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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you have done in this situation? (Parent and child in shop)

128 replies

lomega · 02/01/2015 18:01

So I've been thinking on this probably far too heavily today but it's on my mind and I want to know if IABU and need to mind my own beeswax, OR whether (if this happens in future) I should have acted more.

I was out today up our local shops with my husband and DS in his pushchair. We were in a high-street shop just picking up a couple of bits and bobs and got into the queue to pay.

The woman in front of us screamed, not just raised her voice, screamed in her daughter's face (DD looked about 6ish), from what I could tell from the onslaught she was begging/whining a bit for something in the shop and then arguing when mum said no.
Little girl turned round at one point, her face was distraught. Mother was yelling at her for a good 5 mins (queue was fairly long/looked like new cashiers were being trained.) The child was standing crying at this point and wasn't doing anything else/wasn't saying anything but the mum kept harping on, 'when you get home' threats etc. Very aggressive and mean. When they got served and left the woman was still shouting and dragged the little girl out of the shop roughly by her arm.

I wanted, desperately, to say something and muttered so to my DH. He told me no, to mind my own business, and that saying/doing anything would be wrong as the child has clearly pushed her mum to the point of losing her temper.
I am a bit of a wuss and would probably shrivel if the woman had turned her yelling onto me but at least it would have taken the heat off of the girl.
I am kicking myself for not saying anything and wish like mad I'd said 'hey take it easy' but, on the other hand, I'm sort of glad I kept my mouth shut as if my DS was being a pain I'd take umbridge at a stranger criticising me. (Though I would NEVER shout in his face, swearing, in the middle of a shop, to humiliate/upset him...)

What would you have done? Sorry this is on my mind so much :(

OP posts:
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 02/01/2015 19:11

Go and scrub your halo at home What an unhelpful thing to say. You don't have any idea what the full story is either Somemothers, but seem to be assuming that (a) the mother is a perfectly good parent 99% of the time and (b) the OP is only interested in judging the mum, rather than in helping diffuse what she perceived to be a nasty distressing situation for the child.

Somemothers · 02/01/2015 19:12

Mc dog Agree 100% if ss started intervening in every parent who lost if they would be bankrupt with in one day

I would love to have seen the ops face when I was young and a policeman next door had to come and collect us as we had stolen a toblernone from woolworths

I at the age of 8 had actually never heard lagunage like that from a adult he was shouting so load and so much every one in the shop was watching roll on 24 years she is not a drug addicted abused women her father nor was her father abusive she is actually now a police women herself and when ever we catch up as my dad and hers still next door we actually giggle about that time her dad went nuts in Woolys over the chocolate we went so red we thought his face was going to explode it wasn't of course funny at the time and my parents went the other way they just didn't say anything for ages personally I think I preferred the telling off

madsadbad · 02/01/2015 19:12

Somemothers- who said that on this thread?

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 02/01/2015 19:13

Who on this thread has said SS should be called then? Hmm

newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 02/01/2015 19:14

Your DP is right, you wouldn't have defused the situation, you would have inflamed it. I love it when people say defuse a situation, that's a very rare skill to have to e able to do that and for the majority of people what makes your words so special you think you could defuse a situation like this? If she's a bad mother and an aggressive person, you're just going to piss her off more. In fact in pretty much every situation unless you are awesome at engaging in communication and can read people very well you take the risk of inflaming or as even you said OP, really upset an already upset mum. There's very few people that good that could do that.

If it's a mum at the end of a tether she'll be distraught and feel shit at your intervention, her DD will see your interference as someone taking her side and see herself as right. I know when someone told my mum to calm down when I was being a brat, I apparently told her 'ha ha you've been bad. You're a bad mum!" Made my mum burst into tears, I then got an earful from the understanding ladies and my dad was pissed.

Her daughter may have been distraught. Equally she could have been a brat like I was and easily able to play the parents.

If she'd slapped the child or been very aggressive, or was known for constantly being this way to her kids then I'd call someone. If not, you see a snapshot- that it all.

I'd put it out of your mind because it's too late now and theorising does nothing- there's a hundred stories of bad mothers, mothers at the end of their tethers, poor kids, shitty kids like myself...you did what you did, can't change it now and it's not going to hep you any to read all the stories where other people did other thinsg with other situations and other outcomes.

Would you do the same again? Would you have done something without your DH there?

SaucyJack · 02/01/2015 19:18

I don't think I would've done anything tbh- specially if it was perfectly clear that the child's whinging had pushed her mum over the edge and it wasn't unprovoked or violent.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Snappynewyear · 02/01/2015 19:24

No child however much of a 'brat' deserves to be spoken to like this Sad it's humiliating and intimidating to be screamed at in public. Any reasonably competent parent could control themselves enough to speak firmly to the child and explain they would be sent to their room for an hour when they get home.

I've been in this situation with DS and just took him home in the car after abandoning a trolley full of shopping. I would never scream abuse at a child.

As for intervening, in this case no. She was clearly an angry and aggressive parent who would no doubt have turned that anger on you, and may even have then punished her DD more for being humiliated in public by you. If she appeared upset rather than angry I would have asked her if she needed some help with goods.

Snappynewyear · 02/01/2015 19:26

And if a mother behaves in the abusive way in public what the hell does she do behind closed doors?

Most of us wouldn't (I hope) scream at a young child?

