AIBU to wish my daughter could find some good friends?

[LRow]

DD14 just returned from meeting her best friend after a late exchange of Christmas presents. This girl also was her 'Secret Santa' but had forgotten (not!) to bring her gift the day everyone else exchanged. Well in DD comes with a Jack Wills bag conraining a strange range of toiletries - lavender shower caddy, lily hand cream. Honestly looked like the stuff mums and granny's get that they don't want. Nothing personal, nothing fun or teenagey. My heart goes out to her as my DD is a kind soul and thinks hard to buy nice gifts for her friends. At her birthday time a few months ago, not one of her group got her a card, gift or even a birthday wish. It's a hard day when your daughter walks in the door trying bravely not to cry again!!

[GaryShitpeas]

Your poor dd op

I dread my dds having this kind of thing

When I was 14 I'll never forget my group of "friends" all bought each other Xmas presents but not me. There were loads of other incidents as well of me being subtly and not so Subtly left out

I'm not sure even now what was "wrong" with me. But in my case I moved school at 16 to do a levels and made new friends that were just nicer kids in general. And that increased my confidence and in turn I became more popular. I hope things get better for ops dd and any other posters dd going through similar

[tiggydiggydee]

I really feel for your DD. My DD had the same friendship problems at school too. She started her senior school here a year later than others as we moved. So joining year 8 when the girls had all sorted themselves into friendship groups in year 7 didn't help matters. I vividly remember her coming home saying a girl had been handing out party invitations all around her one lunch time but didn't give one to her Age 14/15 is a tricky age, some are very much into parties, boys, make up etc but mine was just into her singing and dancing! She just didn't fit in and wasn't at all interested in the same things. It was a tricky time and she couldn't wait to leave school.
Fast forward a few years and she has a lovely boyfriend, made some lovely friends at 6th form/Uni and is now a busy and happy 22 year old!
We just did our own things at weekends together as a family. Shopping, cinema or her hobbies took all the spare time up and she came to realise that this school group of girls where just never going to be her type. So she came to accept it and although at school it wasn't always easy (Prom was not a happy moment ) out of school we always had things planned to do. This is the toughest part I think at this age but honestly give it a few years and things will get better I promise

[vivideye]

Your DD deserves better friends! I think she knows it deep down. Help her to ditch these lot and get nice ones - this is an important life skill.Good luck!

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Sad to read this. Must be painful for your daughter, and you to witness.

The thing is, some people, despite being lovely and really trying, just aren't popular.

Someone like your daughter, I suspect, is someone who will struggle at school, but really enjoy university or college, because many many more peel and she will find a little group with whom she feels comfortable and happy, and who appreciate her.

[Earlybird]

OP - you and your dd have my sympathies. We have a similar situation here. Dd has spent the entire winter break alone. To be fair, many of her friends are away, but several texts from dd to 'friends' suggesting meeting up have gone unanswered.

Last night we had a long conversation about her upcoming birthday, and whether she'd like to invite a few friends to celebrate. She listed the 6 girls she'd like to invite, and my heart broke for her because none of them are particularly nice to her in spite of dd being an absolutely lovely girl.

I think social media makes it all more difficult too. Thanks to Instagram (etc), it is possible to see who has met up, what they've done, etc, which only compounds the feeling of being left out.

I keep hoping it will get better for dd. She deserves a wonderful, caring, fun friendship group and I hope she finds them (or they find her!),

[oneowlgirl]

I had similar 'friends' at that age too Op & it completely wrecked my confidence. That said, what upset me more was my mums reaction as she was totally gutted for me & upset by it all & that was so obvious that I then felt awful for her & couldn't handle her sympathy as that made me feel like a right sad sack!

I didn't make true friends until university who are still great friends now almost 20 years later (& I did regain my confidence & have a great job / husband / family etc - so things were definitely up after that - not meaning to boast, more to point out that as awful as things feel for her now, they will get better & she'll find true friends eventually).

[ScrummyPup]

Is she trying too hard with this group? Could she redirect some of her compassion into a voluntary activity? She sounds lovely - you must be very proud.

[inlectorecumbit]

Oh l can relate to every one of you with DD2. She went to a different nursery than most of her classmates and l was not a school gate mum so didn't have the mum contact there. Many a night l watched her cry and in the daytime hang about in the garden on her own. Right up until she was 16 she was almost friendless never invited to sleepovers or shopping trips.
Swing to today, now 19 years old-just rolled downstairs after a night of NY partying, she left school-went to college and got a part time job. She has so many groups of friends l have lost count but for the past 2 years and again in 2015 there is a group of 6 who go on holiday together this year to Greece.
She is happy. It took a while and many many years of angst but l believe OP that your daughter has a lot of good friends-she just hasn't met then yet .

