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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my BIL? This was our news to share.

113 replies

JennaRainbow · 01/01/2015 08:48

My baby has literally just started walking, and obviously we are excited about it, and yes she's our first! My grandmother couldn't join us for Christmas this year but we're visiting her next week so decided to surprise her with DD walking when we got there.

My sister and her husband, who's only recently been in the picture so hardly knows my grandmother have just been to see her, and he took it upon himself to show her a video of my DD walking at Christmas. My dd! I know it may sound trivial to others but surely this is our milestone to share with people that are important to us, not his! I'm really upset and feel like the rug has been pulled from under us. I know that's a bit ott but she's been like a mum to me, is our last surviving grandparent between my dh and I, and we were so excited to surprise her.

OP posts:

Original poster

JennaRainbow · 01/01/2015 11:57

And thank you RiverTam, these threads move fast! It does feel like you're an idiot if you're proud of things others deem to be unimportant.

OP posts:

Allisgood1 · 01/01/2015 12:03

YABU. And precious. Get over it.

RobbStarksBitch · 01/01/2015 12:04

IMO YANBU but I've been in your position (in my case it was my sister) and it pissed me right off. I've actually had a thread on here before and got quite a different reaction although mine was quite a few examples.

To the person who said that no one cares about other babies milestones, if that's the case then why bother telling the grandmother then? If he didn't care surely that's just spiteful!

And yes he may have been excited but hopefully they'll have there own children etc to share news about. This kind of stuff really annoys me!

SoupDragon · 01/01/2015 12:05

Chances are they visited your grandmother and, in amongst the small talk that is necessary the conversation went:

Them: oh, we visited Jenna yesterday..
GM: oh, how is she? How is my lovely GGD?
Them: they are both great. GGD has just started walking, she looks so cute. Hang on, I've got a video of it on my phone...

Rather than leaping in to burst any bubble.

TheXxed · 01/01/2015 12:10

I can't remember who said it up thread, but your brother in law was just probably trying to find something to talk to your husbands grandmother about.

I struggled with conversation topics over Christmas. I don't think people are misunderstanding you I think you are being precious.

Also I think the way you described the family dynamics is quite telling, saying your bil as new on the scene is quite rude as if your relationship with your husbands grandmother is more important.

LuluJakey1 · 01/01/2015 12:15

If you really wanted her to know aout it, you could have gone to visit her before next week- just saying.

Your DSis and BIL have been to see you and her over Christmas. You could hae gone and seen her if it was that importat to you for the woman who is like a mother to you to see her great- grandaughter walking before ayone told her. If she asked them, had you expected them to tell lies?

How is Jenna's DD doing? Is she walking yet?'

'We don't know'

'I thought you saw her on....'

'We can't remember if she was walking'.

Total over-reaction on your part.

LuluJakey1 · 01/01/2015 12:20

about
have
important
anyone

I expect BIL was just being kind to an elderly lady and showing her something that would bring her closer to her DGD and DGGD

Get over yourself

SisterMoonshine · 01/01/2015 12:21

I think it shows him in a good light too.

Original poster

JennaRainbow · 01/01/2015 12:22

Ok I give in! Clearly our wishes and hers don't matter and so it doesn't matter that he disregarded them. I will remember that in future. The reason we couldn't see her earlier Lulu is that my friend is dying and I need to be with him. It isn't relevant to this though. They knew we wanted to tell her in person as we always do and still did it.

I get that you all think that what we hoped for is irrelevant and that none of your families care about things like milestones. The post is about me though and my grandmother who do. I've definitely learnt that mumsnet isn't the place for sentiment! Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:

kungfupannda · 01/01/2015 12:23

I think YABU.

Presumably the conversation with your BIL didn't go along the lines of "DD is walking. Under no circumstances is anyone to tell Granny. If she asks, you must lie or change the subject. We want to make a big announcement ourselves" but something like "DD's walking! I can't wait to tell Granny!"

I would imagine the BIL took on board that this was a big thing that the Gran would be excited about, so cracked on and told her.

I think keeping it secret is a bit artificial. If family care about each other's news then they care no matter who tells them, surely.

Original poster

JennaRainbow · 01/01/2015 12:25

I'm confused SisterMoonshine how us making it clear that we as we always do wanted to tell her in person, him ignoring us and telling her anyway, shows him in a good light?

