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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you have done in this situation? (Parent and child in shop)

128 replies

lomega · 02/01/2015 18:01

So I've been thinking on this probably far too heavily today but it's on my mind and I want to know if IABU and need to mind my own beeswax, OR whether (if this happens in future) I should have acted more.

I was out today up our local shops with my husband and DS in his pushchair. We were in a high-street shop just picking up a couple of bits and bobs and got into the queue to pay.

The woman in front of us screamed, not just raised her voice, screamed in her daughter's face (DD looked about 6ish), from what I could tell from the onslaught she was begging/whining a bit for something in the shop and then arguing when mum said no.
Little girl turned round at one point, her face was distraught. Mother was yelling at her for a good 5 mins (queue was fairly long/looked like new cashiers were being trained.) The child was standing crying at this point and wasn't doing anything else/wasn't saying anything but the mum kept harping on, 'when you get home' threats etc. Very aggressive and mean. When they got served and left the woman was still shouting and dragged the little girl out of the shop roughly by her arm.

I wanted, desperately, to say something and muttered so to my DH. He told me no, to mind my own business, and that saying/doing anything would be wrong as the child has clearly pushed her mum to the point of losing her temper.
I am a bit of a wuss and would probably shrivel if the woman had turned her yelling onto me but at least it would have taken the heat off of the girl.
I am kicking myself for not saying anything and wish like mad I'd said 'hey take it easy' but, on the other hand, I'm sort of glad I kept my mouth shut as if my DS was being a pain I'd take umbridge at a stranger criticising me. (Though I would NEVER shout in his face, swearing, in the middle of a shop, to humiliate/upset him...)

What would you have done? Sorry this is on my mind so much :(

OP posts:
madsadbad · 02/01/2015 22:45

"Lets bring children up in a world where no one ever shouts, conflicts never happen and nobody is ever angry... that'll prepare them for the real world and life as an adult"
If no one ever shouted in the world and conflicts never happened and nobody was angry- then the world would still be the same whether an adult or a child so they would be ready for the real world Confused

GallicShrug · 02/01/2015 22:46

Urgh, that's horrible Totes. Shades of my young life Angry

BathshebaDarkstone · 02/01/2015 22:47

I'd probably have asked the mum if she was okay, I've lost it with my 2 a few times. Sad

Canigetanamen · 02/01/2015 22:52

www.mumsnet.com/Profile?nick=GallicShrug

She was shouting the whole case would have been thrown out however having been up for about 3 days straight with a baby withdrawing from drugs I was pretty all over the place

In a ideal world were robots replace humans no one should shout but it happens no one should argue with dp infront of their children but were flesh and blood labeling somone as an abuser when your not privey to the bigger picture is very very danrgous

Canigetanamen · 02/01/2015 22:54

Not me withdrawing from drugs the baby Grin just read what I posted it sounded really wrong

Canigetanamen · 02/01/2015 22:56

Add message | Report | Message poster BathshebaDarkstone Fri 02-Jan-15 22:47:34
I'd probably have asked the mum if she was okay, I've lost it with my 2 a few times.

I think that's the most sensible post however the op was to bust holding up her judging pants and wanted to tut tut and the women who may have been dealing with all sorts sometimes you child's behaviour can push you over the edge

Bulbasaur · 02/01/2015 23:12

Personally I wouldn't have done anything. I do find it obnoxious when parents match their child's emotional level and throw a tantrum of their own though.

The difference between an adult and a child is as an adult, you can walk away and leave the other while you cool off. Not the case with a child. You're stuck dealing with it with no respite. Ideally you wouldn't lose your temper, but parents aren't always set up for success in these situations either. Both child and parent end up losing.

In any case, there's no point in intervening. It's not abusive unless the mother was making personal attacks, calling the child worthless, etc... Shouting isn't abusive in and of itself. Of course the child is going to be distressed, she's getting disciplined. I know kids that cry when they get put in the corner. If she was in an abusive situation, she'd be too afraid to be arguing with her mother in the first place.

Hurr1cane · 02/01/2015 23:19

Oh it's so horrible to see. I've seen it once, luckily somewhere with support (me and one other) I went and picked up the child while the other woman went and got the mother and took her for a cup of tea and to calm down and talk through what was going wrong, the poor woman had just snapped, weeks of no sleep and a child with severely challenging behaviour. She was distraught when I picked up the child and she sort of snapped out of it and realised what she had done and just kept saying "I'm so so tired, I'm so sorry, don't take him away from me I'm just tired" (I wasn't taking him away I was taking him off to play while she had a little break and a calm down)

If I saw this while out I might try to distract and diffuse while ignoring the situation.

I have never ever ever snapped at DS like that, and in the past he was extremely challenging, but I have, after he was in bed, told the washing machine to fuck the fuck off and drown in its stupid suds the massive spinning wanker....

GallicShrug · 02/01/2015 23:26

I have, after he was in bed, told the washing machine to fuck the fuck off and drown in its stupid suds the massive spinning wanker....

