. I ate on train. My DM always said the worst thing after working all day was having to make sure food was in (pre io line grocery shopping) and cook tea - we ate a lot of fish fingers, burgers and waffles!

writer If you can afford it - do it! If it doesn't work out, you can just change it. And they don't HAVE to go - you can keep them off the odd week ...if you find you want to spend more time with them

I am working 3 days a week and I went back when DD2 was 18 months. DD1 is now at school, DD2 at nursery, and I am working 2 out of 3 days at home. I love working PT, it provides me with my headspace and independence. Any breaks I take during the day when working from home I shove something in the washing machine/drier/dishwasher and I feel a bit more organised. Plus less commute time! I find it much harder emotionally and overall to be a SAHM. And yes, like someone posted upthread, you do feel guilty if you are at home if things don't get done. If you are working then sod those things!

Very true naice - my DS is having his morning nap and the house is in absolute chaos!! There are so many things I could be doing but instead I'm lying on the bed, drinking tea and eating Pringles. I feel a little bit guilty

I', a single parent who works FT, 2 DC. I had a wonderful CM do all the stuff you do in the day with your DC - playgroups, activities, painting, meals etc.

And as we weren't in the flat during the day there was less mess etc to tidy up & less stuff to organise.

Now DD2 is in nursery FT and the CM picks both DC up from school/nursery and gives them their dinner.

I rarely resort to tv/ipad etc....until we're on holiday. Its much easier to do creative, interesting stuff/outings two days a week (especially when there are two salaries coming in to pay for it) than 7 days a week.

Cooking two nutritious meals a day for dd for 10 days over the Xmas hols and persuading her to eat some of them nearly broke me.

Yes same as Its - the nursery/kids club/ school does all that stuff for me!

The house is generally a bit of a tip too... Honestly after the Christmas break i'm glad to be back at work, I find it easier to be patient with DS when I'm not with him all day as well. Hats off to you, don't know how you do it all the time!

Writer You deserve the rest - go on, and don't feel the slightest bit guilty! I think it is just society expectations that causes the guilt.

Thanks so much for your replies everyone. I no longer feel so alone and quite so crap!!! I am banking on being able to look back and be glad I spent all this time with my babies even if everything else had gone to shit

The answer for us was part time working. Staying at home full time would have driven me crazy but working full time was never going to happen either. I'd have been too stressed and I'd have felt that I was short changing my kids. So I reduced my hours and now work 3 days a week. It's the perfect solution for us - some space and earning ability for me but I'm there for my kids too. I live in fear of being asked to increase my hours though...

Good enough is good enough. Repeat...

It doesn't matter whether you go out to work or are a SAHM - there's always someone seemingly doing "it" better.

Sometimes it helps to think about what you ARE doing rather than what you're not.

I work. I missed the nativity but made the Carol service. I'll never be able to do craft-y things with my kids but I can help them understand their maths. The bed linen hasn't been changed since Christmas but we've had some great days out & home cooked food.

The minutiae doesn't matter. The big picture does. Are you providing a safe and happy home for your kids? Yes? Well done then. It really doesn't matter how often you make the entire cast of Frozen out of pipecleaners while singing French folk songs.

I lied. The bed linen has been changed but only because of a cat incident

Having done both (and from tomorrow I'll be a SHAM again, baby number 2 due in a few weeks. DS aged 2) I would say they both have their challenges and of course their rewards.

Personally I didn't enjoy doing either "full time". I need balance and variety in my life so the ideal for me would be to work PT Will deal with that when I am due back in a year's time

When working FT I find that forward planning and getting up early are the two things that helped most. On days when OH has DS I can get up at 7.15am. On days DS is in childcare I am up at 6am. Lists are a huge help and getting as much ready the day before is another thing I do religiously.

I also sometimes use my lunch hour to do all the household admin (bills etc..)

DS was younger when I was a SAHM so we had a less rigid routine and to be honest I sometimes found motivation an issue. Some days I'd struggle to get all the things done that I can do in a day when I am at work? Obviously that is because a huge chunk of my day was spent with my DS though, which is a massive positive.

It's hard. Even with a pretty helpful partner [he is self employed and has been very hands on with childcare] I sometimes feel it is an uphill struggle and that goes for both working FT and being a SAHM.

It's a fine balance I have a 1 and 3 year old and find it difficult to work but needs must. Getting to work is different than a baby group you just can't be late and you have to be dressed appropriately sans weetabix. Also we all leave the house at the same time so DH has as much responsibility in the morning as me, I think with SaHMs the dads often just get themselves ready in the morning. At the weekend I am less focused on the morning routine.

I don't have a cleaner and we muddle through. I think when they are older the house will be tidier with us being out all day but at the moment they can mess it up in the time they are there morning and evening with playing, dinner and bath time pretty much to weekend levels. At least when I was home all day there was more opportunity for quick bits if housework such as putting on a load of washing.

I don't know how sahms do it! I'm at work from 7ish to 5ish (I'm a teacher) and think that it is much easier to go to work rather than be home looking after children all day. I have a child who is nearly 3 and and a 3 month old. I have had very short maternity leave both times. 11 weeks the first time round and then 9 weeks this time.

I was absolutely ready to get back to work both times. I found the lack of adult conversation very difficult and if I am being completely honest preparing to get flamed I found looking after a small baby quite boring.

Many of my friends have gone back to work with children the same age as me and I just wonder how the hell they manage.

They're wondering how you manage being at home with two young children all day!!
I'm a SAHM to one year old DS with number 2 on the way and I wonder how people manage with two. Having spoken to friends who've gone back to work full time most have cleaners, support from family and/or fantastic childcare.
I live in quite a small house which can be a pain but it forces me to be tidy and everything has to have a place. I think it must be harder with a large house that requires a lot of cleaning and upkeep. I try to keep things clean and tidy but nowhere near as perfect as it was pre-baby. When DS is ill or had a bad night stuff gets missed but it's not really the end of the world. I agree with pp who said that you notice more when you're at home all day so the house sometimes feels in a worse state than it is!
I don't bother with groups everyday, more like 3 a week and keep one day a week as a bit of a slobby day.
Avoid Facebook!!!
You're not doing anything wrong. For what it's worth nearly every Mum I know with children of all ages, SAH, WOH all feel like they're doing something wrong or selling someone short. It's brutal!

youlllikeotnotalot

I shed tears at your post

It's much harder without an (enforced) routine, I find.

I achieve far more during term time, both personally and with my children, than I do in the, less structured, school holidays (I work in school too).

I would struggle to establish such a good routine without having to through work/school though.

It'll come, don't worry!