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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder when my Christmas 'holiday' starts?

107 replies

underappreciated · 27/12/2014 10:05

I am a SAHM - so do all the housework. Washing, ironing, shopping, cooking as my 'job'. DS is a teen so I am not busy with childcare.

But - this holiday when Ds and DH manage to find loads of free time to loaf around doing their own thing why do I not seem to manage to find any time to relax?

I spent the week up to Christmas day cleaning the house, shopping and prepping food (DH did help with this tbf), finalising gifts etc. On Christmas day itself I was cooking for 14. That took up the whole day. I was getting most annoyed when various guests would ask " did you watch so and so on the tv this morning/last night/the day before?". Umm No. I was too busy doing jobs to actually sit down and enjoy any xmas movies or quiet time.

The final straw came when yesterday afternoon when DH had gone out to football, I was taking an hour to myself to do the footner thing. DS (17) came down to make himself a snack. I asked him if he wouldn't mind making me a cuppa. He refused - so I exploded.

Currently the first one up today.

I have made myself breakfast and commandeered the tv in the lounge. Kitchen is a mess. Dishwasher needs emptying of the clean dishes, there is a pile of dirty ones waiting to go in.

So, this isn't really an AIBU - just a vent and moan.

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 27/12/2014 12:10

" Add message | Report | Message poster Pagwatch Sat 27-Dec-14 12:02:40
What is the frantic extra cleaning about?
Has anyone ever gone to someone's house on Christmas Day and been disappointed by the shocking state of the skirting boards?"

Well that's just answered a question I posted on another thread "what on earth do you all want laminators for?" I plan to print that off and get it laminated.

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/12/2014 12:16

You're happy to do the tidying when everyone is at work?

What else would you be doing? Your son is all but an adult and you don't have a job Confused

I'd be moderately narked by your attitude if I were your DH.

UptheChimney · 27/12/2014 12:18

Those who go out to work /school get a break

Those of us who go out to work do all the house & Christmas prep stuff as well. I manage it as an LP with an almost grown up DS. I never could understand this "SAHM" when childcare is no longer an issue. But then as a young widow, I never had a choice.

You made a choice ...

idiuntno57 · 27/12/2014 12:19

But MrsLindor are you saying it is just semantics and the OP should refer to herself as housewife rather than SAHM or are you saying that there is not enough to justify being at home if you 'only' have one teenager.

Seems to me there is a lot of stealth boasting going along by other posters by bashing the OP

Pagwatch · 27/12/2014 12:27

I don't know about it being a sahm bashing thread but it is definitely becoming a sahm vs whom competitive misery thread.

Being a parent at home to a teenager may or may not be a crap life choice.
But being a 'sahm' to a teenager does present a challenge in terms of independence - that is far more of an issue imho
By all means snark at the op for her choice. But my concern is that people seem to feel it is fine that she should be expected to do everything and leave her ds in his current dependent, idle state.

I've had to manage this. It's a parenting issue and the op needs to get a grip before she sends her son into adulthood believing that a woman is responsible for everything domestic without any regard to how poorly that will serve him.

1981 · 27/12/2014 12:35

You sound a bit of a martyr to me

100% agree wit this

OP isn't a SAHM if she has 1 17 year old DS, she's a housewife. That's not me being judgemental BTW, it's just she's not really doing childcare is she.

Also agree that she's sending a very fucked up message to her DS about what role women should play in life. But then I think the OP sounds like a PITA martyr so probably won't listen or change anything after I write this.

formerbabe · 27/12/2014 12:43

So you are not really a sahm...you are a housewife. Nothing wrong with that. I would, however, imagine you have plenty of free hours everyday to relax, pursue hobbies etc. Sounds like you have it pretty good to me.

AnyFucker · 27/12/2014 12:46

whoa, replies bordering on nasty now

absolutely no need for that

how do we know op isn't listening ?

ouryve · 27/12/2014 13:00

I'm a SAHM with 2 kids with AN and I've spent copious amounts of time sat on my arse, this week. OK, the house is far from spotless, but I never is with the kids home and we've been passing a lurgy around between each other that has made it harder to keep on top of stuff.

There's a lot of toys on the floor, a threatening looking pile of ironing lurking in the kitchen and a few clothes need putting away. The world is still turning, as far as I'm aware.

The world hasn't ended, though. DH and I have shared out jobs without anyone needing to end up ranting about it and I'm expecting that, by 17, even with his SN, DS1 will be perfectly capable of shifting for himself a bit, instead of expecting the bacon sandwich fairy to do his bidding. Even at 11, he's expected to keep on top of putting things like his massive coin collection away, at the end of the day, because the way that I'll put it away won't meet with his approval and will often see it put away away, so he doesn't have ready access to it, the next day.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 27/12/2014 13:01

Has anyone ever gone to someone's house on Christmas Day and been disappointed by the shocking state of the skirting boards?

