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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you have done in this situation? (Parent and child in shop)

128 replies

lomega · 02/01/2015 18:01

So I've been thinking on this probably far too heavily today but it's on my mind and I want to know if IABU and need to mind my own beeswax, OR whether (if this happens in future) I should have acted more.

I was out today up our local shops with my husband and DS in his pushchair. We were in a high-street shop just picking up a couple of bits and bobs and got into the queue to pay.

The woman in front of us screamed, not just raised her voice, screamed in her daughter's face (DD looked about 6ish), from what I could tell from the onslaught she was begging/whining a bit for something in the shop and then arguing when mum said no.
Little girl turned round at one point, her face was distraught. Mother was yelling at her for a good 5 mins (queue was fairly long/looked like new cashiers were being trained.) The child was standing crying at this point and wasn't doing anything else/wasn't saying anything but the mum kept harping on, 'when you get home' threats etc. Very aggressive and mean. When they got served and left the woman was still shouting and dragged the little girl out of the shop roughly by her arm.

I wanted, desperately, to say something and muttered so to my DH. He told me no, to mind my own business, and that saying/doing anything would be wrong as the child has clearly pushed her mum to the point of losing her temper.
I am a bit of a wuss and would probably shrivel if the woman had turned her yelling onto me but at least it would have taken the heat off of the girl.
I am kicking myself for not saying anything and wish like mad I'd said 'hey take it easy' but, on the other hand, I'm sort of glad I kept my mouth shut as if my DS was being a pain I'd take umbridge at a stranger criticising me. (Though I would NEVER shout in his face, swearing, in the middle of a shop, to humiliate/upset him...)

What would you have done? Sorry this is on my mind so much :(

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 02/01/2015 21:44

Screaming. Not shouting.

SoonToBeSix · 02/01/2015 21:45

Feellike the parents needs aren't prioritised. Keep the child with their family is prioritised.
A child will be far more damaged living with the best foster parents in the world than they would not always having clean clothes.

GallicShrug · 02/01/2015 21:46

I find the hinges on my angle wings take the longest. I should've got curved wings instead.

FYI, I completely stopped raging after I'd done enough therapy to recover from my childhood. My childhood taught me that losing it was the usual response to frustrating situations, so I didn't know any different. I recommend learning different responses. Preferably ones that don't terrify & humiliate small children.

Canigetanamen · 02/01/2015 21:47

Well not only you are a perfectly controlled parent you are a master pendant don't correct spelling espically when you know what was ment it makes you look like a tit

People only tend to start on spelling when their looseing

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 02/01/2015 21:47

I'm with your husband. Leave well alone. You don't know the circumstances, what kind of day they've had or what they're going through at the moment. As parents we'll all be tested and will speak to our children in ways we regret. Just hope that when your time comes it doesn't happen in public

woowoo22 · 02/01/2015 21:50

She doesn't look like a tit.

She looks like someone who has empathy, which it seems a lot of posters are lacking.

GallicShrug · 02/01/2015 21:51

You lot do know that coercive control (emotional abuse) is a crime, don't you?

Obviously we don't know whether the incident in the OP was part of a pattern of behaviour. Maybe the mother was instantly sorry and tried to make it up to the girl, I hope so. But anyone who regularly behaves like this towards their children is damaging them for life, and it is a crime.
Parenting support can help.

Canigetanamen · 02/01/2015 21:55

Add message | Report | Message poster woowoo22 Fri 02-Jan-15 21:50:05
She doesn't look like a tit.

She looks like someone who has empathy, which it seems a lot of posters are lacking.
when you start commenting on spelling whilest having a debate it's normally a sighn you feel your loosing and makes you look like a tit save if for pendants corner

GallicShrug · 02/01/2015 21:57

It was a small joke. Maybe it went over your head.

debbriana · 02/01/2015 21:59

One, I would mind my own business. Only intervene if you think the child is in danger. By the sound of what you just said she wasn't.

Two, if that was me and you intervened, I would tell you off. How dare you undermined a mother I front of their child. Do you consider yourself a better mother?
People like you are the ones that encourage children to get a away with rubbish because they know that someone will step in.

If am telling off my child no one should ever raise a voice to say am wrong in front if her. You can take me aside later and deal with me.

ConfusedintheNorth · 02/01/2015 22:04

"I've been in this situation with DS and just took him home in the car after abandoning a trolley full of shopping." - lucky you not everyone a) drives and b) has the luxury of being able to go shopping whenever the fancy takes them.

I've lost it with the kids before, no it's not ideal parenting, but two kids plus public transport, plus anxiety over keeping track of how much I was spending to spear myself the humiliation of my debit card being rejected...again, plus not having had a conversation with another adult in 4 days... It was not an easy time in my life and it was reflected in the odd melt down moment. However years on the kids are happy, well adjusted little people, certainly not suffering any "long term effects of emotional abuse"

Mind your own business.

woowoo22 · 02/01/2015 22:04

Ugh this thread is infuriating.

Hope no one gets screamed at by their boss/milkman/anyone else or dragged about.

Or actually it would be fine if you were being really annoying and they snapped.

