To wonder how working mums manage when I can barely keep it together

[CountryMummy1]

I am a SAHM with a 3 year old DD and 10 month old DS. Many of my friends have gone back to work with children the same age as me and I just wonder how the hell they manage.

I was struggling so much when DS was born that I took Mumsnet advice to get a cleaner....and I still have her! She cleans and irons and is a godsend.

We go to a group everyday but I really struggle to get everyone sorted to get to the 9am ones. How do people manage to get their DC to childminders etc. and get to work on time?

I have a cling DD and, to be honest most of the day is spent just doing stuff....shopping, tidying, cooking, doing a class....then it's time for bedtime routine and bed. Evening is spent cleaning up dinner, tidying, paperwork, household stuff etc. And I still never get everything done.

I have days when I make a big effort to do some proper 'educational' things with DD or something creative but it's at the expense of other stuff which I end up doing at night when I'm knackered.

The final straw was DS in Law putting a facebook picture on this weekend....she was only building a while bloody ship out of cardboard with the DCs.... And she works full time as well

Where am I going wrong or am I just crap???

rollonthesummer I worked with children as well.

WordFactory, thank you for that message. It means a lot. And yours, too, OP.

I wasn't 'meant' to be a lone parent. My ExH just left (for OW). And so I coped.

I have to say though that the freedom and privacy I had, and the loss of the big lump of moaning meanness, was in its own way very liberating

Mine are teenagers now and you do forget how bad it was, but I had two with the same age gap as you OP and at 3 and 10 months I was back at work full time. I loved my job and my lovely child-free colleague always had a cup of coffee waiting in my office when I got in and left me alone for 30mins knowing I'd been up for ages already (fully understand that most jobs are not like this!). I remember that very fondly. I would have struggled as a SAHM as I need aims and structure in my day or I get really lethargic.

The work pattern I found hardest was Mon-Fri school hours when they were both at primary school. I thought it would give me more time with them, but you have to do the school run, cram in a day's work explaining to everyone (all the time) that you must finish at 3pm and no you can't just do a 2.45pm meeting. Then rush to school, pick up the kids who can't understand why you don't want their friends over to play (you've not been in the house since 7.30am). You're then faced with all the housework, because you're only part-time in order to keep things running at home. I found it absolutely exhausting and soon went back to full time, although we were lucky that DP has a term time job so could be there in the holidays for them.

I and all my friends had playpens though, or travel cots in the front room which the DCs got plopped in if you had to make a phone call or have a wee. Taking them into the loo with you would have been thought of as pretty unhygienic at that time! Still, things change.

It is all in the planning! I am a full time working mother with a hands on husband but I struggle to 'cope' and quite frankly, I am not most of the time. (Going back to work part time after maternity leave - DD doesn't arrive until March!)
Since having kids, the house is a lot messier. Ironing left for longer, dishes congregate in the sink, floors never see a vacuum cleaner or a mop til weekends, windows NEVER get cleaned - because I choose to put my kids first. Yesterday, I left the house in a mess to take my toddler to a playgroup. It was far more important for him to socialise and for me to have some 'me time'. Housework CAN wait. It will get done, just not at that moment. What harm will be done by leaving it to wait?
Also if I need to be out of the house by 9am, I ensure that I am up early enough to get everyone ready. If that means breakfast dishes in the sink or left on the table, I leave them. It is about prioritising. It sounds like you are trying to be a super housewife and mum all rolled into one. The thing is, decades ago when SAHM were the norm, kids were at home all day so jobs DID get done but societies priorities have changed and children have become the focus of our attention and why shouldn't they?
My mum admits that she made mistakes with me and my brother when we were little - too much housework and not enough attention on us. I admit, most of my memories are of my mum my plumping up cushions on the sofa when we were sitting on them, hoovering, cleaning, dusting etc, etc. No memories of activities together, groups, having fun etc.
Don't beat yourself up if the housework doesn't get done. Remember, your kids will remember their childhood with fondness if you are the centre of it lavishing attention on them. Don't allow them to have memories like me - stressed out mum (part time worker) trying to make the house look like a show house on a new housing development!

Oh, and OP, you are not crap. I can only speak for myself, but the only reason we were all out of the house on time was because I couldn't wait to get to work for some peace and quiet.

