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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want DF to accept what DD calls him?

112 replies

BabCNesbittsSeasonalGreet · 25/12/2014 14:10

Two sets of GPs: Grandpa and Grandma (DH's parents), and Granny and Granda (my parents). We're spending Xmas at DB's and my parents are here.

My dad always signs cards to DD(3) as "Grandpa", and often refers to himself as that to her. I've explained a few times that that's what her grandfather in the US is called and we don't want her to be confused. But she's even corrected my dad when he's called himself Grandpa!

Today I've heard him catching himself as he said "Granda", then changed it to "Grandpa". So it doesn't just feel like a mistake, but a deliberate attempt to wind me up (which he has form for).

I know this is such a trivial thing, but it's really getting on my tits now. AIBU to expect him to respect the different names we have, or should I just ignore it and roll my eyes as usual ?

OP posts:

Pooka · 25/12/2014 14:41

I had granny x and granny y when I was growing up.

Both wanted to be called granny. No problem! Not confusing at all.

My mother'a father was granddad (she called him dad) and my father's father was called grandpa (my dad called him pa).

My kids have a grandpa (my dad) and a granddad (my fil) and a granny (my mum) and a nanny (my mil). My mil was adamant she didn't want to be granny because in her eyes they're old. fair enough. Even though I hate 'nanny'.

almapudden · 25/12/2014 14:42

I grew up with a Bath grandma and grandad and an Oldham grandma and grandad. No confusion!

Original poster

BabCNesbittsSeasonalGreet · 25/12/2014 14:43

Merry Christmas to you too! No, it's fine, it's a learning experience. It's just that there's a lot of hostility between my dad and me at the best of times and I feel slightly queasy at the idea of conceding any point to him. Even at Christmas!

OP posts:

islanderin · 25/12/2014 14:48

BabC you sound like a really nice person. it could be a beginning for a nice letter from DD selecting a few names and sending it to Granda asking which he'd prefer or for any suggestions. If you think she just wants to keep Grandpa for FIL

Maybe your Dad doesn't want to be like his Dad
Maybe he's jealous of other Grandpa
Maybe Granny doesn't like that either!

GL xo

FishWithABicycle · 25/12/2014 14:50

YABU - grandparents should choose what they are called. In our family both grandparents are grandma and grandpa - there's no confusion, the kids are perfectly capable of coping with the fact that there's 3 Ellas and 4 Jacks in their class at school, they can cope with there being two grandpas in their lives.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 25/12/2014 15:08

Bab just to reassure you - grandparents don't always choose - my sister had my parents' first grandchild, and she (my sister) chose. My mother wanted to be mamgue (not sure whether that's spelt correctly - Welsh) but my sister over ruled her on the basis that she's only very, very slightly Welsh (doesnt live there, doesnt have the accent, doesnt speak the language - her mother was Welsh though) and for various reasons she felt it was too confusing. When I had kids they used Grandma like my niece. My other sister had the 4 th grandchild, and when he started learning to talk one of his frequently babbled sound/ wwords was Geegee - it was just a noise he made but my mum proposed all grandchildren switch to call her Geegee so she could be his first word Strangely enough this also didn't happen so it's not always the way things are done.

Theboodythatrocked · 25/12/2014 15:10

Loving the honesty of the op.

She doesn't want to concede a point to her dad even at Christmas.

Op meet my dsis who is due in 10 mins as long as her broomstick isn't caught in a crosswind. Me and dh have already shared 2 bottles of prosecco!

About your dad leave it to your dd how to address him.

You might find her a chip off the old block and she pisses you both off!

fredfredgeorgejnr · 25/12/2014 15:17

I would agree that it's known because it's common courtesy that individuals get to choose what they're known as. Babies don't obviously as they're too young to even articulate the need, but everyone else in society gets to choose their own name, a name is part of the identity, and it's very much something you should own yourself, anything else is really quite bullying.

If you're DD can't cope with 2 grandpa's, how's she going to cope at school with 7 Olivia's?

