To think that 2 hours is far too long to eat a small bowl off porridge?

[Smileybutstressed]

We have DSD (5) staying. At times her behaviour is a challenge (all with all 5 yr olds) but she has hardly eaten a thing all the while she's been here.

She's still sat nursing a bowl of porridge on her lap now complaining that its now 'too cold' 'has hairs in' and 'I want coco pops.'

She has always been quite a fussy water but then I know that her mum and even my DP didn't have the best diets when she was small. DP says that they are a lot of takeaway food as his ex wasnt too keen on cooking.

I always make an effort to make everything from scratch. I grow my own veggies to save money and have always put veg on DSDs plate. My own DD (17 months) eats fruit and veg like its going out of fashion.

I always try an encourage DSD to et healthily. I've tried making a hedgehog out of a mango, fruit pizzas, she helps me cook tea every night but she still won't eat anything.

She started school in September an I thought that her eating habits would improve but to no avail.

Her teeth are rotting really badly and when we pick her up from her mums she always has a bottle of coke or fanta with her.

Struggling for ideas she will happily eat crisps, chocolate, chips etc but IMO they should be occasional treats not the norm.
She's quite overweight already and I know that kids are all so different and varying at this age but I just worry about her.

Any ideas? Thanks in advance

I think you are getting a hard time here, you are trying to bring up your DC to be healthy, I can understand why you don't want to start undermining that buying crap to feed your DSD. I think your DH needs to step up here and realise that feeding his very young daughter a diet which has left her obese with decayed teeth is cruel. Also I'd agree with PP's who have suggested seeing if you can involve her more with choosing a compromise cereal like rice crispies or cornflakes. Personally I don't think coco pops are the work of the devil and I let mine have this kind of thing sometimes but it's not something I'd give them every day. I'd also second that leaving her for 2 hours with a bowl of cold, congealing porridge is daft and a bit cruel but not eating the breakfast you've offered and not offering an alternative is not akin to starving her. I'd imagine that if she doesn't eat breakfast she'll be more likely to eat what ever is offered for lunch.

This is a tricky one! My 5yo refuses to eat when she visits her Dad (luckily she goes 11-5 twice a month so misses lunch) even if he makes what she enjoys, which is mainly jacket spud with cheese and beans with cucumber sticks on the side. Dd weaned amazingly but has got fussy and is now y1 at school and is regularly whining that she doesn't like it! I don't make a big deal of it just say she has to have a taste of it! I also encourage her to have fruit on her way home from school. I think my dd refuses food with her Dad as a way to control things, she can't control when she sees him or things happening in his life like his partner being there (who she likes but doesn't always want there) etc. I wonder if dsd is doing that? She has no control over anything and she may feel usurped by the baby as baby gets to live with both parents whilst she doesn't. You obviously care so I hope things improve.
The dental thing is tough, is she registered at a dentist? My dd is and I brush her teeth for her but she grinds her teeth whilst sleeping so some are damaged but not decayed. What toothpaste is she using? One high in fluoride will strengthen the enamel.

I think the suggestion of taking her to the sm to choose an acceptable (to both of you ) breakfast is an excellent one. Get over it with the porridge no one in our family can stand it, there are plenty of other healthy breakfasts. Anyway it's nearly lunch time what are you giving them for lunch ?

You know, my parents adopted your approach to fussy eating. The result is that I have some really strong food phobias where I will actually vomit if I try and eat the stuff.

And dd1 ate fruit and veg (and everything else)as though it goes out of fashion at 17 months. At 8yo she had a bad bout of pneumonia and has become very fussy.
Otoh my fussy one who ate nothing reliably except sweetcorn at 17 months by 5yo ate everything in quantity.

This is the responsibility of your partner and the girl's mother, not yours. However it might help motivate them to change their attitude if you mention that child neglect is a form of child abuse and that the school will certainly have an eye on them if they continue to ignore this girl's health.

But sitting her over a bowl of cold porridge for two hours is arguably just as cruel so you need to check your own behaviour as well. The poor girl must be very confused.

She was eating jacket potato with beans and cheese up until a couple of months ago.

It's not like I've been using the same approach I've been trying so many different things to get her to eat. Like I said she will happily help me to prepare the food. I've asked her to try raw veg which to be fair to her she did (to see if she preferred it to cooked veg) but she was sick in our bin!

I will try the suggestion of letting her choose a different cereal. I have tried lots of cereals with her but she's refused them.

She's always like pizza but when I make a homemade one with healthy toppings on he won't eat it. I've tried making fruit pizzas with her an alsorts.

I am honestly trying my best and trying different approaches without making a massive fuss about her trying something new but nothing seems to work :(

cottage as I've stipulated and stipulated up thread it wasnt myself who made her sit over a bowl of porridge for two I hours! It was DP. I give her 30 mins to make others and if she's just playing with it ill take it away

Some of you are making it sound as though I force the spoon down her throat!! I don't I put her meal infront of her and if she takes a mouthful I encourage her an tell her how well she's doing. If she hasn't eaten it within half an hour, instead of making a fuss I simply say are you finished an take it away - hardly making a fuss

sounds revolting. At that age, I would have hated to go to a house where adults stood over me as I attempted to eat an unfamiliar food that was cold, while they muttered nasty things about my mum. I feel very sorry for her and angry on her behalf. She's only 5. Don't add hunger to her unhappiness or ask her mum to pack food for her as you make it clear that you 'won't fanny around her' and will not feed her unless she eats your gruel.

What about:
A picky tea with loads of variety in the middle of the table, she picks what she wants to eat.
Doesn't eat = goes to bed hungry.

Sounds like she is neglected by her mum and you need to find a middle ground.

Your DD is not of an age to ve fussy yet. She may never be fussy, or it may come in the future.