[YouTheCat]

So the 'friend' has bunged a few of her mother's unwanted Christmas gifts into a bag and given them to the OP's dd? That's a bit shit. It's like 'oh no I didn't bother getting you a present because I don't think you're worth it so here's some random crap I've shoved in a carrier' - crappy behaviour.

OP, gently encourage your dd towards new friendships.

[Sarine1]

OP - I had a daughter like this when she was younger - she'd have given anything for a 'best friend' and it was so painful watching her. It did finally happen but not until she got to about 15. Negotiating teenage friendships can be so hard and it's difficult as parents to both 'see' exactly what is happening and to be 'intelligently supportive'. As suggested above - help her get involved in activities - clubs, sports etc. Encourage her to see this all as preparation for the future and just to KOKO. Maybe they're not actually very nice and she'd be better quietly disentangling herself from them? Easy to say I know. I just made sure that home life was as supportive and happy as it could be and did lots of things with her so she had a social life (albeit with her Mum ). It also meant that she could invite someone along if she wanted and eventually, I became redundant!

[greenfolder]

yanbu- having the right friends makes a world of difference at this age.

[Easterchuck]

Poor girl, 14-15 is a tricky age for friendships. They think they're grown up and sophisticated but of course they're not.
DS2 went through a rough patch, he was on the periphery of several groups but never seemed to have close friends.
The 6th form was the making of him and he's got a lovely bunch of mates.
Hang on in there DD.

[Hippiastrum]

Oh your poor DD, ALMOSTMRSG
That is it exactly.
They have to go back to school and put on a brave face while these so called friends all talk about their lovely sociable Christmas break.

[ALMOSTMRSG]

OP - my Dd14 is in a very similar situation at the moment. My dd appears to be on the edge of her friendship group and has no idea why. Her 'friends' organised a present swap without her. She has had a lonely Christmas holiday TBH, has only really been out with me or DH, while friends post pictures of ice skating trips and trips to the pictures. She appears to have been dropped by them. She has been in tears about going back to school next week.

[Cheerfullygo4]

Toohasty. That wasn't her attitude, it was mine. Bruffin. It wasn't about the gifts if you would read it properly. Jack Wills doesn't sell that crap. The present is NOT the problem

[bruffin]

To be fair anyoneforturps
The Op was about achrisrmas and birthday gifts and no other problems were mentioned until later

[TooHasty]

DD comes with a Jack Wills bag conraining a strange range of toiletries - lavender shower caddy, lily hand cream. Honestly looked like the stuff mums and granny's get that they don't want. Nothing personal, nothing fun or teenagey

I don't mean to be harsh, but if your DD has this kind of attitude to gifts she is given, it gives a clue as to why she finds it hard to make friends.

[AnyoneforTurps]

Gaah, some people are being incredibly obtuse about the gift. I totally get your point, OP - the issue is not that the gift is crap, it's the lack of reciprocation and the fact that her friends make more effort for other people but not for her.

It's really, really hard but it will get better. The important thing is to try to avoid her badging herself as "the one that always gets left out" or it tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I also think groups are deadly at her age because they are all so insecure that they have a herd mentality and will turn on anyone they perceive as weak. Is there an individual she could befriend outside of her current friendship group?

[SantaBanta]

My dd is 15 and has similar issues - she had a door physically slammed in her face last oct with her the only girl left outside, she's the only one in her house left out of shopping trips and parties - I get so upset for her. Interestingly, adults find her great company, as well as very mature, and can't understand why she is so excluded. I hope she finds her own way soon as I fear her confidence is being worn down. Happily, she is very absorbed in playing guitar which takes all of her spare time. I feel for you x

[madmomma]

My daughter was very much the same and is such a lovely girl. Now, at 17, she's finally got a close reliable friend that she can tell everything to (a straight boy, oddly), and a different friend to do geeky stuff with. It's been a long, hard slog but hang in there. At 17, she's still never fancied anyone, wanted to wear make-up, wanted to have a drink... they're all different.

[haphazardbystarlight]

Well I agree with magicpixie - in not latching onto the gift so much as pointing out some people are crap present buyers - my dad, when he was alive, would always just grab a soap or something for me thinking 'oh it looks girly, it'll do!' It didn't mean he didn't love me.

I honestly wouldn't read much into it although 14 is a difficult age for friendships generally.