TimeforNIN · 25/12/2014 15:19

I thought paternal grandparents were Grandma and Grandpa and maternal ones were Nanny and Grandad. That's all I've ever known.

drspouse · 25/12/2014 15:20

I agree with PPs that it is up to the individual to decide what they are called and by who. Just as I can ask a new employee to use my first name, or a friend to stick to my name not DH name (at least, I can try).
My DM chose to be Granny because she didn't like Grandma when the DNs were born. My DF wasn't bothered so they called him Grandpa like mine and DBs grandfathers who were Grandpa Spouse and Grandpa Mumsmaidenname.
My late MIL died when DS was preverbal but by default she then became Grandma and we refer to the birth GPs as "Your Grandma and Grandpa Birthname" (both DCs have met them but only DS will possibly remember them).
FIL died before either DC was born and we refer to him as "granddad" or "daddy's daddy" but had he been alive we would have asked him (and he was Welsh so may have chosen Taid)

livegoldrings · 25/12/2014 15:21

My mum wanted to be known as Nana and my dsis's kids all call her that, but my dd started calling her Nanny and we copied what dd said and started calling her it too. I dont think she minds though. I do think the GP should have some say in it, just as parents do though. My dd wanted to call me 'mother' once after reading it in a story, but I wouldn't let her I dont like it.

loiner45 · 25/12/2014 15:23

I had two grandma and grandads - both sets called that to their face and distinguished when talking about them by saying "grandma smith" or "grandma jones" my dcs had one set of those and a gran and grandpa on their fathers side. All titles chosen by the GPs not us sorry think you really do have to concede this one!

MrsDeVere · 25/12/2014 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Karoleann · 25/12/2014 15:27

I think you're in the wrong here. I asked both sets of parents what they wanted to be called and then stuck by it. We have Grandma Pxx and Grandma Mxxxxxx and they don't get confused.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 25/12/2014 15:27

Both sets of grandparents here chose. We have 2 grandads a nana and a grandma, one set are sadly no longer with us now though.

It would never have occurred to me to foist names upon them

Theboodythatrocked · 25/12/2014 15:30

Hell will freeze over before I am nanny to anyone. My lads or my girls brats.

I have grand cats at the moment.

That is all.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 25/12/2014 15:32

Names are very personal things. I'm a grandmother. I decided what I wanted to be called. I would really resist someone else telling me what I was going to be called.

OP, since you and your dad have a bit of a difficult relationship, could it just be that he does not like you telling him what he is to be called. I get along fairly well with my children, but I would not like either one of them deciding for me what I am to be called by anyone.

HoHoHappyHolidays · 25/12/2014 15:34

YABU! His name, his choice!

Lweji · 25/12/2014 15:35

I'll certainly insist that people call me by the name I find most appropriate rather than whatever they fancy. So, YABU.

It shouldn't matter if it's grandpa or granddad, just add their names, which is what we all do anyway, and as it is with uncles and aunts.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 25/12/2014 15:37

Hell will freeze over before I am nanny to anyone.

Ha! I live in the Southern US, where Big Mama is a often what grandmothers are called. But not me.

SleeptightDaisy · 25/12/2014 15:43

We left it up to grandparents to choose but then dh mum decided she wanted mama, which too me was not acceptable as this is what ds would be most likely to call me initially before he could say mummy. He knows her as grandma and calls her this but she insists on writing mama in cards etc. Its been very tempting to say I'm his mum you are his grandparent but I've kept quiet.

HamPortCourt · 25/12/2014 15:44

Just to chip in I have a friend who was most annoyed when her MIL insisted on being Nanny when that was what her own DM was already called by the other GC in the family. Now her DC are teenagers the ladies in question are referred to by the DC as "Nanny Psycho" and "Nanny Bitch"

Nothing my friend can do about it!

GatoradeMeBitch · 25/12/2014 15:56

Surely you wouldn't be conceding, you'd be beating him at his own game! If he think it winds you up to hear him refer to himself as 'Grandpa', then 'Grandpa' the fuck out of him! Aim for at least two Grandpa's per sentence.

She'll come to know them as British Grandpa and American Grandpa, it really doesn't matter!

Branleuse · 25/12/2014 16:15

i had two Nanas. It wasnt confusing

Mehitabel6 · 25/12/2014 16:20

I can't see why it is in the least confusing. If I get to be a grandparent I shall chose my own name.

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