Can you ask DSD to "show DD what to do as DSD is such a good girl and DD needa help learning"?

so I have to pander around her and change OUR family dynamics to fit around her to give her some 'familiarity'? Erm no, the reason she is so fussy in the first place is because everybody has always given into her!

Yes you do have to 'pander around her'. Because this is a 5 year old girl who has lost her Dad and has to go to your house to see him. Show a little concern, she's 5 ffs. You are picking a fight with a 5 year old. Your job is to facilitate these visits and make them as pleasant as possible for the short time that they have together.

don't care if it was you or DP that made her sit in front of a congealed bowl of porridge for TWO HOURS. It's totally unacceptable and very nasty.

Why isn't your DP stepping up to the mark? It sounds as if he and you have fundamentally different approaches to dealing with DSD - that's never going to work. Why isn't he raising the potential for health issues with her mum and why haven't you discussed a collaborative approach to addressing this issue?
To be honest it sounds as if you have 3 children in the house

don't care if it was you or DP that made her sit in front of a congealed bowl of porridge for TWO HOURS said dwarf

Just make sure you pick on the right person though

No good giving the OP a hard time if it wasn't her, is there?

Dwarf You are piling in on the OP now, no need. She's come back and acknowledged she's finding it hard. If you feel angry with anyone, it should be her DP, who is putting both her and DSD in a horrid position, by being so unyeilding.

^Smiley, please listen to what posters are saying.

You need to find a different approach. ^

That's why she's on here, isn't it? Asking for suggestions as she's run out of ideas?

She hasn't said she won't compromise, she's said she's trying to find ways of not giving her pure junk food. She hasn't said no to every idea, but said what she's tried and hasn't worked.

It does sound difficult OP. I am relatively lucky with my dcs they will both eat most things (although Dd is pescatarian). With visiting fuss pots I tend to serve something unbelievably plain (plain pasta ,margeriuta pizza, jacket spuds) and serve other things in bowls for people to help themselves. Other things which work well along these lines are Mexican wraps (with cooked chicken, lettuce, salsa,guacamole,cheese all separate) hope that helps.

it wasnt myself who made her sit over a bowl of porridge for two I hours! It was DP. I give her 30 mins

You should have made that clear in your OP. Even 30 minutes is too long. You should't be forcing her at all. I don't see how you can say that is 'pandering to her'. She's going to grow up to hate you both. You don't seem able to compromise and that's a very bad route to take with children.

Have tried discussing as I have here but of course the step mum is always the nasty wicked witch. And no I don't have to pander round her nor do I stand over her to make her eat!! You are completely imagining this and making presumptions. As I said very nasty, very personal and very wrong

OP, you're having a hard time. You didn't sound smug to me and I can see why you don't want to buy overpriced crap no one else will eat. You've just got the anti-snobbery brigade on your tail.

All children - especially step-children - have to get used to the fact that food at other people's houses is different. Some will be better, some worse. Could you alternate some of your classic family favourites with some more "deconstructed" food - eg bread, hummus, carrot sticks, ham, or big bowl of pasta where everyone takes cheese, or a helping of hot passata, with vegetables on the side? (Even if she only has pasta and cheese, at least it would be a compromise and she won't have gone hungry.) Sometimes children don't like "mixing" things so if you offer individual bits for her to sort out herself it might help.

Are baked beans acceptable to you both, on toast or a potato? Chicken schnitzel? Dry pan-fried plaice with wedges? Spag Bol? (Thai?) Fish cakes? Satay dipping skewers? Stuff that's "family-style" you can help yourself to?

But - she is only five, and mealtimes come up three times a day. Obviously you know this, but that's a lot of time in the day for a little person to feel anxious and sad, and I'm sure that's the last atmosphere you want for foster in the house for your DSD. I say talk to her about it as much as possible. You probably can't make long-term changes alone, but she will have to accept that the rules are different in your house and live by that.

I'm the only one who facilitates anything thank you very much!! I work full time as well! I do everything for them kids!!!

I have two friends who had disturbed childhoods because their mothers were ill. They had to spend extended periods being passed around relatives.

What was the worst thing? Missing their mother? Worry about where they'd be living next? Changing schools?

No - they both say it was the food. Other people's stew didn't taste the same as their mums'. Auntie's family had tinned tomatoes on toast for breakfast. Etc etc.

Don't underestimate how important food is as a link with the familiar. Coco pops, fish and chips, Chinese - all taste much the same wherever you are. No matter how kind you are and how much your DH does to make her feel at home, it's still not HOME. And when she's not at ease, her stomach will go into knots. The last thing she needs is a totally new diet.

How much harm can one bowl of coco pops do your dd? It sounds as if you are being very inflexible. Take this very slowly. Let her have enough of what she's used to and introduce new foods only when she's comfortable in her surroundings.

I am indeed angry with her DP for making her sit in front of porridge for two hours, and with the OP for allowing him to do it. Had the thread been called is my dp unreasonable for doing this to a five year old, I would have said yes. This thread isn't about cooking tips, it is about a little kid who is being treated unkindly.

editthis thank you that is very helpful advice and you've put my own points across better than I had put them across myself. I will certainly try that. Any progress no matter how small has to be better than no progress

Well,I would turn my nose up at fruit pizza as well tbh.

What do you consider healthy? What are the pizza toppings she likes and what are the ones you consider 'healthy' ?

I ask because some people are quite extreme in their idea of what is healthy and forget it is all about balance.

You also appear to go a little too far. You're complaints so far are about porridge and scrambled eggs. That's no biggy. There are various things and you've gone the complete opposite there. Oh ok,you tried cornflakes and wheatabix - Cereal, but so far off what she likes it's not the most likely temptation.