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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder when my Christmas 'holiday' starts?

107 replies

underappreciated · 27/12/2014 10:05

I am a SAHM - so do all the housework. Washing, ironing, shopping, cooking as my 'job'. DS is a teen so I am not busy with childcare.

But - this holiday when Ds and DH manage to find loads of free time to loaf around doing their own thing why do I not seem to manage to find any time to relax?

I spent the week up to Christmas day cleaning the house, shopping and prepping food (DH did help with this tbf), finalising gifts etc. On Christmas day itself I was cooking for 14. That took up the whole day. I was getting most annoyed when various guests would ask " did you watch so and so on the tv this morning/last night/the day before?". Umm No. I was too busy doing jobs to actually sit down and enjoy any xmas movies or quiet time.

The final straw came when yesterday afternoon when DH had gone out to football, I was taking an hour to myself to do the footner thing. DS (17) came down to make himself a snack. I asked him if he wouldn't mind making me a cuppa. He refused - so I exploded.

Currently the first one up today.

I have made myself breakfast and commandeered the tv in the lounge. Kitchen is a mess. Dishwasher needs emptying of the clean dishes, there is a pile of dirty ones waiting to go in.

So, this isn't really an AIBU - just a vent and moan.

OP posts:

Tinkerball · 27/12/2014 10:37

I've also got a 21 year old DS still living at home to.

LadyLuck10 · 27/12/2014 10:38

Fgs op you are a sahm parent. You definitely have way more time to so whatever you want than someone who has to work and do the same duties. Stop moaning because you are martyr who is doing this to yourself. I have sympathy for wohp.

merlehaggard · 27/12/2014 10:39

On the whole I think the problem is more with you than them. Up until earlier this year I was a SAHM and said exactly the same as you, in that the house is your "job" and that you couldn't get away from it in the same way that my husband does. My husband just seems to see past mess. But I know really that the problem was that I was trying to keep the house in a constant state of cleanliness and tidiness and could not just switch off. Would only feel happy if there was literally nothing to do, which was pretty much never.

My husband would also do jobs that NEEDED doing but I would jump in first resentfully. He is a better judge of when they needed to be done and kept unnecessary jobs to a minimum. I'm trying to do nothing today, having been visiting relatives the last few days, but am struggling!

CalleighDoodle · 27/12/2014 10:42

Youre not a sahm, your son is 17, youre a housewife. That cannot possibly take up all if time everyday. You are either being a martyr or are incredibly badly organised. Most women do all the housework on too if full time jobs.

Use your time off to find a job

BeyondTheTreelights · 27/12/2014 10:43

Just trying to figure it out lady and tink. Hell, i dont get it myself, i'm perfectly capable of tuning out mine (4 and 2) and mning while they kill each other play

Original poster

underappreciated · 27/12/2014 10:45

I will make a plan for the new year.

The issue here is that i am happy to do the housey jobs - during the week, when everyone else is woh. It's when it is holiday time that I get pissed off still doing it all.

I could, and should, leave it for DH and DS - and it is my own fault that I find it hard to leave it as I like things doing straightaway. I don't like messy homes and find it hard to relax with things strewn around.

I intend to get DS doing more. He is perfectly capable. I don't have room for complaint most of the time - I have a couple of hobbies which I have time for during the week.

OP posts:

AliceinWinterWonderland · 27/12/2014 10:53

If your 17yo acts like a child and hides out in his room on the internet, then treat him like a child. Change the internet password. Or turn it off. It can come back on when he's shaped up and helped around the house more.

But yes, I completely get where you're coming from. 2 years ago, I got fed up with DH (now stbx) when he was off work for a week and he declared that he was basically going to do SFA during the week as it was his "holiday time off" and he should be able to relax. "Fine" says I, pulling out my diary "what week shall I write in for MY holiday when I can do SFA?" Pen poised. DH looking puzzled. "What are you talking about? You don't work!" The rest of the scene was pretty ugly. Prat.

StripedCandycaneOss · 27/12/2014 10:58

my dh said this to me on tuesday, and when i pulled him up on it he backtracked quite sharply.

My comment of "What? Like mine did after i finished work on saturday and have done nothing but cook and clean since?"

If you want a holiday, make time for it, sit on your arse for a few hours and stop doing everything for everyone!

sydlexic · 27/12/2014 11:00

You have my sympathies. Can I moan too. Just carried the Grocery delivery upstairs (town house). I have a bad back, awaiting hospital appointment. Where is DH, at the gym, his muscles are purely ornamental.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2014 11:05

syd, your H shouldn't have gone to the gym until after the grocery delivery

Original poster

underappreciated · 27/12/2014 11:08

Right. My plan for the day is a leisurely bath. That should take two hours or so. Then a lounge around with the remote control.

