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AIBU?

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Original poster

To even be considering reporting this to SS

50 replies

ChristmasCrackerPop · 03/01/2015 15:42

My friend came round at 9am New Years Day, with her two children in tow as she had yet another argument with her lazy partner and had fled the house.

She stayed for breakfast and once she calmed down I said to her son aged 5, 'Now you can go home and spend some time with X, that will be fun' he suddenly started roaring no, I don't like him which she brushed off very quickly.

When she went to put her DD in the car, my curiosity of the situation got the better of me and I asked her little boy 'Why is it you don't like X' he suddenly put his face down into his coat and shouted 'because he headlocks me' I responded 'I'm sure he just loves playing with you, as long as he doesn't smack your bottom' then he wispered 'He does'

the partner isn't the Dad to either of them, but he's taken on the girl as his own but not the boy, neither have fathers involved. She is currently PG with the partners baby and I'm worried about all of them.

OP posts:
Nuggy2013 · 03/01/2015 15:47

Report it, if there's nothing to worry about then it might at least make them realise that there's an issue with the way partner behaves. If there is something to worry about, you'll be glad you've helped those kids.

misskangaandroo2014 · 03/01/2015 15:50

I must admit I would. Because I am hyper aware of how abuse gets hidden in families and how protective a child can be of their abuser.
(though I might start with a relative like your friend's mum/ sound them out 'boy doesn't seem as fond of girl on partner' sort of lead in. Obviously that only works if you know them.
Do you ever pick up from school? A teacher wouldn't get too into it with you but pieces of information add up.

Royalsighness · 03/01/2015 15:51

This made my heart skip a beat reading it Sad I don't know what to say! It sounds like one of those situations where only you deep down know what your gut tells you and how the boy said what he said.

If I was ever faced with this I would try and tell myself that Social Services intervention or assessment, although shitty, isn't the end of the world. A child being abused is.

GColdtimer · 03/01/2015 15:52

Has your friend ever mentioned how he is with her son? How good a friend is she?

I think I would be inclined to call NSPCC helpline for advice - they may well say SS but they are very helpful.

RonaldMcDonald · 03/01/2015 15:52

Why don't you speak to your friend about it
in a nice supportive way

if you then feel that there is more to it or you are uneasy speak to SS

MissHJ · 03/01/2015 15:53

Nuggy you should not automatically throw ss into someone's lives. It could cause a lot of unnecessary stress and problems. It seems to me all you have established is they do not like their stepfather and he has smacked them on their bottoms. I was smacked by my stepfather, he was the only man in our lives but it was done as a disclipine action and as a parent. I can assure you not every stepfather who smacks his sc are abusers. Does you friend smack her children? If he is raising her children could they be in an agreement about disclipine. I just think you have to be very careful about calling in ss unless you have the whole picture. There are clearly problems in their family, but enough problems to warrant ss? I am not sure. Could you not have a chat with your friend first about what her son said?

Selks · 03/01/2015 15:54

Please report. The boy is scared of the 'partner' and has told you of two things that the partner does that could be considered abusive. He might be doing other things to hurt them, and your friend might not even be aware.

PotteringAlong · 03/01/2015 15:54

It's not illegal to smack his bottom. You might not like it but it doesn't mean it's wrong.

Original poster
ChristmasCrackerPop · 03/01/2015 15:56

Over whatsapp, she pours her heart out about how she feels about him. But when I see her she shrugs it off if I try and approach it, as she was leaving I said to her 'Oh he's not v fond of X' and she just pretended she didn't hear a thing.

OP posts:
IamTitanium · 03/01/2015 15:56

Be careful about asking leading questions.

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2015 15:56

I'm not sure they'd investigate on that little bit of info

Smacking is not illegal but if you think he's being bruised/marked/abused then it's worth a phone call.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2015 15:56

I would report and tell them your concerns. The boys reaction to seeing his stepfather is quite telling, and the things he mentioned to you.

Sianilaa · 03/01/2015 15:57

It's not so much the smacking that worries me (although not good, it's not illegal) but the headlocks and how the little boy reacted. I would certainly be talking to my friend about it and potentially reporting it, yes.

