Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish my daughter could find some good friends?

48 replies

LRow · 31/12/2014 17:28

DD14 just returned from meeting her best friend after a late exchange of Christmas presents. This girl also was her 'Secret Santa' but had forgotten (not!) to bring her gift the day everyone else exchanged. Well in DD comes with a Jack Wills bag conraining a strange range of toiletries - lavender shower caddy, lily hand cream. Honestly looked like the stuff mums and granny's get that they don't want. Nothing personal, nothing fun or teenagey. My heart goes out to her as my DD is a kind soul and thinks hard to buy nice gifts for her friends. At her birthday time a few months ago, not one of her group got her a card, gift or even a birthday wish. It's a hard day when your daughter walks in the door trying bravely not to cry again!!

OP posts:
bruffin · 31/12/2014 17:36

I dont think gifts maketh a friend. DD 17 has lots of "good" friends and she is still getting birthday presents from September, although they are well thought out gifts and she is just as guilty for sending presents late. Most of them dont have jobs are only just starting to work p/t so they dont have a lot of money for presents.

MissMogwi · 31/12/2014 17:39

Could it be the other girl has no money and has cobbled together a gift?

YANBU however about teenage friendships, they are fickle and can be tough.

Original poster
LRow · 31/12/2014 17:41

I understand it's not about gifts. It's the effort she puts in, simple things like baking a little cake or getting a favourite bar of chocolate. Her whole group couldnt be bothered even to say Happy Birthday as they were very involved in organising another girls birthday, asking DD to contribute money towards it. I feel very sore hearted for her that's all.

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 31/12/2014 17:42

I really feel for her-and you, because it is so hard to watch. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do except encourage other friendships. Has she got interests she could take up outside school?

Theimpossiblegirl · 31/12/2014 17:43

Friendships are hard at that age but try to see it from both sides. Jack Wills is a popular brand with teens so the present doesn't sound too bad. Maybe they're skint and put together what they could.

As for birthday gifts and cards- did she have a party or get together? Kids don't always think about gifts and cards unless they are going to a party. At 14 they are still kids, with no real money of their own (mostly).

I would stop looking at gifts as a measure of friendship to be honest- as long as they are nice to your DD and include her, that should be enough.

Hippiastrum · 31/12/2014 17:46

I know how you feel OP.
My lovely dd is sitting crying in her room because all her friends are going to various parties and no-one has invited her to anything. They all know she is at home with no plans. She had invited a few people round but at the last minute they have all cried off.

It breaks my heart. She is a kind, gentle soul, she makes a huge effort to join in things, but somehow she gets left out.
She asked me what she is doing wrong, but I honestly don't know. Sad

MrsTawdry · 31/12/2014 17:54

I had no friends at all at 14. It took me until I was 17...I had a great later teen period. Please don't think this will last.xxx

LL12 · 31/12/2014 17:55

I'm so worried about this kind of thing happening to my DD, already at 10 years old she has only 1 friend at school who is 2 years younger, it would seem all because she didn't go to the same nursery and infant school as the rest of the girls and I'm not best buddies with and didn't go to the same school as their Mums.

Chandon · 31/12/2014 17:56

Don't take gifts as a measure of friendship.

Original poster
LRow · 31/12/2014 18:02

Money isn't really an issue for the girl. I suppose it's the lack of effort that's upsetting. DD is my third teenage girl and I haven't come across a group like them.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRow · 31/12/2014 18:03

It's not the gift it's the lack of effort. I'm not that shallow.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRow · 31/12/2014 18:05

She is very involved with a sport thankfully.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRow · 31/12/2014 18:07

I know JW is popular. It was only a JW bag. The gift (which isn't my point) was in it. I'm not bothered about the gift, just the effort.

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 31/12/2014 18:08

People are picking up on the present part, but I know that is not at all what you mean. I think it is a common problem and the teens are very difficult years. It is a hidden problem because they can't admit to it. It doesn't mean that she will never have friends-I made lots of friends after I left school and only had a few at 14yrs.