Feellikescrooge · 02/01/2015 19:32

It is not a matter of my halo it is more that'd we have got to the situation that parents rights always seem to be the most important. Emotional abuse is also damaging and I would imagine the OP was well able to distinguish between 'normal' frustration and something that is OTT.

Laura Bates is a woman who has exposed how our acceptance of sexist remarks has enabled sexual assaults to go unchallenged. Check you tube it is quite harrowing.

ithoughtofitfirst · 02/01/2015 19:38

Oh God I completely lost it with my ds in front of MIL once and she wiped the floor with me over it. She was right. Of course. But I'm still really pissed of that she didn't just mind her own business. It's one of 2 times I've ever boiled over with him. It wasn't my proudest moment I must say.

woowoo22 · 02/01/2015 19:55

I was in Asda cafe 2 days ago and a man had an approx. 8 year old who was refusing to sit with the rest of the family as his siblings were teasing him. The man was so menacing and threatened to throw his son (I assume) out the "f"@^#," window. He also made everyone else sit at the same table as the 8 year old with the wee boy continuing to be wound up.The woman with them, I assume his mum, ate her breakfast with tears rolling down her face.

It was fecking awful. I didn't say anything and was unsure if I should have. He was like a drill sargeant in the boys face, disgustingly menacing.

woowoo22 · 02/01/2015 19:55

He also grabbed the boy by the shoulders and he started crying.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 02/01/2015 20:06

Children and shopping is never a good combination. But, if I was shouting at one of my DC and someone interfered I'd tell them to Fuck Right Off.

Though on another thread, a MN saw a man punch his dog and everyone who replied says "Well done" for challenging him.
But not a parent (albiet not punching) a child.

woowoo22 · 02/01/2015 20:11

I just think there is no justification for telling a child you will put them out the f"@^##*#( window, snarling in their face and antagonising them.

But from reading threads on here I thought if I said anything it could make things worse. 3 kids. Those poor poor wee kids.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 02/01/2015 20:13

And personally speaking, all the "if this is what they're like in public , imagine what happens behind closed doors". well, yes , for some children it will be worse, much worse.
But my DC used to wind me up (deliberate or otherwise) by crossing in front of me, when I have asked them to walk either side. Or worse, diving in front of someone else.
Indoors, I can walk away or send them off to do something. I don't need to worry about what they're up to.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 02/01/2015 20:15

I know what you mean woo and the Mums face tells a lot too, the fact she sat in tears but didn't challenge him. Very Sad and Angry

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 20:19

Yabvu mum did nothing wrong. Girl was probably pushing her buttons, and whining all the time in the shop. We're only human, as long as she wasent hitting and swearing at her dd.

LadyLuck10 · 02/01/2015 20:28

Fgs you Mind your business op. You sad face and handwringing over this, makes you think you are the perfect parent. You must be a saint to never ever get angry.

woowoo22 · 02/01/2015 20:31

I thought about contacting thw NSPCC but have no names/addresses etc and not sure if CCTV would help.

Does anyone know if the NSPCC recommend saying something or not in similar situations?

woowoo22 · 02/01/2015 20:33

Seriously? A five minute tirade is warranted??? Five whole minutes, in public?

It is wrong. No matter the annoyance/button pushing and all the rest of it. Would never berate anyone for 5 whole bloody minutes, must have felt like an eternity.

ToffeeCaramel · 02/01/2015 20:36

I'm sure we all get driven to shouting at our kids sometimes, but screaming in a child's face for five minutes crosses the line into abuse imo.

Birdsgottafly · 02/01/2015 20:41

""And if a mother behaves in the abusive way in public what the hell does she do behind closed doors?""

I've said this before, but as a ex CP SW who dealt with abused children and abusers daily.

Children who are beaten/abused behind closed doors don't nag or whinge (as the OP had said this child had done), they are well behaved, through fear.

Some people shout more than others and until they are taught better ways of handling bad behaviour, that's what they do.

That little girl may be parenting the exact same way in twelve years time.

It doesn't mean they hit their children.

One thing you could never do is point out the worse perpetrators of any type of abuse, just by seeing snapshots.

The story about the policeman screaming in a child's face is interesting, because our teachers (70's) did the exact same.

Canigetanamen · 02/01/2015 20:41

poster Snappynewyear

Well I suppose I guess you get mum of the year then but the MAJORITY of parents have lost it at some point and shouted at our children or even given punishments that don't really fit the bill.

Most parents unlike you are not perfect and loose it once and a while

Teachers loose it just watch education ......... And ds has come home once in a blue moon with a story about a teacher who's really shouted when one person has talked one to many times in class
I have seen sw loose it
I just hope all those mother Teresa's never get caught at a snap shot moment upset or cross or god forbid loosing it

ToffeeCaramel · 02/01/2015 20:42

You only have to imagine screaming in your own child's face for five minutes to know how abusive and damaging it would be.

Original poster
lomega · 02/01/2015 20:43

Thank you all for your responses and perspectives! Overall I am pleased I didn't say anything incase it ignited the woman further, or came across as "polishing my halo"

Sure I get cross like any parent would do - but shouting in a young child's face so viciously seemed wrong to me. You are right I didn't know the whole story, however. I am glad I minded my own business.

The handwringing is probably because I'm a bit hormonal today, normally I don't think on things like this too much!!

OP posts:
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