Quite possibly at my house. Xmas Grin

Seriously though, I think taking pot shots at the OP is not necessary. I could easily say "oh, I don't work, both my dcs are in primary school, but I struggle to get everything done" and you could all rip the piss out of me, call me lazy, whatever. Of course, you don't know my full circumstances, so all those ripping in would be dead wrong. But hey, don't let the fact that you don't really KNOW the OP's circumstances slow you down. By all means, just continue harping about how she can't be a SAHM when a child is 17. Hmm Jeez, people. Back the fuck off, for crying out loud. There is no need to rip apart the OP.

Pagwatch · 27/12/2014 13:03

You are welcome Stealth.

Personally I am going to laminate

"This year I worked up to 1 on Christmas Eve went to Christingle and cooked Christmas dinner for 12. My teens and DP chipped in to help but I am organised but not a martyr." and laugh my arse off all Christmas.

Pagwatch · 27/12/2014 13:04

Alice Grin

You need to get a drink in their hand waaay quicker.

Sallystyle · 27/12/2014 13:05

I am a full time student with five children; two with special needs and a mini zoo.

I still have more free time than you do. I don't mean that to sound smug like I fear it might do, I just can't understand why you have so little free time. Are you by any chance making things more hard work than they need to be and could you perhaps relax on a few things?

AliceinWinterWonderland · 27/12/2014 13:06

Pagwatch Either that or I need to just get a drink in MY hand quicker. Then I won't care if they notice the skirting boards or not. Grin

Sallystyle · 27/12/2014 13:08

Oh and sometimes something has to give.

My house is a bit messy right now with Xmas stuff everywhere so we have decided to keep it decent enough but not do a big clean until the kids are back in school so we can also enjoy the time.

Meals will be easy meals from now on so we don't have so much work to do.

Sometimes you have to let things go for a while.

formerbabe · 27/12/2014 13:11

I'm going to cautiously ask the op if she has any issues with cleaning/order as I can't believe she doesn't have much free time in her situation. I can clean my house really thoroughly in 2/3 hours.. how many hours are you doing housework for each day op?

DaisyFlowerChain · 27/12/2014 13:11

"Those who go to work get a break"

PMSL at that, yes I'm sure all those employers see their staff as having a break Hmm. Your DH must feel so valued, he gets to go to work for a break whilst earning enough to keep you in your every need from tampax to food. He's so lucky, mmmm.

Pagwatch · 27/12/2014 13:13

Good plan Alice.

ouryve · 27/12/2014 13:14

Varifocals are wonderful. i can see the dust better to get rid before anyone else notices, but the skirting boards are just a blur, so I don't get to care whether they'll meet anyone's approval.

I got DH a Dymo for Christmas. Thinking of the mischief I can get up to with that and my laminator Xmas Grin

Birdsgottafly · 27/12/2014 13:20

Anyone who has watched "Wife Swap" has seen how some women turn, cleaning and running the house into a 14 hour a day job, they do look for things to do and expect everything perfect.

What is sad with these women is that they have stopped having a quality relationship with their Partners and Children (and usually wider family/friends).

OP I would be concerned that I'm not getting cuddling time, time to get tipsy etc with my OH.

You need an honest look at your lifestyle.

As for getting tougher on your OH and DS, they may have the balance right.

I was widowed with three children, worked FT, my house was/is messy (now manly because of my dog).

I wouldn't be told by anyone that my concern/time spent should be about housework. A couple of hours a day is enough to keep a house ticking over, then a deep clean every so often.

You need to completely reassess your attitude to cleaning, or accept that this is your choice, inflicting it, further (as in they have to subscribe to it) on your Partner and Son may not have the consequences that you want.

Birdsgottafly · 27/12/2014 13:23

Also, OP, how do you feel when you are going in holiday/short breaks, do you feel anxious about the cleaning, can you just have complete time off?

This could be a problem that has crept up on you.

Stealthpolarbear · 27/12/2014 17:43

Upturnchimney and daisy I think the op specifically meant in her family when she said that

simbacatlivesagain · 27/12/2014 17:51

*Being the SAHM is where I am going wrong.

My SAHM job - is basically housekeeper, cleaner, organiser, planner, general facilitator. I also do a few bits of admin for DH's business.

But that means that all my 'jobs' which I do in the week are still there at weekends and holidays. Those who go out to work /school get a break. I don't.*

I dont think you get it. I work 60 hours a week and OH does 50 odd and we still do all of those things as well.

idiuntno57 · 27/12/2014 17:56

simbacat just because you can do it/have a job/ create world peace doesn't mean that the OP is having it any easier. It is just different.

For all we know she has a massive house, has to care for 5 ailing relatives and also runs the local foodbank.

Stop knocking the woman. She just asked for a little sympathy. Not a list of how much more wonderful and capable everyone else is.

simbacatlivesagain · 27/12/2014 17:56

I wasnt knocking SAHM I was trying to make the point that it is the same fro everyone at Christmas. We have been working non stop to entertain our guests. If you dont want to do it then dont do Christmas- but you are only doing what most adults are doing.

Your OH needs to do his share (which would be 50% of everything outside his working and commuting hours- assuming you work full time within those hours)