Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to be thrilled my 18 year daughter has got engaged?

109 replies

Petradreaming · 04/01/2015 10:20

My daughter and her boyfriend of 2 years have announced they are engaged. I am furious a bit undecided about it.They are both 18. They say they want to get married in 2 years.

She is a great kid, has just started full time work, did well in college, has started driving lessons and wants to travel. He is lazy somewhat different. No inclination to get a job, stays on his playstation all day and is just so bloody drippy. Not to drip feed, he moved in with us during the summer ( long story) and now I feel probably correctly that I have enabled this latest development.

I was hoping she was out growing him. He is a nice enough lad but shows no gumption. I don't want her shackled to someone without ambition or any get up and go. At the moment, I am trying to be very relaxed and 'accepting' of it all.. but I really want to scream very loudly that they are getting married over my dead body.

AIBU?

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 04/01/2015 12:57
  • has taken advantage
christmaspies · 04/01/2015 12:59

Jeff - it may be the dds life but she and her boyfriend are being financially supported by the op so I think she's got every right to 'butt in'

Mrsjayy · 04/01/2015 12:59

Dds boyfriend was like that he lives at t home thankfully he was at college left college at college left college sigh had a 10hr contract in shop meanwhile dd did her degree has 2 jobs 1 is freelance so she keeps her supermarket job going for now. The boyfriend just started a fulltime job recently they have been together years his apathy didn't stop her iyswim
I know you are in a different situation as he lives with you what does your daughter say about him dossing about? Stop indulging them you can do it kindly but say to your dd you can't support them for much longer. Who buys his playstation games and clothes and whatnot if he has no money

RoastitBubblyJocks · 04/01/2015 13:06

Well, I think you need to financially strangle this, they need to move out, pay rent, and know they need to pay for their wedding alone.

That way, on just her wages there won't be anything left to save towards the wedding, she will get fed up with him xboxing all day and voila!

Anomaly · 04/01/2015 13:10

The work situation with the lad cant continue. I'm shocked you've let it go on so long. I would talk to your daughter 'in confidence' and ask her advice about him and his work situation. She's an adult she must know adults have to work to support themselves. You could phrase it to say that you have been wanting to tackle the situation for a while and now find it more awkward because you don't want him to think you're against the engagement.

I would be vary careful about being too supportive of their engagement. So no engagement party as it just makes it a bigger deal than it is. I would definitely encourage either of them to travel or even go on holiday together.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 04/01/2015 13:13

Another thing to consider is what sort of person your DD is - is she a "rescuer"? Does she have a thing for "lame dogs"? My sister is, and that was another thing that made her cling to hers. She didn't want to "let him down" or follow everyone else's path of thinking he was a loser (he was). She wanted to be the one to support him, to champion him etc.

The next one she picked wasn't a lot better but at least he did accept help and got a decent job!

HellKitty · 04/01/2015 13:15

I wouldn't go overboard with how pretendy happy you are either. No engagement party, no fuss. I would put it to your dd about the money situation and how 'tight' it's getting. He needs to work, end of. I would also push for them to move out - to stand on their own feet.

And take her to IKEA on a Sunday afternoon. Hopefully the screaming toddlers will put her off a pregnancy just yet.

Chunderella · 04/01/2015 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lomega · 04/01/2015 13:20

At 18 I could have been your daughter in the situation described. At 21 I womanned up and LTB because I'd finished university, wanted to move out and find fulltime work etc and - guess what - my lazy ass bf at the time "couldn't find work" and worried that we "couldn't afford it". He spent all of his spare time and money on his computers and Warhammer/Games Workshop shite (literally hundreds of pounds a month) and so leaving him was the best thing I ever did. Your daughter will probably find that once stuff gets real (like saying you need them to move out in 6 months as a pp suggested) her boyfriend will shirk the responsibility if he's as lazy and drippy as you say he is.
You never know, it could go the other way and he might surprise you!

MostHighlyFlavouredLady · 04/01/2015 13:23

OP, high achievers often need a supportive other with little ambition of their own for them to be able to offer the flexibility required for them to achieve. 2 ambitious people in a relationship can mean an awful lot more compromise requirements. 2 years is a lifetime away given their ages and ability to save for a wedding. I wouldn't be worrying too much.

Original poster
Petradreaming · 04/01/2015 13:25

DD does have a very kindly nature... she is quite a sensitive girl, works within the care industry etc. She can tend to over empathise . My OH is her dad. We have been together since we were 22, were living together for 2 years before getting engaged. Had DD a year after we were married. He does get really annoyed with the boyfriend just lying about the house the whole time. I am a bit of a peacemaker though.... do tend to try to calm things down... so I guess I am a soft touch. I am horrified that it has come to this and I know I need to be tougher on the job/money front but don't want to have it seem that it is a reaction to the engagement which it absolutely is. So I need to tread carefully. I must be simpleminded. Why did I not see that this would happen... I have allowed them to get to close and too comfortable and just thought 'she'll out grow him'..

