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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to be thrilled my 18 year daughter has got engaged?

109 replies

Petradreaming · 04/01/2015 10:20

My daughter and her boyfriend of 2 years have announced they are engaged. I am furious a bit undecided about it.They are both 18. They say they want to get married in 2 years.

She is a great kid, has just started full time work, did well in college, has started driving lessons and wants to travel. He is lazy somewhat different. No inclination to get a job, stays on his playstation all day and is just so bloody drippy. Not to drip feed, he moved in with us during the summer ( long story) and now I feel probably correctly that I have enabled this latest development.

I was hoping she was out growing him. He is a nice enough lad but shows no gumption. I don't want her shackled to someone without ambition or any get up and go. At the moment, I am trying to be very relaxed and 'accepting' of it all.. but I really want to scream very loudly that they are getting married over my dead body.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BlackDaisies · 04/01/2015 10:49

That must be really frustrating. You need to work on getting them to leave your house. At the moment he has no incentive to change things. I think you should be blunt really, and say you simply can't afford another adult in your house (kindly), sit them down and give them a timeframe to move out. Maybe offer a deposit on a flat? I think my priority in your position would be to get him out of your house, so that he has an incentive to find work and pay his way.
As for what to say to your daughter, when I was in a bad relationship my mum alternately ignored it/ "smiled and nodded" and criticised him (which annoyed me). Looking back I think her best tactic would have been to say "it worries me that xyz, but I want you to know I'll always ne here for you." Because that way I'd have heard the worries, but not felt stressed about having to act on it. I used to feel trapped, but criticism would exacerbate that feeling.
I know she's not alarmed by him yet, but living with him without your support for his lazy life style will probably open her eyes a bit.

mrspremise · 04/01/2015 10:50

I got engaged when I was about you daughter's age to a boy man I'd been dating for 5 months. We now been married for 14 years, have two beautiful sons , steady jobs and a home of our own. Sometimes it's just right... even if photos from our honeymoon look like they're from a school trip Wink

WeAllHaveWings · 04/01/2015 10:52

Not much you can do about the engagement other than congratulate them.

Although i would be giving him a time limit for moving out, tell him hes had 6 months already and it was never intended to be permanent and he's got 3 months to move on. She won't see how lazy/useless he is while you are enabling it.

TheLovelyBoots · 04/01/2015 10:53

I'd be incredibly unhappy too. You have a perfect excuse to discuss his moving plans - a new year. Sorry OP. Flowers

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 04/01/2015 10:55

I got engaged at 18. I was pregnant at 19 and while I love my DP (who thankfully works very hard and we're both full time uni students too) and DD, I do feel I rushed into getting engaged.

GaryShitpeas · 04/01/2015 10:57

Yanbu

Omg I WAS your daughter and I wish my mum and dad had tried to put me off my loser waste of space

He even stopped me going away to uni, I went in my home town instead but dropped out after a year

I was way too good for him in every way. I was divorced from him and a single parent by the Time I was 27 having wasted my 20s on him

Please show your dd my post and tell her to think hard!!!

I can't even say I'm happy now tbh as made so many bad decisions in my 20s because of him, that my life now I'm in my 30s is worse for it!!!!

expatinscotland · 04/01/2015 10:59

The enabling him to lodge at yours for free and do nowt has to stop.

I would not be so upset at the engagement at that age so much as I would be about my child with a lazy, unemployed adult who plays consoles all day.

Time to set some time limits for them to move out and also a chores rota for both and lodging money.

Hatespiders · 04/01/2015 11:03

My friend's grandson did this. He lodged with his gf's parents, paid a tiny amount for his keep and lounged around on his Xbox all day. His gf qualified as an accountant and that's when the cracks began to appear. Her parents were overly fond if this lad and treated him like their own son, which didn't help. Eventually the two were more like 'friends' than a couple, and at the end, the girl finished with him. She'd saved an enormous sum of money from her work and wanted to get on the property ladder. He of course, could contribute nothing and she resented this. Her parents were very upset, but she sensibly stayed firm. He left, sank into depression but recovered, and is now 'lodging' with a divorced woman with 2 young children. He has a casual job but is basically a waste of space.
Your dd will probably come to resent her bf's lack of ambition too op. Things will change in a while.

lavenderhoney · 04/01/2015 11:08

I'd be a bit miffed too. I'm sure she knows how you feel but it's a bit difficult for her what with him living in the house now- her home. She probably feels responsible for him and he will have no where to go, no job. She has no space to think and be at peace alone.

Re her job, sit down with her and go through your career plans/ and then naturally hers- chance for travel with work? A secondment? What's her next step? Next company move.. Does she fqncy uni? Or doing open university?
She could join the local women in business and go networking.

And say you've always fancied a big trip and what about seeing NY with you or soemthing. Don't take him. And if you ask them to pay rent, which I would, I expect she will pay his half. And food etc, and bills, clothes, and do you have any friends with daughters that age who aren't engaged but happy and good lives? Introduce them- she needs to see reality. At the moment it's just a fairy tale.

Trills · 04/01/2015 11:09

He probably sensed that she was outgrowing him and knew that she wouldn't be able to resist the romantic gesture of a proposal.

MrsTawdry · 04/01/2015 11:09

When I was in a similar position, my Mum quietly encouraged me to broaden my horizons. She practically MADE me visit London alone to stay with my brother and it really made me see there was more to life.

