To be stressing out over my unfortunate post - marriage name??

[Shande80]

DP and I are getting married in May 2016. The combination of my first name and his second name gives the same name as an undesirable soap opera character. I've already had sniggers and jokes and one person (who wasn't aware of my situation) joked "hey wouldn't it be funny if you married someone with the surname *** oh how awful would that be!" .

The was I see it I have three options ...

1. Grin and bear it ... For years ... And years ... And years ...
2. Not change my second name which would be a shame as I'd like us to have the same name and this option would not go down well with his family. Plus his ex wife still has his surname which would make it seem even worse that I didn't iykwim??
3. Change my first name. I've always hated the fucker anyway but I can imagine it being a right faff on trying to get everyone on board.

It's stressing me out and I don't even watch the bloody program.

Sorry but this 'women who change their names on marriage are either deeply insecure, deeply conservative or deeply stupid'. is still pissing me off.

Surely one of the things that we should take from feminism is that women should stand together and respect one another's choices. If I chose to take my husbands name then I should be able to do so without being called insecure, conservative or stupid by my fellow women.

People would get used to it very quickly. I've known a few people with notable names and its suprising how quickly you forget the connection.

I changed to my DHs surname but I wished we had considered a brand new family name. My maiden name isn't very nice but I don't much like DHs either. We could have choosen a fantastic new name that was all ours.

Someone once posted on MN about the surname 'Fox-Wilde' - I love that name, it's my imaginary surname. Ms Fox-Wilde sounds brilliant.

I have never watched Corrie but have heard of the name though.

Women are capable of making profoundly unfeminist choices. Absolutely a woman should be free to make any choice she wants- but she must understand the context of the choice, and to acknowledge that just because she makes it doesn't make it feminist.

And even if you object to insecure or stupid (not words I personally would have chosen, by the way) I don't see how you could possibly object to conservative. That's just a statement of fact.

I don't see how you could possibly object to conservative. That's just a statement of fact.

But how can someone know enough about me from the one fact that I chose to change my name to state as a FACT that I am conservative.

Also, I don't claim to be a feminist, and I don't claim that choosing to change my name was in any way a feminist choice. It was a choice that I made a great number of years ago and I dislike that someone would judge me a insecure, stupid or conservative based on that one choice.

No. It isn't. Unless you would say the same to anyone following general societal norms. is it deeply conservative to marry, for example? What about a woman who takes all the parental leave? Teaching your children to say please? You can label anything conservative if you simply mean common. But the tone, alongside insecure and stupid implies something far more judgmental and sneer and superior. And generally pretty rude.

I agree it is not a feminist choice. But I don't think that is carte blanche to be rude about the choice.

I don't understand why you woudl even contemplate changing your first AND surname while you DH to be won't even change his surname .

Why wont he change his name ? I thought it was important to his family and to you that you both have the same surname . And it neatly solves the " problem " of not sharing a name with his ex wife

Just change it to his and ignore the people who comment on it. After all, probably 50% of the population don't know who she is anyway, and she won't be in the soap forever (or she'll marry and change her name). Actually, that's an idea - could you suggest to the script-writers that she change hers instead??

And please don't double-barrel it. So, so naff.

Also I agree with Pipbin. Deciding you can label a person as a whole conservative (the quote wasn't that the single choice was a conservative one) based on one decision, is pretty daft.

But there lots of things for me. I like being 'The Smiths'. I like that I am instantly identifiable as a family member of mychildren from my name. I like the convenience. And more than anything else I would hate it if my kids shared a name with their dad but not me (I have never understood why people do that personally)

Likewise I don't understand any of your reasons. Tbh they do strike me as being insecure in who you are as a person - you have to be identified as part of your family.

My objection , aside from the fact my surname is much nicer (odd that it's always the woman who has the awful surname she's desperate to give up) is that I loathe the word "Mrs".

