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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder whether many parents encourage their child to marry a wealthy person?

110 replies

eeeeker · 03/01/2015 17:01

An acquaintance of mine, whom I've known for years, has a daughter who is in her early twenties.

Since her DD was very little, the mum has been absolutely adamant that the DD would marry someone wealthy and in a way brainwashed her child into thinking this herself.

Her DD is now married to a man in his early forties and they have a baby together. The husband owns a business and has a huge barn converstion and seems fairly well off.

The mum goes on all the time on Facebook and in person about how well her daughter has done for herself and seems to live through her DD; she posts photos of her DD's house, furniture, clothes, Louis Vuitton bags etc, and when her DD and her husband go on holiday the mum does statuses about it every day, posting links on FB to the plush resorts that they have gone to.

I guess I just think it's a bit odd the way this mum has essentially groomed her DD to "marry well". I don't know the DD very well but I'm not sure that she is necessarily that happy being married to a much older man whilst her friends are out having fun.

AIBU to wonder whether it's quite common for people to encourage their child to marry someone wealthy? Is it something that anyone on here does?

OP posts:

Pensionerpeep · 03/01/2015 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressDeeCee · 03/01/2015 18:22

You can marry well and have a career. One doesn't negate the other, we live in different times now. Its easier with 2 rowing the boat, so to speak..Id never marry solely for love again,, its just too difficult if finances don't match. I married again when I got older and its just so much easier and far less horribly stressful with much less financial worry.

ilovechristmas1 · 03/01/2015 18:29

we count our blessings round here if the dp has a job,any job

Theoretician · 03/01/2015 18:44

Unless prenups become binding in future, no rich man or woman should marry someone who is able to contribute much less financially. Unless they're actually happy to give away half "their" money if it goes wrong.

morethanpotatoprints · 03/01/2015 18:46

Maybe its one of the reasons so many marriages end in divorce.
Its hard enough coping with what life throws at you as a couple when you are totally in love. Take this out of the equation then ther isn't much hope for happiness.

Hoppinggreen · 03/01/2015 18:51

I wouldn't but if either of my DC married someone they loved and who made them happy having money would be the icing on the cake.
Money won't make you happy on its own but having plenty of it means there is one less thing to worry about.

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 03/01/2015 18:52

I want to tell my daughter the same as my mother told me, the essential rules were:

Never put yourself in a position where you can't cope without a man (emotionally and financially)
Earn your own money
Be with somebody who treats you right.

I've been with DH for 15 years, and we have had many different salary gaps between us - sometimes he has earned far more than me, sometimes it has been the other way around. We're not rich financially, but we're a happy family, a warm house and a roof over our heads. I wouldn't trade anything.

I wouldn't say no to a lottery win though :D

AuntieStella · 03/01/2015 18:57

There's a difference between wanting a serious partner to have a work ethic, a compatible attitude to running finances and no obvious barriers to employability. That applies to both sexes.

Having enough money really does help in the material world. But having the same outlook and no known obstacles to earning is a sufficiently sound base.

Looking for an already rich man, with the hope of becoming his dependent, seems much riskier (both in the short term of finding a suitable victim candidate, and in the long term reality if dealing with anything else life throws at you).

thegreylady · 03/01/2015 19:02

Never, I wanted dd to marry someone who was kind above all else, someone who loved her as she loved him, someone who was a worker not a shirker and who had values relating to home and family. More than anything I wanted her to be happy...and she is. I couldn't have asked for a better sil.
My ds has also married someone I like and respect. She is from a different culture and they live abroad so I don't see them often enough but he is very happy indeed and I thank her from the bottom of my heart for that.
As for me, I married 3 times and have been divorced, widowed and now happily married for 26 years.
I have never been wealthy or poor but I love and am loved, who could be richer than that?

Mammanat222 · 03/01/2015 19:02

My parents have never encouraged me to get married at all not even to my poor but wonderfu OH

Despite them having been married for more than 35 years I've never been advised to 'get married' by them. In-fact I've never had anyone advise me to get married, let alone to marry money!

GallicShrug · 03/01/2015 19:03

I went to a school like meditrina's at around the same time. Despite its being very academically pushy - we were automatically entered for Oxbridge, for instance - the careers mistress talked everyone down from their ambitions, advising us towards secretarial/nursing/assistant roles in our preferred fields. About 15 years later, we had a reunion. At least half the women were discussing (competitively) their husbands' careers, and even how their second marriage had raised their status.

I was most disappointed. But perhaps I should have blamed the parents rather than the school.

MistressDeeCee · 03/01/2015 19:08

I remember having the 'love before money' convo with friends a few months back on an evening out. I do know some friends who support their men and I can't stand to see it although its their choice I suppose. I see no virtue in giving a man a twenty quid out of your purse when you've got DCs to support (not necessarily his DCs). Id rather use that money towards my child.

