AIBU to drink as much as I do

[anotherusernameblah]

I have changed name blah blah blah

I work really hard. Really hard. I am well compensated. I earn c. £300 K a year. I enjoy my work. I love it.

I also have a 1 year old and a 3 year old. I am married. And most nights I drink at least a bottle of wine. And I love it. It allows me to tune out and turn off from my ludicrously busy life. Most days I can't stop to go to the toilet. That's not just a throw away example of a supposedly busy person. I actually can't take 1-2 minutes to go to the toilet. I don't eat during the day. I just try and juggle and keep body and soul together until the work day ends.

And then I have a drink.

But I can see that I am dependent. And I can't seem to stop it. I have no intention of drip feeding. I'll answer any questions etc. but I wonder AIBU or is this just a reasonable trade off for the business I do.

Howard thanks for sharing that story . I hope your children are thriving despite their tragic loss

Howard, I came on to add my tuppence worth for the OP, but your post pulled my up short. So, so sad. Such a loss. I hope you and your children have found a way forward

blah, you don't need me to say that your pattern/amount of drinking is damaging and unhealthy. One bottle of wine per night is SO easy to drink and because of this liver units all over the country are seeing upsurge of women under 50 presenting with liver failure and needing liver transplants.

Please so seek RL help - your GP is a good place to start. Do get screening blood tests done including but not limited to your liver function tests. IF you LFTs are normal, do NOT be reassured by that: the liver is an amazingly forgiving organ and will cope with an awful lot of abuse before (sometimes suddenly) decompensating. The size and shape of your blood cells can be affected well before crude LFTs will show anything up - ditto brain function, heart conduction and all sorts of other internal organs which get damaged and which we don't always associate with alcohol excess.

I totally know what you mean about being in such a high-pressure job that you literally cannot eat or drink or go to the toilet: been there, done that. You MUST find another way to 'decompress': running is a great suggestion, or you could go the other way and try meditation/yoga. Or knitting - I find that very therapeutic .
Alcohol does help with stress and anxiety, makes us feel more confident and relaxed - in the short-term. In the longterm it actually messes with your mind, causes low mood and can make depression worse. It can also lead to more serious anxiety problems if/when you don't have the amount of alcohol that you have become used to - and so the vicious cycle continues.

You have to find a way to reduce or stop your drinking. It is far too much and it is damaging - if it's not yet affecting you obviously, you should use that as a bonus and get working on it before you cannot go back.

V best of luck.
Many people attempt to stop more than once before they stop and stay stopped. If you've stopped before and started again, ask yourself what went wrong? What made you go back? What can you tweak for your next attempt to make it more successful?
Speak to your GP, get referred for support, consider the AA (great for some people, not for everybody), there's a WikiHow 'How to stop drinking too much without the AA' if a support group is not for you.

I knew 2 women who died of alcohol related problems, one was in her 40's, one in her early 50's. Both were mothers. As a nurse I saw countless patients with alcohol related conditions - liver failure, dementia, oesophageal varices, pancreatitis. Many of them weren't that old either.
One thing that really pisses me off is when people treat excessive drinking as a joke. There's nothing funny about seeing someone vomitting gallons of blood or die of liver failure.
Please seek help OP.Best of luck to you.

I think you should try to have one or two alcohol free nights a week?

Jeez, I hope you don't drive to work!!

Or that your job involves you doing anything which impacts on others health, wealth or well- being.
I wouldn't want you as my doctor, lawyer, accountant or stockbroker.

Good for you for recognising that you need to make changes. It works best if you have lots of help, but you know that. I hope things go well for you!

Or build things that people live, drive over or travel in.

ok, phaedra, I think we got that covered

I think what she means is, it's all well and good highlighting what a high flyer you are, and how it's driven you to drink. But if you're half pissed while doing it it's not much use.

The op came across a bit like that but I can see it's moved on since.

Alcohol abuse does press people buttons unfortunately.

Practical suggestion here - on the nights I don't drink, I get into bed as soon as the chores are done, and veg out with a book, watch a movie etc. Maybe you could also take up sewing, knitting, crochet to keep your hands full and busy.

Take things one day at a time. The first morning you wake up with a clear head you'll feel amazing, and justifiably so.

Not alcohol- related, but I wonder if you've read 'I don't know how she does it' - fabulous read about a career-driven woman from humble beginnings.

And good luck. You can do this!

Your mind might be able to create a guilt reducing construct to justify why you "need/deserve" to drink in the pattern and quantity that you do, probably developing this construct more robustly than some other less trained or capacious brains. Your liver ,on the other hand, does not given a f*lip and will be becoming damaged whether or not this construct exists (also brain, heart, gullet, tongue, breasts and all the other organs you are currently melting).
I find this a fascinating and (literally) sobering concept.
The level you are drinking at is life threatening. Alcohol is a poison. It takes no prisoners. Being addicted is not shameful or a failure. IMHO, becoming a mother and then failing to honour the commitment you have made to your kids by not at least trying to accept and address the problem is more of a failure.

OP, you're getting such a hard time for mentioning your salary but I get it: it's relevant. Your salary is indicative of the high power/high stress/high demand nature of your job and although I can hardly imagine not being able to eat or have a pee day in, day out, that is the nature of your working day and your salary is the "reward". Totally get that. You weren't bragging, just trying to add context.

However, I think you're starting to realise that this lifestyle just isn't sustainable. And I'm not just talking about the drinking. Good luck with it all, and I hope you manage to make some changes.

OP, I think what job you do is relevant. Please elaborate, even if it's vague. I'm trying to think of one job where you can't go to the toilet and I'm struggling.

