AIBU not to be thrilled my 18 year daughter has got engaged?

[Petradreaming]

My daughter and her boyfriend of 2 years have announced they are engaged. I am furious a bit undecided about it.They are both 18. They say they want to get married in 2 years.

She is a great kid, has just started full time work, did well in college, has started driving lessons and wants to travel. He is lazy somewhat different. No inclination to get a job, stays on his playstation all day and is just so bloody drippy. Not to drip feed, he moved in with us during the summer ( long story) and now I feel probably correctly that I have enabled this latest development.

I was hoping she was out growing him. He is a nice enough lad but shows no gumption. I don't want her shackled to someone without ambition or any get up and go. At the moment, I am trying to be very relaxed and 'accepting' of it all.. but I really want to scream very loudly that they are getting married over my dead body.

AIBU?

'Your dad and I have decided that since you've made the adult decision to be engaged, it's time to start being adults. You will both need to contribute to the household financially and by doing assigned chores. Ithe real world, people have to pay rent and bills. We can no longer afford to have an extra adult here living for free. So we have decided that everyone will leave the house when the last person leaves for work until we are all working jobs at least 6 months. Now let's start discussing those chores and how you will budget for your first place to live together.'

Can I add that it would be pretty hard for them to split up while they're living under your roof.

Your OH could also have the "stern father" chat with him, outwardly jokingly, but with an undercurrent of reality - you know, the "and how do you propose to support my daughter, eh?" chat. That could be interesting!

I was just going to say what expat has written more eloquently than me.

I would absolutely react to the engagement and use it as a way to raise the money and living situation. Say you now expect a contrbution as they are grown ups now.

I have a secret love for "hotel of mum and dad" and one thing I have decided against is ever letting my DCs' girlfriends or boyfriends move in with us.

I too think the best thing you can do is get them to move out together and shoulder the living costs. This may focus your DD's mind on his lack of work ethic and show her what "real life" is going to be like.

DH and I met when very young, he asked me to marry him when I was 17, six days after we met! I was very anti marriage so this didn't happen for a number of years, however I knew even then he was a kind, hard working, generous man and still love him very very much over two decades later. My parents thought we were too young but couldn't fault him as a boyfriend though and this I think is the crucial difference.

It's only natural I think to want someone who you will know will "look after" your DC (I don't mean in a monetary way), my parents recognised this in DH and I'm very very glad that they were never negative about him even though they urged me to wait before marrying as I was very young

. I agree that you don't want to push her into a situation where she feels like she cannot "back down" so I would very much stick to "congratulations! When you find a flat or house to rent we will buy you some new xxxxxxx to celebrate". Which areas were you thinking of and have you discussed how you will each fund your share of the rent and bills?"

I think it's key to support their decision to live an adult life, as long as they realise what adult life actually is and they won't whilst they are living in your house and being funded by you.

Sit them both down with OH. Congratulate them on their engagement. Say that obviously they are serious about a future together, so there needs to be a discussion about their plans about moving towards independence; continuing the current living situation isn't sustainable. In the short-term they need to contribute equally in terms of costs and chores. Then open the discussion up for their suggestions about how this might be achieved.

I wouldn't go on about the big day or wedding or anything. It will make it even harder to back out. I would also say he should pay his way now and any work will do. He can sell his games etc can't he? If he's skint. Ask her if she wants to stay and the bf move out and live alone for a bit - or they find somewhere to rent together with a 6 month break clause. But don't start buying them stuff to make it comfy. Make sure it's simply furnished as well. She may get bored playing house.

California is a great idea. book a ticket for you and her, say it's a treat, and she stays longer. Ensure the uncle is onside and introduces her to lots of people and maybe even a job offer..

I think you need to stop tryingto be peacemaker it is your husands house too maybe your dd needs to see her dad annoyance

In your circumstances, YAVDNBU.

However, I just want to respond to the idea that getting married young is a bad idea, full stop. I was 19 when I met my husband. He was 25. We were both students. We effectively started living together within a few weeks of starting to go out together and were engaged shortly after that. I was 21 when we got married, and still a student. That was 32 years ago and it's been great. I know of several other couples still together who met when they were about that age or even younger. So it can work.

The huge difference from your daughter's situation is that my husband is not a waster, and neither are any of the men in the other relationships I'm thinking of. My husband is a very hard worker and has been an absolutely brilliant life partner and father. I couldn't ask for a better role model for my children.