OP posts:

kungfupannda · 01/01/2015 12:25

x-posted.

Well, you can look on this as 'disregarding out wishes' and resent him forevermore. Or you can look on it as 'being excited about something that we're excited about' and feel glad you have relatives who are invested in your child's development. Which you say is something that is important to you.

Vivacia · 01/01/2015 12:30

Jenna you do realise that you're going to get another 4 pages of people not reading the thread, not reading your later posts and getting progressively nastier and nastier, don't you?

There's nothing you can do about it, once it's started. I wonder if we can make up a new 'fact' that actually makes you very reasonable indeed...

beatofthedrum · 01/01/2015 12:31

I think you need to look at the bigger picture. Yes this could be construed as 'mildly annoying'. But feeling the rug has been pulled out from under you? I am sure your grandmother won't be upset, she will just enjoy seeing it.

Costacoffeeplease · 01/01/2015 12:35

So you accept that you're being unreasonable in the most passive aggressive, resentful way - lovely! If you don't want to hear YABU then maybe don't ask the question in future?

HTH

SauvignonBlanche · 01/01/2015 12:41

YABU, unless your baby is developmentally delayed, then I could see your point. All NT babies walk.

zoemaguire · 01/01/2015 12:43

You obviously don't think you are being unreasonable, so why post on aibu?

I think your bil sounds lovely personally. It is great that he is interested enough! Our kids only have aunts/uncles on the other side of the world, and I'm sad they won't get this kind of interest from them.

SirChenjin · 01/01/2015 12:46

YABU - a complete over reaction. Just let it go.

But you don't think you were, so (as others have said) why bother posting in AIBU?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 01/01/2015 12:47

Aunts and Uncles are important too and not just parents, grandparents and great-grandparents.
I think it's lovely your dd's uncle wanted to share the footage of your dd walking with you and your sister's granny.
And as has been said you still get to show your DGranny your dd walking in person - when you visit.
Maybe this thread could help you reflect on your relationship with DSis and DBIL a little? They sound quite nice to me!

cedricsneer · 01/01/2015 12:50

I was going to say that yabu, but then I read about your friend. I think this may be relevant - how traumatic for you. I suspect you are feeling a real sense of loss and like things are out of control and now this has been taken from your control too.

I am really sorry op .

MinnieM1 · 01/01/2015 12:51

I get it OP, I'd have been annoyed too
But then I openly admit that I'm a massive bit of a control freak
But seeing a video won't compare to your DD walking over to her Granny in the flesh, I would let it go

holeinmyheart · 01/01/2015 12:56

Jenna, if you get so bitterly upset with your BIL over something that is really a smallish matter in the grand scheme of things, then I feel worried for you. You see, YOU can't control people or their actions.

If you go through life trying to, you are going to make a lot of enemies and you will end up with few friends, because they haven't behaved in the way you wanted them too. You need to relax and let go.

You may not even realise that you may be a Control Freak, people often do not. Holding on to anger in impossible trivial situations and complaining about others not doing as they are told, surely is one of the symptoms.

What about a ' Mindfulness Course'. I am suggesting this in the nicest possible way as you have a small child and if you try and control their mind,actions etc throughout their life, then both of you are going to end up extremely unhappy.

The majority of MN told you what they thought but you are not happy with their judgement. Thinking you are always right is also a symptom of wanting to be in control.
Carry on and be angry with your new BIL and make him feel uncomfortable when you next see him. He will end up disliking you and feeling that you are unreasonable.
I am just worried about your mind set.

Original poster

JennaRainbow · 01/01/2015 12:56

Thanks Cedric, I do think you're right, it just felt like one lovely thing to look forward to. I'm hoping he didn't do it maliciously but off handedly out of pride like some posters mentioned, but going on past history that's too long for here I can't be sure. Minnie thanks for not making me feel like a total alien!

OP posts:

Original poster

JennaRainbow · 01/01/2015 13:05

Holeinmyheart, I never said this is some seething resentment that I'm going to hold on to forever, or bitterly upset, nor that this is the most important thing in my life. I do have some bloody perspective on things! I just thought that it wasn't great for someone to go ahead with something when they were asked not to. I'm not unhappy with what people said at all, but Surely I have the right to reply? Or unless you don't immediately agree with what people say you're some kind of passive aggressive nut job?

OP posts:

BringMeTea · 01/01/2015 13:07

YABVU. Dear Lord.

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