I don't understand why men are so attached to their names. It's not like it's really their name anyway, it's just their fathers

I wouldn't have known the name. Never watched an episode of Corrie (is it Corrie?) in my life. It's not an unusual first or second name, I would just go with it.

women who change their names on marriage are either deeply insecure, deeply conservative or deeply stupid

I'm with Pipbin, I find this very offensive. I chose (and it was an active and definite choice) to take DH's surname when we married. I'm neither deeply insecure, conservative nor stupid.

I don't think men are attached as such but it's more that they've never really considered that they would change it. Imagine something which is yours, has always been yours and you presume will always be yours, and then it suddenly being suggested you change it. Your first name for example. I think you'd be pretty nonplussed at the idea of changing it. Whereas girls, we grow up knowing that lots of women change their name on marriage and that it's a distinct possibility. So I think it's more that that expectation is there from an early age whereas for boys they don't have that because nobody ever tells them they might want to or are supposed to change their name.

I like the idea of having a family name. I took my husband's because I prefer it to mine and I don't like double barrelled names, but I won't lie and say I wasn't influenced by tradition - it's still extremely unusual for a man to take his wife's name and would have been questioned, as well as the fact he had probably never considered it for a second. In some ways I would have liked him to take mine but it wasn't worth the energy - I like his name too, and I like the connection to his family which is big and in some ways the family I always wanted. My surname is my dad's who I'm not close to and not my mum's, who I am.

I am not insecure. I like being visibly part of my family. Only on MN is that considered so odd as to indicate insecurity. Similar to the slating I have seen wedding rings get on here. Yet a lot of married people I know are perfectly secure and normal and like wearing one.

I am generally not Mrs these days.

While I don't agree that feminism is about supporting women's choices to do whatever they like I do think that there is a particularly narrow minded or unimaginative mindset adopted by some people on this issue.

Names are hugely emotive, as is marriage. There is an unwillingness amongst some people to acknowledge that for many women, getting married is a hugely exciting time filled with symbolism about joining two people together and names are part of that. Many women actually want to change their name because they love the person they are marrying and are excited about the new phase in their lives. This doesn't make people conservative, or thick, or insecure.
Bleating that men don't feel the same pull is rather pointless, given the context of the tradition.

I could say that people who don't understand why other women choose to change their name on marriage must be deeply insecure about their own choice or deeply stupid or deeply unimaginative, but that would be rude and not strictly true. I do think some people find it much easier than others to accept that different people make different choices for different reasons without seeing it as a personal slight against the choice that they made. I also think that some people are better at acknowledging that their experiences and emotions are not exactly the same as everyone else's, so the context in which other people make choices is not the same as theirs.

I don't wear a ring, and I don't use Mrs but I still like the symbolism behind sharing a name so shoot me

While I don't agree that feminism is about supporting women's choices to do whatever they like

And I agree with you MrSheen - what I was trying to say that feminism isn't helped by women telling other woman they are doing being a woman wrong. Insulting someone is not a good way to get them to agree with you.

Either don't change your surname at all, or both double barrel your surnames so you have the same one. That way you both get to keep your surnames and your names are different to his ex wife (if that's important to you). A male colleague of mine got married this summer and both him and his new wife double barrelled their surnames. So (for instance; not real names) Jane Brown and Daniel Smith became Jane Smith-Brown and Daniel Smith-Brown. His surname is first but think that's just because it flows better that way, rather than putting the man's surname first. Could be an ideal solution in this instance .

Just double barrel and ignore those who consider it 'so, so naff'.

As for the shock to the senses of men being asked to contemplate changing it adjusting their name, perhaps they can take courage from the fact that over the last generation millions of men have survived the changes involved in not having a woman promise to obey on marriage, changing a nappy, answering to a female CEO, driving the bus they catch etc etc.

Christmas that won't work - Tracy's been married 3 times (and almost a 4th) and has had 5 different names and everyone still calls her Tracy Barlow

Change your first name Shande - if you really do dislike it this is an ideal opportunity. People will soon get used to it!

Mr sheen - I think that describing women who disagree with you as " bleating " is rather sexist and offensive

"don't wear a ring, and I don't use Mrs but I still like the symbolism behind sharing a name so shoot me"

How do you feel about the symbolism of that name being the man's name?