Yep.

Bakeoffcakes · 02/01/2015 22:05

I would say something if someone was screaming in the face of a child for 5 minutes.

I can't believe no one in a busy supermarket did anythingSad

Canigetanamen · 02/01/2015 22:11

Add message | Report | Message poster Bakeoffcakes Fri 02-Jan-15 22:05:21
I would say something if someone was screaming in the face of a child for 5 minutes.

I can't believe no one in a busy supermarket did anythingor the truth of the matter was a child was getting shouted out loudly op felt unconfatble because it's not what she would do with all of her wealth of parenting experience and her angle wings could have been 5 minutes however op was not timing so is probley seemed like 5 minutes but needed to say this to give the story more bite the girl was crying most children tend to sob when getting told off op the did not see the atsrt and she wasn't their for the end

Canigetanamen · 02/01/2015 22:16

poster woowoo22

Get a grip people get shouted at all the fucking time by their boss /milk man ECt
I got shouted at by a sw when we were in a review meeting I turned up late with out my notes she screamed

No no go home now get the notes were in court in two days GO now GO NOW WE will wait

What Victorian world do you live in were one dosent raise their voice above a whisper when displeased

Bakeoffcakes · 02/01/2015 22:19

Can your SW should not be shouting at you.

And no one should be be shouted at by their boss or the milkmanHmm

If what the OP said is true, someone should have done something.

ToomanyChristmasPresents · 02/01/2015 22:22

OP, the mum sounds awful and scary. I understand you being disturbed. I don't think there was anything you could do. Any intervention by you would likely have wound the woman up more, and you know who she would take it out on...

Snappynewyear · 02/01/2015 22:23

Deb. I think the only person undermining the mother is the mother herself Sad. And sadly most people don't step in because they are afraid of making a bad situation worse.

No one, least of all children, should have to accept verbal abuse as the norm.

I saw a couple in a supermarket fussing over their beautifully dressed baby daughter but when the son (5 ish) spoke his father turned abruptly and glared at him. That boy actually flinched as though he was going to be hit. He went quiet. Dad didn't even speak and they turned back their attention to the DD. I wanted to pick that little boy up and run with him. The way some children are treated breaks my heart.

And don't even ask about the little boy in the red wellies Sad.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 02/01/2015 22:24

I am as sure as I can be without being there that this didn't go on for 5 minutes. no-one has the puff, no matter how irate they might be.
One day, OP, you will lose it with your LO and do the shouty mummy thing and yes, you will feel like a shit afterwards.But that's OK, because it's how you will learn to be a better parent, and also to be less insufferably judgmental towards everyone else. And it won't damage your LO either. So chill.

Canigetanamen · 02/01/2015 22:28

So in your years of child protection you get from that the boy is being abused

Putting 5+6 and making blue are we I am so glad we actually have trained people who are tasked with assessing situations over a period of time because sw know that making snap judgment with isolated incidents is the road to runiun can lead to good parents being judged as Abusive but can lead to bad parents labeled as super

woowoo22 · 02/01/2015 22:28

I have never been SCREAMED at by anyone other than abusive ex H. Who was a dick. As are people like him.

ConfusedintheNorth · 02/01/2015 22:33

Canigetanamen - THANK YOU!

"Lets bring children up in a world where no one ever shouts, conflicts never happen and nobody is ever angry... that'll prepare them for the real world and life as an adult"

Hmmmm... yeah... now those parents I do worry about!

Totesnamechanged · 02/01/2015 22:33

It's been interesting reading this thread after witnessing similar incident at a soft play at the weekend.

A little boy who was 3, possibly 4 was standing with who I assume was his Mum and Dad, the were 5 feet for where I was sitting and the little boy was having a whinge about something.

The father bent down and literally screamed in the little boys face. The boy physically flinched and so did the lady(his mum?) she went to comfort the boy but the male stopped her.

I couldn't help but look as they were stood right in front of me and the father obviously took offence to this and proceeded to stare at me for the next hour. He was huge, well over 6 feet and for me there's absolutely no need to scream in the face of anyone, let alone a child of 3 or 4.

GallicShrug · 02/01/2015 22:42

lead to good parents being judged as Abusive

Look. Abusing someone is abuse. Raging in someone's face is abuse. When you lose control and take it out on someone else, you abuse them.

Perpetrating abuse once in a blue moon, and regretting it, and trying to make amends, is far from ideal but it isn't 'being an abuser'. It's acting abusively and being sorry for it.

Doing it regularly means you are an abuser. Whether you apologise or not. Abuser is just another word for bully. Bullies like to pick on targets they think are weak. A young child is weak compared to an adult. So any adult who regularly bullies a young child is a child abuser. They are damaging that child's life chances, and they're breaking the law.

That should be clear.

A SW should not shout at you, ever. Was she shouting or speaking very urgently, as you were on deadline?
I hope it turned out OK, whatever it was.

GallicShrug · 02/01/2015 22:45

... conflicts never happen and nobody is ever angry

Some people can't seem to grasp that conflict & anger don't have to mean losing control. In fact you're more likely to win if you're in control of yourself.