To be stressing out over my unfortunate post - marriage name??

[Shande80]

DP and I are getting married in May 2016. The combination of my first name and his second name gives the same name as an undesirable soap opera character. I've already had sniggers and jokes and one person (who wasn't aware of my situation) joked "hey wouldn't it be funny if you married someone with the surname *** oh how awful would that be!" .

The was I see it I have three options ...

1. Grin and bear it ... For years ... And years ... And years ...
2. Not change my second name which would be a shame as I'd like us to have the same name and this option would not go down well with his family. Plus his ex wife still has his surname which would make it seem even worse that I didn't iykwim??
3. Change my first name. I've always hated the fucker anyway but I can imagine it being a right faff on trying to get everyone on board.

It's stressing me out and I don't even watch the bloody program.

Women's names are always rubbish/embarrassing/hard to spell. Men's names very rarely are. I alwqys find that fascinating..........

Mr sheen - I think that describing women who disagree with you as " bleating " is rather sexist and offensive

I don't think it's sexist, it certainly wasn't intended to be. People describe men as bleating too, it's not a sex-specific put down in the way that 'trilling', for example might be. I also have no information about whether the posters with whom I disagree are women or not, although I concur they probably are. It was meant to be offensive, but I shall rephrase if it bothers anyone.

I think that posters who claim that for a man to change his name to his wife's, within the context of our patriarchal society, carries the same social cost as a woman changing her name to her husband's, are being a trifle obtuse.

How do you feel about the symbolism of that name being the man's name?

I think it sucks, particularly in cases like the OP's where the new name is not liked, but I understand that people have many reasons why they want to do it and I understand why a man may find it difficult to change his name when there is no social convention to do so. I also think it sucks that women who do make the choice to change their name are labeled as stupid or insecure. It is often a hard thought decision.

Do you know, if the husband changes his name on marriage and any children come along, everyone will still have the same, unified family name. It's almost as if there are other, equal options available to couples!

Keeping my maiden name would've meant keeping my father's name. Not particularly a rejection of the patriarchy

But your husband's name is his father's as well. And your name is the one that you have had since birth and which you have made your own.

And if you give it to your children, then they have their mother's name...........

Keeping my maiden name would've meant keeping my father's name. Not particularly a rejection of the patriarchy

I think that while I share a name with my dad, after 46 years this name is as much mine as his.

And that new traditions (eg, not changing your name on marriage), have to start somewhere.

I never watch Coronation Street or watch any soaps, but even I've heard of Tracey Barlow.
(Sorry, I'm not much help lol)

Go with what you want OP-whether it's staying with the name you have, change it to his, double barrel or make something new. Just don't do what my friends do, they combined double barrels and bloody hell does no one bother to use it. Each had their own double barrelled name which was massively long already-think 10 letters minimum for each), they then combined them to give X-X-X-X, their poor child's first name is hard enough for her to spell and write (double barrelled again) it just looks very ludicrous now to see it: think Annabella-Katherine X-X-X-X.

They could have combined their names to give something much shorter, even double barrelled shorter. They get the royal hump when people misspell or they get one name missed off or the Christmas cards come addressed to their first names, no last.

I understand why they doubled, we did, but to double barrels double barrels- I just think what the hell happens if she gets married and wants her kids to have both her and her partners last names?

Ahh yes Raincorn, and continuing the status quo certainly asserts equality doesn't it?

No. I should've grabbed the opportunity and taken an entirely new name but both I and my husband probably come under the 'deeply stupid' catagory and didn't think of it at the time (i did give birth later that week, tbf i had other priorities). And there's someone else posting under Rainicorn.

arbitrarily using my father's for x number of years makes it mine but actively choosing another human being's does not? Interesting.

I say didn't think of it, what I really meanis cocouldn't come up with one acceptable to both of us which wasn't like 'starfax the destroyer'.

Changing your surname to your husband's is not in itself necessarily a stupid pointless thing to do but some of the reasons people give for doing it are. e.g. because husband or (husband's family) will be unhappy if you don't.

"arbitrarily using my father's for x number of years makes it mine but actively choosing another human being's does not? Interesting".

People don't just choose 'another human beings' do they, as if there is a smorgasbord of names to choose from and oh! they just happen to stumble across the same one as the husband. They passively take the husband's name - or rather, the husband's father's name if we're going down that silly route

Agree with Saki - the reasons are often very silly or illogical, dressed up as if it was the only choice, or the most logical thing in the world.

