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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have lost the rag with my dh? im sure i am but so fed up :(

115 replies

Pumpkaboo · 03/01/2015 19:27

Dh and I had tickets for a pantomime today, booked in November for our dc for Christmas. They were really looking forward to it, due to money and work hours we don't get to go out very often as a family. Dh insists he doesn't want to go and instead invites his 3 friends up to the cinema (they live 50 miles away in dh's home town) and for a piss up bite to eat Hmm i ask him wtf, the kids are really excited about going with both of us. Apparently he needs a break from "family life" to feel less "pressurised" Hmm fine, whatever. I'm not happy with this but we have to leave so I give his ticket to my mum instead, thankfully had no plans and could go at such short notice.

We go, the boys love it, though do wonder why daddy isn't there. I try to explain daddy is a bit busy and will try to come next time. I'm heading out with some friends tonight. (again, planned weeks ago, for a birthday) dh agreed to stay in with the kids but suddenly insists on a 'Lads night out' Hmm Angry rings me after the panto to tell me, won't budge on it as his friends travelled "all the way here", so our boys are having a sleepover at granny's tonight. Thankfully they have clothes and pjs there already and my mum doesn't mind having them.over, as doesn't want me to cancel a rare night out. I feel very guilty about this, he told them previously they could stay up late with him tonight, have some treats and watch Spiderman (they are obsessed). They were looking forward to a night in with their dad, dc1 even bought some hot chocolate with his Christmas money to share with his dad and brother :(

After the panto we have dinner at my mum's then I head home to get ready. Get home and dh and his friends are not in, but have left a fucking mess in the kitchen for me to tidy up. Take away containers splayed over the worktop, the sauce of whatever they have ordered dripped over the sides of the containers, wrappers not put in the bin, the fucking milk left out and in the living room there were empty beer bottles on the coffee table. My bathroom, which I scrubbed this morning, has shit round the toilet bowl and piss round the toilet seat. Fucking animals, even my dc don't leave it in this state.

This is so typical of that selfish prick, he does it all the time. With this, him cancelling on our dc and arranging a night out when he knew I was going out, I lost the fucking rag and sent him a text message telling him in sick of him cancelling on our dc when a more appealing offer comes along, he is a selfish shit and I am not his fucking skivvy :(

He replies with I'll deal with it when I come home. I tell him not to bother his arse. Fine, he replies.

I am so upset. Tbh its been like this for a while and the relationship is falling apart. I cant see us lasting much longer. He has never been violent or abusive, just got so lazy and selfish, expecting me to do everything and missing out on things with the kids.

I feel like just cancelling tonight and going bringing the hot chocolate to my mum's and drinking it with with my boys:( pathetic aren't I?

OP posts:
championnibbler · 03/01/2015 19:40

If you really want to divorce him - then i think you are perfectly entitled to do so.

Gruntfuttock · 03/01/2015 19:40

Well, do what you want to do tonight, whether that's going out with your friends or going to your mums. Be kind to yourself.

Oppugno · 03/01/2015 19:41

What a self absorbed wanker.

You and your children deserve better OP, much better than this. You deserve the basic needs of a relationship which you're not getting from him!

He is taking the piss, it's going to be hard but call him at his bluff. Get him to pack his shit and leave.

I wish you all the best, no one deserves to be treated like you have been and I'm angry for you.

Corygal · 03/01/2015 19:41

He's a bloody bad father to boot. The kids would be better off without him.

editthis · 03/01/2015 19:42

How awful. But please PLEASE don't clean it all up - he won't appreciate it or learn anything. Take a bit of time to get ready (with a lovely glass of Wine ideally, and some loud music) in your room (presumably they haven't fucked everything up in there?!), try to unwind a bit and then enjoy your night out. And HE is in charge of the children tomorrow. They must do something fun. (I would take photos of the mess too, to get it out of my system and show my friends on the night out!)

Your poor boys - the hot chocolate made me sad! But DON'T let his selfishness ruin your night out - it won't prove a point, you won't get it back. You'll feel better when you're dressed up and with your friends.

waithorse · 03/01/2015 19:43

He's a prick. Angry Hope you have a good night. Wine

RandomMess · 03/01/2015 19:45

He is abusive tbh - he deliberately arranged to go out on a night you already had in the diary for a long time as well as cancelling on the dc. That is completely putting you in your place.