Grin That's healthy anger! Give yourself a medal - and another one for interrupting the situation with the snapped-out mother Crown

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 02/01/2015 23:26

I really wouldn't advise going and picking a strangers child up in such a situation

Hurr1cane · 02/01/2015 23:27

Forgot to say as well, with that woman it was the embarrassment that sent her over the edge I think, the child got over excited and bit me, although I didn't react in the slightest and just said "I don't like being bitten it hurts" she couldn't stop apologising and got more and more flustered even though I kept telling her it was fine and didn't hurt. So I think embarrassing someone on the edge would probably just make matters worse Sad

I am in no way condoning this behaviour by the way. It is abusive. I'm just saying sometimes it isn't something that always happens and it's something that's come from months of stress.

FreudiansSlipper · 02/01/2015 23:27

the woman was screaming in her child's face

that is very different from being shouty

I am sure we have all been shouty and too shouty and snapped at times but that is very very different from screaming or shouting in a childs face and for a good 5 minutes

this was common behaviour in the 70's along with smacking in public and threats, less acceptable now we thankfully have a different attitude towards raising children

Hurr1cane · 02/01/2015 23:27

Sharon, neither would I, but she wasn't a stranger in my situation, neither was the child.

Hurr1cane · 02/01/2015 23:29

Thanks Gallic Grin I don't think the washing machine would agree with you though.

MissMess · 02/01/2015 23:35

Poor girl.
If the mum acts like that in public, I dread to think about how she acts at home.
Not sure what you could have done though, maybe some sort of distraction, but it is hard to think when you stumble across incidents like this.
Hopefully the girl has good people around her.

Hurr1cane · 02/01/2015 23:37

Although, on the picking up front, I'll never forget the day when DS was little and in mainstream school and having panic attacks about going (because it was horrid) and I was struggling to get him out of the car while he fought me.

Another mum, who wasn't english (only relevant because it was something that is acceptable in her culture as her flustered husband explained afterwards) marched up to me, picked up my child, and marched off to school, with her own perfectly behaved child following on behind nonplussed about the entire event. I followed on in some sort of confused haze GrinGrinGrin

I was very thankful in the aftermath of it all though.

Snappynewyear · 03/01/2015 08:43

So if it's alright to scream at a child because it's disciplining them? And don't forget she was also threatening the child with " when you get home".

So when you don't complete work on time it's ok for your boss to scream at you for five minutes and threaten you and call it discipline? Hmm

To say being abused only means being beaten, so anything less than this cannot therefore be abuse is ridiculous. A man screaming at his wife for 5 minutes and threatening her 'when we get home' ..... would be instantly recognised as an abuser, so why the blinkers when it comes to children?

We've probably all been the parent of a misbehaving child and felt our self control slipping away in public but embarrassment is much more likely than anger. In private its easier because you can just send the child to their room! All I can say is I pity the children of the parents who are justifying this bullying behaviour. They need to learn to be the adult in the situation not have a 'tantrum' themselves!

attheendoftheday · 03/01/2015 09:51

I hope I would have said something. I grew up in an abusive home and the acceptance of the adults around of my dad's treatment gave me the clear message that it was not worth seeking help, that I couldnt expect to be protected. Even an "Is everything alright?" makes it clear that what's happening is not normal/acceptable. Yes, she may have been a basically adequate parent at her worst, but she could also have been an abusive parent who is worse in private.

Lara2 · 03/01/2015 11:07

In many ways this is such a depressing thread - we have all become too scared to be judgemental of bad/poor/inappropriate/abusive behaviour. We tell each other to "mind your own business" etc. in another thread I asked exactly whose business is it then? When did we all become so detached from others in our community that we not only stand by when we witness abusive behaviour but we actually criticise each other for wondering if they did the right thing by not saying anything?
It was a difficult situation, we don't know the context etc, but should that really stop someone asking if everything was OK? What's the worst that would happen? You get shouted at, told to fuck off? Screaming in anyone's face is NOT OK and a moments distraction might just make someone think.

ithoughtofitfirst · 03/01/2015 13:41

I agree that this thread is very depressing.

Nokidsnoproblem · 03/01/2015 16:33

I remember when Baby P was the big story and there were tons of threads on here all asking why nobody stepped in, and then you get a thread like this!

LurkingHusband · 03/01/2015 16:47

No real comments on OP, but "mind my own beeswax" must count as one of the most inspired autocorrects I have ever read.

I intend to use it from now on Grin

woowoo22 · 03/01/2015 17:04

Mind you own beeswax is a scottish phrase LurkingHusband

LurkingHusband · 03/01/2015 17:11

woowoo22

First new fact of 2015 Smile

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 03/01/2015 18:01

oh op I feel sad, I hope that it was a one off, I feel very sad when I see children being upset by the person caring for with them but am realistic enough to know that it is not always a sign of ongoing abuse, often its just that snapshot of a difficult day but it does upset me. i have made comments when I felt things were over the top and have suffered the abuse for it too but poor love, lets just hope it was just a bad moment eh.

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