To think that 2 hours is far too long to eat a small bowl off porridge?

[Smileybutstressed]

We have DSD (5) staying. At times her behaviour is a challenge (all with all 5 yr olds) but she has hardly eaten a thing all the while she's been here.

She's still sat nursing a bowl of porridge on her lap now complaining that its now 'too cold' 'has hairs in' and 'I want coco pops.'

She has always been quite a fussy water but then I know that her mum and even my DP didn't have the best diets when she was small. DP says that they are a lot of takeaway food as his ex wasnt too keen on cooking.

I always make an effort to make everything from scratch. I grow my own veggies to save money and have always put veg on DSDs plate. My own DD (17 months) eats fruit and veg like its going out of fashion.

I always try an encourage DSD to et healthily. I've tried making a hedgehog out of a mango, fruit pizzas, she helps me cook tea every night but she still won't eat anything.

She started school in September an I thought that her eating habits would improve but to no avail.

Her teeth are rotting really badly and when we pick her up from her mums she always has a bottle of coke or fanta with her.

Struggling for ideas she will happily eat crisps, chocolate, chips etc but IMO they should be occasional treats not the norm.
She's quite overweight already and I know that kids are all so different and varying at this age but I just worry about her.

Any ideas? Thanks in advance

Oh I give up!!

What cottage said.

It really does sound like DSD visits are some kind of battleground.

She isn't your child - take a deep breath and take a step back. You don't seem willing to compromise very much OP and I feel really sorry for this little girl. I am surprised she still wants to stay with you to be honest.

You sound controlling rather than caring - maybe that isn't the reality but that is how you are coming across on this thread.

Why put healthy toppings on the homemade pizza? Would she eat it if it had pepperoni/ham/whatever she usually has on it?

If she was sick after eating raw veg, this again sounds to me as though she has some serious taste/texture issues, rather than 'just' fussiness.

Have you read the book 'can't eat, won't eat'? There may be some ideas in there for why your dsd has such extreme issues. And some ideas of how to tackle it.

If she was my dsd, I would be taking the non-threatening approach of playing with food, not at mealtimes, away from the usual eating area. And not expecting her to eat it, but to investigate other properties of it, and come to realise just how non-threatening food can be,and that actually it can be nice and fun - nice smells, nice textures, nice tastes.

I am indeed angry with her DP for making her sit in front of porridge for two hours, and with the OP for allowing him to do it.

HE is the child's father. Step parents get a hard time if they 'do', or if 'they don't'. OP cannot override what the child's FATHER has stated is to be done, not really. She is not the father's keeper you know!

I would just carry on as you are, offering her food and if she doesn't eat it say she can have fruit etc.

But you need to kick you DP into touch...he is as much to blame as his ex

OP, I'd suggest taking DSD to the shops with you and getting her to choose food. Okay she might not select healthy options but you could encourage her plus it would help her to see all the options and give you a better idea of what she would eat. It might be a longer shopping trip but its worth a try.

I'd also suggest getting her to help you make things - smoothies, soups, cakes etc - to make it fun for her.

Try to find sneaky ways to introduce healthy foods - put chocolate on things, anything her favourite band or show is promoting.

Try and get some exercise in for your DD too - swimming, cycling etc.

My DD is 6 and we're working hard to introduce more healthy options. Eg for breakfast today she had a mullerlight yoghurt - vanilla with chocolate bits - which is healthier than most of her options. And yes she's been trying porridge too, again flavoured ones are more popular. She enjoys smoothies, especially making them and she's been trying soups (again we have a soup maker which she finds fun to watch me use). She drinks chocolate milk.

In short, I think giving your DSD a choice and making things 'fun' and 'interesting' might be the key?

OK I shall overlook your attitude towards this child and suggest something practical.

Children that eat a lot of sugar are addicted to it. If she has been eating sugar every day and comes to your house then gets fed healthy food it will all taste very bland to her for a start. Secondly she needs her sugar fix - sad, but true. If she doesn't get it her sugar levels will be plummeting and she will be feeling very confused while her body is craving for this stuff.

Perhaps if you approach DP with a discussion about the science of food, that sugar is like a drug and she needs to be treated like an addict, not go cold turkey every time he will understand.

If you feel he is using the two hour porrige session as a punishment for essentially being a sugar addict then he needs serious reprimanding for it. If you feel that he is doing it to get back at her mother in a backhanded way he will find himself losing contact with her all together as this is cruel and abusive.

Comparing your daughter with your step-daughter is unhelpful and potentially reinforcing the problem - for starters, a 17 month old is a WORLD apart from a five year old in terms of the way they do everything, so your certainty that your daughter eats well because you have brought her up to do so may well turn out to be misplaced.

myone so I have to pander around her and change OUR family dynamics to fit around her to give her some 'familiarity'? Erm no, the reason she is so fussy in the first place is because everybody has always given into her!

But you're expecting a five year old to do that - you want her to fit in with what your family does to suit your need to feel as though you have done 'better' than her mother at feeding her, even though you have acknowledged that it probably won't work.

I don't particularly want my own DD eating coco pops so no I won't feed her them!

I don't understand this bit - I don't think anyone has suggested that you give your daughter Coco pops, but why does this mean your step0daughter can't have them.

