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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what's so wrong about being passive aggressive?

140 replies

editthis · 31/12/2014 18:28

I am genuinely interested to know; it seems to be the biggest crime possible on Mumsnet. I assume it's because people think honesty should trump everything else, and there is obviously truth in that. But, as any AIBU aficionado knows, there are so many shades of social nicety, and so many possible reasons for what we perceive to be bad behaviour, I can't see why the suggested first course of action is aggression (as opposed y

OP posts:
Scrumbled · 31/12/2014 21:53

Itsbetterthana box that's a good description.

Agree with the op that doesn't apply to some of is what gets described as passive aggressive on here. The phrase - you're being passive aggressive is a often a lazy way of saying I don't agree but I'm not giving you the right of reply, which is passive aggressive.

2015 · 31/12/2014 21:56

emeline that person sounds horrible. The examples you give sound like PA to me. It's sneaky and underhand behaviour.

emeline · 31/12/2014 21:58

So being inept can be passive aggressive, basically.

Say your have a friend who can't cook. Is she being passive aggressive to her husband and family by not taking in the task of feeding them well?

Could it run that deep, that it motivates basic failures?

Is it passive aggressive of my mother to have never learned to drive, so that my father has to do it all?

emeline · 31/12/2014 22:00

2015 thankyou for responding. I been slowly driven crazy by that person for years....

therockinghorseroll · 31/12/2014 22:21

"I would say that the diner who made the nasty comment about the slow food was being pretty direct."

Except I had no idea what she was talking about as I hadn't served her and had absolutely NO IDEA that she was waiting for food. People make all kinds of silly chitchat to you when you work behind the bar of the pub. So someone I've never seen before saying that she was HAVING to order crisps meant nothing to me whatsoever. If she'd have said "god, I'm starving, how long will my food be?" that would have been direct.

Some veiled comment about crisps? Nope.

Mmmicecream · 31/12/2014 23:00

I hate PA behaviour because it's impossible to resolve issues when you're not sure what you did in the first place.

I have a PA relative and am often left trying to figure out if I've done something wrong, and if so, what. Or, for example, trying to figure out why she suddenly has all these major impediments to attending my DD's birthday party when, earlier in the month, she was the first to accept the invite.

crescentmoon · 01/01/2015 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
editthis · 01/01/2015 00:57

What a fascinating article, crescent. Makes a lot of sense.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 01/01/2015 03:30

emeline definetely passive-aggressive behaviour, designed to inflict emotional upset.

People who are passive-aggressive will always find numerous ways to justify it. & they do that in a passive-aggressive "its all other people's fault really" way too

Bulbasaur · 01/01/2015 04:31

Because they're being a dick in a way that's hard to call them on without them being able to explain it away as unintentional or without you looking like a loon or paranoid by "over reacting" to something "little". It's an infuriating game.

Like for instance a coworker you've been butting heads with who has an important part of a presentation shows up barely 10 minutes before it's due because of "traffic". Not enough to yell at about without looking unreasonable, but enough to irritate the shit out of you.

I worked in an office full of passive aggressive people who were incapable of having a direct and adult conversation. It got shut down because no one could be productive in that sort of environment, and management didn't nip any of the ridiculous behavior going on there in the bud.

But I've also learned how to deal with it. For starters, I don't keep adult children in my life. As a policy with coworkers that drag their feet I send a friendly email with who boss in the CC asking for an estimation on when it will be complete.

supersop60 · 01/01/2015 07:11

I have started a PA campaign against my DP. He is a grumbler and a criticiser - and so today I have begun singing a loud 'Lah!' everytime he says something negative. We were walking back from the shops and he kept complaining about the state of people's houses/lawns/parking etc, so I just started doing it. The alternative is that I start a row by saying 'stop being such a grump'. Is there an assertive middle way, I wonder?

supersop60 · 01/01/2015 07:12

I meant to add - I don't think it's working. He seemed to think I was saying 'Yah' and agreeing with him! Grin

MokunMokun · 01/01/2015 07:19

emaline, I believe it depends on the motive behind the behaviour.

