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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder whether many parents encourage their child to marry a wealthy person?

110 replies

eeeeker · 03/01/2015 17:01

An acquaintance of mine, whom I've known for years, has a daughter who is in her early twenties.

Since her DD was very little, the mum has been absolutely adamant that the DD would marry someone wealthy and in a way brainwashed her child into thinking this herself.

Her DD is now married to a man in his early forties and they have a baby together. The husband owns a business and has a huge barn converstion and seems fairly well off.

The mum goes on all the time on Facebook and in person about how well her daughter has done for herself and seems to live through her DD; she posts photos of her DD's house, furniture, clothes, Louis Vuitton bags etc, and when her DD and her husband go on holiday the mum does statuses about it every day, posting links on FB to the plush resorts that they have gone to.

I guess I just think it's a bit odd the way this mum has essentially groomed her DD to "marry well". I don't know the DD very well but I'm not sure that she is necessarily that happy being married to a much older man whilst her friends are out having fun.

AIBU to wonder whether it's quite common for people to encourage their child to marry someone wealthy? Is it something that anyone on here does?

OP posts:
newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 03/01/2015 19:45

I was encouraged to go out with people who valued money, they didn't have to have a lot but to understand it's value whether you have a little or lot.

Canigetanamen · 03/01/2015 19:49

Personally I would not like my son to marry one of these wag types they seem to simply want to shop and no real care for the men they date it's all about being seen however I would have no issue with somone who simply wanted to be a house wife not the same in my book somone who is happy to take a back seat to raise a family so he can get on is not the same as somone who simply wants to shop and get lips and boobs done

pommedeterre · 03/01/2015 19:52

No. I was pressured to get all a s though!

I married a man who is fiercely intelligent. By far the best bet!

treaclesoda · 03/01/2015 20:05

I posted earlier about most of the women at my peer group marrying 'up', but I think I wasn't entirely clear. When I said they married 'up' , I didn't mean that they did it instead of having a career, I meant in addition to. They mostly have careers but they have also married someone who is a) wealthier than their own father (and it is fathers in my case - I'm almost 40 and when I was at school I didn't know anyone whose mum worked) b) who earns more than they do.

In reality what I see is a lot of my contemporaries earning good money pre children and then spending a few years as a sahm and then retraining in something less lucrative but more rewarding such as teaching or nursing. The fact that they have married high earning men is what has made that possible for them. But they are not freeloaders just living the high life because they don't want to work.

MistressDeeCee · 03/01/2015 20:05

Canigetanamen I make you right. You don't marry a bum just because you love him. Its easy for people who are financially ok to say love and values are all - but live it and know it is an entirely different thing. Aside from that a man may very well work..but he isn't ambitious or determined enough to go the extra mile work hard to increase family income when necessary. Life is expensive and having no money is shit. You can't eat love and values.

Its all very well a woman being hardworking and focused with good ideals and the will to help support the family - but look at the relationships board for examples of where women have married men who don't have the same ethos and seem to think "oh good Ive got a worker here" and mostly sit about, or work half-heartedly whilst wife is having palpitations about it all. No thank you. Im not sentimental about these things...

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/01/2015 20:06

And to be honest, even if you marry a rich man, becoming a single parent can be a very quick route to poverty. The love has to be there.

thelittlebooktroll · 03/01/2015 20:08

My dd is marrying Prince George.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/01/2015 20:11

As I said in my previous post, I did shack up with, and have kids with, a bum, because I was mad about him. But I did so with both eyes wide open and knowing I earned a decent enough salary to get us through regardless.

And him turning out not to be a bum after all, was just a lovely bonus really.

KiaOraOAotearoa · 03/01/2015 20:14

I am married, but I would not advise or encourage my DD to get married. I'm fine with whatever she decides, but I would certainly never encourage her or tell her how wonderful it is to be married/dream of wedding day etc. The whole fairy tale is just that. A fairy tale. Then you come down to earth.

I would encourage her to be with someone who is her equal and treats her as such.

Tinks42 · 03/01/2015 20:15

To be absolutely honest, given my time again, I'd do it.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 03/01/2015 20:18

Part of the reason my sister stopped speaking to me was because my now DH earns less than me.

MariscallRoad · 03/01/2015 20:22

People like some comfort but they also fall in love with someone who has fewer means. Most parents I know encourage sons and daughter to be independent financially and have their own job.

morethanpotatoprints · 03/01/2015 20:32

I have told all our children that money isn't important if you aren't materialistic and that you need enough to get by.
We married for love but the love includes having the same values, beliefs and outlook on life.
I think it is the same with the job/career you choose in life. The amount of pay doesn't matter if you choose what makes you happy.
It doesn't work for everybody but it has worked for us, for the past 26 years anyway.

