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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for either sympathy or a kick, whichever seems right to you?

42 replies

DrSeuss · 29/12/2014 11:41

Just ended up in tears on discovering that cousin had a night away in a posh hotel with DH for anniversary. Left baby with her parents. She leaves him with them one day and night a week. I have no parents, in laws are three hundred miles away and are a PITA any way. No other family around. We had one night away when DS was 2. He is now 8 and DD is 3. We had to leave as late as possible and return immediately after breakfast as DH's aunt was babysitting and that was all we got. I am exhausted with children, work and house. I never get a break, never mind a night away! No family to help, aunt won't take DD as not fully potty trained.

Just fed up and longing for some freedom! Even for a night!

OP posts:

FauxFox · 29/12/2014 11:47

Can you book a summer hol with a kids club to give you a bit of child free time to look forward to? Can ou find a babysitter and have an evening out now and again? Yanbu to want some time out (but yabu to compare your situation with your cousin and be jealous to the point of tears)

riveravon23 · 29/12/2014 11:48

I understand. I have disabled children who although now adult still need 24/7 care, and am also a foster carer (currently three). Neither can be left with anyone else. I think our last night away together was over 24 years ago. Yes, we go away but with the children coming along. I have no answers, but just wanted to say that I understand the need for a break. I also understand that without the reality of a break in the future, everything seems endless, and how you must long for some times away. I know I sometimes do.

However, I have learnt not to be upset by what others are able to do. That is their life, and mine is somewhat different. The fact someone else is able to have more freedom, makes little difference to what I can, or cannot, do.

So sympathy, but with a little kick too!!!

Hope you have a happy new year.

Dipankrispaneven · 29/12/2014 11:51

YABU to be in tears. When you decide to have children, you don't get to feel sorry for yourself if you have to look after them all the time. At that age I would have thought you could safely get a reliable baby sitter for an evening or even a full day. Presumably you have some sort of childminding arrangement for them when you are at work? Can you not make use of that whilst taking a day off work to go and do something just for you?

Original poster

DrSeuss · 29/12/2014 11:51

I would not be jealous to the point of tears if I weren't a) exhausted b) without any help at all c) had just pretty much single handedly created a family Christmas d) had parents living e) had received any help from my mother when she was alive.
No money for a holiday.

OP posts:

Trills · 29/12/2014 11:51

Professional babysitters exist.

You might not want to leave your kids overnight (or be able to afford it) but you can at least have some evenings out.

Comparing your situation to your cousin's is not going to make you happier.

Taking positive action to improve your situation is.

(that's mostly a kick I suppose, but hopefully a kind one)

Trills · 29/12/2014 11:52

Is your DH a bit rubbish, btw?

Your list of why you are exhausted (points b and c) makes it sound as if he doesn't do very much of use.

Original poster

DrSeuss · 29/12/2014 11:53

Thanks but nearly all of the solutions you propose require money I don't have.

OP posts:

Trills · 29/12/2014 11:54

Do you have any friends with children? You could swap some babysitting.

One evening you look after their kids (and DH looks after your kids), another evening they look after your kids (and you and DH go out).

Purplepoodle · 29/12/2014 11:56

Why can't you leave kids with dh and go do something yourself for a bit of me time. Or get dh to get up with the kids and take them straight out giving u a lie in and slobbing around the house time. Perhaps save up for a babysitter for a night? Some places have reciprocal babysitting circles where a group of parents take turns babysittinf

RoundYonPreMadonna · 29/12/2014 12:01

Leave children with their father for a weekend. Book into travelodge or somewhere equally cheap. Pack hamper of food. Weekend away for about £60.

skylark2 · 29/12/2014 12:01

Okay, going out together might not be possible if you can't pay a babysitter, but you could go out with a friend while your DH looks after the kids.

Or could you babysit for someone in return for them babysitting for you?

I'd rather stay at home than spend a night in a posh hotel so probably not the best person to sympathise on you not being able to do that. But I don't really understand how someone with a DH is doing everything themself. There's an awful lot of "I" in your posts - why isn't it "we"?

RoundYonPreMadonna · 29/12/2014 12:02

Or if no spare money to save get the H to take the children out for the day. At least twice a month.

Original poster

DrSeuss · 29/12/2014 12:05

Sounds good, Round! Could try and save up for that. It would require saving, I don't have that kind of money to hand. Babysitters are about £30 a night here. That plus even a cheap dinner is a lot. Yes, husband does as little as possible re Christmas. Whines about how much work is involved while doing very little.

OP posts:

Ludways · 29/12/2014 12:06

Could your cousin babysit for you?

Also, y y to your going out while dh is a father. I won't say dh can babysit, they're his kids, a father doesn't 'babysit'.

Original poster

DrSeuss · 29/12/2014 12:08

Cousin lives in Scotland, we are in Yorkshire.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 29/12/2014 12:20

I am in a similar position to you. DPs parents 150 miles away, my DM 50 miles away, but unwilling to help out.

I just sent DP and the DC to his parents, so I get a bit of a break. They are back tomorrow!

FollowTheStarship · 29/12/2014 12:25

YANBU to mind, YANBU to have a cry about it. I know how it feels, and while I really, honestly don't begrudge other people their child-free trips away and free help with kids, I have indulged in feeling sorry for myself that we don't. All our parents are no longer with us, far away and/or not interested at best, not fit to be around kids at worst.

Of course I always knew this and yes I had kids with my eyes open that I wouldn't be getting any family help. It's still hard when you're exhausted and stressed and someone announces they are leaving their small DC with granny while they have a night or weekend away - or that the GP have their kids one night a week. I have cried too!

The other thing is if you never get that kind of support, you and your DC all get used to always being together and it becomes harder to be separated. My oldest is 9 and still anxious about sleepovers etc. I'm resigned to having to wait until they are both teens to have some freedom back. I hope to have an adventurous later life!

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 29/12/2014 12:29

Thanks but nearly all of the solutions you propose require money I don't have.

So then how could you afford a night in a posh hotel?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/12/2014 12:32

Baby sitting circle. Two or three neighbours or school gate pals, you go to theirs to baby sit, while DH sits with yours, then the next week they return the favour.

Blackout234 · 29/12/2014 12:34

WYGBSR
Financial situations do change, her last night away was when her 8yr old was 2. 6 years leaves alot of room for change

skylark2 · 29/12/2014 12:40

Your DH needs a kick. You may need to be the one to give it to him.

If you don't have money to go out, I'm not sure that finding ways to get a babysitter for free is going to help. But you not doing everything yourself should make a difference to you.

QTPie · 29/12/2014 12:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 29/12/2014 12:41

Not sure i understand what point you are making blackout OP is upset that her cousin had a night away in a posh hotel and had someone to babysit. That wasnt 6 years ago. OP says she has just discovered it and is upset because she has no babysitters in the family so cant have a night away. People suggested OP get a babysitter and she says she cant afford it. In which case she wouldnt be able to afford the night away either.

Blackout234 · 29/12/2014 12:43

Hence why she is upset probably. Anyhow, I thought you were getting at the night out she had 6yrs ago. Ooops

Marylou62 · 29/12/2014 12:54

OP...another one here who can count on one hand how many nights childfree in 24 years....I am lucky in that my family are all well but are 250 miles away and DHs are dead...But you know what....I can say I did it all myself....there was a mother at school whos DC were picked up by GPs on fri and returned on Monday....I was so jealous sometimes...she still moaned tho!...You ANBU to feel like you do, especially as I am sure it makes you miss your Mum very much...

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