For example, my husband hangs his coat up by throwing it entirely over the coat stand. This really irritates me.

If he genuinely forgets then it's not PA behaviour. If he knows it irritates me and does it on purpose to annoy me then it's PA behaviour.

When I take his coat off the hall stand and drop it on the floor so it looks like it has fallen down, I'm definitely being PA.

This is the problem with PA behaviour. No one knows for sure if you have a problem or not.

I do agree that being PA with PA people is a lot of fun. But generally PA is not healthy behaviour at all.

itsbetterthanabox · 01/01/2015 07:40

Emmeline. I don't think being a bad cook is passive aggressive unless they were helped and advised and ignored that advice on purpose or insist on cooking to martyr themselves.
I don't think not being able to drive is either. Lots of people can't drive for many reasons. But seeing it as someone else's job to drive you or playing the victim over it would be passive aggressive.
So it does depend on why a person acts that way and how else they act too. As passive aggressive is so passive it's hard to tell and that's why they do it! So you can't call them on it.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/01/2015 09:50

It's done to try and control others

Have seen term used many times on here and been rather Confused

It's certainly over used

2015 · 01/01/2015 10:24

I keep thinking about this thread and the meaning of passive aggression. I'm wondering if I've spent years being passive aggressive to my SIL.

She is a total bitch who is NC with lots of our family and her own. I've dealt with her by being very polite and 'bland' - I never, ever take the bait even when she says or does something outrageous. I take pleasure in the fact that my passiveness and vanilla personality (when she is around) must irritate her. Confused That's passive aggressive isn't it? ...or is it just being passive?

The problem with being 'honest and straight forward' with her would be that she would simply cut me out of my nephews and nieces lives and that she would take it out on my lovely Mum. She has all the power. 99% of the time I just avoid her.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/01/2015 10:53

No that is just not being pulled into her stuff

Nothing wrong with being amused by this better than being worked up at having to actively avoid her trying to be in control

FreudiansSlipper · 01/01/2015 10:56

Being honest and straightforward does not always work as what you see as being that way others do not

You can not change how others are only how we respond and by owning our own feelings

AndyWarholsOrange · 01/01/2015 10:59

I have an Irish MIL and DH told me this joke as a warning before I met his family:
How many Irish Mammies does it take to change a light bulb?
Ah, none. I'll just sit here in the dark.
I'll be grand.

That's my perception of PA.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 01/01/2015 11:02

It doesn't resolve anything. Just be upfront. It's snidey

Somemothers · 01/01/2015 11:07

To me passive aggressive is a bichy comment wrapped up on a compliment of a bitchy deed wrapped up in a helpful gesture

Also women crying when they don't want their husbands to do something burying into tears on hearing their is a stag do imminent ECt very minuliputive

Somemothers · 01/01/2015 11:09

Add message | Report | Message poster AndyWarholsOrange Thu 01-Jan-15 10:59:34

My mil is irish to t hey are the masters

itsbetterthanabox · 01/01/2015 12:15

Somemothers how is crying passive aggressive? You are telling the person the issue you're just user about it? Passive aggressiveness means never addressing the issue.

grimbletart · 01/01/2015 12:58

Passive aggressive is like an elephant - difficult to describe but you recognise it when you see it.

sonjadog · 01/01/2015 13:20

I don't think passve-aggressive is a good choice of behaviour, but I don't think any less of people who do it. I suspect we all do it from time to time. Some people find it hard to express disatisfaction in a direct or assertive fashion. I don't think it is fair to expect them to change their way of communication completely, and for many people being assertive is really, really hard.

The trouble with pa behaviour is that you can never be sure the recipient has gotten the message. I have a good friend and colleague who can be pa on occasions. I always ignore it or take it at face value when he is. If he wants me to respond, then he can talk to me properly about it.

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