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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS dressing up as Elsa

113 replies

MyIronLung · 01/01/2015 23:17

Today DS (3) got an Elsa (from Frozen) dress. He loves it! He was walking around saying that he was so pretty and singing (trying to) Let it go
Before this hes never shown any interest in any kind of dressing up but recently, while watching Frozen, hes been commenting on how pretty and sparkly Elsas dress is and that he would like one.
I think he looks so lovely in it. He has no concept of 'boys and girls toys' so to him it's just dressing up. (He also has typically 'girly' toys such as a kitchen, necklace threading beads ect).
He's a 'typical' boy. Boisterous, loves lego, cars, trains, monsters and now Elsa.
My step dad on the other hand is not impressed. He would deny it but he's very homophobic, to him I think he sees it as a gateway dress!

I just wanted To ask, aibu to let DS have and enjoy this dress < disclaimer...I don't think I am >

OP posts:

Bulbasaur · 02/01/2015 01:18

I wouldn't let my DS (if I had one) wear a dress out and about, and I wouldn't let my DD shave her hair like a boy.

When I was a small child I wanted to be a puppy, eat off the floor, and be walked on a leash. My parents said no. I was not traumatized or stifled because of that. Part of being a small child is you don't get to call the shots.

When DD is older she can wear whatever she wants with whatever crazy hair style she sees fit. She has her entire teen years for self discovery and figuring out who she is and her place in the world.

Until that time she gets to dress in what I deem appropriate and fashionable, she gets to be the religion I pick out for her, she gets to follow the rules I put down, and she gets to have the same morals I do. That's not being repressive, it's raising my child with boundaries and stability.

QuinnTwinny · 02/01/2015 01:34

In with Hazard on this. I'm all for children being able to show their personalities but I wouldn't have allowed my son to have a princess dress when he was younger. I am 100% for supporting your child in whatever way they need. But there is a difference between allowing boys to play with 'girls' toys (and vice versa) and allowing your child to dress up as the opposite gender and pretend to be so. Everyone and everything is so PC nowadays.

QuinnTwinny · 02/01/2015 01:37

Intrigued at to what the posts by Cassie read. Some missing.

Celestria · 02/01/2015 01:42

Oh this old one.

My youngest ds took a shine to his older sisters lovely red dressing up dress. He was three and regularly put it on. Even took him to town in it. He has the rest of his life to be weighed down with society, I was happy to let him do what made him happy.

He is nearly five now and doesn't wear it anymore.

I had a customer in one night that started a debate about mothers allowing boys to wear dresses or having their nails painted etc. because it turns them gay you know.

I asked him at what point does having a dress on or your nails painted make you suddenly find men attractive?

Load of rubbish.

QuinnTwinny · 02/01/2015 01:46

There's a difference between a child putting on an old costume and going out and buying one specifically for them, no?

bananaramadramallama · 02/01/2015 02:00

Am confused as to why Cassie is determined to attribute transphobic/homophobic attitudes to people.

JeanSeberg · 02/01/2015 02:08

OP of more concern are your sexist comments:

He also has typically 'girly' toys such as a kitchen, necklace threading beads

He's a 'typical' boy. Boisterous, loves lego, cars, trains, monsters

SorchaN · 02/01/2015 02:26

I think it can be quite transphobic to refuse to allow a child to wear clothes associated with the opposite gender. Some three year-olds will grow up to be trans, and refusing to allow them to express their preferred gender will be damaging. However, it's still the case that many parents are more concerned about what other people think than about how their own children feel. Despite all that, most three year-old boys want to wear dresses from time to time, and I can't help thinking that some boys who don't want to wear dresses are boys who have been told it's inappropriate. A proportion of those children will be transwomen and will find it very very difficult to talk about it to parents who claim to be open to whoever their children will become, despite having outlawed alternative expressions of gender in early childhood. Now that's unreasonable.

duplodon · 02/01/2015 03:06

Threading beads are girly! And a kitchen!!! Lego, cars, trains, monsters are 'for' boys...

So your partner doesn't cook?
Your don't drive or take public transport?
Mary Shelley didn't write Frankenstein?

The cis term irritates the life out of me, it's not a gender but other than that your sexism is a bit stunning.

