To wonder how working mums manage when I can barely keep it together

[CountryMummy1]

I am a SAHM with a 3 year old DD and 10 month old DS. Many of my friends have gone back to work with children the same age as me and I just wonder how the hell they manage.

I was struggling so much when DS was born that I took Mumsnet advice to get a cleaner....and I still have her! She cleans and irons and is a godsend.

We go to a group everyday but I really struggle to get everyone sorted to get to the 9am ones. How do people manage to get their DC to childminders etc. and get to work on time?

I have a cling DD and, to be honest most of the day is spent just doing stuff....shopping, tidying, cooking, doing a class....then it's time for bedtime routine and bed. Evening is spent cleaning up dinner, tidying, paperwork, household stuff etc. And I still never get everything done.

I have days when I make a big effort to do some proper 'educational' things with DD or something creative but it's at the expense of other stuff which I end up doing at night when I'm knackered.

The final straw was DS in Law putting a facebook picture on this weekend....she was only building a while bloody ship out of cardboard with the DCs.... And she works full time as well

Where am I going wrong or am I just crap???

the hard thing about working ft with dc for me is the amount or organisation required and all the errands cleaning and organisation has to happen in free time - it feels like time slips through my fingers - v little free time.

I had 2.5yrs (inc mat leave) as a sahm - I had time to socialise, groups etc and errands and chores could be done around ds.

I think that part time would be a lovely compromise.

I've done both and found working much easier psychologically, despite it being high stress/pressure as a job. The only thing was I felt less in tune with the kids when working so getting out on a Saturday was comically slow as I just sort of couldn't wrap my head round it, even with two there. I find the unpredictability of home hard, the way it's going swimmingly and then one ten minute period of inattention on my part or hyperactivity from the kids seems to set off a chain reaction that can ruin the whole day in a way that would not happen easily at work.

I've done both for long periods and I found that they are both equally as hard in different ways.

The grass was definitely greener when I was working and I thought being at home would be a breeze, as it was when I was on mat leave with one small baby. By the time I was home with 3 children at primary, preschool part time and a baby I was longing for the simplicity of leaving in the morning and coming back in the evening. When you work its tempting to think your children are existing in a vacuum but someone is looking after them somewhere, doing things with them, making their meals, clearing up endlessly and this all needs doing ad infinitum, along with the hundred other things people want you to do because you're not at work.

When I work I feel people understand more that I am VERY BUSY and any oversights were totally understandable whereas when I am a SAHM I am considered to be just endlessly available to everyone. And I am but I'm pretty unavailable at the same time, yes I could do lots of things in theory but I do them with a baby or toddler or 3 children in tow and even simple tasks take for bloody ever. For many its also bloody hard to maintain optimal enthusiasm and efficiency for the repetitive nature of looking after children and a house while they endlessly eat, poo and trash the place. Which is why so many parents work and enjoy work and have no intention of leaving it, for all the stresses of being a working parent.

Now doing contract work and hoping for a SAHM period again soon...grass is greener and all that.

Psychologically, work is easier and that's coming from someone who really dislikes their job! My job is all about routine and punctuality which seem to fall off my personality when I'm not working, I found maternity leave so difficult.

As for the mornings - I have no option but to leave by 7.30am, if I'm late then I'm answerable to senior team leaders. That threat suddenly makes a messy, weetabix-smeared kitchen seem unimportant.

When I was on maternity leave I used to do chores continually and badly but now I'm working we have a cleaner and a quick tidy round once DS is in bed. Having less time at home makes me more efficient somehow! Everything used to take me ages when I had the time, now it simply can't so it doesn't

JParkson DS is only 6 weeks so not in a position to let himself into the bathroom quite yet. Am used to having an audience on the loo though, if I don't lock the door the cat and dog both barge in and watch with interest .

My post was in response to the OP's comment that today was a new low, taking a poo with DD in lap & DS at feet. Perhaps I am a hardarse but if you are able to put your kids somewhere safe (i.e. locked them in a childproofed roomm) I see no issue in taking 5 minutes to your self to poo in peace, even if they kick off. Bowel health is important! Heh

I have no idea, I only work part time, though my job as a cleaner is soul destroyingly boring and I'm battling depressing. But I have no idea how people who work full time cope with work, children and house hold stuff.

I work FT, single mum with one DS(1). I tidy up as we go along, and plan ahead, drop him at nursery then rush to work. Do a bit of cleaning every day, batch cook. From very early on DS has been left to his own devices in a safe environment to let me get on with things. He can now entertain himself for an hour or so pottering around while I cook or similar, talking to him sometimes but not otherwise engaging. If he couldn't do this I could not function!

My kids are up between 6 and 6.30.

I used to want more groups to start earlier (9am) as by 10am we were all climbing the walls desperate to get out the house and do something!

We are early birds so it's easier but my one biggest tip that massively helps me is, don't go downstairs/leave your bedroom until you are dressed. It means one less person to get ready and helps me prepare and start the day. If I'm still in pjs it just slows us all down. Getting dressed feels like a commitment somehow, a recognition that the day has started!

We are very very organized and everything gets done straight away, no leaving things till later.

Keep all the balls in the air and watch them go round and round. ..love it.

You know how you wondered how you'd cope with a new born and two year old?

And then it happens and you do cope?

That's what working is like for me. I had no idea how I'd get it all done and get to work and not die from the exhaustion, but I do. In fact, I'm supposed to be getting ready for work right now....and I manage some MN time too!

Go easy on yourself, enjoy the kids, and your life as it is now. (So easy to type, less eas to do!)