Mehitabel6 · 31/12/2014 18:09

Being involved with the sport is a big plus-concentrate on that.

nooka · 31/12/2014 18:16

My dd had a miserable time a couple of years ago but now has two good friends and doesn't worry too much about everyone else. It's horrible as a parent to watch your lovely child being ostracized and there is very little you can do about it.

For my dd getting involved in an acting group has made a huge difference, they are a lovely accepting bunch and with no connections to her previous group of friends it's been easier for dd to be herself. Plus its obviously a lot of fun.

We are all going to our neighbours for New Year, neither of my children are the partying with mates type (so far) and although dd was a bit down in the dumps about Halloween (big deal here) that was more because her friends were doing things she didn't want to do (horror movie parties).

magicpixie · 31/12/2014 18:58

I would be more concerned about how upset shes getting over this

some people are not good at shopping/getting gifts

its a bit disturbing how personally shes taken it
hate to think how she would react to something actually really bad

Cheerfullygo4 · 31/12/2014 19:10

magicpixie. To tell you the truth she is level headed and kind, not disturbed. Perhaps you don't remember being 14 and dealing with the minefield of girl groups. You've missed the whole point about the gifts. She doesn't really care about what she gets, it's the lack of effort in doing it in time with the group. Forget it!

Mehitabel6 · 31/12/2014 19:13

It is a shame that OP mentioned the presents because some people are just latching in them when she was just using them as an example of the problem.

Schoolchauffeur · 31/12/2014 19:22

My DD was exactly like this aged 14-16 : let down on birthdays, only one of a small class not invited to sleepovers etc. she moved schools at 16 at her request and was shocked to find she had a mass of friends. Now at uni she is the lynchpin of her flat- still quiet,reflective but funny, kind and caring and is now much in demand. Not much comfort in the meantime, but reassure your daughter that if she carried on true to herself she will find friends eventually. My DD says tell her that these girls are not worth her friendship or worrying about and to throw herself into a hobby or club where she will meet a more lime minded person.

Topsycurvy · 31/12/2014 19:47

I get what you mean exactly OP. Yes, it is heartbreaking. I have a lovely 8yo DD and whatever she does at school to fit in with people she just doesn't seem to get it right. Only tonight I saw some pics on FB of a girl she calls her 'best friend' having a birthday meal at pizza express (posted by the girls mum) with 5 other girls from their class. It bought tears to my eyes as DD would be gutted she had been excluded again.

OP, I haven't really got any advice other than to be there for her every step of the way and constantly remind her to be true to herself.

Hippiastrum · 31/12/2014 19:58

I agree - to focus on the gifts is to completely miss the point.

It is heartbreaking. I just hope that in a year or two these lovely, kind girls will meet others who are more likely to be good friends.

I have told DD that much of this behaviour is down to thoughtlessness, but sometimes it just gets too much.

magicpixie · 31/12/2014 20:13

very high maintenance imo to get upset abut the lack of thought that's in a gift, these girls are 14.
and yes I do remember it well
you say she went out the door trying not too cry
I would honestly be v worried at how she would cope with anything serious
not having a go, just saying honestly I would be worried about her

haphazardbystarlight · 31/12/2014 20:17

Well I agree with magicpixie - in not latching onto the gift so much as pointing out some people are crap present buyers - my dad, when he was alive, would always just grab a soap or something for me thinking 'oh it looks girly, it'll do!' It didn't mean he didn't love me.

I honestly wouldn't read much into it although 14 is a difficult age for friendships generally.

madmomma · 31/12/2014 21:34

My daughter was very much the same and is such a lovely girl. Now, at 17, she's finally got a close reliable friend that she can tell everything to (a straight boy, oddly), and a different friend to do geeky stuff with. It's been a long, hard slog but hang in there. At 17, she's still never fancied anyone, wanted to wear make-up, wanted to have a drink... they're all different.