To wonder whether many parents encourage their child to marry a wealthy person?

[eeeeker]

An acquaintance of mine, whom I've known for years, has a daughter who is in her early twenties.

Since her DD was very little, the mum has been absolutely adamant that the DD would marry someone wealthy and in a way brainwashed her child into thinking this herself.

Her DD is now married to a man in his early forties and they have a baby together. The husband owns a business and has a huge barn converstion and seems fairly well off.

The mum goes on all the time on Facebook and in person about how well her daughter has done for herself and seems to live through her DD; she posts photos of her DD's house, furniture, clothes, Louis Vuitton bags etc, and when her DD and her husband go on holiday the mum does statuses about it every day, posting links on FB to the plush resorts that they have gone to.

I guess I just think it's a bit odd the way this mum has essentially groomed her DD to "marry well". I don't know the DD very well but I'm not sure that she is necessarily that happy being married to a much older man whilst her friends are out having fun.

AIBU to wonder whether it's quite common for people to encourage their child to marry someone wealthy? Is it something that anyone on here does?

I think the "marrying well" concept has long since died, but on the other hand, as a single woman myself, financial compatibility is important to me. I would never become involved with a man who was not financially stable himself, or bounced from job to job, or thought he could live off me. I've worked hard to get what I have, and I have no intention of losing everything just for a relationship.

We see too many posts on this site, and even have a word for them 'cocklodgers' that people get involved with, then end up in misery. I think that warning your child away from these types of people and to value themselves is relationship is good parenting.

Well OP, I certainly hope that both my DC will marry partners with similar education and financial expectations as their own.

However, given that they will be quite wealthy in their own right, I'm far more worried about free-loaders targeting them than the other way round.

I think it is very usual for parents to want their DC to find partners who have been brought up with similar lifestyle expectations.

FWIW I think parents need to butt out of their DCs' lives and let them make major decisions without parental influence!

I have always made my own money apart from brief gaps when dd and ds where small babies, it would not have been a consideration of mine to look for a man with 'money', I could always find my own, therefore have married twice for love and not status, the second time happily!

I had a friend who used to strongly encourage me to go for men with money but it was not really my scene, I last saw her four years ago she never seemed happy with anyone she met, not sure if that's because she went for money or not, but it would suggest a skewed value system, which couldn't have helped!

My parents hoped I'd marry a middle class woman from the UK and were not entirely supportive when I said I didn't want to do that. But then someone I was at school with massacred his entire family, as well as killing himself, when his parents disapproved of his choice of bride, and after that my parents told me to marry whomever the hell I liked. They get on brilliantly with DW and XDW, both of whom are Japanese and in careers. Privately they might be disappointed that my wife doesn't want and can't have kids, but they have never said so.

No my daughter won't be encouraged to prostitute herself....

I find the notion odd, and also marrying rich won't stop him hiding assets and divorcing you. Dd will be told the importance of being able to support herself!

Disclaimer : I would encourage her to marry someone kind and hard working, as I believe this is important in a husband and father.

But none us us has a crystal ball, and just because someone is rich now doesn't mean they will always be. My DH had a well paid (to me) job, but shortly after we had taken on a bigger mortgage and had DC3, he had a breakdown, and now works p/t min wage job. If I had just married him for his money I would be stuffed. I have always worked too, -p/t when DC's 1 and 2 were little, and now I earn more than he used to and keep us all, financially.

Fortunately, we are a team, and have more to our marriage than money.

It's more about earning potential than money,like it or not once children come into the equation it's likely to be the girl at home, a dh with no potential to earn or no willingness to work is a handicap. My mum is very much a marry for love lady but df is a dreamer who never followed through and exsf was a mean drunk who was happy to live off various women and is currently marrying wife no 5.
Grinding poverty will kill affection all my children will have this drummed into them!

I think some people are being deliberately obtuse

I have never heard of a parent wanting their daughter to marry well then throwing in "oh by the way please be sure not to study or have a career or make your own money at all, just find a rich bloke to marry".

Or in RL (but definetely on MN) parents who are so hands off and intent on leaving their DCs to be so very independent and make decisions on their own that they can't have a chat with them or offer some life advice as thats too interfering ...say nothing.

My Dad always said "Don't marry for money but mix where money is".

