To think people are respected more if they are rich?

[TheFaultInOurStars]

Ive been in email correspondence with someone over a formal matter. I haven't met the person in RL. She gave me her address for posting something and I googled it to see where she lived. (Yes, I am nosy!)
It happened to be in a mahoosive house with a stunning garden in an affluent area which she paid three quarters of a million pounds for. She's also married to a doctor.

But now my perception of her has changed. In an instant. I suddenly thought shes more educated than me, she's more clever than me, shes better than me. I feel beneath her whereas before I didn't think anything of her really.

Am I right in thinking that people give you just that little bit more respect if you're rich, you're just that little bit more important?

There are really quite a lot of families living in the UK (London plus country home) whose breadwinner (for want of a better word) is not technically resident and doesn't show up in statistics. Families so rich that they have 10+ homes, private planes (not little jets - planes with bedrooms/bathrooms/kitchens), yachts, racehorses etc etc. People who would make the Beckhams look like the poor relations - but for the fact that they are extremely discreet as they go about their daily lives.

OP - No, I think that is your perception. You share it with a lot of people as you have been trained to think that way in school, and the media. But you do get to choose how you react to others, and how you judge them in relation to your own achievements.

Hello Word, I think I am with your dh. Not sure why but using the word rich as a descriptor sort of gives me the heebie jeebies!

Bonsoir, I agree with you. I did wonder whether to use the Beckhams my example of the super rich but then decided that the people I know in that super super rich category aren't famous (and deliberately so!). Guess I could have used Gates, Branson or Buffett though!

I also think if you have come from a humble background and want to keep your friends it's important to remain discrete. Its not that hard to do.

novice yes that's it.

DH feels it would be somehow wrong to describe himself as rich because there are people who are richer.

But that seems odd to me; by that definition only one person can be rich or successful or whatever.

I also think he balks at the term because he feels like it's showing off, whereas to me it's simply a statement of fact.

Indeed - being very rich does not need to be synonymous with celebrity, on the contrary. I think that "celebrity lifestyles" with all their emphasis on constant showing off in the media give a pretty distorted picture of what rich is.

I agree with novice's figures.

£150k - £500k probably not worrying about finding the school fees and you'd be deluded if you thought you were badly off in that bracket (surrounding yourself with people who earn less by the way sadly given how awful human nature is apparently makes people feel happier so if you feel fed up you don't earn much just hang out with people who earn even less and the route to happiness may be yours).

£2m+ (which is the upper end of what the few successful London law firm partners and commercial barristers earn and equity partners in accountants like Ernst & Young and the other big firms and no doubt today even a good few bankers and the like, never mind all the better off clients who build businesses own along with a few footballers and JK Rowlings and entertainers).

When I mentioned people who have worked hard, made good, changed class or think they have and flash their cash I was not suggesting they were wrong to do that - just that any friend who feels they need to show off cash and in the process makes others around them feel uncomfortable is not being very polite or kind and should consider the impact of that on others, that's all. There is no required to comply with any kind of upper middle class norm of deliberately having the clothes with holes in and the old cars.

As for children someone asked how do friends cope when one has more than others. First of all I don't think most children think about those things much. Those that do and to whom it matters may not be the best ones to have as your friends. Our house is fairly large by London standards anyway and I don't think it's ever been an issue. Given where we live it is more a question of background and religion that might influence whether the occasional parent wants children to mix. I know one of my sons can only visit his friend when the friend's parents are out and he had to take with him and put in a street bin away from the house any food rubbish of his so the parents could not see which is amazing - there can be few more harmless boys than my son who doesn't even drink and works hard at school although he is a feminist so that may not go down well in that Muslim household I suppose. Two of my friends have taken different Muslim school friends in the last 2 weeks to the Turing film so I suppose that might be regarded as objectionable - suggesting homosexuality is okay I suppose. The money issue never seems to come up. Perhaps children are more spiritual than we think and teenagers are actually more interested in that side of things and politics than money. That would not be surprising. As I always say to the children I learn a lot more from them than vice versa. Perhaps it's the parents who should think about money less.

Why do you assume she is rich? She may have massive debts, rent the house, her dh may be a doctor of English!

If you feel rich, TheWordFactory, then that is lovely and you should definitely enjoy the feeling

I certainly do enjoy it! It would be rude not to .

I do sometimes wonder how much DH wants though! When will he be sated?

Again I feel like MrWord about doing anything "showy" or "poncey". My dh has a significant birthday in a couple of years time. There is a present i would love to give to him. He will never buy it for himself. I am having angst over it simply because I am worried about what people would think as it would be very visible.

On the "how much is enough", I would say once you have enough to fund a nice lifestyle, money stops being the driver (if it ever was) and other things (eg world domination ) become the chief drivers.

FlowerFairy, I think sometimes people are deluded because they make choices that are not available to the other 90% of the population then try and say that their net positions are the same so they are in comparable positions.

People get sated when their money limits their lifestyle ambitions rather than furthering them.

