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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? My mother!

92 replies

Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 09:09

Ok so a bit of background, my mother has had a history of mental illness, she has done some very disgusting things in the past when suffering, including telling me to leave my husband on our sons funeral day as I had no reason to stay with him now ( we were together 4 years before our son was born). Telling me it was my husbands fault he died, telling me she would have his name ( the baby) removed from his headstone. Telling me I am like baby P's mum, because I came and got ds after she asked for him overnight and decided to go out drinking....

I could go on but I would be here all day and would like you lot to be able to get through the post without sticking pencils in your eyes....

So the boys went to stay at hers after Christmas for two days, I didn't leave her their car seats as she drinks a LOT and I didn't want her to drive with them if she had been drinking ( a daily happening in her new home) My nan was also with them, she will not drive the boys as she is a nervous driver...

I show up to pick them up and my nan was with them, I noticed some balloons from a restaurant and I asked " did you go out to eat?" My nans eyes nearly popped out of her head, "yes!" she said, "How did you get there?" " your mum got them car seats" ( by the way my nan is fully aware of why there are no seats and tells me daily how dangerous my mother is and what a drunk she is etc.!) I started shaking my head and she went mad saying she was there and seem my mother didn't drink and how its not HER PROBLEM! After months of telling me that it will all be fine as she is there now too so she can make sure everything is ok, and that we are not being lied too ( my mothers husband put my 4 year old in the car with no seat, then threatened my 8 year old that he would send him back with his nan if he didn't shut up about it...My mother chose to keep this a secret as she "knew I would react like this!" Upset as you can imagine! )

I know this is really long and there is so much I left out, I am sorry for putting you through it if you made it this far, but now apparently I am the bad guy in all this, my nan told me she wants to never see us again ( classic nan) And I am sick to death of their bull shit basically, am I being unreasonable to say " fuck you all!" to them ( I know I am but I needed a bit of comic release at the end there)

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 02/01/2015 09:13

Wow. Why did you leave your children with her, was there not an option to not do this?

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 09:13

Just thought I would clarify, my mum is not drinking then getting in the car, she drinks that much she would still be over the next day, and he driving without that is really bad!

OP posts:
Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 02/01/2015 09:14

Why on earth do you speak to this woman, let alone leave your children with her!? Shock

You can't change her behaviour but you can change yours. I can't believe you let them go stay with her tbh.

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/01/2015 09:14

I'd say fuck them all and I've never met them - just on the basis of that thread.

Yes, never let your kids stay with them again.

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 09:15

I didn't want them to go, I had pressure from my nan to let them stay as my nan has moved closer to her, and basically my mum kicks off like an idiot until she gets her own way! I spend the whole time worried they are with her, but my husband has said its not happening again!

OP posts:
NickiFury · 02/01/2015 09:16

I'm sorry but what the hell are you doing leaving your children with her at all?! Shock

You are focussing on entirely the wrong thing. You know she can't be trusted why are you surprised by this latest incident.

I would never leave my children with her, I have refused others to care for my dc for far less.

Pippidoeswhatshewants · 02/01/2015 09:16

Your dh is spot on, no more unsupervised contact!

marriednotdead · 02/01/2015 09:17

It's clear that none of them can be trusted to keep your DCs safe, and I sincerely hope that you won't send them again.

Only you can decide whether you want to keep in touch with such toxic people...

YANBU to want to fuck them all off, but YWU to expect better than you got, based on your past experience.

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 09:21

You are right Marriednotdead, I was bu to expect better from her, when you have had a mother that has undermined you for the whole of your life its difficult to assert yourself, anything you say she will kick off!

Everything always gets swept under the carpet and I am sic of it! Dh said they can come here, we can go there for dinner ect but that's it! And what he says goes as far as I am concerned, I cant argue at all!

OP posts:
paperlace · 02/01/2015 09:23

Definitely don't allow them to stay with her again.

I'm sorry you have a complete arsehole of a mother. But you have. Many of us do. Consider going no contact - your life will be so much better. You will never, ever win with her. She will never, ever change. You will always, always be the bad guy. Honestly - that will NEVER change. So what's in it for your to stay in contact?

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 02/01/2015 09:27

Do not leave your children with her ever again. You are the last person anyone needs to tell that children are precious.