Bulbasaur · 02/01/2015 03:26

Let's not be disingenuous and pretend that these are all marketed as gender neutral toys. Just because it's ok to play with any toy doesn't mean that marketing doesn't tailor their designs to the demographic most likely to buy their product.

ithoughtofitfirst · 02/01/2015 04:00

Interesting bulbasaur

duplodon · 02/01/2015 04:17

Bollocks. These toys are aggressively marketed based on the prevalence of sexist attitudes of parents, not what kids like. There are very, very few toddlers who won't play with a kitchen, car or train if they're not told over and over it is not for them. I'd imagine very few children haven't seen a male parent cook, a female parent drive etc and from a child's point of view they just copy what they see around them unless given language-based rules about what they prefer. I see it with my in laws. There is specific actual training on what you don't like as a boy. You don't like that, do you? That's for girls. Lots of 'jokes' about it, too... Oh you're playing with Elsa, ha ha, that's so funny, is she a hot babe? Do you like this pink car? Oh I bet you'd love this baby doll, wouldn't you? (With derisory glances and exaggerated disgust)... And this is to two year olds.

Toys are marketed to pander to this prevailing attitude, much of which is patently ridiculous given that now men are expected to be competent at domestic tasks and there are more women than men in many engineering teams. Play should have the capacity to reflect real life developments in gender roles and yet we've seen an upsurge in pinkification. I can only hope naively it is the angry last gasp of an old world order desperately trying to ensure women know their place.

Bulbasaur · 02/01/2015 04:43

I never disagreed that boys and girls should play with both toys. My brother got girl toys and I got boy toys growing up. We had a good mix of both.

I simply pointed out that the OP wasn't being sexist by acknowledging that certain toys are "girl" toys and certain toys are "boy" toys. They're marketed as such, and pretending all toys are created gender neutral and that the OP is just "seeing" them as boy and girl toys because of her own personal bias is silly. We all know damn well that a pink kitchen is a girl toy and a yellow truck is a boy toy.

Whether toys should be marketed towards different genders or not is a completely different topic.

minibmw2010 · 02/01/2015 07:59

My DS is 3.5, has lots of friends who are boys and girls. When we visit the boys they mostly do puzzles, play with toolboxes, trains etc. I think nothing of it. When we visit the girls he often dresses up in their princess dresses, let's them brush his hair, again I think nothing of it. He's playing, he's using his imagination, he's having fun and he's 3!!!!!

TheLastThneed · 02/01/2015 08:10

It's just playing FGS. I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about boys wearing dresses.

OddFodd · 02/01/2015 08:21

You are totally worried about catching the gay if you gently steer/ban your child from wearing princess dresses. And the only person putting an adult spin on it is you

Writerwannabe83 · 02/01/2015 08:23

I'm dreading the day my DS decides he wants to wear a dress - and considering how many posts there are on this subject then I'm guessing it's a real possibility!!

I can just imagine DH's reaction...

NancyRaygun · 02/01/2015 08:36

Yes - boys and girls need to learn exactly which clothes are for them and which aren't from birth. So pink for girls and blue for boys. Otherwise they get confused and start like dressing in the wrong shades and shit. Girls might attempt to wear running shoes that DON'T have pink flashing soles, boys might try on a princess dress. Then where will it end? Women in trousers and complete gender bending ANARCHY! that's where! DISGUSTING!

SantaBanta · 02/01/2015 08:43

Gateway dress! Love it ....
As it says in the song 'let it go' - I don't see any harm in him wearing whatever he likes.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 02/01/2015 08:43

I let my boy look at a pink thing once and he CAUGHT the GAY. Tru fax.

I think it's nice that your DS likes Elsa dresses op; I have 2 boys and the older one (3.5) requested and got a doll's house for Christmas, whilst the younger one seems more stereotypical in his tastes. To me that seems like a good indicator of nature/nurture influence.

Unfortunately there is a wee bit of competitive gender-neutral parenting on here sometimes, hence the mixed response....

MicrochipsAndMemories · 02/01/2015 08:47

Haphazard, your children won't "grow up to be gay, transgendered, whatever"

They already are whatever they are going to be.

No amount of "wrong" clothes or toys is going to change that.

You don't sound homophobic but it does sound like you would struggle to accept a child who wasn't "Straight" or "normal"

PlumpingUpPartridge · 02/01/2015 08:49

I do completely agree with this though:

I just prefer my children to know the rules before they break the rules. They can grow up to be gay, transgender, whatever

I dress my boys fairly conservatively when we go out for this reason - they are too young to be aware of any risk they could be taking by wearing clothes which are 'different'. When they're old enough, I will happily support them in all their choices. Until then, though, I will be subversive at home and conventional in public.

ithoughtofitfirst · 02/01/2015 08:51

Hahaha!!! nancy you scamp.

Tanith · 02/01/2015 08:52

Over Christmas, a serialisation of Mapp and Lucia with the wonderful Steve Pemberton has been showing.

He once told in an interview how he loved dressing up in dresses as a child. Doesn't seem to have done him any harm!

ithoughtofitfirst · 02/01/2015 08:54

My brother dressed up as Spiderman and "Batbam" and now he is an actual gay.

How confusing! Unavoidable.

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