Thanks for all the replies - nice and not so nice

syd that's not fair. Hope you are laying down now. Your DH can 'warm down' when he gets in by putting away the groceries ;)

OP posts:

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 27/12/2014 11:09

Is your DS planning to go to uni? If so, part of your job as a parent is to prepare him for living away from home. He needs to know how to cook, clean and wash clothes as a minimum. Both my DC were stunned to discover friends in their halls of residence were completely clueless because they'd never had to wash up, launder clothes or shop and cook for a meal. One boy didn't know that pizza had to be stored in a fridge until his friend noticed a smell coming from the cupboard! Another friend didn't know that bread goes mouldy after a few days. You have time to turn this situation around otherwise your DS will be one of those slobby students that nobody wants to share a house with.

Pagwatch · 27/12/2014 11:15

I'm not sure if mine was one of the 'not so nice' but my intention in posting was to help you address your situation rather than saying 'there there' so you continue thinking that they are the problem and waiting for them to change.
It may be blunt but posting an alternative view does not mean it is unkindly met.

Mrsstarlord · 27/12/2014 11:15

Get a job and continue to look after the house / do the ironing etc then spend some time reflecting on just how much time you have for yourself at the moment - you could even give it up in time for next Christmas as a gift to yourself and your family.

DeadCert · 27/12/2014 11:17

Can you really call yourself a stay at home Mum if your son is 17? Really?

You don't have a job OP. That's fine. But your role isn't a SAHM. That's for young children. You've effectively become a glorified housekeeper.

The issue here isn't your "job" as you like to call it, but your son and husband being lazy arses.

What do you DO all day when they're at work and presumably college/work? All the things you've listed are just stuff that I do around my actual job, and I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old.

Chunderella · 27/12/2014 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PowderMum · 27/12/2014 11:36

I'm sorry OP but I think you are wrong, you DH presumably works hard all week so that you can have a life of luxury at home. Plus a few extra tasks of running the house, which those of us that work full time can do at the same times as holding down a job and still get time to watch TV.
This year I worked up to 1 on Christmas Eve went to Christingle and cooked Christmas dinner for 12. My teens and DP chipped in to help but I am organised but not a martyr.

Fluffyears · 27/12/2014 11:55

I work full time and my house had to be mil standard spotless which it was and I managed to cook a proper Christmas dinner for all and sat down by 6pm Christmas Eve (finished work at 2pm) you have all day to sort out the house so how come you have no time to relax?

Pagwatch · 27/12/2014 11:57

Hahaha.

MrsLindor · 27/12/2014 11:58

My DD is 11, if I was a SAHM life would be a breeze, I certainly wouldn't need to do any housework at the weekends or over Christmas.

You should be totally on top of everything and very organised.

How you can suggest women with jobs have it easier is beyond me.

I'm having a few days down time and then next week I'll be catching up on jobs I don't get a chance to do during a normal working week. Jobs presumably you can fit into the 30 hours I'm at work and you're at home.

Pagwatch · 27/12/2014 12:00

People are so weird.

Dh does all the cooking at Christmas. We all went to the panto Christmas Eve. Ds1 made breakfast Christmas morning while I drank champagne.
I taught DD how to make snowballs in time for tea.
I am like not a proper woman or something.

Pagwatch · 27/12/2014 12:02

What is the frantic extra cleaning about?
Has anyone ever gone to someone's house on Christmas Day and been disappointed by the shocking state of the skirting boards?

DaisyFlowerChain · 27/12/2014 12:02

Aww my heart bleeds for you

How can you possibly moan about the fact that you are a lady of leisure bar a bit of housework each day. A 17 year old child living at home doesn't make you a SAHM.

If my DS was 17 and my DH didn't work I'd expect him to do everything in the house, it's the very least he could do.

Most people have a job and look after a house and children with still plenty of down time. Perhaps working would open your eyes to the real world.

idiuntno57 · 27/12/2014 12:04

This feels like it has turned into a SAHM bashing thread.

Everyone has it different - not easier - just different.

I think life is hard at Christmas. Even things that aren't stressful feel stressful because of the added pressure and if (for whatever reason) you are the one largely organising this it can get to you. I speak from experience. DH and I currently not talking because he is cross that I have been so stressed. I am more stressed because he is cross. And so it goes on...

Roll on January and lentil soup for all

MrsLindor · 27/12/2014 12:09

Not SAHM bashing idiuntno57 how can you be a SAHM to one 17 year old.

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