Rainbowshine · 04/01/2015 11:12

Could you have a conversation with her about what their long term plans are, e.g. Have they discussed having children, what's the long term plan for somewhere to live, those "big" issues that are part of an adult relationship rather than the "romantic young dream " that someone loves you enough to be engaged?
That may wake her up to look at this beyond the wedding day and have those conversations with him, which may determine whether it will work between them or not.

Some of my friends were ready for a marriage at that age, I was far too immature but liked the idea of being engaged as it was a grown up thing to do and I was an adult wasn't I!?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 04/01/2015 11:13

I would want my dc to meet someone with the same aspersions.

I think 18 is way to young to get married. Rarely it works out but the majority don't.

He sounds a bit like a cock lodger.

IAmAllImportant · 04/01/2015 11:13

My DD got engaged at 18 and married at 19. I didn't want her to, but after just once saying I thought she was too young and I would prefer her to wait, I pasted on the smile and wished them well.

She had a beautiful wedding day, so very her. He loves her to bits and treats her like a princess.

He is a grafter though, has a trade and his parents are fabulous role models of how to do marriage the right way, so a better bet than your DD's F.

You have to do the same though, as you risk pushing her to cling more to him and cut you off otherwise!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2015 11:13

Petra. I'd be furious too.

I'd talk to her about your worries, but as others have said, carefully. Tell her exactly what you are worried about, be brutal, but then say that it's her life, her decision, but you are there for her should she see sense realise it's not right for her, it's never too late to change her mind.

I agree with giving them a date, such as Easter, to move out by. (Make it clear she is welcome to come back on her own, anytime, but that you feel a couple should have their own place).

Between now and Easter they need to give you x per week to put by for them so they have a deposit on a flat & first months rent.

I don't know if you've ever said or it's assumed you'd pay for her wedding, but if so, I'd tell them that won't be happening until she's at least 25.

Any friends children going travelling - mention it. Any magazines/papers with travel in it, leave them lying around.

Good luck.

Indantherene · 04/01/2015 11:16

I was engaged at 19 and married at 20, and we have been married 31 years.

I wish somebody had sat us down separately and asked us what we wanted out of life. I was so caught up in the romance of it all it really didn't occur to me that actually he had zero ambition and our life would not go as I was expecting.

I wouldn't have taken any notice of my parents or grandparents. Is there anyone outside the family she really trusts that could do that?

Original poster
Petradreaming · 04/01/2015 11:27

We have already planned a trip in Spring ( I mean me & DD) along with her Godmother.. so I am hoping a week on the road in France will re ignite the travel bug... I am also thinking of sending encouraging her to visit her uncle in California... I need to think of a reason why the BF can't go as well though.... Basically I want to show her as much as I can without him tagging along. I will sit him down today though and discuss his work plans with him and put a time limit on it.

OP posts:
BlackDaisies · 04/01/2015 11:33

Surely the reason for him not going to California would be cost? Unless he has savings. Or would his parents pay? Could you ask her uncle to drop her a line and actually invite her? (On her own?)

expatinscotland · 04/01/2015 11:33

Have someone point out the Relationship boards to her. Not a week goes by without some woman who hitched her star to a lazy loser like this, then had a child (or more) with him, who never changes.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/01/2015 11:35

expat

the danger in that is she may also find the "my mother doesn't like my DH" threads.

christmaspies · 04/01/2015 11:39

Op what is he living on if he hasn't got a job? Does he claim benefits and if so is he claiming for board and lodgings with you (I don't know much about the benefit system and if he can) or is you dd paying for him and giving him an allowance?

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 04/01/2015 11:41

YANBU - my parents felt the same if not worse when my sister got engaged to her boyfriend at 18; except that they'd only been together 5 weeks at the time. My mum tried to change my sister's mind, but as you know, opposition at that age only makes them more stubborn; so Mum said "at least wait 6m and if you're still of the same mind, we'll give you our blessing".
6m came - still together - engagement was official. Boyfriend was also a bit of a deadbeat and, although we didn't realise, sis was starting to realise that Mum might have been right. But - she'd fought so hard to get this engagement recognised that she didn't know how to get out of it.

Fortunately for her, 2 years later he cheated and she broke it off. She then confided in me that she was so relieved to have got out of it without having to "lose face" in front of mum and dad - dreadful situation for her to put herself in!!

So don't oppose it too much, don't make her stubborn and have to fight to get it accepted, just in case.

TheNewStatesman · 04/01/2015 11:51

"She is 18 years old. It is her life and I suggest you butt out."

What on earth is that supposed to me? The OP wasn't trying to ban the damn marriage--she was expressing her feelings on a private forum. I don't blame her for being pretty dismayed.

MyFirstName · 04/01/2015 11:56

I would feel the same. But agree with many other PP Do not object obviously to DD or drippy boyfriend will seem more attractive*. Whether through trying to defend him, her choice, her independence, to want forbidden fruit - whatever the reason - if you criticise him/the engagement it will increase in allure.

Like others, I would be encourage forcing them to move out so either he can shape up or she can see his true colours in her own time.

My father did a similar thing when I was 16 and seeing a chap he hated - kept inviting him back to the house, opening his home to deadbeat bf. If I had been "banned" from seeing him I would have fought tooth and nail. As it was I saw him regularly, with "blessing" of my parents and he lost his appeal fairly quickly.

Glitterytwigsnshit · 04/01/2015 11:58

YANBU but be subtle in your efforts otherwise you will just end up pushing her towards him.

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