Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? My mother!

92 replies

Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 09:09

Ok so a bit of background, my mother has had a history of mental illness, she has done some very disgusting things in the past when suffering, including telling me to leave my husband on our sons funeral day as I had no reason to stay with him now ( we were together 4 years before our son was born). Telling me it was my husbands fault he died, telling me she would have his name ( the baby) removed from his headstone. Telling me I am like baby P's mum, because I came and got ds after she asked for him overnight and decided to go out drinking....

I could go on but I would be here all day and would like you lot to be able to get through the post without sticking pencils in your eyes....

So the boys went to stay at hers after Christmas for two days, I didn't leave her their car seats as she drinks a LOT and I didn't want her to drive with them if she had been drinking ( a daily happening in her new home) My nan was also with them, she will not drive the boys as she is a nervous driver...

I show up to pick them up and my nan was with them, I noticed some balloons from a restaurant and I asked " did you go out to eat?" My nans eyes nearly popped out of her head, "yes!" she said, "How did you get there?" " your mum got them car seats" ( by the way my nan is fully aware of why there are no seats and tells me daily how dangerous my mother is and what a drunk she is etc.!) I started shaking my head and she went mad saying she was there and seem my mother didn't drink and how its not HER PROBLEM! After months of telling me that it will all be fine as she is there now too so she can make sure everything is ok, and that we are not being lied too ( my mothers husband put my 4 year old in the car with no seat, then threatened my 8 year old that he would send him back with his nan if he didn't shut up about it...My mother chose to keep this a secret as she "knew I would react like this!" Upset as you can imagine! )

I know this is really long and there is so much I left out, I am sorry for putting you through it if you made it this far, but now apparently I am the bad guy in all this, my nan told me she wants to never see us again ( classic nan) And I am sick to death of their bull shit basically, am I being unreasonable to say " fuck you all!" to them ( I know I am but I needed a bit of comic release at the end there)

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 02/01/2015 09:58

You are being unreasonable to have put your children at risk like that. a known drunk with mental health problems is not a babysitting candidate No matter who is putting pressure on you.

im not even going to comment on what happened as your children shouldn't have been there to begin with and that's on You and your husband.

Sister77 · 02/01/2015 10:01

Yes Jessica but a person who couldn't be there for you when you lost your baby is very unlikely to change. It's very difficult as most people want their kids to have a relationship with the extended family (providing they are decent people) and it's difficult when you can't allow it.
Big hugs and sorry for the loss of your baby it's a pain that never gets easier you just learn to live with it (for me) Flowers

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:04

Sister77, sorry but you are incorrect, I didn't sacrifice my children's well being, I have been told for around 8 weeks constantly how my nan is there and will make sure everything is fine and dandy and how she wont stand for anything and blaa blaa blaa, this was done to not be a dick on my part, its horrible to deny my children their nan! So no I am not having that at all! But you are right, I need to trust my own instinct on the matter!

OP posts:
Spadequeen · 02/01/2015 10:06

Would you give in to your kids when they're having a tantrum? You need to treat your mum like a child (and you nan). So what if they sulk and don't talk to you, win win.

Do not put your kids through that again

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:06

Her mental health issues were in the past hence background, but thanks for the comment!

OP posts:
Spadequeen · 02/01/2015 10:08

Well now you know that your nan is lying too.

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:08

No I wouldn't have it from my children, not at all. And I am not having it from her either!

OP posts:
fanjobiscuits · 02/01/2015 10:10

You are a mother now. If you leave your children with your mother who is clearly unsafe you are doing exactly what she did to you. Don't do it.

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:11

I do spadequeen, now she has moved away from near us, over to my mother her alliances have change instantaneously, and I am fine with that, I just didn't expect her to fall in with my mothers behaviour after everything she said, after telling me they are all that is important to her, but she is just as sick as my mother!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:12

Fanjobiscuits, its not happening again, fool me once and all that!

OP posts:
Spadequeen · 02/01/2015 10:14

You would be completely reasonable to tell them all to go fuck themselves. Why don't you?

MinceSpy · 02/01/2015 10:16

Jessica the unreasonable bit was you leaving your children in the care of these awful people. Go NC if you need to.

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:17

Spadequeen, ah I would but my nan beat me too it, she told us as we left ( top of her lungs in front of the children) "I never want to see any of you again" Drama is one thing not missing from my family!

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 02/01/2015 10:21

You're going to have to be very firm when they kick off in the future. They will try to tell your there are all sorts of agreements and arrangements in place to keep your children safe and you are going to have to dismiss everything.

Your children will never be safe in the care of this part of your family because the adults' right to do what they want is considered more important than their responsibility to keep the children safe. That is never going to change.

If you want your DCs to be safe, you or your DH need to be present at all times. That isn't going to change.

You're going to have to get over being worried about being in the wrong or being called unreasonable. They don't care what you think of their actions and they don't care about keeping your DCs safe, Therefore you need to stop caring about what they think of your decisions.

Your children depend on you to make good decisions on their behalf. Don't let anything get in the way of that again, no matter which adults decide to kick off at you in order to try to get their own way.

Children can have perfectly meaningful relationships with their wider family even if they only see them in the presence of their parents. That's how it needs to be from now on.

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:22

MineSpy, when your only family are people like this you do doubt yourself, you think you are over reacting to everything, my mother has a fantastic way of making everything go her own way, she managed to turn me confronting her about her husband into "how dare I question her" Its easy to say its all my fault but fuck it I hear that every day its always my fault when is usually not!
But thanks for being constructive!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:23

Goldmandra, I know you are 100% correct!

OP posts:
grumpyoldgitagain · 02/01/2015 10:24

NC seems like the way forward

Also a phone call to the police and tell then your mother drinks heavily and will almost always certainly be over the limit when driving the day after, give them the car reg number and it will get a marker on it and pulled every time they see it and her breathalysed

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:26

grumpyoldgitagain

Good idea!

OP posts:
Squeegle · 02/01/2015 10:32

Don't leave them with her. You are he adult now; don't be persuaded by anyone's views. Your children are your responsibility.

I understand about you doubting yourself, I Did that myself before with XP, the children's dad . He told me he wouldn't drink. I wanted to believe he was honest enough to tell me the truth. He wasn't. With the benefit of hindsight I was very foolish. I would never now leave vulnerable people with any kind of addict, they are manipulative and their perspective is way out of kilter. Sounds like she has a lot of issues, and your DH is spot on. Never again .

HSMMaCM · 02/01/2015 10:32

She said she never wants to see you again, so take her up on that.

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:36

HSMMaCM, My husband said to her at the time "no problems then" and we went, she has said it before and called us up sobbing to my husband that she was sorry ( not sorry to me you will notice, but to him, she loves him more than she does me) and he warned her he will not have it again, that was 7 years ago, and he will not budge again, she relies heavily on him for a lot, and him being so ill, it takes a toll on him, but now she has moved she as he said " has seen he served his purpose and can be fucked off now"

OP posts:
MildDrPepperAddiction · 02/01/2015 10:37

YABU to leave them with her in the first place.

You know she is not capable of providing a safe environment for them and yet you chose to leave them in her care.

You are negligent in my opinion.

Don't leave them there again.

CornChips · 02/01/2015 10:38

Jessica it is great to see how angry you are, and how detemrined you are that this will never happen again. I personally think going nc is a good solution- they will nevr change.

My DM was brought up in an abusive household, and her parents and siblings were also abusive tantrum throwers. My mother always (still) tries to be the peacemaker, tries to accommodate them. She put me in some unacceptable situations when I was growing up because of that, and what I learned was that it was more important to her to cater to their insanities than it was to keep me safe.

I am 41 and I have not ever forgiven her for that, and I will not ever forgive her for that.

Your task is to show your children their well-being is the most important thing in the world to you. Your mother and your nan have undermined that as you know and as you have said. Stay strong- it will be hard to counteract your childhood conditioning, but you owe it to you, your DH and your children.

Thanks I am so sorry about your son.

CornChips · 02/01/2015 10:39

brilliant idea too grumpy. She needs to be off the road.

Goldmandra · 02/01/2015 10:40

I know you know all this deep down but I think you need to hear it very clearly from lots of people.

It is very easy to feel guilty when someone is promising the world and labelling you as over cautious/precious/controlling. These things do not apply to you.

You have a responsibility and a right to keep your children safe. Don't ever be pressured into not living up to that.