Id always look at a man's cashflow on meeting him - he doesn't have to be rich or able to fully support me - I can support myself and contribute to finances too -but the problems caused by an imbalance of financial sense/responsibility are terrible. Money does matter, mostly. The romantic side of me likes to think that just because a man has money, it doesn't necessarily mean that is the reason a woman married him. My DM told me to marry a man I love, but one with financial sense who isn't meanminded, and to always have my own savings put by. I didn't listen to the 1st part of that initially and would have been far better off if I did

Interesting thread...

Canigetanamen · 03/01/2015 19:10

Because having no money is no fucking fun

It puts huge pressure on a relationship

Also children born to parents on a low income are likey to do less well

Because sometimes the fact your partner has no money means he's just a bum and not just low paid like my ex his earring potential was a direct result of weed smoking and general lazyness

meditrina · 03/01/2015 19:12

Career advice at my school was deeply crap. And the default setting, other than for the top two sets, did seem to be nursing or secretarial work.

But we did also produce doctors, a barrister and solicitors, a Mandarin or two, some business owners, a couple, of bankers (provincial, not City, but management) and an Army officer. And the general attitude was that you would have a career yourself, not hang around hoping for a knight on a white charger (though I so suspect that one of our number, who went to Posh agricultural college might have ended up with equestrian acres).

feckitall · 03/01/2015 19:12

I know a young woman who did this. She only worked after leaving school at 18 for 6 months. She met a man 16 years her senior. When they moved in together she gave up working, her days were spent shopping. They now have a toddler. FB is full of bragging pics of holidays etc. When they started seeing each other her mother said she would 'do what it takes to get the lifestyle she wants' and she did.

Canigetanamen · 03/01/2015 19:15

Also having a partner that leech is no fun my ex was one of these

Didn't have a job was not a shad I still had to pay for childcare still have to cook and clean as he would sleep all day and be out all fucking night doing what the fuck I don't know however would regally ask me for money.

ZombieApocalypse · 03/01/2015 19:17

Marrying wealth certainly wasn't part of our upbringing and my family were very poor when we were kids.

My parents have always had and encouraged a good work ethic though, as has DH's. DH has at times earned much less than me but I couldn't give a toss because I love him for being him, not for being minted.

I honestly couldn't imagine seeking out a partner based on their wealth. I do remember once when I was younger, a couple of guys I dated offered to show me their bank balances and I was utterly nonplussed by it and seem to recall saying 'erm... why?'

MuttonCadet · 03/01/2015 19:21

Truly horrified that some women don't appear to think that they are entirely capable of having a hugely successful career themselves.

My parents encouraged me to study hard and achieve, I have, and in doing so can easily support myself and my husband, (if I ever needed to).

Marrying "up" is just the most awful idea I have ever heard. What happens if it doesn't work out? (Spousal maintenance is no longer favoured).

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/01/2015 19:25

I talk to my older kids all the time about choosing a partner who has similar family values to us. They are doing okay so far. DD ditched someone she was crazy about, because he started selling drugs. He was a nice enough boy too, and obviously loaded. DS is seeing a lovely girl with very strong family values and a good work ethic. However they have a different religion to us and do not believe in marrying out.

It's all a bit of a worry sometimes.

Canigetanamen · 03/01/2015 19:25

poster MuttonCadet until of course you marry down and then you start to see it's merits it's not about you earning in your own right it's about not marrying somone who is not a bum

You will be always be fine with somone who loves you and well motivated how ever much they earn however I think when people talk about marrying well it's more about attatuide and finances.

Canigetanamen · 03/01/2015 19:27

Add message | Report | Message poster TinklyLittleLaugh Sat 03-Jan-15 19:25:05

You hit the nail on the head about same values

MuttonCadet · 03/01/2015 19:30

But we were talking about marrying someone wealthy - not someone with the same values or someone who "wasn't a bum".

123Jump · 03/01/2015 19:33

A cousin told me that his brother had always talked about marrying someone rich. Apparently he was quite determined that it would be rich or nothing.
He is now married to a girl from a very wealthy family.
I don't think either he or her have particularly wealthy jobs. But her family are very rich.
I wonder if it will last?

MuttonCadet · 03/01/2015 19:34

But we were talking about marrying someone wealthy - not someone with the same values or someone who "wasn't a bum".

bishboschone · 03/01/2015 19:45

I have a dd and I do encourage her to work hard at school so she can get a good job and I tell her how much houses cost and she needs a good job to pay for that . I don't mind who she marries but I would like her to marry someone who is a hard worker . I have a friend who's husband is un educated and doesn't have a job . He is always waiting for the great management job to come along with a huge salary which just isn't going to happen . I would not like her to marry a man like that . As long as he loves her and works hard at whatever he does then that's fine by me .

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