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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in thinking I did something good!

120 replies

MogOnTheRoof · 26/12/2014 12:53

And this person is a twat!

Wrnt to do my Xmas shop and was very sad for personal reasons. Got to till and was served by a very lovely, chatty lady who was very excited to finish work in 15 mins for xmas. Talked about her 2 young children and my children.

So after paying DH was waiting for the taxi and I nipped back into the supermarket and bought a card and put £20 in it. I wrote Merry Christmas inside.

I went and gave it to her and left before she opened it.

Now I didn't tell DH because he wouldn't understand and we barely had any money left ourselves over xmas (we are on benefits at the moment)

Yesterday I told someone what I did because we were talking about the reason I was sad that day (I did it to cheer myself up!)

And their response was ...

'OMG why would you do that? You probably embarressed her. Plus cashiers aren't allowed cash on the shop floor so you probably got her in deep trouble! You should have bought her a £1 box of chocolates"

I didn't k ow what to say, felt very stupid and regretted telling her.

But i stand by thinking it was nice and I hope the lady thought the same :(

OP posts:

Bettercallsaul1 · 26/12/2014 16:16

I certainly don't believe that good things that we have done come back to us in any "Karma" sense, or that they ease our way into Heaven - I am not religious in any way - but I do think that well-intentioned, disinterested actions do benefit the giver as well as the receiver in the sense that they increase our individual sense of wellbeing and happiness. Doing things for other people in the form of charity work is one of the standard suggestions for alleviating depression.

SnotandBothered · 26/12/2014 16:18

I am probably being a cow but the only reason I can think that the OP posted here was for praise at her spontaneous generosity.

Surely we all do things like this by various degrees? Acts of kindness. Isn't the point that you just quietly keep it to yourself rather than starting a thread about it?

(caveat I am possibly slightly hungover

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 26/12/2014 16:18

Not normal behaviour Haphazard ? Have you ever encountered Christmas spirit? I guess not. Many people do something random and spontaneous for someone at Christmas time,it just randomly takes you.It's nice.It's fun.It's part of what Christmas is about.

I suggest you find some!

NoImSpartacus · 26/12/2014 16:20

Gaia totally dif situation entirely. We can't be sure, but it's probably not v likely that the cashier was part of a six figure household like you so classily mentioned you are.

financialwizard · 26/12/2014 16:21

MogOnTheRoof I think it was a lovely thing to do, and the person that queried it needs a lobotomy.

Gaia81 · 26/12/2014 16:32

You might be surprised NoImSpartacus, I used to work nights in Tesco, plenty of people I worked with had decent household incomes.

And I refuse to buy into the idea that talking about income is crass/classless, it maintains the gender divide (but that's for another thread).

WeeFreeKings · 26/12/2014 16:40

Ignore the dissenters. Was a lovely gesture and probably made her Christmas. Merry Christmas to you.

NoImSpartacus · 26/12/2014 16:52

Gaia yep mentioning how you have 'plenty in the bank' and are part of a 'six figure household' to an OP who has explained that she has little cash and is on benefits isn't gauche at all, in fact it is the very epitome of class .

And what has gender got to do with boasting about how wealthy you are !

I really do doubt that there are a great number of shelf stackers at Tesco that are part of six figure households but thanks for giving me a good laugh

thecardinal · 26/12/2014 16:53

If there's a "cause" behind the gesture if there must be one then surely grief/shock is enough? The OP's situation is the sort of thing that throws all your reactions off (in a really lovely and well-intended direction, in this case). When I lost my gran, I remember a friend telling me not on any account to make any big decisions for a while, and he was completely right. You don't realise how grief affects you until you look back.

Giving 20 quid to someone who's been kind to you, at Christmas, is not exactly an extreme example. Sure, it would be a cause for MH concern if she kept doing it. But she didn't, and I read the OP as a sort of "oh gosh, I did this thing that felt right and now I'm doubting it" -- because other people's reactions can also make a bigger impact when you're already in difficulties.

Gaia81 · 26/12/2014 17:11

What would be crass would be accepting the generosity of strangers when I'm in no way deserving. That's why the salary was mentioned.

Gifting money to a stranger who is in employment, when you have no idea of their financial situation, and when you're on benefits yourself is an ill thought out gesture, even though good thought's were behind it. You might make someone's day, you might embarass them, you might make it awkward for their job if they're found with cash on the shop floor etc...