Original poster
ChristmasCrackerPop · 03/01/2015 15:57

It was more his reaction that baffled me, as this child NEVER speaks, he has a very limited vocabulary for a 5 year old as it is and when he does speak he mumbles so for him to shout made me realize its a touchy subject for him.

OP posts:
WanderingTrolley1 · 03/01/2015 15:58

I wouldn't report. I'd try talking to my friend to see if she confides in me about any issues they, as a family, may be having.

JennyBlueWren · 03/01/2015 15:58

I'd suggest you try talking to your friend about it first -is he abusive to her. But wouldn't rule out phoning SS either. Try to spend more time with them -offer to babysit the children so you can be there for them and act as a support if/when they need it.

Flappingandflying · 03/01/2015 15:59

Is it possible tto talk to friend? Only you were there so know the tone of voice, nuance, etc and also what this little boy is like when he's happy. Difficult situation. It may be that the only way the partner communicates is by roughhousing because some people do that with boys ( why I don't know but we have had probs with this in the past). Hopefully, it is just that - play that goes too far for this five year old to handle. If their relationship is volatile and the partner and mum shout a lot this would also cause the boy distress. Can you mention it to the boy's teacher? Might just add up to something they've heard or noticed.

Varya · 03/01/2015 16:00

There is a playground near us and pre-school kids are dropped off there by adults to play unsupervised, I am going to report this to SS. When queried this with one adult I was told the kids are 'fine on their own'. Aged 3 or 3+?

Original poster
ChristmasCrackerPop · 03/01/2015 16:01

He basically is 30, hes verbally abusive and never helps, he stays up all night on the play station and then lays in bed all day. He gets his job seekers and doesn't contribute towards rent/bills/food nor does he pay for his own daughter who lives with her mum. My friend has to pay for his daughters outings with him and drop him to contact.

Soon after she found out she was expecting she threw him out on the proviso he could come home once he has a job and stops acting like a teenager but she softened and he's back to his old ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasCrackerPop · 03/01/2015 16:03

I don't go to his school as I haven't got a school age child.

I have tried to mention it but she pretended she didn't hear and I really don't want to push her as she's already quite fragile, I just wish this monster would step away

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2015 16:06

As a former CP SW and someone in my late 40's who had friends in abusive relationships, I will say this.

Abuse escalates at the birth of a baby.

Reporting now, will possibly shut your friend and her son up, because they will be scared of the consequences of SS involvement.

I would up contact between you and not lead the boy into "sharing" but just engage in information gathering conversations.

It's easy done with a five year old.

You don't want contact to be stopped between you and they become isolated.

Unless the SDad is leaving marks, it could easily be passed off and the emotional abuse escalate.

Mostlyjustaluker · 03/01/2015 16:15

You don't have all the information and are not qualified to make a decision on the seriousness of this. Therefore you must report it to ss who will be able to collect more info and are qualified to make judgements.

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2015 16:21

I would also limit for the time being what you share with the friend.

She may start to "school" the boy what he can and can't tell.

You may not want to think of your friend in this light, but she is allowing her children to be abused in this manner.

It often doesn't take much for a parent (Mother) to complacent and dismissive of what her children are suffering, but you get flamed on here for saying that.

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2015 16:26

""You don't have all the information and are not qualified to make a decision on the seriousness of this. Therefore you must report it to ss who will be able to collect more info and are qualified to make judgements.""

The problem is that unless the violence that everyone will admit to and is leaving marks on the children, SS won't even start a CIN plan.

The school might, if there has been a change in behaviour, with Mums co-operation, but it doesn't sound as though she's at that stage.

Meanwhile the person who the family have been sharing things with, will have been cut out.

Unless there is DV taking place, a Woman's group wouldn't be recommended because pregnancy isn't the time to go down this route, or straight after birth.

HerrenaHarridan · 03/01/2015 16:28

Birds gotta fly has got it.

This has told you to prick your ears up. Get involved. Don't be judgmental be supportive.

Go visit her at home. How is this boy around him is he gobby and full on, is he withdrawn and quiet, does he flinch away from him instinctively?

I get the feeling from your posts that you feel something is not right, your probably right, you say he's taken in the dd as his own but not the ds Sad and that doesn't bode well.

Like birds says abuse tends to grow exponentially when a new baby is on the scene.

Keep a close eye, be ready to help her flee and be ready to report them to ss if she's not protecting her children from him.