My current one is if everyone in the bar knows him, he spends too much bloody time there! Often repeated to younger sister,
Either that or he's a bar man and still not a good bet!

My df was anxious we didn't marry a Tory. That and being kind the only criteria.

I am a hopeless gold digger I was asked out by 2 men in the same week when I worked in the city. Went out with one and married him. Dh was in fits when I told him who I had turned down - other man from one of England's most prominent families, think squares in London named after them. He bought and sold flats in his lunch hour. Dhs dad a printer who works for himself.

my friends mil said to her daughter (not the mil's grand daughter) "marry a rich man. you can always divorce him"

that mil needs shooting for a variety of reasons. shit. i've forgotten what your post was about now

just read it again. awful. some people are just braggy braggerson. empty vases make the most noise, as they say.

Oh dear I ought to have words with my mother then, i am with someone who does work hard, he does not earn much and it is likely that I will earn more than him our whole life together. But that does not matter to me or my mother, although I think she would prefer if he did have more ambition and was a bit more like me. However my mum always said that as long as a man works, does not mistreat us then she would be happy. There was no try and find a rich man speech from her, so I was certainly never encouraged that way.

GaryShitpeas I unerstand how you feel. But you never know how things would have worked if you have married someone with money.

I married "down". Was academic, went to posh academic boarding school, encouraged to think only Oxbridge mattered; also DF posh/titled and quite keen on the idea of me also marrying into a titled family.

DH never went to uni; I met him through work. He is very kind, and he loves me, and is a great dad. But also we are far better off than my siblings/a lot of my contemporaries as he is hard-working and done very well for himself (I haven't done so badly either but my career stalled with DC especially the youngest who had serious heart condition and SN so I stopped working for three years and now only work part-time). But, I've got the experience/seniority that if eg DH died I could pretty much walk into a high-powered full-time role and look after myself and DC sufficiently. I have always looked after myself since I was 18 financially (DF hit by Lloyds crash/recession) and think it's hugely important always to be able to do so. I would never encourage my DC to marry for money, but (without interfering) to chose someone kind and hard-working, yes.

I don't know about parental pressure but there was a thread on MN last year where I was astonished at the amount of women who admitted the mans cash flow was something they looked at in first meeting. Most wanted to be supported by the male

As a divorced woman with children to support (ex refuses to), I am afraid that I wouldn't be bothering myself with any man who wasn't showing some kind of decent enough 'cash flow' from the get go. It's not about wanting to be supported (I manage perfectly well on my own - own house, car, professional job etc.), it's about knowing that I can't afford (literally and figuratively) to be messing about with someone who is struggling to support himself or who isn't in steady work with a good work ethic because the impact of that on my children would be potentially enormous. I wouldn't take cash flow over kindness and decency and self respect, but cash flow is important to me and therefore it's important that I commit to someone with similar priorities.

Of course you can be happy without money and miserable with it. But I defy anyone to say that aspiring to being at least comfortable (as opposed to filthy rich) is somehow unreasonable. Money might not make us happy but it sure as hell helps!

Well it obviously is not the norm given the amount of cocklodgering posts on MN.

There are some horrifying responses on here. Much like the 'cocklodger' threads, there seems to be an implicit assumption amongst many that a different expectation is put on men to provide than on women.

Equally, the comments about 'supporting him' are disgusting. In most circumstances one partner will earn more. Why the assumption that it should be the man?

What happened to equality? Female ambition?

A 'financially sound man' seems has become socially acceptable code for someone wealthy.

Yes Reekypear, but what about the numerous cuntlodgers there seem to be on MN? The majority of MNers seem to be the ones contributing far less cash to their households than their partners. Or is that different? Do you have to have kids? Do you have to work part time? Do you have you have a vagina?

Most of my male friends now consider a woman's job (status as much as earning potential) as a deal breaker in a potential partner. I wonder how many of the 'cocklodger' posters on here would have much success in that kind of selection pool...?

I'm sure my location and my demographics make a difference, but I think it's becoming increasingly common. A woman's ability to effectively exchange sex and motherhood for material comfort is rapidly diminishing as we slowly achieve sexual equity

Babycham, I agree. So many women see it as their right to not work or just do a few hours yet when a man tries it he is called all sorts. The double standards are rife. Lots say they want equality but apparently only when it suits them.