Get your free legal advice and issue the divorce nisi on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

gamerchick · 03/01/2015 19:45

Man that hot chocolate thing upset me Sad poor bairns.

I really think from what you've said I would be telling him not to come back tonight. It sounds as if he wants you to do the finishing. . It's so cold.

comedycentral · 03/01/2015 19:45

I was just thinking of his big lads night out, I imagine there will be lots of selfies and all sorts of shit on social media I would be tempted to take photo's of the shit tip they left at your house and tag them in it on FB along with your DH.

3littlebadgers · 03/01/2015 19:47

My friend's partner is like this, and I hate seeing her go through it. Even more so I hate seeing her DCs go through it. Poor little things are being put right down on his priority list, and while I agree he should do something with them tomorrow, it would be heartbreaking if they picked up on his body language that he was only doing it out of duress. He needs a kick up the bum, but he needs it in such a way the kids aren't in a position to be let down again Thanks

RJnomore · 03/01/2015 19:47

Only go out if you want to, although it might do you good to be with friends and get this all out in real life too.

But don't let him back in, remember how angry you feel and how disappointed and upset your are for your sons and let that power you through getting shot of him.

I am quite tolerant really and I was incensed but not enough to think it was the end until I read the bit where you said he does this all the time. You and your little boys don't need let down continually. You matter.

Bartlebee · 03/01/2015 19:47

Leave his disgusting mess, go out & enjoy yourself & then get rid.

gamerchick · 03/01/2015 19:48

I don know what to say about the night out. I don't think I could enjoy myself. Maybe get a bag full of nibbles and going over to watch spiderman with kids and grandma. What a twat to let them down. I'm sorry man.

riverboat1 · 03/01/2015 19:49

God. I understand wanting to do stuff away from you/the kids sometimes with his friends, that's totally fine in my book. But he is going about it in all the wrong way. Promising the children things then pulling out at the last minute not once but twice, leaving the house in a total state for you to clear up....no, I wouldnt be putting up with that.

woowoo22 · 03/01/2015 19:51

Book a spa day for tomorrow... JOKE

YANBU. He sounds so so so selfish. What if your Mum had had plans, would you have been forced to cancel your night out? Selfish pig.

Get rid OP. Cannot believe you had to clean someone else's pee etc from the toilet, that is so disgusting.

ApocalypseThen · 03/01/2015 19:53

I understand wanting to do stuff away from you/the kids sometimes with his friends, that's totally fine in my book.

Yeah but you do this by negotiating something suitable with your partner, not by announcing your plans and then just assuming that they're available to look after the kids. The way he did it is a bald abdication of his responsibilities. He shouldn't feel free to assume that if he chooses to leave family life someone is is responsible by default.

HelenaVagBasket · 03/01/2015 19:54

Yanbu. He is a terrible husband and father.
So was my husband - I left him 1 month ago and feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

Original poster
Pumpkaboo · 03/01/2015 19:55

Thank you everyone. comedy that is a splendid idea and made me laugh :)

I feel so, so guilty for my boys. I realise I sound like a fucking martyr. But I do feel guilty. Why is that, it wasn't even me who let them down but I'm the one sobbing here for them?

Would it be completely twatish of me to go and watch Spiderman with them at my mums then meet my friends after?

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 03/01/2015 19:58

He is telling you in no uncertain terms that he has no love or respect for you or his sons.

You are not pathetic. You deserve so much better.

championnibbler · 03/01/2015 19:58

i think you should do whatever feels right for yourself tonight.
can you speak to your mum about all this?

Gruntfuttock · 03/01/2015 19:59

Like I said, you do what you want to do. Realising your marriage has ended is big. If you want to be with your children and mum, do that. If you want to go out with your friends do that.

Bakeoffcakes · 03/01/2015 20:00

I agree with everyone else- he's a selfish prick. I can't believe anyone would let down their children like that, after promising he would spend the play with themSad

LTB or actually kick him out.

Romeyroo · 03/01/2015 20:01

Sounds like you need TLC from your mum and a cuddle with DC; maybe then decide about going out?

Romeyroo · 03/01/2015 20:02

And definitely show him the door.

comedycentral · 03/01/2015 20:02

I think Spiderman and the night out is a great idea. When everyone is sober I do think it's time to confront your husband and start the ball rolling for separation. None of you are happy by the sound of things. Life is way to short & precious.