Memorably, my former employer had to purchase two large properties in central Oxford, have them bomb and terrorist proofed and refurbished to house his son and six bodyguards when said son went to university and needed safe-guarding. At DD's school there are DC with bodyguards/armed chauffeurs. Personally, that sort of lifestyle is not one I would be able to enjoy!

Hi. I have just started a blog with a similar thread to it. I have lived in both camps and have seen such a massive difference in the way people react or deal with you. I only started my Blog this week (and am a total beginner at it, which I'm sure you will notice), but please have a look and feel free to comment or put your own experiences on there - or even tell me what other things you might be interested in seeing on there. I am about to put an additional page regarding paid work that people can get as well. www.velcroliving.com

Novice, I would say go for it. People will think what they want to think, and life is short. I've bought things for DH that he wouldn't spend money on because he is the frugal one in the couple, and he's loved them so much.

My job has recently brought me into contact with some very wealthy people and has been an eye opener into their lifestyles and what seems perfectly "normal" to them.
However, one thing they seem to share is exquisite manners I have to say. I'm a sucker for a well mannered chap!

dementedma for me, because I grew up with so little, I still view our life as abnormal. Lovely, but not normal.

I feel blessed and joyous and often ...

But I do wonder about DC. This is all they know. And whilst one tries to ensure they understand the uncommon nature of their upbringing, can they ever really? This is their normal.

"Rich" is the well travelled twelve year old on my DSs school trip who on boarding a plane, confessed that he'd "never flown commercial"

interesting thread

I live in a small terraced house in an area that has £2 million houses nearby

most of the mums I know dont have to work as their husbands earn a lot

I work in a min wage job as it fits round the kids school days...and I hate it

I'm jealous they have the choice

I don't think DH would ever feel rich, not even if I increased our assets tenfold. I think he worries that it could all go poof just as quickly as it arrived.

Word I vaguely worry about DC but not too much. I was brought up realising how extraordinarily lucky our family was but the message was always that I was expected to stand on my own two feet the minute I received my degree. My family trust was set up so that I wouldn't be able to touch a penny until I turned 36 (what an odd age!) if my parents died early. It was also made clear to me that we are caretakers of the money and it's not to be blown so I feel a strong moral obligation to pass this on to my DC as well.

Oh course there are many ways of doing it and you may well be aiming to spend it all yourself!

(novice, I agree that someone on £100k net who spends £40k on school fees and says they should be compared with someone on £60k net is wrong.

However someone working full time who spends £30k on childcare a year in terms of their net income after tax and childcare ought fairly to be compared with someone who doesn't work and does not have that £30k essential cost).

Never been jealous of a non working woman in my life by the way. They have nothing and working women have it all, one could argue.

Friendships are only crushed by a disparity in income if that is the only thing that matters to either party.

It isnt comparable though flower. What about those women who would love to work but can't afford it precisely because of the 30k cost? Money gives you choices.

at a non working woman having 'nothing'. That does sound very much like something Xenia's long lost sister would say.

I do think that rich is a relative term so your perception of your own "richness" depends on where you live in the UK.

We have a 6 figure income so by any standard we are comfortable. If we lived in the same area as my family with this income and property of this value we would be one of the local rich families. Where we live in London and at my DC's private school we are distinctly average. So on a day to day basis I don't feel particularly rich but outside of the London bubble we are in a much better financial position than most people.
I'd struggle to respect someone who respected me for my bank balance.

taz can I ask you if you knew about the trust fund?

And if so, did you know how much? And did it impact on any decisions you made ?

DH and I constantly change our minds about it all. It seems daft that they should have to wait for us to die to get anything, but on the other hand, one doesn't want them to become lazy/entitled and one certainly doesn't want to attract partners who sniff an easy ride!

This thread is fascinating.
We've recently moved house locally and people's perceptions of us have definitely changed. We've had all sorts of invitations from people that would barely speak to us when we lived in a small cottage.
Actually I don't like it.

Children? Well as mine know as I was 22 when the first came she will be well into her 60s before I die so best to assume no inheritance.

Even if your parents just have a house that cushions children. One of mine moved back home they year for a year. if I lived in a 1 bed flat that would not so easily have been an option. I think parents' view was the best - pay for your education as that cannot be taken from you but after that it's up to you. A bit of minor help on property purchase deposits or stamp duty probably does not corrupt a child but I would not give money to adult children for any other purpose. Not that I've got loads of spare cash. Wise to make property contributions loans too in case of subsequent divorce of child.

(I would not class a woman who spends £30k on child care and has £10k over compared with a woman who is on state benefits with £10k to live on as one rich the other not. I would say they have the same except the latter who indeed might well prefer to work, doesn't work. Longer term the one who works will probably be better off. You do get non working mumsnet posters suggesting families on £40k a year in London much be really rich because their household income is only £20k but then you learn they get tax credits, child benefit, housing benefits and in fact the net cash is the same. Or the less well off assume those better off keep 100% of their income rather than giving the state about half of it.)