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 09:27

Nothing paperlace, nothing at all, she doesn't car about me at all, she undermines me, goes out of her way to do the opposite of what I ask her, my ds has autism and I ask her to de certain things and she refuses, does the opposite... I am tired!!

OP posts:
caravanista13 · 02/01/2015 09:28

She is not safe to care for them. Don't do it!

Inertia · 02/01/2015 09:29

Lesson learned here is that you don't let them go and stay with her at all.

Somebody who drives while over the limit will not give a flying fig about car seats.

Your mum has said some absolutely vile things, and done some incredibly dangerous and stupid things. Let her kick off, Your children cannot be used to appease her tantrums.

Hatespiders · 02/01/2015 09:32

Goodness me, I wouldn't ever ever leave any children under this woman's care! I'd be terrified. I can't even see why you have any contact at all with her. You've had a lot of sadness and problems in your life. One way to get some peace and tranquillity is to blank her completely and go NC.
Just because she's (unfortunately) your blessed mother doesn't mean you have to suffer her rubbish like this. Poor you, I should think you jolly well are tired. Stand up for yourself and draw some boundaries.

Goldmandra · 02/01/2015 09:36

basically my mum kicks off like an idiot until she gets her own way!

You cannot put your children at risk to prevent your mother from having a tantrum.

Your DH's plan seems to be very appropriate. Tell her that is what will be happening in the future and stick to it regardless of how much she or your grandmother kicks off.

Your responsibility is to keep your DCs safe and parent in cooperation with your DH who is being very reasonable and constructive about the whole matter.

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 09:37

The worse thing is my lessons have been learned over and over, then I am told ( by my nan) oh she is so much better now, she did all that because she was ill, and if I don't forgive and forget then I am wrong for it, but some things I will never forgive and all I want is for my children to be safe ( I am told I am hysterical ) well I don't think I am , I manage to not drink and drive, for them to be in car seats everyday, she cant keep it up for two, but I am still in the wrong. I am not allowed to be angry when I catch her in lies about my children's safety!

I am sick of being treated like a moron, my mother thinks telling the children to lie to us is a great idea.... She offends my every bone, I just needed to hear that I am not being out of order.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 09:43

Hatespiders, I was terrified, that's why I took away the option of the car, so I thought! I also though my nan would protect them, like she said she would, but it turns out she will just shut her moth and lie too because as she said "i have to live here you know!"

OP posts:
paperlace · 02/01/2015 09:47

Jessica - who cares if you are 'in the wrong'? You are focussing on the wrong thing - I get it though, I understand the need to constantly try and please, to make them see that you are not being unreasonable, to make them see if they would only act like normal human beings then there would be peace and love all round.

I repeate IT WILL NEVER CHANGE. All you can do is change what you decide to do. I suggest NC. But if your dh's plan is enough for you for now, ok start with that.

Btw you can't trust your nan either. It's all an ugly big old pot of dysfunction that has been stewing for generations and decades. None of them know what's right or real and they don't care about you and your feelings.

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 09:53

Yep, 100% correct paperlace, the both of them are fuck ups!

And your description of the family and me trying to show them how we could all just be such a happy family if they agreed to function like normal people is spot on too. I need to accept they will never be normal, luckily I live farish away from them and like my husband said yesterday, when they did this before I was weaker I was isolated and I was grieving my child, now I have a support network, I have friends they can no longer undermine me. They have nothing to remove from me this time.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 09:53

I am with others here, why leave them with this irresponsible woman! Never again op!

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 09:55

This would be a great time to move to Australia!

OP posts:
Sister77 · 02/01/2015 09:55

Agree with goldmandra. You obviously care and love your kids op and you have your mums "number" but you sent them as it was the easiest way to stop her having a tantrum.
I know this sounds harsh but I am an outsider looking in and it sounds like you sacrificed your kids well being for an easy life.
These people can't be trusted with YOUR well being never mind that of your kids. Don't trust them. Trust yourself and your gut instincts.

Sister77 · 02/01/2015 09:56

Sorry meant to add you took steps to limit what she could do which would work with a rational person but she's not rational is she?

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 09:57

I have never had a reason to leave them with her, I don't go out when they are not here, my dh is not a well man, so we are very much home bodies, the only reason they have ever gone to her, is so she can spend time with them, because that is what people do isn't it!

OP posts: