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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? My mother!

92 replies

Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 09:09

Ok so a bit of background, my mother has had a history of mental illness, she has done some very disgusting things in the past when suffering, including telling me to leave my husband on our sons funeral day as I had no reason to stay with him now ( we were together 4 years before our son was born). Telling me it was my husbands fault he died, telling me she would have his name ( the baby) removed from his headstone. Telling me I am like baby P's mum, because I came and got ds after she asked for him overnight and decided to go out drinking....

I could go on but I would be here all day and would like you lot to be able to get through the post without sticking pencils in your eyes....

So the boys went to stay at hers after Christmas for two days, I didn't leave her their car seats as she drinks a LOT and I didn't want her to drive with them if she had been drinking ( a daily happening in her new home) My nan was also with them, she will not drive the boys as she is a nervous driver...

I show up to pick them up and my nan was with them, I noticed some balloons from a restaurant and I asked " did you go out to eat?" My nans eyes nearly popped out of her head, "yes!" she said, "How did you get there?" " your mum got them car seats" ( by the way my nan is fully aware of why there are no seats and tells me daily how dangerous my mother is and what a drunk she is etc.!) I started shaking my head and she went mad saying she was there and seem my mother didn't drink and how its not HER PROBLEM! After months of telling me that it will all be fine as she is there now too so she can make sure everything is ok, and that we are not being lied too ( my mothers husband put my 4 year old in the car with no seat, then threatened my 8 year old that he would send him back with his nan if he didn't shut up about it...My mother chose to keep this a secret as she "knew I would react like this!" Upset as you can imagine! )

I know this is really long and there is so much I left out, I am sorry for putting you through it if you made it this far, but now apparently I am the bad guy in all this, my nan told me she wants to never see us again ( classic nan) And I am sick to death of their bull shit basically, am I being unreasonable to say " fuck you all!" to them ( I know I am but I needed a bit of comic release at the end there)

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:43

To be honest I am livid cornchips, it wont be happening again, I was stupid to second guess myself, I was stupid to listen to my nan and trust her, I should have listened to the one person that mattered and that was my husband. We did trust my nan, and I am still shocked she is capable of doing such a 360!

OP posts:
OldIrving · 02/01/2015 10:44

OP, I can totally relate. So many times I have been steamrollered into things because my dad says my mum is so much better, I'm being cruel etc. I was the total scapegoat of the family and I am still desperate for them to love me, and I agreed to things I shouldn't have and worked myself up about pleasing them. Still do a bit but now have a firm rule that the DCs will not see them unsupervised. It's made me less popular, if such things were possible, and I know from a voicemail 'accidentally' left on my phone exactly what she thinks of me, but I feel better and my DC are safer.

I hope they never realize how evil their GM can be.

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:48

Goldmandra , To be honest I probably am all those things, however they take the line I draw and shit on it and have broken the law as well as anything else! My mothers defence of the car seat incident was " well nothing happened" I hit the roof and told her to "go fuck yourself" Not constructive I know! But she manages to make me lose it then take the moral high ground! I don't understand how it happens!?!

I am just going to let my husband deal with her from now on, she cant run rings around him..

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:50

OldIrving Oh my god we are the same person, at least I know its not just my stupid family! Your dad is my nan!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 10:53

I even avoided getting them passports because I was afraid I would be pressured into letting them go on holiday with her! How pathetic is that!

OP posts:
MinceSpy · 02/01/2015 10:55

Jessica I completely get that you have a rubbish birth family and you sometimes doubt yourself. However, you have your own family now and you need to protect them from your family. Have you ever considered counselling?

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 11:01

MinceSpy, I was already protecting them from her, they don't stay with her, and have not for a long time, I literally let them go as my nan had said she was there and really it was her I left them with, not my mother, just in my mothers house.... I would love counselling, but services are tight where I live and I wouldn't want to take away from more deserving candidates, my life is simple and lovely. Its just them that fuck everything up!

OP posts:
Sister77 · 02/01/2015 11:01

".... didn't want them to go, I had pressure from my nan to let them stay as my nan has moved closer to her, and basically my mum kicks off like an idiot until she gets her own way!"
Sorry to disagree in turn Jessica but this one comment implied to me that you had sent them for an easy life for yourself or for you nan. And the whole kicks of like an idiot till she gets her own way would tell anyone she isn't stable.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/01/2015 11:02

You are negligent in my opinion

The op thought she had made sure adequate supervision was available.

Granted it would not occur to most people that family and friends tend to make the worst supervision.

But its not a unusual mistake to make.

Sister77 · 02/01/2015 11:09

I wonder op, where your mum "got" the problems from?
Is it possible your nan is a wolf in Sheeps clothing?"

magicpixie · 02/01/2015 11:10

I think your life would be much better if you just cut your mum and nan out
you will have freedom and peace
so sorry for your loss

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 11:11

Sister77 my mother is an arsehole, she always has been...I sent them for my nan, so she could spend time with them, and so they could see my mum, why would I want them to not spend time with their family?

In other words so everyone was happy, do I really want everyone to argue and fight? Nope! This is one comment, I take it you read the whole thread? I am not perfect I foolishly gave them a chance as like I said as far as I was concerned I had eyes and ears on sight!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 11:13

Sister77 I see that now, they are both just out for themselves, they are their own number 1! And to be honest when they are together they are toxic!

OP posts:
OldIrving · 02/01/2015 11:14

Jessica, it's not just you (or us!) - have a look at the Stately Homes thread in relationships. And don't beat yourself up - I swear my baseline concept of acceptable is completely screwed up. It's a process, you'll get there.

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 11:15

magicpixie, I am sure that is what they want too, there is no other reason to back me into a corner like this until I have no other option but to cut them off!

OP posts:
Sister77 · 02/01/2015 11:15

No I understand that Jessica but speaking from experience and looking at threads on MN ive noticed that "peacemakers" always tend to get shit on from a great height.
This is my year. Fuck em all. No more Mrs nice sister. It's all about me and mine. Wink

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 11:16

Oldirving, I will do!

OP posts:
magicpixie · 02/01/2015 11:17

jess, I think they would prefer to continue controlling and abusing you than you cutting them off

please don't let them hurt you or your dc anymore

you can stop this
but it will take strength I know you have xx

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 11:17

Indeed Sister77 ;)

OP posts:
Sister77 · 02/01/2015 11:18

Great idea from oldirving too. The stately homes thread help me reach this stage

Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 11:19

magicpixie thanks love xxx Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 11:20

Do you know, thinking about it, my nan doesn't speak to any of her family, she has loads of sisters and a brother and doesn't speak to the one of them!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessicahyde85 · 02/01/2015 11:22

Where do I find that thread, I am not great at navigating around on here?!

OP posts:
magicpixie · 02/01/2015 11:25

Flowers for you too

not only will you protect yourself and your children, but you will also be protecting your childrens children

xxxxx
its a new year a new start
and you can do it xx

Sister77 · 02/01/2015 11:30

Sorry I'm crap at links, it's on the relationships board. Ive just watched and read the threads and took on board pieces of advice as and when it suited me to use them. I've made them bricks in my wall of defence against the people I wish to exclude. I feel free.