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 04/01/2015 13:27

Why on earth is he living in your house sponging off you?!

I think you need to carry on as normal to all intents and purposes and that includes telling waster boy to pay his way. Talk to your daughter first and explain that you need him to make a contribution. Then start making plans for her that don't include him. If he can't pay he can't come. End of debate.

"X, it has been months now that you have been living here and you need to start making a contribution. If you are grown up enough to marry dd you are grown up enough to support yourself."

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 04/01/2015 13:28

Why not have a reaction to the engagement? He needs to grow the fuck up and you need to stop babying him.

They're not actually going to get married because they have no money so no need to have a big show down about that, but the engagement can still be a catalyst for change.

BertieBotts · 04/01/2015 13:29

I do think if you express your worry you will push her away. But I wonder if you should let/encourage OH to be a bit more forward with his opinion. If she has a good relationship with her dad it might make her think twice to realise that he doesn't approve of her fiancé.

WipsGlitter · 04/01/2015 13:30

I don't think its unreasonable to ask him to start contributing to the house. Just be careful she doesn't end up paying his "share" as well as her own.

Do they go out, have a social life etc?

Your daughter maybe sees you as a role model as you were married young too.

Roussette · 04/01/2015 13:32

It might be difficult getting a job but it sounds like the bf isn't prepared to stick at anything (I think you said you'd got him three jobs which he just gave up).

I would get your DH to have a 'man to man' chat with him. Be clever. He should offer lukewarm congratulations and say that obviously they now have a marriage on the cards in a couple of years, he will now need to start his 'career' and get a foot on the property ladder (rented or bought!) and your DH should then ask what his plans are for the future, bearing in mind he intends to marry his daughter?

It might be enough to put the frighteners on him and it might fizzle out.

I have a DD with an ambitionless (but lovely) pretty hopeless lad for over a year now (3 jobs last year which he left) , so Petra you have my sympathies, this could be me posting!

VenusRising · 04/01/2015 13:33

Kick him out, and let your DS decide what she will.
Fwiw, I'd laugh in her face and let her know on no uncertain terms that she's crazy to accept her, in effect ,sibling you've had under your roof.

Sounds like this boy is a baby.
I'd fight for her, and also encourage her to widen her social circle. Where are her friends? What do they say?

Have you a sister you could send her to. Make sure your sis is on board to split them up by showing her lots of different realities, and having good chats about being tied to a baby manchild and how limiting it would be.

18 is not a fully functioning adult imvho, (yeah I know legally she is yadda yadda) and if she's anyway reasonable she'll agree to a break.

But I'd definitely evict the freeloader, and tell your DD why. Make a list at how crap he is and read it to her, ask her if she's ready to put up with that now, and how unlikely he'll change. Does she really want a dependent at this early stage, and how unlikely he is to change?

I feel for you, but I'd fight for her future.

Chunderella · 04/01/2015 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VenusRising · 04/01/2015 13:34

DD

Mrsjayy · 04/01/2015 13:39

It is hard to get a job but he isn't even bothered really it is time to stop feeling sorry for him I think

Groovee · 04/01/2015 13:40

My dad told me he was unhappy that I was engaged at 19. But 18 years on dh and I are still together.

Telling them can mean the opposite. My work colleague was with a guy from when she was 16, then at 30 she suddenly woke up and left him then. She's done so well since she left him, but she needed to work out for herself before she could move on. X

christmaspies · 04/01/2015 13:45

Groovee maybe the dd needs to work it out for herself but she's never going to while her dp are making it so cushy for the dd and her bf

Original poster
Petradreaming · 04/01/2015 13:45

The age thing would bother me in any case but my major concern is that she will end up living with a waster for the rest of her life. If they were 18 and in their first year at University, with a solid education behind them both and prospects for the future, I would still be concerned at the age but less so. I was 22 when I met my OH, he was 20. When the DD was born, he was just 23 and I 25... we were young and in many ways we grew up together. It was bloody hard work. Arguments and tantrums and general young 20's lunacy. We both went through a phase of ' what if' in our 30's and again that was tough. But we survived and have a good marriage. The one thing we didn't really have to worry about though was money. We both worked. Hard. I still have 2 jobs on the go. We bought our first house before we got married ( though I know with house prices round here its unlikely DD would do this anytime soon, even with her full time job)... I am horrified that she will end up married to a freeloader.

OP posts:
christmaspies · 04/01/2015 13:56

you've got to toughen up. i also have a dd who has been with a freeloader boyfriend for about 5 years. He has jfinailly got his first job since leaving uni 5 years ago whereas my dd has worked hard during the same period and supported them both on a minimum wage. In the past I have always been happy to give my dd some financial support if necessary I have gradually withdrawn it because the support I have given her has meant I have also in effect been supporting a boyfriend who didn't want to work, didn't sign on and seemed to stay in bed most of the day.

He is now doing an honest days work and seems to be sticking to it although has a very negative and irritating attitude to work which is basically that the state is exploitative and employment should be an option rather than a neccessity.

JenniferGovernment · 04/01/2015 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread