Aibu? My mother!

[Jessicahyde85]

Ok so a bit of background, my mother has had a history of mental illness, she has done some very disgusting things in the past when suffering, including telling me to leave my husband on our sons funeral day as I had no reason to stay with him now ( we were together 4 years before our son was born). Telling me it was my husbands fault he died, telling me she would have his name ( the baby) removed from his headstone. Telling me I am like baby P's mum, because I came and got ds after she asked for him overnight and decided to go out drinking....

I could go on but I would be here all day and would like you lot to be able to get through the post without sticking pencils in your eyes....

So the boys went to stay at hers after Christmas for two days, I didn't leave her their car seats as she drinks a LOT and I didn't want her to drive with them if she had been drinking ( a daily happening in her new home) My nan was also with them, she will not drive the boys as she is a nervous driver...

I show up to pick them up and my nan was with them, I noticed some balloons from a restaurant and I asked " did you go out to eat?" My nans eyes nearly popped out of her head, "yes!" she said, "How did you get there?" " your mum got them car seats" ( by the way my nan is fully aware of why there are no seats and tells me daily how dangerous my mother is and what a drunk she is etc.!) I started shaking my head and she went mad saying she was there and seem my mother didn't drink and how its not HER PROBLEM! After months of telling me that it will all be fine as she is there now too so she can make sure everything is ok, and that we are not being lied too ( my mothers husband put my 4 year old in the car with no seat, then threatened my 8 year old that he would send him back with his nan if he didn't shut up about it...My mother chose to keep this a secret as she "knew I would react like this!" Upset as you can imagine! )

I know this is really long and there is so much I left out, I am sorry for putting you through it if you made it this far, but now apparently I am the bad guy in all this, my nan told me she wants to never see us again ( classic nan) And I am sick to death of their bull shit basically, am I being unreasonable to say " fuck you all!" to them ( I know I am but I needed a bit of comic release at the end there)

Op, this is the best reason and excuse ever to put your foot down - immediately and hard.

You have your own family now and you MUST put them first.

If she kicks off, tell her you will report her to the police re the lack of car seats.

You're in charge here.

Stately Homes thread.

OP, you weren't wrong to want to give your DC a chance at having a relationship with their grandmother and great-grandmother. But now this has happened, you'd be wrong to let them go there unsupervised ever again. Normally I'm a great one for never saying never, and giving people a chance to grow and change, but it sounds as if your mum has had that chance many times over and it's unlikely that she ever WILL change at this stage in her life.

And sadly, your nan cannot be trusted to put your DCs' needs before those of her daughter.

It's a sad situation, but you've got to put the DC first and ensure they are protected, before anything else. If your mum wants to kick off about it, let her. You're not obliged to listen, or to change your own behaviour one whit as a result.

And I'm so sorry for the loss of your son

Can't understand why you think it's ok to use her for free childcare when it suits but won't let her drive them!

If she drinks like you say then she should not be left to look after your children!

My ex bf is not allowed any unsupervised contact to our baby because of his drinking!

It was pretty clear that this was not a case of 'free childminding' though Name. That would indeed be a whole other story.

It was a holiday visit, undertaken after extensive lobbying.

hello im her husband and just wanted to offer my perspective on the whole thing.

but first, Namechangeragain1234 we never used her for child care in my 8 year olds life we have asked her to care for him twice he was staying there at her request so she can spend time with them. I can only assume you didn't read properly and didn't mean for your post to come across quite so "attacky"

Certainly not trying to attack anyone! As myself is dealing with a drinker right now!

Speaking to my health visitor the other day about my exbf drinking and she asked if on the occasion we were discussing did I leave my child unattended with him? I replied no of corse not, would not dream of leaving someone drunk in charge of my child! Her reply was good because if you did that would of been viewed as you put your needs before that of your child's!

Sorry if you do not agree with me but my own personal opinion is that you should not of left your child in the GM care under any circumstances if she is in fact like you say a drinker/drives over the limit!