"Having the same name as the kids" - well if he takes your name the same objective is achieved.

"I wanted us to be a family unit" - names alone do not dictate this, and anyway any old name will do this, whether it's the woman's, the man's, or one plucked out of thin air.

"Didn't like my name (for whatever reason)" - Odd that it's mainly women who ever seem to have such a laissez faire attitude to their own name. Wouldn't have anything to do with a culture which teaches society that women's names are disposable now would it?

"Family would disapprove" - let them!

Yet funny, apparently millions of women agonise over this decision yet all come to the same conclusion - the man's name. How strange.

""Didn't like my name (for whatever reason)" - Odd that it's mainly women who ever seem to have such a laissez faire attitude to their own name. Wouldn't have anything to do with a culture which teaches society that women's names are disposable now would it?"

Funnily enough my brother also changed his surname - not due to marriage but because he also thought our surname was shit!

DH's surname is nicer than mine, sounds better with my first name than my own surname and is nearer the beginning of the alphabet but I've still never considered changing to it. I don't regard my surname as being my Dad's, although he does have the same one, it's mine because it's what I was given at birth.

"Having the same name as the kids" - well if he takes your name the same objective is achieved"

I don't think anyone has claimed that him taking your name doesn't achieve that objective. But changing your name is one easy, simply path-of-least-resistance way of achieving that legitimate objective. Not everyone wants to take the high impact, high stress way of achieving every single thing. To some people, to plenty of people, they would rather fight other battles.

It doesn't make it a silly or illogical reason to change your name.

Yes, I could have achieved my name by both double barrelling, or picking a new family name, or him changing to mine. But I was far less political at the time and tbh, it didn't seem a big deal.

I actually still don't think it's the massive deal it's sometimes made out to be.

Why would it need to be high-stress for the man to change his name? I can imagine more raised eyebrows, but he can do it in exactly the same way as a woman could. Presumably the stress would come from getting him to agree to do it in the first place! I look forward to seeing more of what same sex couples choose to do with their names, now there is equal marriage.

Was that to me brandysnapper? I simply meant the tedium of explaining again, and again, why you were changing names the way you were. The conversations with grandparents and elderly aunts, DH having to have endless passive aggressive conversations with his parents (who would be offended and therefore bring it up frequently. For years). Jokes from colleagues who think its a bit of a joke, etc.

Honestly, I am all for people who make other choices. I wasn't knocking that. All I was saying is that changing your name is a legitimate way of achieving a legitimate objective. The only issue I have with my choice is that there were more feminist ways of achieving it. But at that point in my life, I chose the socially easy way. And that doesn't make me insecure, stupid or conservative. I would probably accept slightly lazy.

I know two gay and one straight couple who have merged surnames to create a family name. Which is lovely, but obviously not an option for everyone. Not all names merge well.

I knew a Peter Paine married to Pat Paine and they lived in Peene much wetting of pants immature

People find my surname a pain in the bollocks to spell and pronounce, although it is quite common and Irish (- common as in many of them!). I didn't change my name when I got martied as

a. Didn't want to
b. Don't like DH's (German; think Alan Rickman in Die Hard).
c. Live in a country where women don't automatically change their surname

So, once a Crap Bag, always a Crap Bag!

OP, couldn't you change your name to Crap Bag and just be done with it? Or Crappina Bag, the feminine form!

I don't know who TB is, but if you think you'll have problems, then don't change it, or ask your future DH to change his. Frankly his family's take on it is neither here nor there idiots

Was that to me brandysnapper? I simply meant the tedium of explaining again, and again, why you were changing names the way you were. The conversations with grandparents and elderly aunts, DH having to have endless passive aggressive conversations with his parents (who would be offended and therefore bring it up frequently. For years). Jokes from colleagues who think its a bit of a joke, etc.

That is an example of a stupid reason for changing your surname to your DH's. Grandparents, elderly aunts and colleagues wouldn't be that interested and probably wouldn't remember whose surname you are using anyway. You wouldn't need to explain again and again. Your DH's parents wouldn't bring it up frequently either if you put them straight regarding their sexist opinions in the first place.

Oh FFS. I give up.

I have to say that although I did change my name that was many years ago and if I were to get married now I don't know if I would.
However it is a choice for each woman to make and make sweeping generalisations about the choices women make helps no one.