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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother does not have bipolar disorder?

147 replies

CundtBake · 30/12/2014 11:58

My brother is early 20s and lives at home with our parents.

He doesn't work, he claims ESA (I think that's what it's called?) by saying he is depressed and basically spends it all on weed.

He is so lazy. His new tactic seems to be to convince himself that he has various mental health disorders to get him out of doing anything. Nothing has ever been diagnosed (other than depression years ago).

When he doesn't have weed he is moody and can't sleep. He's now decided he needs to be tested for bipolar disorder. AIBU in thinking he's taking the puss and he's just a lazy drug addict? I'm so fed up of him minimising mental health disorders like this. Surely if he had bipolar disorder it would be noticeable?

OP posts:
Ohmygrood · 30/12/2014 12:20

Are you Iain Duncan Smith op?

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/12/2014 12:21

so you do not know what benefits he is on and yet you are spreading inaccuracies about him on a public forum?
what a lovely sister you are!!

Original poster
CundtBake · 30/12/2014 12:22

Ok forget it. I came on here because I'm genuinely frustrated and upset about this and could have done with advice on how to deal with it.

He's my little brother and I want what's best for him. After years and years of this shit of course it starts to get tiring.

I have mental health problems myself so I do not take these matters lightly at all.

OP posts:
crumblebumblebee · 30/12/2014 12:22

It just doesn't work like that anymore re: 'lying to doctor and getting signed off' but you seem to be ignoring that to fit your own agenda.

Dawndonnaagain · 30/12/2014 12:23

I find it highly unlikely that a GP has signed him off for no reason. They don't generally have time to do hard luck stories. Oh, and most people who smoke the amount of weed that makes them 'difficult' when they don't have it have really quite severe mental health problems.
I imagine he hasn't talked to you about his difficulties because he's fully aware of your attitude toward him.

Original poster
CundtBake · 30/12/2014 12:23

I said in my OP I wasn't sure that it was ESA.

OP posts:
Original poster
CundtBake · 30/12/2014 12:25

I don't know what to tell you about the doctors notes other than that's what he tells me, he goes to the doctors, I have seen the notes that 'sign him off' for a certain amount of time and he sends them to the job centre. I haven't made it up in my head?!

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 30/12/2014 12:25

so you take your own mental health problems seriously but not his?

expatinscotland · 30/12/2014 12:26

There is no 'something else' besides JSA, and you cannot 'just get signed off' that with doctor's notes. The DWP then stops your benefit and you are forced to try to claim ESA. And for that, you don't just go get doctor's notes and not have to do anything. You have to have assessments, often, with their professionals, attend the Job Cente for WF interview and, if you are on ESA but in the WARG group, participate in activities such as work placements.

It's been a long time since claimants just went to a doctor and sent notes to the Job Centre.

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/12/2014 12:26

Look I am sorry but I really doubt any doctor would sign him off for no good reason. They do know what they are doing you know.
Maybe spend some more time with him and try and help him find a way forward?

ILovePud · 30/12/2014 12:27

To be fair SunnyBaudelaire the poster who said about tough love said nothing about kicking him out just that his parents should stop enabling his weed habit. If he does have BPD then smoking weed may well be doing a lot of damage. OP what support is he getting apart from sporadic sick notes, is he taking anti depressants or getting any input form MH services? If not why not, has he been referred?

Ohmygrood · 30/12/2014 12:28

He's been signed off by a medical professional. Why did you post in AIBU and not mental health?

Original poster
CundtBake · 30/12/2014 12:28

The first two times he told us he had a mental health disorder I took it very seriously. I went to the doctors with him and pushed for tests.

Surely it gets to a point where anyone would start to be sceptical?

I do believe he has a drug problem, and if he could admit that to himself and get help for it I'm sure he would feel so much better.

OP posts:
Original poster
CundtBake · 30/12/2014 12:30

Well I don't know what to tell you about the doctors notes. I've seen them, we've spoken about them.

OP posts:
SeaUnicorns · 30/12/2014 12:30

Well I think you need to talk to him because you clearly don't actually know the whole facts.

I had typed a long reply about how ESA is very very hard to get and certianly impossible to get without a diagnosis it's hard enough to get with one! But that's for another time. . But my tone was fairly angry and you've already been told that. There is no altertive apart from signing on JSA. No benefit I know of means sending in weekly sick notes. That's just not how it works. So I think you have the wrong end of the stick some where.