I work 4 long days - I left home at 7.15 and will get home at about 6.15

We've got a routine but we're mostly shattered. Bags and lunches done the night before. Ds dropped off at my mums in pjs (we'll have to get him dressed tomorrow as he's at nursery and commutes with me!) Washer loaded thia morning to empty tonight. Quick play when we get home... bed time routine. One of us does that whilst the other heats up dinner (I batch cook so whatever we've got out of the freezer - not much variety aa I'm not a very good cook!), does pack ups, bags etc.

Dinner is late - after 8pm which makes me feel crappy. Then we tidy / clean / sort washing / prep work etc.

I'm often not in the bath until after 11 (still no bloody shower dp! )

I dont!
There are cobwebs on the ceilings, the bathroom needs scrubbing and I cant remember the last time I washed the walls down.

The house seems to need constant tidying.

I used to have time to help dc with homework,reading etc but struggle with this now and dc muddle through only coming to me if they are really stuck. Ds1(14) uses websites a lot so rarely needs me.

I hate it, dh hates it and the dc hate it. It creates high levels of stress as we have no calm place.

I am soon hoping to be a sahm again (at least for a while until order is restored), we cant wait!

I work ft and have 3 children. I am exhausted.

Am currently overseeing guitar practice and drinking my third cup of coffee and then get in shower and get to work.

I find working part time less exhausting than being SAHM. Yes, the morning routine is hellish. But you get a mental and physical break.

But nothing is more exhausting than the daily routine with preschoolers. Lovely though it is.

So don't put yourself down.

See, I think Balloonspaghetti has hit the nail on the head for me. I work three days a week and it gives me headspace! It's a desk job and I have an hour commute each way which I consider to be me-time so I make the most of it. I also have a cleaner, use Ocado, meal plan and have a husband who helps out a lot with our daughter (although doesn't really do any of the domestic stuff, it's seings and roundabouts is t it?). On the days we have to get up and out for nursery we manage to do it in record time. On the non-nursery days I struggle to get my daughter dressed by 10am sometimes! we pick our battles! Hang in there and don't beat yourself up. I couldn't be a sahm - I really need the time to myself I get by working and I think being at home is super hard. X

I worked whilst I was on my own with 4DC,I look back now and it's all a blur.Couldn't do it now.What worked for me was ironing and laying out everyone's clothes the night before and refilling the pram bag every night once the children were all in bed asleep.

My 4th DC,DD now 11 was really clingy as well till she was over 2.I know how hard it was to get anything done whilst she was really little.Things like putting the laundry away was a nightmare it would take me over an hour,on my own it would take me less than 20 minutes.

My 3rd DS(13) wouldn't settle on his own at Nursery either at first but I was really lucky the nursery let us do a couple of mornings a week for the first couple of weeks and I was able to stay with him.Is that something the Nursery you were looking at for your LO might let you try?

I agree with PP as well,once your at work you can use the loo without an audience,have some adult conversation and actually finish a drink whilst it's still hot.I used to feel like I should be paying them

I have been back at work for two days and have concluded that it is impossible- at least in my case with a full time senior job, three hours a day commuting, and a husband who works away and stays in a hotel mon-Fri. I will be applying for voluntary redundancy today!
yesterday I was up from 530 with dd2. They were at nursery when it opened at 730, and i got to work at 9. Panicked about reported train problems and ran out the door at 430, and finally got home at 7, having had to ask mil to pick kids up at 6 as trains were buggered. Threw kids in bath and bed then reheated some leftovers for dinner and gobbled while watching half an hour of tv, washed up baby bottles and packed for morning, then got ready for bed in preparation for dd2 waking at 5.

now rinsing and repeating. Sat on the floor of a packed and delayed commuter train. I will be lucky if there are any desks free when i get there as it is too late.

don't know what i would have done if no leftovers in fridge. Part time might be sustainable, but i cant see that this is.

I have a theory OP that most people, whether parents or not, or of either sex, thrive better when then plan and prioritise in their day to day life.

Those who move forward aimlessly and just react to circumstances thrown at them , seem to be the least content. No doubt there are all sorts of complex psychological reasons for it.

Being a SAHP to small children is one situation where it is very easy to become reactive as opposed to proactive.

I agree with PP as well,once your at work you can use the loo without an audience,have some adult conversation and actually finish a drink whilst it's still hot.

Again-as a reception teacher I struggled do any of these things! I can imagine with a commute or an office job, it's rather different though. Clearly it's very job dependent but even when I had two children under two, I still found it easier being at home.

I've been thinking about this again.

I'm being serious when I say it aged me. The whole relentless grind (two young children, on my own, working a stressful job) really took its toll on me. I'm pretty sure it accounts for some of the worn-outness and ill-health I feel these days, now they are teenagers.

linerunner I take my hat off to you and all single parents!

DH has now accepted that on my day"off", the house looks like a bomb site, and I look shattered by the time he gets home from work! I honestly don't know how full time home mums do it!

I find it very hard to get anything done with two kids underfoot, I also have a clingy 3 year old, who thankfully has been in nursery since he was 9 months old, so he has his routine, but if he didn't have nursery, I would worry a lot about his socialisation skills too.

Mornings wise, you just have to work out what time you have to be out of the house, and work backwards to when you have to be up, and then add at least an extra 20 minutes to cover random pooing or wailiness!

Oh, and when you work, it can be possible (for some people) to take a day's holiday or work from home, when you really need to get something done, so it's not really a level comparison!