All you can do is talk about healthy food, how her body works and encourage her to make healthy choices. You cannot change her eating habits in the short time you have her, so you need to start playing the long game. Sitting with a cold bowl of porridge is going to put her off making healthy choices if anything, so it might be time to rethink your strategy and use gently encouragement rather than blanket refusal.

My Son at 5yrs was a terrible, terrible eater. He's now 7yrs old only and just started eating bits of Veg, loves fruit and only just started liking Ham/Chicken sarnies. Try not to worry about it too much there's not much you can do, has your DP taken her to a Dentist? Sounds like she needs it bless her. She's still only little at 5yrs, I'm sure she'll eventually start to try new things. Try not to pressure her too much. I eased up on my boy at meal times as it got way too stressful. Your doing your best.

ps getting her to help you make things is good for bonding as tbh it doesnt sound like you have a good bond. you do sound controlling and expecting too much from a young confused child.

Just had a thought OP, what about muffins? I have a good recipe that I use a lot. It has no sugar or butter, is milk free because we keep kosher. Would you like it?

OP please read Thymeout's post carefully. This is what is what your DP needs to understand too. I'm sure it will get better over time but it will be hard for everyone at first.

Marmite the girl NEEDS sugar, she is addicted. Cutting it out of her diet suddenly will just make her miserable.

OP I feel for you we have DSS most of the time which makes life a lot easier however his mum feeds his crap (pop tarts and pizza is the basic diet) lets him get away with being rude etc. he has just turned 6 we have had some interesting weeks where he wouldn't eat anything without an argument. We have a very simple rule that he can have afters if he eats or attempts his main. I don't specify what afters is it could be chocolate or an apple or custard. Sometimes there isn't anyway especially during the week when he has had pudding at school.
However it is easier because we have him nearly full time to be consistent.

Have you tried a reward chart? That worked wonders originally started with just having to try the food without having a drama. Also put silly things on like giving daddy a cuddle

Unrefined sugar. Will give her her fix. Cottage

Thyme's post really resonates with me too.

OP, you are getting a hard time. I think your intentions are good. And feeding a fussy child can be very stressful.

But I think you need to take on board two things much mentioned on here.

1. Talk to your DH and let him know 2 hours infront of cold porridge or any meal is cruel. And don't allow this to happen again.
2. You can't let her go hungry because she won't eat what the rest of the family is eating. Give her some of what she is used to. Will she eat plain pasta (or with butter, cheese or tomatoe sauce?). Would she eat a really plain pizza? Buy in a few frozen foods that you know she will eat. Maybe introduce a healthy side such as a tiny piece of veg along with this.

Just make sure she doesn't go hungry, and isn't stressed about meals in your house.

Over time she will be more open to other foods. My DDs were very fussy between 2 and 10. Thankfully much improved now.

Thank you all. Muffins sound like a really good idea. I've just cut up some apple and raspberries on a plate and she's had a tiny bite of a raspberry (when she thought I wasn't looking) its a start!

I'm not controlling or cruel or nasty. I'm doing my best. Step parenting isn't easy

Wow, OP. You sound considerably self-righteous and inflexible considering this is a 5 year old who is not in her own home. Why is everyone obsessed with getting her to eat cereal for breakfast? There are plenty of European countries where we English are considered a bit strange for eating so much cereal at breakfast. Think of European hotel buffets - they have cheese, bread, pains au chocolate and other pastries, yoghurts, meats. Would she have any of those? My boys both don't eat cereal at all- they did when toddlers but really don't like it now they're older. It's just one type of food that Englih people traditionally eat at breakfast. Doesn't mean to say everyone should.

Woohoo on the raspberry!

Please just shut up!

I had success with frankie's suggestion regarding chocolate.

DD2, a fruit and veg refuser, started eating fruit by dipping strawberries into melted chocolate. Just 2 squares of dairy milk melted in microwave. She now eats a smallish selection plain fruit.

Neither DD likes milk. But will drink hot chocolate or chocolate milk.
I also make smoothies with ice cream and milk and Oreo cookies.

Both started eating yogurts with muller corners, with chocolate balls. Now they prefer Frubes.

Baby steps and you will get there.

Fruit and melted chocolate sounds like a good idea. I will certainly try that!

I agree with the person up thread ho said every thing in balance and admit that yes I am perhaps a bit too over zealous with the healthy eatin thing. As my own DM was with me (who by the way eats 2 ryvita a day and weighs about 7 stone).

Think I need to reevaluate and as others have said healthy alternatives and baby steps

Good luck OP!

Good luck, OP. DH's niece is like this - has been brought up on crap. She's now 8, the size of a house and has no (adult) teeth because they have all rotted. The school is, I understand, finally getting involved. It's very sad. We had her for the day the other week, she didn't want to eat anything I'd cooked, and guzzled non stop on a huge bottle of full fat Coke she'd brought with her. She did eat, when I had made it clear that she either ate what I had prepared (roast chicken, so nothing startling) or went without. Once she'd tried it, she did enjoy it, and asked for seconds, although didn't touch the veg. Tiny steps, and a bit of firmness and no pandering to requests for fish and chips or McD's seemed to work.