What are your medical qualifications because you clearly know better than the doctors as has been pointed out they don't actually just sign people off.
And your obviously convinced he's lazy, but then I know many people would say that about me, I'm exhausted after 4 days or 4 hours work but that much social interaction is exhausting. Maybe stop measuring your brother by what you think is right!

Now the weed will actually make him more depressed, you do realise some forms of depression are a life long illness so saying depression years ago, is actually really dismissive.

Hum I'm not sure this any less angry or tactful than my original reply, and we don't know your brother, but on the face of what your telling us your being very dismissive and unsupportive. And even if we tell you that you are being unfair your still going to tell us all that it's your brother not you.

Sallystyle · 30/12/2014 12:32

I have a family member who has had every mental health condition under the sun but not ever actually been diagnosed with anything and has never worked. It's all a very long story but I am going to guess that your brother is similar to my family member and that there is a lot of back story to this and if you had time to type it all out people would understand where you are coming from. I too am skeptical of the next disorder this person says they think they have. This person also has no problems getting benefits without a diagnosis. However, I don't think my family member would want to spend their life the way they do, so there is something going on but after years and years of trying for diagnosis none has ever been given.

It's easy for people to judge your OP without the backstory and I bet there is tons isn't there?

My husband is bipolar but most people would think he was severely depressed and anxious as his mania does not present in the way people think of mania. He was smoking weed and drinking heavily before he got his diagnosis (way before I met him) to self medicate.

ilovechristmas1 · 30/12/2014 12:32

if he has only been claiming ESA for he last 3 months he does not need to do anything else,a note is enough

he will wait for his assessment,normally this is done approx at week 13 BUT there is a huge backlog and many assesments are taking 25wks +

so it is possible he is getting ESA without doing no more than submitting his note to the JC,

mytartanscarf · 30/12/2014 12:34

U2 my brother is like this as well.

My brother basically harasses doctors into doing whatever he wants. I sometimes seriously think he has Munchausen's syndrome or whatever it is called. His medical file is apparently bigger than any other a variety of doctors have ever seen, including 90 year olds with terminal illnesses!

DerbyDoll · 30/12/2014 12:34

Your brother sounds like he is still in what's called the assessment phase of his ESA claim and as you rightly say, he will be required to send gp sick notes into the Job Centre at least every 28 days. Eventually he will be asked to attend a face to face medical with ATOS where based on the information he has provided in his application form plus the views of the assessor will be used to determine if he is eligible for ESA in the longer term and which of the two groups he will be allocated in to (support group or work related activity group) OR they may decide that he is not eligible for ESA and he will have to restart a claim for Job Seekers Allowance. Just wanted to clarify that you are right about that.

FreudiansSlipper · 30/12/2014 12:35

oh dear op you seem to be getting a hard time from some posters what a surprise I can understand it can be very frustrating having a member of the family who seems to be doing anything to avoid being responsible for themselves it causes a lot of strain on a family

but there are reasons he is doing this, what they are maybe unclear, lack of confidence, a reliance on drugs, low self esteem issues, could be a number of reasons looking for a diagnosis itself is telling that someone is wanting some sort of help maybe some counselling would help him or some outside help which he may get (do stress may get) if he goes to the doctor and talks to him/her about him being convenience he has bipolar

tough love often ends up being the only option for some families which is very sad I hope it does not get to this

PausingFlatly · 30/12/2014 12:35

But the OP claims he's been doing this for years and years. So, not 3 months then.

mytartanscarf · 30/12/2014 12:35

Having said that I'm not angry with my brother. It's just sad - I wouldn't want his life!

Original poster
CundtBake · 30/12/2014 12:35

Thankyou U2. Of course there is tons of backstory, he's my brother. Clearly I've been misread on this thread and I understand why. It's so so frustrating to see someone you love waste their whole life like this. And in some ways I feel that it's my fault but that's a whole other story.

I wasn't trying to minimise depression at all. I just said his depression was diagnosed years ago. He is not on any medication or having any counselling. He has no problem going out partying with friends for days on end so I know he's not just tired.

OP posts:
Feminine · 30/12/2014 12:36

I think some posters are being harsh with op. I can hear in her posts she is looking for help, and to try and make sense of the situation.

Sallystyle · 30/12/2014 12:43

My family member has never had a back to work interview, nothing.

I know they are meant to be toughening up on this but in my area they aren't doing a great job.

My family member is very troubled but no dr has ever given them a diagnosis and I have been with that family member throughout all this and I do know all of the details. I know that they were easily signed off but within time when they have dealt with the backlog it will change, but as of now they are signed off relatively easy with very little follow up or interviews etc.