Like I say my exbf drinks/drink drives, I will not allow him any unsupervised access to our child and I will never put child in a car with him........ How could I ever forgive myself if something terrible happened

What has any of that got to do with my situation? I left the children with a "responsible" person who assured me that I could trust them... Nothing to do with me leaving them with a drunk, my gran is not a drunk!! I made this perfectly clear and you chose to ignore it and imply I was getting free child care... again not even remotely accurate... so!!??!!

So the boys went to stay at hers after Christmas for two days, I didn't leave her their car seats as she drinks a LOT and I didn't want her to drive with them if she had been drinking ( a daily happening in her new home) My nan was also with them, she will not drive the boys as she is a nervous driver...

????? You say clearly above you left them with your mum who is a drinker so not a responsible person! Your nan is also not a responsible person because she allowed your mother to put them children in a car when you clearly stated it wasn't allowed! So I would say everything to do with leaving them with a drunk!!

I'm sorry I'm not trying to be mean and I think my health visitor has a very valid point.

I can understand your angry with the whole situation, I would be fuming to and I truly hope you can learn from this situation and move on and if that means going NC like your DH wisely suggested then so be it!

I'm sorry you and and family got put in this truly horrible situation, speaking from experience though I know nothing you or anyone else can do will help your mum, she needs to help herself

OP did not know her gran was going to let the children go in the carb she did not leave them with her drunk mum, she left them with her gran who she thought she could trust (but now knows she can't).

I left my children with my nan after stopping them staying with my mum, no I didn't want her driving them about as she is a drunk! My grandmother didn't let them in the car with her until they went to stay with them, seriously am I supposed to know before hand what will unfold, if I did they wouldn't have gone in the first place now would they!!!!

I don't know if you are being purposely antagonistic or if you are just made that way, the rest of your post seems reasonable, except for where you completely ignore what I have written?!!

Can I just add, part of me trusting my nan and the situation is that my mother has "stopped" drinking after being pulled up by her doctor on the subject, she doesn't see her drinking as a problem except its effected her weight so she has stopped, but I still don't want her driving the children about!! I know how much I have seen her pack away and I am frightened of what could happen! Telling a middle class woman in her 50's that she drinks too much and getting her to see that is a very difficult thing, but her vanity is at steak now!

OP you can't trust your mum or nan: like mother like daughter there. They both lie when it suits them and manipulate too. Keep away from both of them and keep your kids away is the best bet. YWNBU to go NC, you WBU to leave your children with either of them.

Your ordinal post made it sound like you left the dc's with your mum and that your nan was just also stopping there so I apologies for the mix up!

Hatespiders, I was terrified, that's why I took away the option of the car, so I thought! I also though my nan would protect them, like she said she would, but it turns out she will just shut her moth and lie too because as she said "i have to live here you know!

With regards with what you wrote above I'm truly sorry you can not trust your nan like you thought you could, that must be very hard for you!

I think what your DH says either they come to see you or totally no contact! Neither of them can be trusted to put your children's needs/well being before their own.... I'm sorry you had to find this out this way, but be thankful you learnt now before any harm was done rather than in awful circumstances

I think that your Nan has looked after your Mum's interests for so long that she has become an enabler to her.
She has lost any sense of perspective and is priortising what she thinks is in your Mum's best interests above everything else.
Sadly this means that neither of them can be trusted with the care of your children.

FGS stop attacking the OP. She knows she can't trust either of them now. Abusive and dysfunctional families are very manipulative and frightening and suffocating and Jessica needs hand holding and support. Jessica, the love and protection you feel towards your children will guide you to doing the right thing of cutting these people out of your life.

Yes, paperlace, that is what it's hard for people to understand who have never been part of this sort of set up. Dysfunctional families are incredibly manipulative, it is very difficult to see things in a logical and dispassionate way.

So yes, let's give the OP the support she needs to be able to say no.

OP as a parent you have responsibility for the safeguarding of your children.
You have quite rightly identified that your mother's MH issues and her drinking give concern in relation to her being able to adequately meet their needs if she is caring for them. Their needs must come before hers. They are children and need to be protected.
I understand that you want your children to know their family. But in view of her current behaviour then this should be supervised contact. Supervised by you or your partner as it is clear that your nan is being manipulated by your mother and accepting of her behaviour.