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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to be thrilled my 18 year daughter has got engaged?

109 replies

Petradreaming · 04/01/2015 10:20

My daughter and her boyfriend of 2 years have announced they are engaged. I am furious a bit undecided about it.They are both 18. They say they want to get married in 2 years.

She is a great kid, has just started full time work, did well in college, has started driving lessons and wants to travel. He is lazy somewhat different. No inclination to get a job, stays on his playstation all day and is just so bloody drippy. Not to drip feed, he moved in with us during the summer ( long story) and now I feel probably correctly that I have enabled this latest development.

I was hoping she was out growing him. He is a nice enough lad but shows no gumption. I don't want her shackled to someone without ambition or any get up and go. At the moment, I am trying to be very relaxed and 'accepting' of it all.. but I really want to scream very loudly that they are getting married over my dead body.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hatespiders · 04/01/2015 11:59

I do hope the lad won't use emotional blackmail if your dd decides to end their engagement. My friend's gs did this; threatened suicide and all sorts. The poor gf was terribly worried about him, and torn, which was so unfair. He sounds very dependent on your dd.

ElleyBear13 · 04/01/2015 12:02

Hello I'm going to put a different spin on this :)

I got engaged at 18 blush, married at 23 (now 25) and I've lived with my in-laws since 17 when I was chucked out of my family home moved out of my parents. My hubby was slightly on similar lines when i met him, bad grades re-sitting exams, loved his computer games abit to much didn't have any real plans for the future apart from enjoying himself. However we both went to different unis knuckled down, received honors got jobs, lost jobs, re-studied and found work, tied the knot, fell pregnant, lost the baby, rented, holidayed and generally grew up together and in that time you wouldn't think the man who supported me through all of it was the same boy i met at 17.

People change, grow up and develop and through this it'll either keep them together or pull them apart but there's no way of knowing what the future can or will bring. I think the best thing for you too do is to be there for your daughter, tell her your concerns but explain you'll support her whatever her decision. I think as your future-son-in-law he may need a bit of a kick up the backside, perhaps sit them down with college/uni prospectus/agency work/ job center leaflets, start asking for rent (even if you don't use it yourself you can always put it in a saving for a rainy day). Either way this is part of growing up, and the relationship will go one of two ways as time goes on. Hope your daughter works out what she wants and her future is a happy one.

Original poster
Petradreaming · 04/01/2015 12:02

The lad doesn't work and doesn't claim benefits. Even the child benefit his mother continued to claim when he was living here at the age of 17, didn't make its way to me... but thats by the by. He is effectively living of us. My OH is pretty incensed by that & I suspect I have not helped by 'keeping the peace' and making sure my DD was happy. I know I have enabled this.. and I know that I need to stop. I guess I just need to find a way to do it without pulling the rug completely as this could be seen as a reaction to the engagement and will make them cling.. I am so worried about doing something that can be seen as an obvious objection.. thus creating a 'love conquers all' situation. I remember what I was like at that age... it was all love songs and hearts... but I didn't get engaged at 18...Hmm

OP posts:
DaisyFlowerChain · 04/01/2015 12:04

YANBU, I'd be secretly gutted if DS got engaged at 18. I want him to live life, travel etc before settling down. At 18, you are still learning about yourself and it's far to soon to be getting married.

CocobearSqueeze · 04/01/2015 12:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Chippednailvarnish · 04/01/2015 12:12

You need to use some reverse psychology, throw them a big engagement party / moving out party. (After all if they are getting married they need to live together first).
Tell everyone you're really delighted that they are being so grown up, getting engaged and moving out... You might find that suddenly neither of them are so keen.

2015 · 04/01/2015 12:20

Sorry - haven't read every response so sorry if I'm repeating other posters.

Have they discussed when the want to get married. If they are planning to do it ASAP then I'd be horrified but if they are planning on waiting 5 years then I wouldn't mind half as much.

(BTW - I hope there is no sign of the engagement coming about because of pregnancy Shock )

dalekanium · 04/01/2015 12:21

Yes to encouraging them to travel together. That sorts the wheat from the chaff like nothing else.

What about a working holiday visa in New Zealand or Australia. You can work your way round visiting some amazing places and really suits the 'grafter' with their head screwed on types. The lazy ones usually come home early as it is all far too much effort :)

I can almost guarantee that a few months of dragging his deadweight round she will dump his sorry arse.

Chunderella · 04/01/2015 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsmorton · 04/01/2015 12:22

The moving out party pade me chuckle.

OP, YANBU and of course it's your business FFS, they live in your house for free!!

Maybe you could arrange some viewings for rental properties for them...

A tough issue for you. You sound great and your DD is lucky.

Nancy66 · 04/01/2015 12:26

is your daughter working or going away to uni?

If she does to university what happens to her boyfriend? He just stays with you?