Glitterytwigsnshit · 03/01/2015 20:40

See, I'm all for the marry for love and he has to be kind and considerate etc, surely things such as mutual love and respect are a given?.

However a few inescapable truths I've learnt in both relationships and now in marriage have meant that for me at least I will advise my DD of the following:

Earn your own money never rely on or be dependant on any man and never give up your financial independence for the sake of your DH.

If you want to marry then make sure you marry a man who earns as much if not more than you- don't marry someone who is either going to see you as some sort of workhorse or some sort of burden or worse whose financial affairs are so messy that you will have to spend most of your married life sorting it out.

Be with someone who treats you like a Queen. Yes I know it's cheesy and a clichè but I don't mean it in a special snowflake kind of way. More in a "know your self worth" and make sure you end up with someone who knows it too.

In the end she will do as she pleases but that's the advice I will give and seriously wished someone had given it to me. As an aside the happiest and most content women I know are the ones that rarely have to worry about money ( in the "shit I have 30 quid until payday" or "the bastard washing machine has broken and we still need to pay the council tax" way) and the ones whose husbands treat them really well as in cherish them and value them as a person and show it through their actions and behaviour. Not much chance of that happening if the DH and the DW are knee deep in making ends meet and robbing peter to pay paul. That shit takes it toll- believe me.

Messygirl · 03/01/2015 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wyamc · 03/01/2015 20:52

I think it's such a big risk neglecting your own earning potential. All it takes is someone to change their mind about you or lose their job.

I know several people who have been married to a wealthy person then overnight it's gone either through the relationship breaking down or the job being lost. Others I've known stay in awful marriages because they feel they have no alternative. There's a kind of inequality about the relationship.

I will be encouraging my dd to get her own skills/experience to support herself. And to marry someone with a good personality who has the type of work ethic where they'd do any job if they had to.

Indantherene · 03/01/2015 20:55

I have always told my DD to marry for money, because I wish I had Sad. I married "down" because we were madly in love. Love doesn't pay the bills. Money gives you choices, even if it is just where to live and which school your children go to.

My DD is in her late 20s and every time someone gets close to her she runs a mile, so I think I did it all wrong. She also feels she only needs to earn enough to cover her immediate needs and has no ambition- heaven knows where that came from.

Needless to say I am keeping my mouth firmly closed on the subject with DD2 Sad.

ZombieApocalypse · 03/01/2015 21:07

If I had a DD, I'd teach her to earn her own money and never rely on someone else to keep her.

Laquitar · 03/01/2015 21:17

I think that if you teach your dd to favour education and to be fairly ambitious then she has statistically more chances to marry a high earner anyway wirhout trying. More than someone who leaves school and spend the day doing her nails and the evening chasing a high earner man.
If you study medicine or law, if you work in the city, you spend hell lot of time there so you are more likely to marry a man in the same profession.

ToysRLuv · 03/01/2015 21:25

I was always encouraged to educate myself and get a good career, as well as marry someone who is similar to me in those terms. I did educate myself, but am currently sahm/retraining, so finances are very tight, even with (currently self employed) dp's okayish income. It's hard being skint, but we know we both will have a better earning potential soon, and are educated pretty much as high as possible (which doesn't guarantee wealth in itself, but at least we feel "rich in knowledge" GrinConfusedGrin). I have always been attracted to the academic life and academics rather than career people of other sorts so was never really destined to be a millioner.

Sunnymeg · 03/01/2015 21:25

I have a cousin who met her multimillionaire ex husband through work. She was a nurse on Intensive Care and was looking after a member of his family. When her parents realised who he was they encouraged her to go out with him, even though she wasn't initially that keen. She did fall in love with him and they married. She struggled with the lifestyle terribly. She felt obliged to give up a job she loved, because women in their social circle didn't work. They were the type of people who would think nothing of spending £3000 on a bottle of wine IE mega rich! She did use her position to do a lot of charity fundraising work, but always felt that she didn't fit in. They had homes in Florida, France and London and she felt like she was on a constant merry go round of travelling which she resented when the children were small. They divorced after about 10 years and yes she did get a couple of million as a divorce settlement, but she has returned to nursing, is seeing a teacher and is enjoying life a lot more than she ever did when she was married.

ToysRLuv · 03/01/2015 21:27

That should be "dh", not "dp"..

MariscallRoad · 04/01/2015 01:15

Quite so you must the boss of youself that is what mom taught me.

GaryShitpeas · 04/01/2015 01:23

My mum said work hard at school and the worlds your oyster

She lied

I have worked hard not just at school but all my life and I'm still fucking broke and pissed off no hope for the future for me or my dcs

Genuinely wish she'd encouraged me to marry someone with money Sad

mmgirish · 04/01/2015 01:38

I used to know a lady who encouraged her daughter to "marry the richest man she can stomach".....

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