AgentDiNozzo - since you ask, it's not a problem I've ever had or heard of. But it sounds very stressful to rely on your child being content for you to be able to do a poo. I would sing sometimes when they were very tiny so they could at least hear my voice, but however much I love my children, sometimes they couldn't have me in the same room, and when I am doing a poo is one of those times.

I start work whilst dd is still asleep so DP drops her at nursery on his way to work and I pick up after work. On my days off I struggle a bit to get us both washed dressed and out by 8:45 but when I do I leave the mess until I get back from nursery run. I know it'll be harder in September with a new baby too!

Oh and I haven't mopped since Christmas eve

OP, I work full time and get my DD to nursery (only child) in a reasonable fashion without tears from either of us and her lunchbox is packed the night before. She's clean, with neat hair and dressed tidily if eclectically.

However, my kitchen floor is covered in muddy pawprints and the kitchen desperately needs a tidy (but the fridge is tidy which is great). I have a pile of washing on the landing that I forgot to fling in the machine earlier. EVERYTHING needs a tidy, dust and clean and hoover. The spare bed has clothes all over it which need putting away and I have a pile of clothes that need to go to the charity shop of something. I would like a cleaner but I'd need to clean the house first. DD can be unpredictable with going to bed so sometimes I have a tiny window to get stuff done and no willpower I also watched 2 hours of Foyles War last night which was fab.

That's how I manage. When I was on maternity leave I got a cleaner. I empathise with you.

Ohtheholidays- as I said before, which you find harder depends on lots of things-your job, responsibilities, your own children's temperaments etc Some people find going out to work easier-I didn't. I found my job stressful and it didn't give me a chance for the little things some people have mentioned- that might have made a difference-a commute, a cup of tea in peace or adult company. Other jobs working with children might-it depends on lots of factors. I was just saying that personally, I found it easier being at home.

My DH, on the other hand had a long commute and works in an office-he used to go to work for a break!

I don't remember going to any groups with my mum (child of the early 80's). I went to kindy a couple of days a week when I was 3-4 but otherwise I trailed round with her & tagged along with my older sister if she'd have me when she was home from school. Mum chatted to me but never 'played' with me - the extent of activities was sometimes going to mass with my gran! As I got older (7+) I would find myself a book to read. I feel like I had a pretty happy childhood. I don't really like the modern obsession with providing constant entertainment/stimulation for children. It can't hurt them to be bored sometimes like we were!

Loads of empathy here, but I just want to add that I found it easier once I'd gone back to work. I have an 8 month old and a nearly 2 yo, and the days I work (time to myself, only me to worry about, everything PPs have said) make the days I'm at home with the unpredictable babies way more manageable. When I was at home full time, I felt like I was never fully in control. Now, I feel bizarrely more capable of everything, including looking after the children. So it's not that we're superhuman, it's that working genuinely can be easier.

AgentDiNozzo I think that this is interesting culturally though, because as a child in the early seventies, I was left in the garden for up to an hour at a time for 'fresh air' and this wouldn't have caused my mother stress if I cried. I would not have done this with my own children as I would have found that stressful, however, I had no problem with going about my business at home it they were in a playpen for a while and cried, once I had checked nappy hunger etc etc.

Now it seems culturally unacceptable to allow your children to cry or be sad at all, and whilst there is probably really good evidence that this makes them happier children etc, I'm not sure it's great for the mental health of mothers at home.

I suppose my point is that it is not just a biological function, but a cultural one too.

In my experience, it's not necessary to go to a group everyday, alternate days would be fine too. On the day you don't go to a group, could,just go to the par or take a walk at whatever time suits you.

If you find yourself spending a lot of time tidying and cleaning, could you have too much stuff out. I realized I had too many toys out and was forever putting them away, so even though my house was not (very) dirty it was always messy! Now I rotate toys and have thrown out stuff I had been hanging on for for too long.

Should say you could just go to the park

I always put my children down and had a shower and did my make-up every morning when SAHP otherwise I felt skanky and unprepared for the day. It is a good idea to make one area toddler-proof for this purpose, or even put them in their cot if standing/walking but not older. By 3 I wouldn't expect to be viewing their actions every single second of the day anyway.