I wouldn't be happy in your shoes either but I'd put good money on it all petering out anyhow.

RonaldMcDonald · 04/01/2015 12:26

Two years is ages. I was engaged three times, married once.
Let it play itself out and encourage her to see him in many stress situations

Mrsjayy · 04/01/2015 12:29

Yanbu id not be chuffed either id also stop the free bed and breakfast he needs to get off the playstation and get a job, you can support them through gritted teeth but its fine. I know a young couple who did this they married and seperated not even a year later in my judgey opinion I think the mothers getting the flags out organising their wedding for them pushed them together to marry to quick iyswim.

Mrsjayy · 04/01/2015 12:32

Btw ive been with my husband since we were 18 we are now mid40s so it can work but you need them out your house imo they seem to be to cosy and comfortable

MissDuke · 04/01/2015 12:35

I was your daughter once too. I was also a 'good' girl, and very close to my family. I was devastated when they expressed disapproval. I have never forgotten it! Husband mightn't have the best paid job in the world, but he has worked hard it in all these years and is well thought of, and we are still happily married now 16 years later :-) Don't push your daughter away op.

waithorse · 04/01/2015 12:40

Op, you sound very sensible and seen to be handling it well. .My eldest is only 8, but for what its worth I'd feel the same.

Mrsjayy · 04/01/2015 12:40

You could always say lovely dear what are your plans for after the wedding where will you stay you are being very soft id not have a boyfriend staying here for free you are spoiling them both stop it

CocobearSqueeze · 04/01/2015 12:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Petradreaming · 04/01/2015 12:49

This lad has no potential that I can see. If he had even a glimmer of hope I woukd forebear. He left school with zero qualifications...he went on to college to repeat and left after a term. I have helped find him 3 jobs....all of which he lost within weeks. I have offered to help him apply to apprenticeships but he doesnt 'like' the idea. I feel sorry for the boy.... but I am really worried about my DD being hitched to him for any length of time. :-(

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 04/01/2015 12:51

Where's her dad? Might seem like a random question and I am all for single parents but when I got engaged at 19 (and pregnant pretty much the same day, not planned like that but that's how it happened) it was, I didn't realise at the time, all tied up with my feeling of rejection by my dad.

(Am assuming OH is not her father, because of the way you've posted, he seems more detached, but correct me if I'm wrong! Would be interesting also to note his relationship with her if he's her stepfather.)

paulapantsdown · 04/01/2015 12:54

She is 18 years old. It is her life and I suggest you butt out.

What a rotten attitude Jeff! So, once your kids are technically adults, you take no interest in anything that happens? You don't try to guide them to a good path in life? You just "butt out" and let them get on with it as its not your concern? Feel sorry for your kids.

christmaspies · 04/01/2015 12:54

Sit down with them both and say that now they're engaged they need to plan for the future, starting with her boyfriend signing on for jobseekers allowance so that his NI is being credited. If he's really work averse rather than not able to find a job say that he could look for voluntary work which will show future employers that he has some work experience. You can tell them that you are only interested in their future happiness as they won' t want to live with you for ever.

Op this is not raining on their parade but rather it's a great opportunity for them and you to make some changes I you domestic arrangements. If you let it slide now it will be more difficult later on to ask for changes to m
Be made. It's one thing to support your own dd (who is working anyway) but quie another to let her boyfriend to live rent fre in your house. What does he do for pocket money? Do his parents give it to him?

BertieBotts · 04/01/2015 12:55

I agree stop helping them and encourage them to move out/charge rent, because the reality of playing happy families will hit them hard I think.

But let your DD know she is always welcome back whatever her circumstances if the relationship breaks down or she wants a break or whatever.

And please talk to her about contraception! I'm worried he might see babies as a free ticket to a house and benefits... not true but something that gets rolled out. Then she'll be stuck.

Thumbcat · 04/01/2015 12:57

I was engaged at 17 and married at 19 (it lasted 4 years) and I wish my mum had said something instead of just accepting it. I didn't really know what I was doing and was swept up by twat-ex's enthusiasm to get engaged, but I probably would have listened to a bit of gentle advice about there being no rush.

If they want a fancy wedding then maybe they'll be put off by the cost. Definitely don't offer to pay for any of it!

The main worry for me would be them having a baby. I didn't with my ex and am thankful that I never have to see him again and was able to start afresh, and still young, with no ties to him.

bunchoffives · 04/01/2015 12:57

You need to get the bf out asap.

Could you have a redundancy threat that means you now need to save as much as possible so he has to get a job or go home?

Also I've seen a poster say they chucked out their 18 DS every morning as they left for work to force them to find a job. No entry until the poster returned home. The DS had a job in 5 days. It's not really that hard to get a bar/cafe job.Bit harsh but depends how desperate you are.

You have been a bit soft - but boy your dd taken advantage and used you thoroughly.

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