Fanfeckintastic · 26/12/2014 17:19

You deserve twenty quid in a card for that post Nolm, all very true.

wannabestressfree · 26/12/2014 17:23

It wasn't thought out though it was spontaneous and very nice.
I am glad you can rest though as you didn't need someone to buy you something Gaia as you are so loaded. Someone could buy you something anyway- it's not relative to your wads of cash. It's about being nice :/

wowfudge · 26/12/2014 17:44

You did a lovely thing OP. If that had been me and I would have been surprised, but delighted. I worked in retail for many years and have been given gifts and tips - in an industry where tipping is not the norm - by customers. We usually shared things around Christmas time as we worked hard as a small team. We weren't embarrassed. If the cashier was, she could have given the money to charity herself.

I think this thread demonstrates how people can be really weird about money.

BlandandInsipid · 26/12/2014 18:54

Everything NoImSpartacus said.

Mog you did a lovely kind thing and I agree the cashier would have been delighted.
I'm sorry so many bitter weirdos replied first.

I agree that it is poor taste to bring salary into it, but seeing as it is being discussed, I have been at both ends of the spectrum. And it doesn't matter whether it was the times I was searching for pennies on the ground to buy a sandwich or when I was flying through the Caribbean in a helicopter, I would always be grateful for kind gestures or generous gifts, whoever the gifter was.
Don't let this put you off being humane. This thread has highlighted the world needs people like you.

NoImSpartacus · 26/12/2014 19:33

Gaia this may come as a shock but this post isn't actually about you.

Therefore, whatever your salary is and whatever you have in the bank is immaterial to the discussion (quite how you deemed it relevant to slip in how wealthy you are at 'AIBU for giving a cashier twenty quid' I don't know).

It was rather inapposite wasnt it ! Could it be because you fancied a cheeky little Christmas boast

Why don't you go and count your money if you're bored

Mrsstarlord · 26/12/2014 20:17

FFS! Someone did a nice thing for someone else, why use that as an excuse to be miserable and twatish? The world would be a much better place if everyone was nicer to each other without motive or suspicion.

Drgonzosattorney · 26/12/2014 20:29

Feel better as I accidentally gave my postie, 20 pounds(don't usually tip but I did??.) meant to give 10 but after I i thought how much they toil and slog throughout the year. Good for you OP! It's nice to be nice at thus time of year x

MrsMcColl · 26/12/2014 20:47

Can't find it anywhere in my usually cynical heart to think any critical thoughts about OP. Sometimes you just feel a grateful connection with someone and feel like acting on a spontaneous impulse. This does not, in my world, make you mentally ill. It's things like this that make us all feel better about ourselves and the world.

OP, if you're still reading, please don't feel one bit bad. You did a good thing, and probably made someone's day, and felt a vital little bit of positive connection and energy yourself. Wishing you a happy and hopeful new year.

Idiotdh · 26/12/2014 20:57

Well it was well intentioned and nice, from the heart. Slightly odd but ok.

I was given 20 pounds by this man in Tesco cafe onece'for my lovely baby' I refused it of course but he left it on the table and ran off. I knew it was harmless although I was uncomfortable with it I knew he was just being an old man and culturally round here people do give money to babies.

The only thing is....you didn't need to give her any money...why money? Was she very poor or struggling to buy her children anything? That's the bit I don't understand..why the money.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2014 21:12

Well, OP, I think what you did was a very nice thought, if a little OTT. I expect that if your DH knew he might think so too, especially going off what your friend said and she presumably knows more of your financial circumstances than us. I'm sure the cashier might have felt a bit awkward especially as you'd been talking about Xmas and kids - she could well have thought she'd Given you the impression that she was finding it a financial struggle buying her kids presents when presumably it's actually the other way round!

A kind message of praise for her attitude to the manager, and maybe a Xmas card to her saying "thank you for the chat today - I was having a tough day and it really helped. Merry Xmas!" Would have been worth just as much to her as the 20 quid I imagine. There really is no need to give strangers money unless you have just won the lottery and want to share a little random happiness with it.

For those reasons I think it was all a little OTT. But having said that, it was done from the heart and at this time of the year, that really is all that matters.

Happy Xmas, OP! I think you're a very generous person and wish you all the best for 2015!

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