Oh, some of you, give over. It's perfectly possible to drink a bottle of wine a night and NOT be hungover or over the limit the next day. It all depends on how fast your body copes with alcohol and what time you finish the wine. It's different for everyone.

That said, OP, it's not a longterm solution to your stress. Especially with 2 young kids. It's much better to sort this out now while you're realising there is an issue rather than crossing the line to functioning and then non functioning alcoholic.

I live in an area full of "you's" op (iygwim) and it's not unusual at all. Neither is it unusual for the spouse of the hard working, high earner to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. But you and your kids deserve better than that and you know it.

According to the NHS it takes on average 1 hour per unit although there may be variations due to physical factors. A damaged liver will take longer. A bottle of wine has 9 units so at best OP may just have sobered up.

www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/853.aspx?CategoryID=87

But your body starts processing the alcohol from the moment you start drinking it. It's not a case of going to bed at 11pm and your body then processes all 9 units. Plus, it's 6-9 units, depending on the wine. I have a police grade breathaliser* and I've never tested over the limit the next day, even after a bottle of wine.

• I have it because we have older teenagers and I won't allow anyone to drink drive from my home. I'm a big pain in my kids' ass!

OP, I think that every alcoholic on the planet has a time when they realise, even secretly, that they may be crossing the line. I suspect that's where you're at. Perhaps start with Dry January. Or Dry January 6th?

I really sympathise OP! I totally understand the mindset and rationalisation you describe - about working so hard that you haven't got time to we or eat; and how you feel that once the mad working day is over you've almost earned the moral right to relax as hard as you can.

I have never earned 300k p/a (in fact I've never earned 30k p/a!) but my days are often like that and I have worked like that for long stretches over the past ten years or so. At my worst I used to drink an absolute, unwavering, bare minimum of 1.5 bottles of wine a night, every single night, without fail - that was if I had work the next day. If I had a day off the next day, it was more. I did that for years (and I never missed a single day at work, and I was never late - not even once - so I know it can be done).

The whole time I was drinking like that, I attributed it to my job: the crazy hours! The stress! The limited downtime! Then one thing in my life changed (not my job, but my living arrangements: I went from living with housemates to living alone) and I literally forgot, overnight, that I "needed" or "wanted" a drink. I realised one day that I hadn't had a drink for 2 weeks. I had been drinking to self medicate and to manage unbearable stress all along, but in my case, the stress wasn't coming from where I thought it was coming from. I work in the same industry now and I do still drink, but I drink maybe 1.5 bottles a week as opposed to 11 or 12 bottles a week.

I'm not sure what I'm saying, really! I think I just wanted to chime in to say that you're not alone and that change is possible. If you genuinely do think that work stress is at the root of your drinking and you do want to change it, then I guess you have two options: either find another way of handling work stress (eg running, as suggested upthread, or maybe swimming or yoga or something); or quit your job/find another one, even if it does pay less than 300k

Sorry op nothing useful to add, havn't read the whole thread.

You sound like a very smart lady who knows you are drinking far too much.

You have found the problem and know you need to start making the steps to change it.

I wish you and you lovely family nothing but the best. Remember your money/wine and all your material things will not be sad when you have gone, it will be your family. They are what's most important

If you think damaging your body until your organs can't sustain your body anymore & leaving your dc behind is a good trade, then yeah, keep kidding yourself.

I understand where you are coming from. A year ago I was working full time in a responsible job, I was studying a post grad degree for which my research won academic awards, I was a single parent to a toddler. I was also drinking two bottles of wine a night and somehow felt I deserved it.

Alcohol issues are progressive soon one bottle won't be enough. The truth was I didn't deserve it, I deserve so much more than functioning in a constantly hungover, guilty haze. I am receiving outpatient treatment and I have been alcohol free for 8 months. I still have a lot of the stresses but they are manageable now and I just don't have much to escape from any more. This is a big scary issue that ultimately can kill you but you know that. I would urge you to try and get some outside help because no matter how successful or intelligent you are sometimes problems are too big to handle on our own.

I hope things work out for you

Good luck with whatever path you decide to follow.

I'm on the Dry January thread. It's a wonderfully warm and cosy thread as we coach each other through our 'witching' hour on a daily basis.
Both DH and I have given up for January. He works in a v pressurised job where drinking is almost obligatory. He's finding it much easier to do at the moment, because other colleagues have given up this month, too.

So... Do it this month, and you can disappear into the masses of 'Dry January's'

I think this thread is a wake up call for many of us. I have been on sick leave at home after surgery and been easily having 2-4 units per day and have started smoking again. I restart work and I know it's easy to come through door pour large wine and decompress with a cig in garden. If I can stick to 2 fags and 2 units per day even that would be good! Op I wish you luck and keep us posted this is not going to change overnight

Just a heads up. My mil worked crazy hours and earned up to 1.2 million per year. She travelled business and first class all over the world whilst working. The toll her lifestyle has taken on her health is extraordinary. She too would drink a bottle a night to unwind as she found her life immeasurably hard as she was keeping the whole family going (stay at home dad with expensive hobbie, like Yachts).
She nearly went bankrupt due to profligacy of her husband. Oh, and the bottle of wine per night? No problem when she could still get up at 4am and go long distance swimming or rowing, but as soon as she got a knee injury, she went from 60kg to 100kg in 3 years.

She now has heart and digestive problems at 61, has diabetes and is going to have to have a major op soon due to problems from history of too much drink and weight. She cannot drink ever again. She was never alcoholic and never drank before 6 unless at a business lunch. But she was a bottle of wine a day person.
She spends lol day stuck in the house due to her illness and problems with her feet (diabetes)and has memory and coordination problems that means that this formerly intelligent and organised woman now depend on her son to dos invoke things, like sort out bills and speak to utilities companies, as she get confused.
A shit life, really.