I don't cope that well to be honest working f/t in a demanding job and having two school-age children, or at least, the work gets done, the children are clean/have right clothes/get homework done- but the house is the thing that suffers, it is a tip and that deeper cleaning (like dusting/mopping) gets done so rarely I start to hate it. When you are at home, or working from home, doing small jobs around the house is doable.

I don't agree with everyone the house is pristine if you work- you still have to get the children up and out and breakfasted and the debris of the morning is left behind as you run out. Same in the evening meal. Stacking the dishwasher seems like one job too many late at night.

I do wonder if you could set slightly lower standards around going to groups though. I remember (I know bad form for mentioning other threads but you have posted a lot lately about these type of things) your dd has some issues with speech and I'm guessing you want to take her to groups because of this- but having taken her out of nursery, I think it would be fine to have one home day, one out of the house day, and so on each week. Her speech will be improved by you speaking with her at home, and making her emotionally secure (the issue with nursery) and I'm not sure going 5 days a week to different groups is necessary or desirable, as children of this age often play alongside each other not with each other- she may get less speech and interaction than if at home playing a game with you.

I am also a big believer in preserving your own mental health and sanity to help your children- so don't be afraid to do what you want a bit, poo in peace (10 month old in cot, three year old in front of telly), don't go to a group unless you feel like it. I think running yourself into the ground and heightening anxiety all round won't help anyone, you or them.

It is a hard time, I prefer working and juggling than staying at home, although my juggling skills are quite poor, don't assume all WOHM are superwomen either.

A lot of paid help is how I manage, outsource everything domestic, cleaning, ironing, shopping so when I get home from work I just have to worry about playing with DD and putting her to bed. Weekends are not spent doing household duties but having family time.

Agree that work is sometimes a break!

I currently work 25-30 hours a week with no childcare (so evenings when DH is home, and weekends), and have 3 DC, including a 9mo who feeds all night, so I have become a master of a combination of prioritising/being efficient/letting stuff go. My survival techniques include:

• EVERYTHING ready the night before, clothes, shoes, socks, change bag. Even if it means going to bed at midnight, it is so much easier than trying to do it in the morning.
• We spend an hour or so on a weekend morning or weekday evening blasting everything - hoovering/sheets/tidying/cleaning depending on what needs the most attention at that point. Anything not done just has to wait till next time.
• fewer toys out, and a place to tidy everything away easily
• generally less 'stuff' in the house - fewer clothes, ornaments, trinkets etc. less to tidy and clean
• before I had DC3 I used to get washed and dressed before the DCs were up, but normally she is in bed with us by the morning and I can't get up without waking her. When she starts to sleep through I will do that again.

I'm going back to work in two weeks and I can't wait. My job is very busy end stressful so I won't get 'mental space' but I will get time out from the house and DS duties that SAHP'ing brings and that's what I'm looking forward to

I've done both - both hard in different ways....
I think there is a big difference in your mental approach
WOHM you crave time with your children (to an extent -or feel guilty).
SAHM you crave some time without them...

I always did 'fun' things with DD1 at the weekend (as a FT WOHM) with DD2 (SAHM) it was just another day of the week...same old, same old -less fun. Making a cardboard model is less fun -just more mess to clean up!
The not getting a break as WOHM - you do - tiny ones you might not appreciate until you haven't got them. Like just getting into your car.
I remember driving to the local shop without DD2 once and feeling like something was missing...but elated that I could just get in my car and go...no seat belt etc faff.

And I agree with PPs
On the 'housework' front - just being in the house all day creates so much more mess - much more than I would ever have imagined.
And the work filling the time...as a SAHM you notice things more - I hadn't washed DD1's curtains for 5 yrs they had thick dust on the top ... as WOHM didn't notice - and if I had I probably wouldn't have time to do much about it and had a good excuse- as SAHM I noticed more and felt I SHOULD have the time to do them, had no excuse. And if you have a partner as a SAHM you feel like you should be doing more than them around the house....as a WOHM you can delegate things with a clearer conscience.

I think the worst would be FT working AT home - the best working PT 2-3 days a week - mainly out of home, maybe one day at home with DCs in childcare.